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My son was raped **Trigger Warning** Title edited by MNHQ

48 replies

Wot2do2 · 04/09/2021 20:55

Hi a while back under a different name I spoke about my son coming out as gay. And that he was meeting people. The only thing was that he was meeting older men. Late 30s + I think I can't 100% remember but ds is 18. I spoke to him several times about meeting older people are that he was vulnerable due to his age and that he had just come out. A few days ago ds told me he had been raped by the man he kept going to see. He never used the word rape but he described it. It happend several months back. He does not want to go to the police. He tells me he's having nightmares about it. And it's effecting hom quite badly. He's wants to work for the police and he's scared if he gos for any help the police might someone find out what happend and he won't be able to work for them. Which he has his heart set on.

At the moment he's emailing the samaritains. But I don't know how I can help him. He's so depressed and upset I want to take it all away for him but I can't.

OP posts:
DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 04/09/2021 20:56

I don't know what to say. Hug him if he'll let you.

Blueuggboots · 04/09/2021 20:57

If he reported this to the police, he would be treated as a victim and it would not impact his potential to work for them in the future.
I would recommend counselling for him.

spotcheck · 04/09/2021 20:57

I'm so sorry this happened to him 😟
Could you pay for him to see a therapist?

bloodywhitecat · 04/09/2021 20:58

I am so sorry OP, has he contacted someone like www.survivorsuk.org?

Turningintoastalker · 04/09/2021 21:00

I’m so sorry he’s experienced this perhaps some of the support here might be of help rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/looking-for-information/support-for-men-and-boys/

Wot2do2 · 04/09/2021 21:01

@spotcheck

I'm so sorry this happened to him 😟 Could you pay for him to see a therapist?
I don't have money for that. We have been trying to look up free support though. We did find a couple he said the problem is it's only open certain hours and it's night time that it's the worst. So I told him about samaritains. He's just sent them an email and was crying. He said he felt better for writing it down
OP posts:
Blue4YOU · 04/09/2021 21:01

Hi OP I’m sorry to hear this. Your poor son.
It’s good he’s in touch with the Samaritans.
Has he considered telling his GP.
I’m sure you realise that his concerns re his career with the police aren’t well founded. The police or any other employer would not be able to use his being the victim of a violent crime against him.
But right now he needs lots of support which you are giving him and time to think about it.
Can he get a counsellor?

MyDcAreMarvel · 04/09/2021 21:02

It would never ever impact on him working for the police.
He is a victim.

Wot2do2 · 04/09/2021 21:04

[quote bloodywhitecat]I am so sorry OP, has he contacted someone like www.survivorsuk.org?[/quote]
Thank you so much. I was looking for something like this.

OP posts:
AWryGiraffe · 04/09/2021 21:04

www.survivorsmanchester.org.uk/support-services/online-support-apps/

This charity are excellent, they provide telephone and email support too. He really needs to speak to someone. So sorry

Wot2do2 · 04/09/2021 21:05

[quote Turningintoastalker]I’m so sorry he’s experienced this perhaps some of the support here might be of help rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/looking-for-information/support-for-men-and-boys/[/quote]
Thank you for that I will take a look

OP posts:
MissCruellaDeVil · 04/09/2021 21:05

Bless him, he is very strong for telling you. That's the first hurdle, agree with contacting survivorship.org, hopefully they will be able to offer him some support.

Wot2do2 · 04/09/2021 21:08

@AWryGiraffe

https://www.survivorsmanchester.org.uk/support-services/online-support-apps/

This charity are excellent, they provide telephone and email support too. He really needs to speak to someone. So sorry

Thank you Flowers
OP posts:
Whywhenwhat · 04/09/2021 21:08

Can you see if their is a SARC near you? They have independant sexual assault advisors. They will not make your son report this but will be able to help him access therapy etc.

Mycatisthebest · 04/09/2021 21:09

That's awful 😞 Brave of him to tell you. Don't know what to say but I'm sure you will be there for him and if you can get some help for yourself. Big hugs for you both Daffodil

SirVixofVixHall · 04/09/2021 21:11

How upsetting to read this, your poor son OP. I am so sorry for both of you.
This should not impact future jobs at all, if he had been burgled, or mugged, then he would not be worried about reporting it, this is the same. He is the victim of a very serious crime.
I was going to suggest rape crisis but I see it has already been posted.
I think some support now will help moving forward. I have a male friend who was raped at school, he didn’t tell anyone at all until he had a complete breakdown as an older adult, so it is good that your son has been able to confide in you.

HerRoyalRisesAgain · 04/09/2021 21:12

I'm so sorry this happened to him.

Depending where you are in the country you can self refer for therapy on the NHS, or perhaps discuss with a GP being referred for therapy.

I'd also ask if a condom was used. If not he may want to get tested for STIs.

There is also rape crisis he can turn to for support.

MrsChuckBass · 04/09/2021 21:15

Hi OP
I would recommend speaking to the GP. I've worked with sexual assault survivors and we would often get referrals from the GP or sexual
health clinics.
So sorry this has happened to your son

Boredhimtodeath · 04/09/2021 21:17

Ohh this is sad! Thank god your relationship is good enough that he has been able to come to you for support.

itsgettingwierd · 04/09/2021 21:20

So sorry this happened to your son. Thanks

It's great he's getting help and some therapy will really help.

And it absolutely will not affect his career as a policeman.

RandomMess · 04/09/2021 21:20
Thanks
Verbena87 · 04/09/2021 21:20

Definitely worth him trying self referring for talking therapy - you can Google your local IAPT service and fill in a form. It’ll take a bit longer so follow up with Samaritans and the survivors charity too for right now, but should mean he can access some talking therapy to help process things.

I am so sorry.

And it speaks volumes about your relationship that he can come to you - excellent mumming.

ChargingBuck · 04/09/2021 21:29

I am so sorry your son was abused like this.
Echoing many pp above - he desperately needs all the support services you can find him.
He also deserves to know that what happened to him is every bit as bad as when it happens to women (a guess here, but his sense of shame is evident in his reluctance to go to the police in case it would jeopardise his career plans.) Orgs like Rape Crisis will be able to help him with that, & all the other complicated feelings & fears he's experiencing.

There is absolutely no requirement for him to report to police, & if he is reluctant, that needs to be respected. What he needs right now is a sense of his own agency, which was so cruelly taken away from him, & any urging to make him do something he does not want to do is counter-productive.

Am not suggesting you are doing any urging OP - but on threads like these there's usually at least one person popping up to preach about 'moral duty' to instead of victim support.

StorminaBcup · 04/09/2021 21:37

If you’re UK based he can access free therapy with the NHS - you’ve mentioned he’s having nightmares, it sounds as though he would benefit from having a professional to talk with, he can request a referral from his GP, he’ll be assessed and then most likely referred for high intensity input or community mental health team if he’s feeling actively suicidal. The organisations mentioned above are great. Here’s a few more:

www.male-rape.org.uk/

www.themix.org.uk/ (Under 25’s crisis support)

giveusashout.org/ (Text service)

There are also organisations to support LGBTQ+ which you find quite easily if you Google for your local area. Your son won’t be under pressure to report this as a crime if he does not wish to at this stage, and it won’t impact his future career choices either. Flowers

runwithme · 04/09/2021 21:48

OP, I have messaged you x

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