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Original poster

Try to help me find my empathy with DH

51 replies

Thidwick · 08/09/2021 14:52

DH has been building us a house for the past year and a half. He’s been promising me for the last 6-months that it’ll be ‘done in a week or two.’

I’ve packed and unpacked boxes more times than I can count. He promised me it would be done before the summer holidays so he could spend some time with the kids (aged 5 &6, youngest is autistic). Summer hols are hard work and I struggle to keep both kids happy on my own.

Last time he told me the deadline had moved I properly lost my shit (only the second time I’ve done that this whole process). Booked a van to move and handed in notice with the landlord. Furious with him that we didn’t move before the summer hols, when I could have had time to pack and DC had time to get used to the new house (DC2 especially). DC2 is starting by a new school and doesn’t handle change well - I didn’t want to throw a new house into the mix too but I’ve had to.

He’s phoned me today to tell me he’s wired up the poo tank wrongly (he used to be an electrician) and is going to have to dig up the back garden to redo it.

I think he wanted me to be sympathetic but I didn’t even have the energy to be angry. I just mentally shrugged and thought, ‘fucks sake he’s done it again’.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 08/09/2021 16:04

Is he still your husband? He seems totally useless

Reduceddutiesboredom · 08/09/2021 17:04

I get being annoyed at messing work up…but a year and a half isn’t long when you consider covid, brexit and the Suez Canal drama all causes massive delays in materials, huge increase in prices, and people not actually being able to go to work.

I’m in a similar situation, renovating a house “‘Move in at least 8 weeks before baby due”, due in 10 weeks and nowhere near ready - windows took 3x as long to be delivered, physically could not get timber anywhere for what seemed like years.

It’s hard, but it’ll be worth it in the end OP Smile

Original poster
Thidwick · 08/09/2021 21:07

Ah thank you @Reduceddutiesboredom - this is the kind of talking to I need. He has been making little mistakes because he’s so stressed and there have been hold ups with materials. Good luck with your house Smile

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Original poster
Thidwick · 08/09/2021 21:10

@Shoxfordian I can understand why you would think that based on my post - I am just forgetting that he’s really generally a lovely human being who does his equal share with the kids and housework. But the stress of the house seems to have made him absolutely infuriating!!!

OP posts:
TheCanyon · 08/09/2021 21:13

Presumably he's also working alongside the house? It's shit, it really is, but it was never going to be quick. I hope it's soon for you

IM0GEN · 08/09/2021 21:16

My only advice is to assume every deadline that he gives you is utter nonsense. Only hand in your notice to the landlord when YOU have checked that the house is habitable to your standards.

In the meantime have a 🍷

thistimelastweek · 08/09/2021 21:22

He's building a whole house?

Respect!

I get its hard on you OP. I see that.

But I've waited longer for a drippy tap.

forgottonworkloaddays · 08/09/2021 21:32

Bless him!

He is building you and your children a house !

What a great guy

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 08/09/2021 21:45

Have you never seen Grand Designs?! Wink There’s been 210 episodes - that’s 210 couples who’ve been in exactly the same boat as you. That might help to give you some empathy.

Have you also considered that maybe you are putting him under so much pressure that he is essentially having to lie to you rather than deal with the stress? It’s easier to let you give notice to landlord and physically pack-up than to be honest with you about situation. Maybe try to have a conversation where he can give you realistic expectations.

Original poster
Thidwick · 08/09/2021 22:04

I can’t watch grand designs - it stresses me out too much when they disregard their architect/structural engineer, start buggering around with the plans and the roof falls in Confused

@SweetBabyCheeses99 yes it probably is me putting him under pressure that’s stressing him out - but I’ve only cracked at him since the summer hols - there were 4 months of changing deadlines before that! I can’t seem to help myself - but I need to because I’m making it worse

OP posts:
Original poster
Thidwick · 08/09/2021 22:06

@TheCanyon nope - it’s his trade so he’s stopped other jobs for now to concentrate on the house (and maybe finish it one day Grin)

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 08/09/2021 22:10

@Shoxfordian

Is he still your husband? He seems totally useless
Really? I think building a house is pretty useful myself.
Shoxfordian · 08/09/2021 23:12

@CloseYourEyesAndSee
Yeah if the house was built and the poo tank was in the right place then he might be useful. As it stands, not so much Hmm

Gingerkittykat · 08/09/2021 23:29

He is building a house and you are moaning about it.

Give him some respect. Don't you think he is getting frustrated with the hold ups too? The last thing he needs is someone nagging at him. Don't you think the effort or digging up the garden to fix the tank is a bit harder than doing some packing?

Doveyouknow · 08/09/2021 23:39

I mean building a house is impressive but letting you get to the point where you have packed and handed in your notice on a property before mentioning it's not ready is pretty terrible. He must've realised you wouldn't be able to move...

Ionlydomassiveones · 08/09/2021 23:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

PennyWus · 09/09/2021 04:39

Imagine he worked SO hard he fell asleep driving home, crashed into a tree and died. Imagine he leaves the house appearing unaffected by your harsh words, but then sits and feels like absolute shit in his truck for a few minutes when he leaves the house, because he feels so unsupported and unloved and unappreciated.

Imagine he is motivated more by you encouraging him than ripping him to pieces.

Imagine you were a bit nicer to him and this was a happy, exciting for your family.

Clymene · 09/09/2021 04:49

@PennyWus

Imagine he worked SO hard he fell asleep driving home, crashed into a tree and died. Imagine he leaves the house appearing unaffected by your harsh words, but then sits and feels like absolute shit in his truck for a few minutes when he leaves the house, because he feels so unsupported and unloved and unappreciated.

Imagine he is motivated more by you encouraging him than ripping him to pieces.

Imagine you were a bit nicer to him and this was a happy, exciting for your family.

Have you thought of a career in fiction?
someonesomewhere7 · 09/09/2021 04:49

@Gingerkittykat

He is building a house and you are moaning about it.

Give him some respect. Don't you think he is getting frustrated with the hold ups too? The last thing he needs is someone nagging at him. Don't you think the effort or digging up the garden to fix the tank is a bit harder than doing some packing?

Careful, your mysoginy is leaking...
someonesomewhere7 · 09/09/2021 04:51

@Doveyouknow

I mean building a house is impressive but letting you get to the point where you have packed and handed in your notice on a property before mentioning it's not ready is pretty terrible. He must've realised you wouldn't be able to move...
That is totally unacceptable on his part. But when he did it a second time I definitely would have wanted to see it with my own eyes before I started packing and before i gave notice to my landlord.
someonesomewhere7 · 09/09/2021 04:54

@PennyWus

Imagine he worked SO hard he fell asleep driving home, crashed into a tree and died. Imagine he leaves the house appearing unaffected by your harsh words, but then sits and feels like absolute shit in his truck for a few minutes when he leaves the house, because he feels so unsupported and unloved and unappreciated.

Imagine he is motivated more by you encouraging him than ripping him to pieces.

Imagine you were a bit nicer to him and this was a happy, exciting for your family.

Awww creative writing, lemme join in:

Imagine he uses the excuse of working on the house to carve time to himself away from home and the responsibilities of parenting. Maybe he's intentionally dragging it out to keep enjoying his afternoon beers or whatever else he chooses to entertain himself with when he's supposed to be hard at work.

Matilda82 · 09/09/2021 05:00

Why are you so passive in the building of the house? Surely it's your house as well? I don't quite understand how you would have so little to do it with it that you wouldn't even know it's not ready to move into. Maybe go to the house and get involved? Help in some way perhaps. Hmm

Pikamoo · 09/09/2021 05:06

I think you need to communicate better. Try and keep in mind that he's your husband, not just a random builder. If a builder had kept changing the deadlines like this and not keeping you informed then that would be unacceptable but he's you're husband, can't you talk to him about what's happening, the stage you're at etc? Is he perhaps afraid to talk to you about it because of previous reactions you've had? Have you been to see the house regularly?

JMAngel1 · 09/09/2021 05:36

@Matilda82
This 100%
He sounds like a hero - he is building you a house and you are complaining about it? I think you need to give your head a wobble.
Please let the first thing you say when you next see him be "I'm sorry" and "Thank you".

Stircraazy · 09/09/2021 05:37

Well if it will be 'ready in a week or two' why not move in and help out with the last bits.
Why is the poo tank wired?

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