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Original poster

So disappointed in year 3 son

46 replies

littlehouseonthepraire · 07/09/2021 12:43

NC For this, although I posted yesterday about school dramas with my daughter. And today it's my son.

Not that it's particularly relevant, but son is just 7 so young for his year.

There's been a dynamic rumbling with a couple boys in his class for the last 6 months. One of the group is always pulled out as the "baddie" in games etc. He can be a bit tricky and has been known to kick and push and I think this has led to this dynamic. However, it feels it's now tipped over into the boy being picked on, with my son being one of those that's excluding him.

I can't tell you the number of times that we've spoken to our son about being kind, bullying, good choices etc.

I just feel so disappointed it's like non of it has gone in. I want to go nuclear on him. How is this best dealt with???

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/09/2021 12:47

He can be a bit tricky and has been known to kick and push and I think this has led to this dynamic.

Is your son bullying him or just not wanting to be around him? I would exclude this boy, too, if he were kicking and pushing me or my friends. Who has told you that this boy is allegedly being picked on?

Original poster
littlehouseonthepraire · 07/09/2021 12:50

I think it's a bit more than just excluding, I think it's stuff like you can't join in our game because of x y or z. Or chasing him in the playground. Son seems to think this other boy likes it and that it's part of a game but I had a long conversation with the father yesterday and he apparently goes home and says he doesn't. I think it's tipped over into the boy being targeted.

OP posts:
romdowa · 07/09/2021 12:50

To be honest if someone spent 6 moths pushing and kicking me then I wouldn't want to be around them either. Please don't teach your ds to tolerate bad behaviour and allow himself to be physically hurt just to spare the perpetrators feelings.

Original poster
littlehouseonthepraire · 07/09/2021 12:52

Of course I understand that, and I wouldn't. However, it's 3 boys (my son included) vs 1. I have always told my son to just walk away or tell a teacher if someone is doing something that they don't like. But it seems this group have taken it on a themselves to police it.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/09/2021 12:56

I think it's a bit more than just excluding, I think it's stuff like you can't join in our game because of x y or z.

If the x,y,or z is because this boy is mean and violent, you should support your son with this decision. Your child should be encouraged to have standards and boundaries.

Or chasing him in the playground. Son seems to think this other boy likes it and that it's part of a game but I had a long conversation with the father yesterday and he apparently goes home and says he doesn't.

If this is all true then your son doesn't understand that the boy is upset about being chased. Tell your son that this needs to stop immediately, but if he doesn't want to be friends with this boy, that's perfectly OK.

Why on earth you want to go "nuclear" over this situation is beyond me. That clearly won't help anything.

romdowa · 07/09/2021 12:57

Then just talk to your son and explain that its just best to stay away from the boy and that while he doesn't have to be his friend or play with him but that he can't be nasty to him either. Although I would suspect that the kids took it upon them selves to police this because the teachers failed to act and the boy was allowed to get away with his behaviour and they simply had enough. I wouldn't be too hard on your son though. It's hard to have empty for someone who has given you a hard time.

Mariell · 07/09/2021 13:05

I can’t see what your son is doing as bring anything but standing up for himself and making the bully know that him pushing children around is unacceptable and the consequences for being a bully is that no one now wants to play with him/

I wouldn’t be going ‘nuclear’ on the boy I would be heaping him with praise for standing firm and setting the example to bullies.

621CustardCream438 · 07/09/2021 13:11

I wouldn’t go nuclear, I might not even say much at all to him yet. I would ask to speak to his teacher, tell her/him everything you know about it, stress that you want to know if your son is misbehaving or bullying and let them deal look into it. You aren’t there, the other child’s Dad isn’t there. I’d see what the adults who are there say before diving in and going nuclear at your child. There’s usually multiple sides to these kinds of things and at some point unpleasant children need to learn that actions have consequences - y3 is old enough for a NT child to know that if you don’t play nicely with people they won’t want to play with you.

trumpisagit · 07/09/2021 13:17

This needs to be dealt with in school by the playground supervisor /teacher. You are not there and the children's perspectives on this are different.
I would suggest the other boys dad reports it to the school, and it can be dealt with on the ground.
There is probably several sides to the story.

Folklore9074 · 07/09/2021 13:17

@romdowa

Then just talk to your son and explain that its just best to stay away from the boy and that while he doesn't have to be his friend or play with him but that he can't be nasty to him either. Although I would suspect that the kids took it upon them selves to police this because the teachers failed to act and the boy was allowed to get away with his behaviour and they simply had enough. I wouldn't be too hard on your son though. It's hard to have empty for someone who has given you a hard time.
This ^^

Completely agree that your son doesn't have to be friends with him but can't be nasty either. They need to learn to leave people alone who they don't get on with. It sounds like there is a bit of 'pack mentality' going on here but it hasn't over spilled into bullying yet.

Original poster
littlehouseonthepraire · 07/09/2021 13:22

Thank you. I need some sense talking into me which is why I asked here. So I do appreciate it! I think I want(Ed) to go nuclear is because it felt like be bullying

OP posts:
SweetBabyCheeses99 · 07/09/2021 13:30

Hmm, why are assuming that the tricky kid is telling his Dad the truth? Presumably the Dad asked him why was he always in trouble for violence? No 3 year old is going to say it’s because I’m a dick or it’s because you didn’t raise me properly Daddy. He’s going say simple things like no-one wants to play with me and the other boys chase me away. Bullies learn to employ this method of attack as defence - turning the tables to make out that they’re the victim. I guess it comes naturally to them since the way they act is more often a reflection of how they feel about themselves. Anyway, you’ve clearly brought your son up well and you should support him to assert his boundaries. That other kid will hopefully learn a lesson and be reintegrated socially but it’s not your problem until he does, let the teachers deal with it.

Cotswoldmama · 07/09/2021 13:44

I would talk to your son and just say I think tricky boy would like to play with you and your friends and is feeling sad about always being the baddie and being left out. I would ask him to try to include him but also tell him that the hitting is not acceptable. I would ask him if he knows why the boy was hitting, was it a reaction to something? Hitting is always wrong but could your son and his friends have wound him up enough to make him lash out? Maybe he needs to try and think about how the boy is feeling, which is quite hard for a 7 year old to do! I think quite often bullies don't realise they bullying as they think it's a game.

Original poster
littlehouseonthepraire · 07/09/2021 13:56

Thank you all, I will speak to him today. And not go nuclear.

OP posts:
eekbumbler · 07/09/2021 13:58

Poor kid, gets fed up of being kicked n shoved, at the age of 7 displays his own boundaries and has a mum who is disappointed in him and wants to go nuclear at him. One that feels more sorry for the kid who brought it on himself and needs to learn to spend some time understanding why his actions have caused this situation.

BreatheAndFocus · 07/09/2021 14:14

If your son doesn’t want to play with him, he shouldn’t feel he has to. It sounds like the other boy needs some support with his playground behaviour and how to approach other children.

This is something the school should be monitoring, and the boy’s parent(s) should be speaking to the school.

2389Champ · 07/09/2021 14:46

If it’s any comfort, I had a phone call from a parent when my DD was in Y3 telling me my daughter had been bullying hers. I’m afraid I gave my DD what for about the importance of kindness and being a good friend etc etc. I visited school the next morning to apologise and assure the class teacher I was on the case. The teacher shocked me by telling me my DD wasn’t the problem at all, the other child had been pushing my DD and her friend around, physically punching them, pinching and biting herself and telling them she was going to get them in trouble with an adult. It transpired my daughter had attempted to be the peacemaker and tried to include the troublemaker into the group so she didn’t feel excluded. The school were planning to speak to me that following morning because they were actually concerned about my DDs wellbeing, but the parent got in there first. Always worth finding out the whole scenario with children before you jump to any conclusions.

EIIa · 07/09/2021 14:48

You want to “go nuclear”? On a 7 year old? 😱

Original poster
littlehouseonthepraire · 07/09/2021 14:51

Not sure about the faux outrage at "going nuclear". In my book it's about very firmly telling my child the importance of boundaries and bullying. If it means something different in your book, so be it.

OP posts:
eekbumbler · 11/09/2021 04:04

How can you equate "going nuclear" to "firmly telling" ?

How did you deal with it OP?

pompomsgalore · 11/09/2021 06:43

Stop derailing the ops thread with all the nuclear semantics. Keep to the point fgs.

I would speak to school ASAP to get a full picture.

MoreAloneTime · 11/09/2021 06:55

I with PP that you need to speak to the school so they can keep an eye on the situation as it's going to be hard to get a picture from these boys different accounts

OldChinaJug · 11/09/2021 06:57

Do speak to the school.

I'm a teacher and a couple of years ago had a year 3 class in which the was a child who behaved similarly - hitting, pushing, kicking, telling the other 7/8 year olds they were fat and ugly etc.

There were reasons for it and we were addressing those but when he was upset that the other children were excluding him from their games and standing up for themselves, I supported their right to do so.

I wouldn't spend time with someone who punched, kicked, hit or insulted me either. I'm sure you wouldn't so why would you expect your child to?

KimDeals · 11/09/2021 07:10

Loop the school in for definite. It’s really hard to change this dynamic and the behaviour change (not being a lemming and just doing as the other ‘bullies’ are doing) without their support.

My daughter was being overwhelmed by her best friend - the friend would punish my DD if she played with anyone else, for example if DD had a play date with outside of school she would be “excluded” from games the following week as ‘punishment’ from this girl and nobody was allowed to play with DD. All the others in their little class were scared of her and wound just fall in. One boy stepped out and said “I’ll play with you DD” (they played Spider-Man… I feel eternally grateful to this little boy ever since) He told his mum, who told me, and the whole bullying thing was unravelled.

Bullying is so subtle and kids can be passively contributing to a situation. Exclusion is a form of bullying and I think when you get the school on board to reinforce what to do/not to do in the playground it’ll change.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/09/2021 07:14

Idk if you’re coming back. But why oh why would you speak to your child about something happening in school beyond asking his interpretation of the events? You definitely should not tell your child off let alone go nuclear on the say so of another parent but rather talk to the school and tell the other parent to do the same.