How do I get a break from dd and gs

[Littlelegs2]

Hi there is alot going on with my dd and gs. All to do with domestic violence social services etc. I have been supporting her best I can. She comes to me everyday from the early afternoon till around 8pm at night. I also have other children as well.

From tomorrow my grandson starts nursery in the school my children go to. He will be there 9-12 my daughter will have to travel quite a way so she won't be able to go home which will mean she will be with me from 8.30am is till 8pm. It will mean I won't even get a couple of hours on my own /break. Dd is quite hard work. Gs can be as well. I love them to bits and will always out them before myself. But sometimes I need a break. And I don't know how to get it without it effecting dd and gs to much. She's in a refuge at the moment and it's not a place she likes to spend time.

This is terrible for her, is there any sign of her getting accommodation near her sons school? How is she supposed to manage, that’s awful.

I’m so sorry you are going through this, it must be suffocating. All I can think to say is that it won’t last forever, and I’m very sorry you are going through this.

She only has a couple of friends one she has to leave gs with me because hes yo much of a handful. The other she just sees sometimes.

But GS is in nursery now. So she can drop GS at nursery, then see friend without him. That's one day. The second, she can do her gym workout while he's there, then collect him after. The third, she can wait at yours.

I too, don't understand why she's at yours until 8pm every day? She's a grown woman, she can entertain herself for the day. Even when GS isn't at nursery, what's preventing her from going to meet a mate for coffee, or simply go to a park in the morning, then the zoo/soft play/cinema/root round the shops/MacDonalds/anything else in the afternoon?

Don't let anyone make you feel bad because they aren't living with you.

That wouldn't be the best thing for any of you at the moment anyway.

As it is the refuge will help her secure social housing, which will be better in the long run, although living there is a short term pain in the arse.

How would she take it if you were fairly blunt with her. Tell her she can come Tuesdays and Thursdays or whatever, but you're busy in the other days. It would force her to become more independent.

Sounds very tough op, fwiw I agree with delphinium blue.

I can understand how you're feeling. I was craving time on my own during lockdown.

I think you need to be honest with her. Tell her you'll always support her and GS but you think she should be building a wider support network. Could she go back to the refuge once she's picked up her DS once a week? Or go do your supermarket shop one morning?

@DelphiniumBlue

How difficult for you- I can understand you wanting to help DD but also needing your own space. A few ideas - if nursery doesn't start till 9, why she need to come to you at 8.30? She could go straight to nursery from the refuge. At almost 6pm you said that she was at the gym. Why is she going to the gym then? She could be going during the morning while her son is at nursery. 6pm is a time when usually parents of nursery aged children are finishing up teatime and getting them ready for bath/bed,/winding down, not out doing their own thing. It is a time of day when small children are often a bit tired and cantankerous, and she needs to know it is not OK to dump on you to deal with her DS while she goes off on a jolly at the crucial time. Unless she reciprocates by babysitting for you a few evenings a week so that you can go to the gym too. He needs to be in bed by 8, not leaving yours for a journey at 8. Maybe she needs to be a bit more independent, she won't make friends with the other young mums at nursery if she is always tagging along with you. Can you encourage her to do the nursery run by herself sometimes, maybe even taking your children to school, so that you are not always with her? If she got to know some other parents from nursery she'd have people to hang out with. Tell her she needs to make use of her time while DS is at nursery - can she do a course at a local college, or even online and do it at the local library? It's really no good for her hanging round her mum all the time, and she needs to prepare for next year when DS will be in school and she will be able to work. How is she intending to support him?

That was long 😁. I will answer best I can. She meets me at 8.30 because she has to get 3 buses abd the last bus she gets is the same bus I get ti get my children to school. He's not started nursery yet uts from tomorrow so there's not a routine established just yet . I get what your saying about a children beginning to wind down by 6ish bath ready for bed etc . Iblmlw how she does things is not great. But after all that she's been through which is alot the last thing I wanted to do was to start going on at her about hetxsins routine and how it should be. Also at the refuge it's just a room she shares a double bed with him. So it's not always easy to quietly settle him all she need to do is go to the toilet or sort a few bits for the next day abd or disturbs him. But im hoping once nursery is actually happening ir mofjt he easier for her ti have a routine.

I'm definitely hoping she might get to know other parents. There's honestly no time for her to do courses. By the time she's done call the bus traveling its not actually 3 hours for her.

She does some times pick my children up .

She's not intending to work (yet) she needs time for healing at the moment

And yes I'm hoping she will meet other mums and become more distant from me to do her own thing.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

Don't let anyone make you feel bad because they aren't living with you.

That wouldn't be the best thing for any of you at the moment anyway.

As it is the refuge will help her secure social housing, which will be better in the long run, although living there is a short term pain in the arse.

How would she take it if you were fairly blunt with her. Tell her she can come Tuesdays and Thursdays or whatever, but you're busy in the other days. It would force her to become more independent.

Thank you. Sadly she's not going to get secure housing . In a nut shell she's been dumped into standard temporary accommodation. Which could be a room I'm a shared house sharing kitchen /bathroom with strangers including men. Which I think is pretty disgusting after alm that get and gs have been through.

Give her a broom and tell her to sweep the paths, mow the lawn and water the plants for you. Giving her something to do will boost her confidence and show her she can achieve something even if it is small. You get an hours peace and she can do a few chores.

@GameSetMatch

Give her a broom and tell her to sweep the paths, mow the lawn and water the plants for you. Giving her something to do will boost her confidence and show her she can achieve something even if it is small. You get an hours peace and she can do a few chores.

It's my selfish side though. I actually want to be on my own. I don't even want the presence of her and gs being here . That's my very selfish side I want that totally alone feeling . Just so I can have that feeling of relaxing or doing my own thing. I want to feel my shoulders drop.

I basically just need to tell her I think. I just feel guilty

@Littlelegs2
It's not selfish. We all need breathing space. I wouldn't want someone in my home that much either, no matter what my relationship is to them. I love my own space and very rarely feel lonely or alone.
You may need to be blunt as a pp said. Get the rest of the week out of the way and then firmly say how you have a routine and need to get back to it. It is a tricky one but for your own peace of mind, you do need to tell her something.

I get not wanting to be at the refuge, but it's not a choice between you and the refuge. I don't understand why she's not taking little one to the park, the woods etc. Hopefully she'll make friends at preschool and they can meet up after the session.

@Di11y

I get not wanting to be at the refuge, but it's not a choice between you and the refuge. I don't understand why she's not taking little one to the park, the woods etc. Hopefully she'll make friends at preschool and they can meet up after the session.

She does them things mainly at weekends. Its actually really hard to find something to do everyday. Especially thats free ir very cheap even gs asks to leave the park because he gets bored

Can you tell her that from now on on Thursday afternoons you have volunteering/a club? I get why you wouldn’t want to straight up say you need to be alone but this way you could tell a small fib and get the afternoon for yourself. Maybe you could also encourage her to spend this time doing an activity or club with ds or taking him somewhere while the weather’s nice.

I do understand, sheltered housing is basically shit - I was in sheltered housing and why they thought one tiny room was acceptable accommodation for a young girl and her baby is beyond me. I remember my social worker and Heath visitor telling me all about sticking to good ‘routines’ and how important it was. I was so anxious to do it right I used to turn the light off at 7pm when ds was asleep in his little cot and I would just lie on the couch listening to music. There was no space for privacy or to make a good routine with a baby.

On the other hand, you need that time to yourself too - you already have no private space if you’re sleeping in the living room so I imagine this time in the day is important for you too.

@Kanaloa

Can you tell her that from now on on Thursday afternoons you have volunteering/a club? I get why you wouldn’t want to straight up say you need to be alone but this way you could tell a small fib and get the afternoon for yourself. Maybe you could also encourage her to spend this time doing an activity or club with ds or taking him somewhere while the weather’s nice.

I do understand, sheltered housing is basically shit - I was in sheltered housing and why they thought one tiny room was acceptable accommodation for a young girl and her baby is beyond me. I remember my social worker and Heath visitor telling me all about sticking to good ‘routines’ and how important it was. I was so anxious to do it right I used to turn the light off at 7pm when ds was asleep in his little cot and I would just lie on the couch listening to music. There was no space for privacy or to make a good routine with a baby.

On the other hand, you need that time to yourself too - you already have no private space if you’re sleeping in the living room so I imagine this time in the day is important for you too.

Yes that's just it gs is 3.5 so he won't settle if there's anything going on. So she would basically have to turn the light of and lay in silence which would be horrible for her basically having to go to bed the same time as a 3 year old. I can't pretend I'm doing something she knows I would never ever stop her being in my house

Can you ask her to change her gym session to the mornings? If she went right there after dropping dc at nursery she’d fill the whole 3hr slot easily the. Collect child back to yourself for lunch then encourage her to take him to parks walks etc. Then back to her room for child’s bedtime at 7pm. He’ll need that if at nursery for 9 and long commute there. If she did that 3 mornings a week you’d have the mornings alone at least?

I know it won’t be easy for her going to her room for 7pm but the child must need sleep surely especially with starting nursery. She could “go to sleep” with him at 7pm then sit up in bed when he’s sound asleep to watch something on a device if she has one or listen to music etc on headphones. He’ll likely be exhausted so sleep sounder now at nursery (at least that’s what I found with my dc).

You sound like amazing mum trying to do right by your dd and dgs and I understand the need to just have time alone. Hopefully once nursery starts things will fall into a better routine for you.

I think a trip to local gardens/leisure centre.Look on trip advisor for things within a 5k radius&knock them off your list?
For the relatively short period of time in your life that is pivotal to your dd&gs i think let them know the support is there as long as they need the outlet of your home&just chalk it up to doing whats best to get them(&you)through it with the least implosion..so anything that looks remotely serene/exciting could be a good bet.

Can you channel some energy into helping her find housing? You could encourage her with applications and seeking support? I imagine when she has her own little place she’ll be eager to be there more often.

@Kanaloa

Can you channel some energy into helping her find housing? You could encourage her with applications and seeking support? I imagine when she has her own little place she’ll be eager to be there more often.

She has no choice but to go into temporary accommodation after the refuge. All her applications and housing assessment etc are all in place.

Are you in London?

Would she be able to move elsewhere to have a higher chance of finding housing?

@BluebelllsRosesDaffodills

Are you in London?

Would she be able to move elsewhere to have a higher chance of finding housing?

No that would not work.

This sounds like a really tough situation for you all OP. I really feel for your DD, and I can understand why she wants to spend so much time at yours. Equally, I totally get that you need some time to yourself.

It's tricky because anything you say is likely to upset her, which is the last thing you want. Does she go to the gym every day? I would suggest that she starts going in the mornings now little one is at nursery. You can say that this would make things easier as you can get on with what you need to do in the morning and spend time altogether in the afternoon.

I think she'll need to find a way to get DS to bed earlier. Does she have a TV in her room? Most children will drop off in front of the telly when they're tired. Could she sit and cuddle him and watch TV until he falls asleep? Not ideal I know, but ok as a temporary solution.

Such a tough situation and I total get you needing time alone in your house. I’ve got a couple of ideas

Firstly I’d leave it a week or two for grandson to settle in to nursery then I think you need to say to daughter that you need to sit down and have a conversation now your all getting into a new routine

1. you need time in your own
2. your daughter and gs need a new routine now he’s at nursery And take it from there? I agree with other posters that now he’s at nursery she needs to do what other mothers do and fit gum etc into his nursery hours, also yes it’s shite that she’d be in bed when he is but actually many of us do that - you wait until they are sleeping and scroll on your phone or watch tv on your phone with earbuds. She has to get used to spend teatime, bedtime etc as a unit of 2?

If the next couple of weeks are going to be too long can you suggest she goes and does stuff by herself outside your house as a treat? Coffee? Swim? Walk?