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Original poster

How do you "manage" food and teen/adult children's uncertain plans

53 replies

LegendaryReady · 09/09/2021 15:25

Ds1 has a girlfriend and spends a lot of time out of the house. This is good, I like to see him happy and enjoying life after the time they've all had.

I also do a family dinner most nights and I never know who I'm catering for. He was going to be home tonight so I've got the meat out of the freezer, but his plans have changed and I now know he won't be here.

He's let me know in good time, but I've still got a chicken breast I don't need out Grin

Part of me is inclined not to cook for him at all but then he'd live off toast and cereal. He can cook but he wouldn't. He's an adult, perhaps I should leave it at that, but I'm still his mum who cares about his health.

He wouldn't be put out at all if I stopped cooking for him. He'd probably prefer not having to think about being home for dinner. It's not about him being unreasonable, hes not. When he is here he contributes his share to housework and DIY it's just that currently he's spending a lot of time with GF

It's also not about one chicken breast, it's about one xyz on a fairly regular basis.

I just wondered how others manage this?

OP posts:
Plump82 · 09/09/2021 15:28

I'm assuming he's older than 18? Is so, leave him to it. You've said yourself he wouldn't mind. Would he consider even agreeing to one night a week where he'll definitely be in and you can cook a family meal? Although tbh thinking about when i was 18, that could start to get annoying and i was actually living on my own by this point.

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 09/09/2021 15:31

I sometimes just cook for him, if he does not come I have it for lunch the next day Grin

Chicken breast is so versatile, could even go in a sandwich the next day

ElasticFirecracker · 09/09/2021 15:35

This is a problem for me, so watching with interest for ideas.

I've tried getting him to book meals ahead when he wants them. But I really need to know further in advance like when I'm doing the shopping. It's really annoying me at the moment.

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Original poster
LegendaryReady · 09/09/2021 15:41

Yes, the shopping!

OP posts:
InnPain · 09/09/2021 15:41

My kids are young but if they were older and I wasn’t sure if they were coming home for dinner I’d drop them a wee text ahead of time and plan accordingly. I know sometimes plans change but there should be a rough idea of when they’re expected back.

Or I’d make something and if it wasn’t eaten that day it can always go in the fridge and at least you’ve got a meal ready for when you/him next eat.

You’d need to have some sort of communication otherwise you really can’t plan can you.

barskits · 09/09/2021 15:42

This happens in our house all the time - 22 and 24 year-olds. Conversation at around 4pm goes like this:

Me - "Are you two home for dinner this evening?"
DC - "Oh, yes I think so. What time's dinner, we're going out for a bit."
Me - "Around 7-ish".
DC - "Okay, we'll be back later then".

Two hours later, I'll get a text advising me that they're in Wetherspoons with some friends and are eating there instead.

This, or telling me they won't be home for dinner and then turning up after all, happens at least twice a week at present.

Alwayscheerful · 09/09/2021 15:43

Make Big pots of chilli or pasta and have leftovers for lunch the following day or freeze spare portions
I would slice a spare chicken breast and make Caesar wraps.
I often grill bacon or chicken for lunches the following day.

Mintjulia · 09/09/2021 15:44

I keep some stuff to cook from frozen. Bacon &veg soup, microwaved and served with chunky bread, pasta sauces, breaded haddock & oven chips (25 mins), There's always bread, cheese, pickles and salad. Ds won't starve Smile

Joystir59 · 09/09/2021 15:44

Your role is changing OP. You don't have to keep on mothering him. You get to start thinking about what you wish eat, and when. Let him go.

Joystir59 · 09/09/2021 15:45

At 22 I'd been away from home for 4 years.

Joystir59 · 09/09/2021 15:46

I think reading alot of threads on MN alot of mums just don't want to accept that children are grown up and moving on.

EllieSattler · 09/09/2021 15:46

Stop cooking for him. Seriously. BIL moved back in with MIL and he's almost 50 and she's 74 and still pandering to this nonsense.

FusionChefGeoff · 09/09/2021 15:47

Cook whatever you are going to cook. Put the extra portion in the freezer. Then when you have a stash, just stop cooking for him and he can have the freezer meals IF he deigns to come home Grin

Original poster
LegendaryReady · 09/09/2021 15:47

@InnPain

My kids are young but if they were older and I wasn’t sure if they were coming home for dinner I’d drop them a wee text ahead of time and plan accordingly. I know sometimes plans change but there should be a rough idea of when they’re expected back.

Or I’d make something and if it wasn’t eaten that day it can always go in the fridge and at least you’ve got a meal ready for when you/him next eat.

You’d need to have some sort of communication otherwise you really can’t plan can you.

Oh bless. I'd imagined that's how it would be too. Like today, last night he was going to be home tonight but now his plans have changed.

I could leave it for tomorrow but there's every possibility he won't be here then either. I could have it for my lunch tomorrow, but if I'd planned things that way I wouldn't have any lunch if he did turn up!

It's not lack of communication, he's very good about letting me know. It's that his plans change.

OP posts:
dodobookends · 09/09/2021 15:47

@InnPain

My kids are young but if they were older and I wasn’t sure if they were coming home for dinner I’d drop them a wee text ahead of time and plan accordingly. I know sometimes plans change but there should be a rough idea of when they’re expected back.

Or I’d make something and if it wasn’t eaten that day it can always go in the fridge and at least you’ve got a meal ready for when you/him next eat.

You’d need to have some sort of communication otherwise you really can’t plan can you.

Erm... there will be communication. Except that they'll tell you one thing, and then change their arrangements when it's already too late for you to amend your dinner plans.
kerkyra · 09/09/2021 15:47

I have this too. It's easy if I'm doing a large lasagne or shepards pie that can just be warmed up but sometimes I cook and son decides to go to the gym or out and his meal is in the warm store sometimes for hours,getting dry and shrivelled.
I've now said I'm not cooking on a Friday and Saturday and they can sort their own.
If I didn't cook I don't think he would eat many vegetables so until he moves out I suppose I will just keep cooking.

Joystir59 · 09/09/2021 15:48

From 18 onwards my parents got a weekly phone call in which I pretty much told them what they wanted to hear.

roses2 · 09/09/2021 15:48

I would cook the food as normal and save the portion as a leftover. Then one day a week our dinner consists of leftovers rather than me sitting down to cook a fresh meal every day.

Some people are weird about eating leftovers so this won't work for everyone.

Joystir59 · 09/09/2021 15:49

I would absolutely NOT be some sort of catering slave to an interested teenager/adult. What's with all this planning around the possibility that they might sometime when want to eat something ffs!

Joystir59 · 09/09/2021 15:49

Uninterested not interested sorry

Geamhradh · 09/09/2021 15:50

You need to swap it round.
Instead of presuming he will be there unless he's not, you need to presume he won't be there unless he is. And if he's going to be there and want food, you need to know early in the day, or when he arrives, he gets himself something.

Joystir59 · 09/09/2021 15:50

And fuck trying to make sure an 18 year old gets his five a day!

Original poster
LegendaryReady · 09/09/2021 15:50

There are plenty of left overs in the freezer (for this reason) but he'll do himself toast rather than defrost them.

I tried to head off the "pandering" comments by explaining that I know I don't need to do it, I'm just wondering if others have found a solution.

Tonight's proposed dinner won't freeze well which is why I'm thinking about this now.

OP posts:
alloutofcareunits · 09/09/2021 15:53

I can't remember the last time I cooked for our adult daughter, she doesn't usually want whatever we're having and is perfectly capable at 23 of shopping and cooking for herself. She often doesn't cook until late evening, and sometimes just has cereal or nothing if she's had a cooked meal for lunch. You're making life harder than it needs to be, I think I stopped fussing on with cooking her tea when she was about 15 as she either wanted to eat as soon as she got in from school so she could go out, or ate later on

PaulGallico · 09/09/2021 15:59

I have a similar problem but generally things work out as spare food can be in the fridge/frozen and eaten later. My Mum always pushed me to be home for dinner until I went away to uni/moved out and I never wanted to be like that as I hated it. However I also know of Mums who refuse to cook for their kids once they get to 16/17 and I don't intend to be like that either. My son is going to uni next week so after a couple of years of 'will you be eating with us tonight' problem solved for now.