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Original poster

How do I get a break from dd and gs

47 replies

Littlelegs2 · 07/09/2021 16:59

Hi there is alot going on with my dd and gs. All to do with domestic violence social services etc. I have been supporting her best I can. She comes to me everyday from the early afternoon till around 8pm at night. I also have other children as well.

From tomorrow my grandson starts nursery in the school my children go to. He will be there 9-12 my daughter will have to travel quite a way so she won't be able to go home which will mean she will be with me from 8.30am is till 8pm. It will mean I won't even get a couple of hours on my own /break. Dd is quite hard work. Gs can be as well. I love them to bits and will always out them before myself. But sometimes I need a break. And I don't know how to get it without it effecting dd and gs to much. She's in a refuge at the moment and it's not a place she likes to spend time.

OP posts:
bluejelly · 07/09/2021 17:02

That sounds tough. You are doing all kinds of amazing supporting your dd and gs at this time. It won't last forever.
Are you able to take up an afternoon activity or some part time work that would get you out of the house more? Could your dd do some part-time work whilst her son is at nursery?

Popetthetreehugger · 07/09/2021 17:05

I’m so sorry your DD is going threw this ,well done her for getting this far . Can you leave her at yours and go out ? Even a coffee on your own might be enough to get you threw ? 💐💐 to you both x

Original poster
Littlelegs2 · 07/09/2021 17:05

@bluejelly

That sounds tough. You are doing all kinds of amazing supporting your dd and gs at this time. It won't last forever. Are you able to take up an afternoon activity or some part time work that would get you out of the house more? Could your dd do some part-time work whilst her son is at nursery?
3 hours nursery does not give her any time .by the time she's added traveling. Plus she's not in the right mind to work just now.

And I don't want to do an activity or something like that I just want to do nothing 😕

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlelegs2 · 07/09/2021 17:08

@Popetthetreehugger

I’m so sorry your DD is going threw this ,well done her for getting this far . Can you leave her at yours and go out ? Even a coffee on your own might be enough to get you threw ? 💐💐 to you both x
I Need to be able to do house stuff. But my selfish side wants to do alone that feeling of freedom I guess . I'm going to a friends towards the end of the week for breakfast 😋 but that's a once a month ish thing .
OP posts:
Mariell · 07/09/2021 17:13

I don’t mean this unkindly but your daughter is in a refuge so presumably there is minimum housework. Why can’t she do some chores with you so any mattering can be done whilst you do stuff together and then afterwards give her the run of the living room and tv and say that you need some space and go to your bedroom or garden or sit in the kitchen with the door closed radio/read a book/internet or whatever floats your boat.

Payproblems · 07/09/2021 17:35

How old is she? You make it sound like she needs baby sitting and can't do stuff on her own even if it's relaxing and watching netfkix whilst her ds is in nursery?

Payproblems · 07/09/2021 17:36

Maybe she wants you to go out so she can have a break

Original poster
Littlelegs2 · 07/09/2021 17:40

@Payproblems

Maybe she wants you to go out so she can have a break
It's my house and I have stuff to do .
OP posts:
Original poster
Littlelegs2 · 07/09/2021 17:43

@Payproblems

How old is she? You make it sound like she needs baby sitting and can't do stuff on her own even if it's relaxing and watching netfkix whilst her ds is in nursery?
It's not that. But she's at my house so I never get time on my own. And she has no where to go whilst she's waiting for gs . And it's the same after nursery as well. She only has a couple of friends one she has tk leave gs with me because hes yo much of a handful. The other she just sees sometimes.
OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 07/09/2021 17:44

Does she have a specified support worker at the refuge.

It may be worth giving her a message.

The refuges sometimes run groups, offer counselling, arrange things with other women in the refuge etc.

Your dd and gs may be missing out on a lot of experiences and support by being at yours all the time.

As hard as it is for your dd, you can't be running on empty or you will be no use to her at all when she gets her own house eventually.

Sometimes the best thing to do for someone is not allow them to be totally reliant on you.

I would start by not being available for an afternoon or 2 a week and slowly increase that.

Original poster
Littlelegs2 · 07/09/2021 17:53

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

Does she have a specified support worker at the refuge.

It may be worth giving her a message.

The refuges sometimes run groups, offer counselling, arrange things with other women in the refuge etc.

Your dd and gs may be missing out on a lot of experiences and support by being at yours all the time.

As hard as it is for your dd, you can't be running on empty or you will be no use to her at all when she gets her own house eventually.

Sometimes the best thing to do for someone is not allow them to be totally reliant on you.

I would start by not being available for an afternoon or 2 a week and slowly increase that.

Dd is as the gym at the moment and I asked her when she finished to come take l gs and go home. I said I'm just hot and tired. Plus she needs tobget gs bathed etc ready for his first day at nursery. I have not really told her the real reason though.

She does all the counciling sessions and groups etc . She had sw meets etc at my house. To be honest not much gos on at the refuge. There's her counselling that she does once a week. And a 1hr session at a play group once a week with is aimed a mums /children in het situation and that's it .

OP posts:
Cuddlemuffin · 07/09/2021 18:01

Could you just ask her to go out to a cafe for a couple of hours while you get the housework done? Or one hour every time your GS is at nursery straight after drop off or something? I think you're being amazingly supportive but also think you need to tread very carefully as she's clearly very vulnerable and any kind of rejection will make her feel really terrible. Just try to be upfront as I'm sure she'll sense if if you continue to not want her there but don't say anything x

Comedycook · 07/09/2021 18:04

@Payproblems

Maybe she wants you to go out so she can have a break
To be fair it's the ops house. She can do what she wants.
Original poster
Littlelegs2 · 07/09/2021 18:06

@Cuddlemuffin

Could you just ask her to go out to a cafe for a couple of hours while you get the housework done? Or one hour every time your GS is at nursery straight after drop off or something? I think you're being amazingly supportive but also think you need to tread very carefully as she's clearly very vulnerable and any kind of rejection will make her feel really terrible. Just try to be upfront as I'm sure she'll sense if if you continue to not want her there but don't say anything x
That's exactly it . I have to be careful how I do things because I don't want her to feel I'm pushing her away or that I don't care etc. And because she in vulnerable I think it would effect her more than it normally would.
OP posts:
Iputthetrampintrampoline · 07/09/2021 18:13

Would it be worth trying to get her to do things that interest her now she has a few free hours? Is there anything locally near to your house going on like a gym or a book club or even I dunno driving lessons? Anything really just to get her involved and out making friends and gaining her confidence and independance back? It must be really worrying for you and soul destroying for her too with what sounds like you have all been through a trauatic time, Swimming? anything really maybe?

Mariell · 07/09/2021 18:16

Could you give her a shopping list and some cash whilst you do your housework?

Boobieboobieboobie · 07/09/2021 18:20

Im a bit shocked that she is not living with you.Confused I totally get the space thing though.

Original poster
Littlelegs2 · 07/09/2021 18:21

She gis to gym everyday from 4ish she has a couple if gym buddy's but nothing outside if the gym.

The nursery is is like this drop of 9am time she's settled him and got to my house its getting on for 9.45. Then she has to leave around 11.15 to get the 11.25 bus. So it sounds like alot of tome but it's not . I have said I will pay for gs to do a couple of full days 9-3 once he's settled. So maybe I need to wait for that

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlelegs2 · 07/09/2021 18:22

@Boobieboobieboobie

Im a bit shocked that she is not living with you.Confused I totally get the space thing though.
I don't have the room . I have to sleep in my living room as it is .
OP posts:
Boobieboobieboobie · 07/09/2021 18:23

Fair enough. Tricky situation all round. Can you just be honest and say you need some me time? Can she go upstairs?

DelphiniumBlue · 07/09/2021 18:28

How difficult for you- I can understand you wanting to help DD but also needing your own space.
A few ideas - if nursery doesn't start till 9, why she need to come to you at 8.30? She could go straight to nursery from the refuge.
At almost 6pm you said that she was at the gym. Why is she going to the gym then? She could be going during the morning while her son is at nursery. 6pm is a time when usually parents of nursery aged children are finishing up teatime and getting them ready for bath/bed,/winding down, not out doing their own thing. It is a time of day when small children are often a bit tired and cantankerous, and she needs to know it is not OK to dump on you to deal with her DS while she goes off on a jolly at the crucial time. Unless she reciprocates by babysitting for you a few evenings a week so that you can go to the gym too.
He needs to be in bed by 8, not leaving yours for a journey at 8.
Maybe she needs to be a bit more independent, she won't make friends with the other young mums at nursery if she is always tagging along with you. Can you encourage her to do the nursery run by herself sometimes, maybe even taking your children to school, so that you are not always with her? If she got to know some other parents from nursery she'd have people to hang out with.
Tell her she needs to make use of her time while DS is at nursery - can she do a course at a local college, or even online and do it at the local library? It's really no good for her hanging round her mum all the time, and she needs to prepare for next year when DS will be in school and she will be able to work. How is she intending to support him?

Notaroadrunner · 07/09/2021 18:28

@Littlelegs2

She gis to gym everyday from 4ish she has a couple if gym buddy's but nothing outside if the gym.

The nursery is is like this drop of 9am time she's settled him and got to my house its getting on for 9.45. Then she has to leave around 11.15 to get the 11.25 bus. So it sounds like alot of tome but it's not . I have said I will pay for gs to do a couple of full days 9-3 once he's settled. So maybe I need to wait for that

So does she leave gs with you when she goes to the gym in the afternoon? I'd knock that on the head and tell her to go to the gym in the morning when gs is at nursery. Coming into the winter evenings she'll hardly want to be out and about in the dark so in the coming weeks she might start leaving earlier to get back to the refuge. What's the long term plan re accommodation for her and gs?
Iworkedhardforwhatihave · 07/09/2021 18:31

So why can’t she leave gs to nursery, go to the gym, pick him up and go home even 3 days a week?

2bazookas · 07/09/2021 18:32

Much as you want to help her, if you effectively let her spend all day every day with you in your family home, that might reduce her chance of ever getting rehoused .

You're in a miserable situation, so sorry.

Sneesher · 07/09/2021 18:33

I'm confused, if he's doing 9-12 in nursery why does she then stay at your house til 8pm?

What if you were to tell her you had plans and you were going out?