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Original poster

Try to help me find my empathy with DH

51 replies

Thidwick · 08/09/2021 14:52

DH has been building us a house for the past year and a half. He’s been promising me for the last 6-months that it’ll be ‘done in a week or two.’

I’ve packed and unpacked boxes more times than I can count. He promised me it would be done before the summer holidays so he could spend some time with the kids (aged 5 &6, youngest is autistic). Summer hols are hard work and I struggle to keep both kids happy on my own.

Last time he told me the deadline had moved I properly lost my shit (only the second time I’ve done that this whole process). Booked a van to move and handed in notice with the landlord. Furious with him that we didn’t move before the summer hols, when I could have had time to pack and DC had time to get used to the new house (DC2 especially). DC2 is starting by a new school and doesn’t handle change well - I didn’t want to throw a new house into the mix too but I’ve had to.

He’s phoned me today to tell me he’s wired up the poo tank wrongly (he used to be an electrician) and is going to have to dig up the back garden to redo it.

I think he wanted me to be sympathetic but I didn’t even have the energy to be angry. I just mentally shrugged and thought, ‘fucks sake he’s done it again’.

OP posts:
Anycrispsleft · 09/09/2021 05:47

Go round with him and get him to give you a list of jobs that still need doing. Then go through that and figure out which ones need done before you can move in, and how long they have taken him in the past when he has done similar work. Then add on a couple of weeks. And plan for that, no earlier than that. It sounds as if he's telling you what he thinks you want to hear, which is that it will be ready soon. That would be fine if it were actually true!

BarbaraofSeville · 09/09/2021 06:18

@Gingerkittykat

He is building a house and you are moaning about it.

Give him some respect. Don't you think he is getting frustrated with the hold ups too? The last thing he needs is someone nagging at him. Don't you think the effort or digging up the garden to fix the tank is a bit harder than doing some packing?

He's building them a house at a leisurely pace and presumably not earning money by building houses for other people at a time when builders are in very high demand, while they're paying rent, waiting for him to finish building the house.

The OP is right to be annoyed and frustrated by 'it'll be ready in a week or two' seeming to mean nothing of the sort.

SpacemanDad · 09/09/2021 07:12

@Shoxfordian

Is he still your husband? He seems totally useless
Useless? And the last house you built took you how long? The build went without a hitch did it?

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Families
Shoxfordian · 09/09/2021 07:22

@SpacemanDad

Building isn’t my job but in my job I meet deadlines, which the op’s husband seems unable to do. Maybe he’s not totally useless; but is he like this when it’s for a paying client, digging things into the wrong place? Doesn’t seem that competent to me

Sparklfairy · 09/09/2021 07:26

I have never built a house but my mums boss is a builder, and they are SO stressed getting materials right now. 3 week lead times have become 12 weeks etc. Its mad.

If he's actually "working" and making mistakes, cut him some slack. There was a thread a few months ago where the DP was renovating and really just faffing, which isn't on. It sounds like yours is trying, but covid has genuinely made things tough right now and tbh your pressure and possible stropping Grin probably isn't helping!

Etymology23 · 09/09/2021 07:30

Would the best thing here to agree a longer time frame that is definitely feasible, and then over deliver on it? Under promise, over deliver is one of my preferred mantras and it does usually help avoid disappointment for everyone.

BarbaraofSeville · 09/09/2021 07:32

But surely it shouldn't take 18 months for a professional builder to build a house?

If it has, I hope it's a pretty spectacular one, because it's probably cost them £50k+ in lost earnings and rent while he does it, before they even start with the land and materials cost.

spotcheck · 09/09/2021 07:33

I'm speechless at some of the negative comments, and at the OP too really

OP
Are you not helping? Have you not been to the house?
I find it shocking ( and quite mean) that you are criticising him while being completely hands-off.

And to the pp who said that the OP's husband is building a house so he can have time away from parenting ..??? What the actual....?
The very very first job of a parent is to put a roof over your children's head, and food on the table.
That appears to be what the OP's husband is doing.

OP
Maybe go give your husband a hand, gain some insight and some empathy along the way.

Speechless

Palavah · 09/09/2021 07:34

Have you seen the house?

SoundBar · 09/09/2021 07:36

@spotcheck did you miss the part of the OP where they have a roof over their heads?!

I don't understand what money DH is bringing in if he's stopped work in order to build for himself for 18m. This means either savings are being used or OP is now sole earner. Either way, the situation sounds financially unsustainable

badpuma · 09/09/2021 07:37

Does 'helping' only count of it is doing unqualified building labouring and not looking after their two children (one with autism), keeping everything going at home and (although the op doesn't say) quite possibly earning all the money to pay the rent given that her H has given up work to faff around on a building site.

DH and I have restored a number of houses together (substantial structural renovations) and I don't think either of us would accept the op's husband's behaviour.

AttaGirrrrl · 09/09/2021 07:45

The tone here seems to be “he’s a hero. He’s building you a house”. But what else has happened over the last 18 months? Who has been earning an income while he’s building the house? Who home schooled the dc during lockdowns? Who picks the dc up from school, sorts out holiday childcare, does all the life admin, etc? If DH is building a house in discussion with OP and still pulling his weight in everything else, great, but the fact that she’s here suggests that might not be what’s happening.

I like the suggestion of a PP of getting more involved in the house yourself. Go over, walk room to room, what needs doing, what does he need to do, what could you do, what do you need to call in other people for? Big spreadsheet, dated deadlines. Every Sunday night you then open a bottle of wine and talk through the list together. What progress has been made, what has slipped, what can you move, etc. This way, you’ll either develop the empathy, or feel justified in your resentment!

SoupDragon · 09/09/2021 07:45

I can understand your frustration but, having watched the episodes of Grand Designs and George Clarke that spanned Covid, delays are inevitable - it's been a complete nightmare for everyone! That's even without adding in the delays and mistakes that happen on a build anyway.

SoupDragon · 09/09/2021 07:48

But surely it shouldn't take 18 months for a professional builder to build a house?

Under normal circumstances, probably not. The OP's DH started right at the beginning of the pandemic though.

spotcheck · 09/09/2021 07:54

@SoundBar
The OP refers to a landlord? Presumably they are building a house of their own....? Which I assume will benefit them?
Also, if he is building it himself, I'm assuming that will save loads of money. Again, for the family's benefit.
The guy is building an actual house, and OP has no idea how close it is to being able to live in it.

namechange7865 · 09/09/2021 08:00

It sounds like communication could be better. It's utterly bizarre to get to the stage of packing and hiring vans for it then to fall through, surely he knows enough about what's happening to manage your expectations better to know when it would be an appropriate time to advance to that stage without disappointing you.

That said you both have my respect, he's clearly not useless and it's bound to be a stressful time (buying and selling was stressful enough!) I hope it's over soon for you both.

bigbaggyeyes · 09/09/2021 08:00

You have my sympathy op, I've seen my friend live through this and it can be hell.

My suggestion would be not to book any removals or hand notices in until you have seen with your own eyes it's ready. Don't get excited about moving until it's absolutely ready.

My friends husband also gave up work to do it, they justified it by saying the money they make in the house will more than cover the X number of years he loses in wages (he runs his own business). So actually I have fully sympathy with you getting annoyed, as this is his 'job', he's not fitting it in and around his current job, and the issue is you get lumbered with all the life admin, kids etc whilst he does his 'job'. It's exhausting for you both, not helped that he gets your hopes up and then can't deliver.

junebirthdaygirl · 09/09/2021 08:09

I , too , am interested to know if you have actually been to the house. You need to see what it looks like, how it's coming on, what needs to be bought, is everything done properly etc. Surely you wouldn't pack until everything looks finished to you and is all set up for your children. We have built houses a few times..well paid a builder to do it..and l would be in and out of the house regularly and could see when we were nearly there. It's a huge undertaking for one man so l hope he has called in other trades when needed.

Mrbob · 09/09/2021 08:17

I know its annoying but its fairly obvious when a house is a week off moving into. Surely if you are packing but you can see there is no kitchen or whatever then it is bloody clear its not going to be done in a week

someonesomewhere7 · 09/09/2021 08:46

@Thidwick, the last time you packed up everything for the move had you been to the house beforehand? Or at least seen pictures? I'm a little bit in desbelief at your lack of involvement and communication.

Original poster
Thidwick · 10/09/2021 14:24

Wow I dropped off the thread as wasn’t expecting such a response! In answer to some of your questions…

I work part time and am otherwise at home looking after the DC. If it was just the oldest I would bring him along and give him something to do in a safe corner while I did a bit, but I can’t with the youngest. He’s non stop and into everything. Last time I took him to the house he tried to sit on the chop saw and run off with a sharp piece of tile trim.

On the odd evening he’s been home I’ve been there, tiling, painting and cleaning up.

We have been living off savings, yes, but with rent to pay on top of a mortgage there’s barely anything left (another reason why I want to get a wriggle on)

To the poster who said aren’t I worried about him driving into a tree with tiredness, I am worried about him doing something stupid in burnout, but to unwind when he does get home he’ll put on his PlayStation, get sucked into a game and not go to bed until midnight making him even more exhausted. Then because he’s tired he finds it hard to focus so everything takes longer and mistakes are made.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thidwick · 10/09/2021 14:30

@namechange7865 it’s not falling through - he has been telling me it’s nearly ready since February and, having seen it for myself, I’m keeping the van booking and we’re moving. There’s a lot of little bits to finish off but all of the big stuff is done. He’s wiring the poo talk today (which needs wiring because it’s a macerator, or ‘log chopper’ as DH calls it Grin )

OP posts:
Original poster
Thidwick · 10/09/2021 14:33

@Mrbobthere is a kitchen, bathrooms etc. It’s the smaller stuff DH wants to delay the move for - touching up paintwork, putting shelves in cupboards, gravelling the drive, hanging bedroom cupboard doors, seeding grass in the garden etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Thidwick · 10/09/2021 14:35

For those saying surely you wouldn’t pack until you could see it’s ready to go, up until this week when DC2 started school, I had very little time to myself so yes I started packing up toys, books, hobby stuff that doesn’t get used everyday, as soon as I could only to have to drag it all out again.

OP posts:
HoHoLow · 10/09/2021 14:44

[quote Thidwick]@Mrbobthere is a kitchen, bathrooms etc. It’s the smaller stuff DH wants to delay the move for - touching up paintwork, putting shelves in cupboards, gravelling the drive, hanging bedroom cupboard doors, seeding grass in the garden etc[/quote]
Surely this stuff gets finished after you move in though?! Fair enough about the miswired poo log chopper that’s sort of essential but seeding grass, etc isn’t!! It’s costing you rent by delaying due to this - does DH understand that’s your frustration? I think you need to sit and say to him that the small items need to wait until you’ve moved in as it’s costing you in rent and lost income. He’ll have to finish when not working like anyone moving to a new house that needs “finishing touches”. Do you think he’s enjoying working in his own build and not having the pressure of outside clients to work for?