Would you hate me if I was your mum?

[Statisticz]

This morning between 7:30 and 09:00 all I did was bicker with my DS (8yo). I’m constantly nagging him, prompting him to do things, it’s like he’s in his own little world and has absolutely no realisation of such a thing called time.

I hate being late and I hate rushing. He isn’t a morning person so I wake him up 07:30ish for school so we both can have a bit of extra time - him to waken up properly and me to leave plenty time to avoid being late.

Anyway, he takes way too long to eat breakfast (nearly 30mins for two slices of toast), I need to remind him to get dressed within next 10mins etc, I need to come in and check he is in fact getting dressed as he doesn’t take instructions and will just dilly dally at his own pace.

It’s frustrating and today I just felt if I held a mirror to myself would I be classified as a good mum, probably not. I said things like “you’re hard work”, “I really hope you change one day”, I even said “I pray to god to help you change”.

Yes I think if you keep saying those things to him he will internalise them, and grow up to believe there is something intrinsically wrong with him. That is what you'll be teaching him.

It sounds frustrating but you need to stop saying stuff like that. Imagine what it's doing to his self esteem to hear that.

We have all done this at some point or will do it at at some point . Go easy on yourself.

Sounds like a normal stressy school morning. You shouldn't say those things though, this stuff sinks in. It's fine to say 'you need to be quicker in the mornings' etc but you have gone too far with your words.

It sounds like how the school years went in our house!!!

I don't think you should be saying things like "you're hard work" even if he is frustrating
Nowt wrong with Ds2 was hard work and no matter what approach I took he was still day dreaming about stars, planets and different galaxies!
He is slightly better now he is 22!

Start afresh. Think the thoughts in your head but don’t say them too him.

It sounds trite but repeating negative phrases to a child about their behaviour encourages a believe in themselves that they are what you say so it’s better to keep a shtum about how much he is annoying you and just give praise for the things he is doing well as that promotes confidence and a willingness to earn more praise.

It’s a bit like training a dog.’Naughty boy!’ will just be met with sad eyes but ‘Good boy!’ and their tails will wag and their faces light up!

I would not be getting him up early. Clothes all ready the night before so he doesn’t have to look for anything just put them straight on.

A set routine is necessary and even make a visual chart that he could help you make that gives the times and what he should be doing at those times may help.

The comments aren't great, but no one is a perfect parent all the time. I'd try to avoid them in future.

You need to reset into a better routine. Family meeting to agree a routine e.g. up at 7.30, dressed by 7.45, breakfast finished by 7.05, bag packed by 7.15. Maybe make a visual chart to remind you both of what you've agreed, and set alarms or have an accessible clock. Then dedicate a couple of weeks to really chasing him to stick to the routine (e.g. you have 5 minutes left until breakfast is finished, three minutes left, you are out of time for breakfast).

Good idea to have a reward e.g. ten minutes TV time if he is completely ready on time. We did a start chart for a bit to earn a toy they wanted.

Oh, and go over the top with praise if he is on time for any section of the routine.

@StMarysKettle

I don't think you should be saying things like "you're hard work" even if he is frustrating.

If he's not learning these skills then maybe your approach isn't working.

This

Review your own actions OP.

I’d ignore the stuff you don’t like, break it down further. It’s almost micromanaging qnd it is a bit frustrating but it helps kids. then praising him when he does manage things.
I’d have him in bed earlier and up at 7 so you Have plenty time in the morning if he is slow. Means you’re not quite as harassed there is time for him to take a wee bit longer. We get up at 7. I’m up at quarter to. Makes a big difference. Baby steps. And lots of positivity encouragement for him. It is hard when it’s frustrating for you but he is learning. He’ll get there but with a mum who is a bit more laid back. Def helps

I still have to chivvy my 14 year old along in the mornings. He used to be quite efficient at 8 so it doesn't necessarily get better- you can't resort to all this negativity as it is unkind and actually won't help in the slightest.

My 4yo is fantastic in the morning, my 7yo is nothing short of a nightmare. Distracted by everything and anything whilst I’m doing the lunches/snacks/bags/getting myself dressed. We spent some time at the weekend making a little timetable and having him draw the clock faces to show what time each bit needs to be done by. It’s made a massive difference.

I was super shouty in the morning trying to shoehorn them into uniform and out the door tbh so I don’t think it unusual.

I've been through this nightmare. My son is 4 and my daughter is 2. Changes I made that have helped:

1. Wake up 30 mins before kids, make sure I'm ready and dressed by the time kids wake up.
2. Pack lunches/snacks night before.
3. I wake the kids up and after cuddles I keep on top of them and guide them through what they need to be doing. As soon as my son is done on the toilet and little one's nappy is changed I hand them their clothes and they put them on in front of me. I can then keep talking and guide them to the next task. If I leave the room then they will probably just mess around and not wear their clothes. I think being dressed helps to get them in the right mode to start the day.
4. Breakfast should be last.
5. Timer clocks help. I got mine from amazon for £10. I also find it helps to keep them engaged during breakfast so they don't start day dreaming and wasting time. I.e. talking to them about plans for what we will do after school. I make some words with magnetic letters on the fridge for him to have a go at reading etc. I did used to sometimes put something on for them to watch on the tablet but now I find it has the opposite effect and slows them down.

I think it's more tiring for me as I have to be more present and engaged, but its the only way that I've found actually works. Otherwise I'm just getting stressed and telling them off for being slow.

You shouldn't say such things to your child. No justification no matter how frustrated you are. It is your job to find a better more efficient morninfng routine.

A visual timetable is also a really good idea!

I absolutely understand your frustration - kids are like this - they don't care about being late for school and don't really have a conception of time.

But this is counter productive I said things like “you’re hard work”, “I really hope you change one day”, I even said “I pray to god to help you change”

These sentences are to vent your frustration rather than effect change.

This is labelling him. If you tell him he is like this then that is what he will come to believe about himself and he'll never change. Your subtle message is that is who he is and only some godly intervention could change him.

And what's more its shaming. I am about to book to an online short training session on the impact of shaming children.

I do understand OP, I worry about my approach with the kids too. But you asked for opinions and that's what I think about what you say.

He's 8!! 'I pray to god you change'? WTF? While they're primary aged, you need to help them get ready or they'll be playing with taps in the bathroom, getting mesmerised by toys etc. 8 is not old enough to have the time management skills you expect from him. Cut him some slack, he's a normal 8 year old.

Thank you everyone and especially those who have told me what I needed to hear which is that my words could really be damaging to my child’s self esteem.

Of course I don’t mean to be so brutal but it’s just draining and repetitive to have to go through the same set of instructions day in day out every weekday morning.

If I just left DC to it I wonder if they would manage to get everything done on time? Maybe my constant interference and nagging is what’s counter productive? I think I’ll try that one morning and see how it works.

But yeah I’ll definitely not use such strong words that could damage DC again and I’ll be sure to apologise and have a wee chat with him after school today.

I would hate for my mum to say those things to me so I can understand where I’m going wrong. Feel like such a crap mum tbh.

Some of you have said it sounds normal for an 8 yo to be this way, I don’t have anything to compare to and maybe I expect too much for his age?

I do breakfast first, otherwise it won’t happened, lots of great suggestions, I have one more I still use in secondary, I put the bbc on, and go by that clock, 7.20 breakfast finish, 7.30 brushing teeth finish, 7.45 dressed, 7.50 out the door, the clock is clearly visible and the presenters are always prompting with the time, I would change the shaming statements for you need to do this, and then that, depending on ages and any special needs adapt as needed

Star chart? If he gets ready 5 days a week, he gets x really good thing at the weekend?

How is he with stuff such as shoe lace tying and cycling?
I was like this as a child, constantly in my own little world and it turned out I have dyspraxia.

Is it just mornings he is so lethargic and slow?

A couple of things we tried with ds was a quick shower very first thing (a good habit anyway) to wake him up. The other was natural consequences - if you are too tired in the mornings to wake up and get ready you must need an earlier bedtime. Having everything laid out the night before helps too - clothes, shoes, school bag all day to go.

I would even suggest getting up later so he doesnt have time to dilly dally.

The comments you say to him are not idea, unkind even, and just reinforce his behaviour as being an intrinsic part of him. They maybe help your frustration but they don't deal with the problem.

Timers are your friend. A large oven timer which is set for 10 minutes. Get dressed before it goes beep or eat breakfast until it goes beep but then stop and go and get dressed.
At 8 he should be able to cope with a digital timer (which means you can keep an ear out for it too) but, if he’s not, you can get jumbo 10 minute egg timers that he can see the sand run through.

Also, aprons. Our morning was improved immeasurably by getting dressed before breakfast. I kept putt off making that obvious change because DD was only 5 and still inclined to spill or absentmindedly wipe buttery fingers on her frock so I covered her up with a big apron and she became a tidier eater with time.

@ArabellaStrange doesn’t know how to do laces? If I say zip your jacket he says he doesn’t know how to but I showed him and he did it fine after me so he does know. I’m unsure if it’s a case of just can’t be arsed rather than unable to do said tasks.