Page 2 | My son was raped **Trigger Warning** Title edited by MNHQ

Wot2do2 · 2021-09-04T19:55:21+00:00

Hi a while back under a different name I spoke about my son coming out as gay. And that he was meeting people. The only thing was that he was meeting older men. Late 30s + I think I can't 100% remember but ds is 18. I spoke to him several times about meeting older people are that he was vulnerable due to his age and that he had just come out. A few days ago ds told me he had been raped by the man he kept going to see. He never used the word rape but he described it. It happend several months back. He does not want to go to the police. He tells me he's having nightmares about it. And it's effecting hom quite badly. He's wants to work for the police and he's scared if he gos for any help the police might someone find out what happend and he won't be able to work for them. Which he has his heart set on. At the moment he's emailing the samaritains. But I don't know how I can help him. He's so depressed and upset I want to take it all away for him but I can't.

Luzina · 04/09/2021 21:52

www.kooth.com/

Kooth is an online mh support website for young people (I think up to age 24) which he could access any time

There’s also Shout which someone has mentioned above

Pinkbonbon · 04/09/2021 21:53

If it helps op, my best mate is gay and in the police and his husband has also recently become a police sergeant. I'm not aware of homophobia having been an issue for either of them in their jobs.

Original poster

Wot2do2 · 04/09/2021 21:58

@ChargingBuck

I am so sorry your son was abused like this. Echoing many pp above - he desperately needs all the support services you can find him. He also deserves to know that what happened to him is every bit as bad as when it happens to women (a guess here, but his sense of shame is evident in his reluctance to go to the police in case it would jeopardise his career plans.) Orgs like Rape Crisis will be able to help him with that, & all the other complicated feelings & fears he's experiencing.

There is absolutely no requirement for him to report to police, & if he is reluctant, that needs to be respected. What he needs right now is a sense of his own agency, which was so cruelly taken away from him, & any urging to make him do something he does not want to do is counter-productive.

Am not suggesting you are doing any urging OP - but on threads like these there's usually at least one person popping up to preach about 'moral duty' to instead of victim support.

Thank you . I'm definitely not pushing him to do anything he does not want to. I have told him about a couple of places that I know he he would feel safe to use . Plus sent him the links of some of the the people out in this thread so he can look when he wants to.

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Muchasgracias · 04/09/2021 22:18

I’m so sorry OP. Your DS has been so brave by telling you this in the first place and that’s also credit to you. He’s already taken a huge first step that many can’t take for years and years. If he can trust that there are people out there who want to help him, he will be ok.

As others have said, he is a victim and this will not affect a future career in the police. But right now, he needs to put himself first and reach out and have conversations with professionals who will help him organise his thoughts and how to move forward. Reporting a crime is something to consider but his well-being comes first for now.

70sduvet · 04/09/2021 22:28

I'm very sorry about the trauma that your son has been through and other posters have signposted great resources for mental help support.

I agree that reporting it will not go against any future career aspirations he may have and would be something he should really consider of he is able.

I would like to also recommend if you can that you gently suggest that he goes and gets checked over by a sexual health clinic. He may have already done this but it is very important to do after any sexual assault and often overlooked in the LGB community

Lovemusic33 · 04/09/2021 22:29

So sorry your ds is going through this. I understand why he doesn’t want to report it, having been there myself the whole process is awful and with out evidence it’s hard to prove, for me being questioned, recorded and giving statements only to be told I could be lying was just as damaging as the rape. I had help from ‘rape crisis’ ,they talked me through the process or reporting it and the options I had, they were also really lovely and understanding. I had one therapy session through the NHS where I talked through what had happened to me. I’m sure seeking help won’t effect his application to the police, if he doesn’t seek help then his mental health could decline.

You sound like a great mum, he’s lucky to have you and he obviously feels comfortable to come to you.

Getawaywithit · 04/09/2021 22:38

OP - hate to be the one to say it but he will need a full sexual health screening.

Pollaidh · 04/09/2021 22:40

If he's having nightmares and its about 6 weeks or more since it happened, then he might have PTSD. He needs to see a GP. Trauma therapy like EMDR would also be good but is tricky to get on NHS. If you have a low income some therapists will have a sliding scale if you ask.

Can you help him understand that it doesn't matter if the therapy etc is more 9-5, as going to therapy during the day will slowly help reduce the nightmares etc. If he needs support during the night then Samaritans is great, but on top the day time treatment.

Original poster

Wot2do2 · 04/09/2021 22:43

@Lovemusic33

So sorry your ds is going through this. I understand why he doesn’t want to report it, having been there myself the whole process is awful and with out evidence it’s hard to prove, for me being questioned, recorded and giving statements only to be told I could be lying was just as damaging as the rape. I had help from ‘rape crisis’ ,they talked me through the process or reporting it and the options I had, they were also really lovely and understanding. I had one therapy session through the NHS where I talked through what had happened to me. I’m sure seeking help won’t effect his application to the police, if he doesn’t seek help then his mental health could decline.

You sound like a great mum, he’s lucky to have you and he obviously feels comfortable to come to you.

I'm so sorry for what happend to you . And how hard the process is. I'm glad rape crises were able to support you. That is one of the reasons I have not pushed ds as there won't be any proof and it would be his word against the bloke that done it. And it would break him to go through all that and for nothing to be done about it. I think its about getting him help for him.

Thank you im so glad he can talk to Me. I never felt I could to my parents and I never ever want my kids to feel how I did.

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sleeponeday · 04/09/2021 22:45

It's a testament to you as his mum that he has felt able to confide in you, and from your responses, he's wise to do so.

There has been such good advice and support on the thread, and I can't add to it, but I wanted to send you, and him, much love.

Boomclaps · 04/09/2021 22:54

Hey OP, how are you doing? I have never been able to tell my mum I was raped because I fear it would break her. So please make sure you’re giving yourself the space to process

I found that my local offer of NHS talking therapy was brilliant for this.

Original poster

Wot2do2 · 04/09/2021 22:58

@sleeponeday

It's a testament to you as his mum that he has felt able to confide in you, and from your responses, he's wise to do so.

There has been such good advice and support on the thread, and I can't add to it, but I wanted to send you, and him, much love.

Thank you . I'm so glad he's able to told to me . It does make me see how close we actually are . He was able to talk to me about something so important. But we always have chats generally where he shares things with me generally. Which is nice

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Original poster

Wot2do2 · 04/09/2021 23:01

@Boomclaps

Hey OP, how are you doing? I have never been able to tell my mum I was raped because I fear it would break her. So please make sure you’re giving yourself the space to process

I found that my local offer of NHS talking therapy was brilliant for this.

I'm so sorry you felt you could not tell your mum. I hope your OK? I'm glad that the talking therapy helped you. I will pass it on to my son. I'm sorry for what you went through

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IDontLikeZombies · 04/09/2021 23:10

OP - hate to be the one to say it but he will need a full sexual health screening.

I work in sexual health. Please don't let him be scared of this. There's nothing he could have caught sexually that we can't either cure or manage so that his life does not change for the worse at all, including whatever he chooses to do for a living.
We see survivors of sexual violence every day, we won't make him do anything he doesn't want to do. We will be kind and understanding and we have so much experience of dealing with people in his situation I'm so glad he was able to talk to you, it makes the world of a difference to have someone who cares and believes you.

Original poster

Wot2do2 · 04/09/2021 23:15

@IDontLikeZombies

OP - hate to be the one to say it but he will need a full sexual health screening.

I work in sexual health. Please don't let him be scared of this. There's nothing he could have caught sexually that we can't either cure or manage so that his life does not change for the worse at all, including whatever he chooses to do for a living.
We see survivors of sexual violence every day, we won't make him do anything he doesn't want to do. We will be kind and understanding and we have so much experience of dealing with people in his situation I'm so glad he was able to talk to you, it makes the world of a difference to have someone who cares and believes you.

He has already been checked. Thank you so much for your post though.

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IDontLikeZombies · 04/09/2021 23:23

That's good news, OP.
I hope things get better for him. He's not alone in his experience. I've spoken to a sadly enormous number of people who have been where he is. They come from all walks of life but the one thing they have in common is their strength and dignity. The assailant thought they had taken that away from them but you can almost see it coming off my patients in waves. Your boy has you, both of you sound incredible.

Newchances · 04/09/2021 23:36

So sorry to hear this. He is lucky to have you as a mum to speak to about it openly and freely,never let this change.

I can understand his fear regarding the police and future jobs and have no advice other than prev posters regarding local organisations charities. I wish you and your son well

postcardfromme · 04/09/2021 23:39

Op not sure where you live but check out the lighthouse - they work with rape victims . They may be able to sign post you to a suitable service.
I am so sorry this has happened to your son x

C0cc1n3ll1da3 · 05/09/2021 06:48

Hi Wot2do2

This exact same thing has recently happened to my 17 year old son with an older man. He went to the sexual health clinic who were amazing. They urged him to report it but he just couldn’t. They referred him to Reach and SARC who have both been fantastic. He had to have a lot of meds ,vaccinations and tests at the clinic. All fine but that in itself has been useful. They really were great at how they handled everything and very thorough. Ds seems to have responded well to the support they’ve given.

Sadly I think some older men pray on young vulnerable teens.

Look after yourself. I’m just dropping you a PM.

Original poster

Wot2do2 · 05/09/2021 09:42

@C0cc1n3ll1da3

Hi Wot2do2

This exact same thing has recently happened to my 17 year old son with an older man. He went to the sexual health clinic who were amazing. They urged him to report it but he just couldn’t. They referred him to Reach and SARC who have both been fantastic. He had to have a lot of meds ,vaccinations and tests at the clinic. All fine but that in itself has been useful. They really were great at how they handled everything and very thorough. Ds seems to have responded well to the support they’ve given.

Sadly I think some older men pray on young vulnerable teens.

Look after yourself. I’m just dropping you a PM.

I'm sorry your son went through this as well. And yes I think the bloke did prey on him. I said 30s+ in my op but I'm quite sure he was closer to 40 I can't be 100% though I don't really want to ask ds. I know legally they can have sex from 16+ and ds is older than that. But the there is something not right about a mature bloke wanting to go with someone that young. Dirty shit would not have done it to someone older would he

I will check my pm .

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Original poster

Wot2do2 · 05/09/2021 15:43

Ds said he feels better for getting it out in the open and emailing samaritans. He said hes not sure if he wants actually wants a reply from them.

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Helmetbymidnight · 05/09/2021 15:49

The fact that your son is confiding in you is fantastic. I know many posters are saying that, but it really is. Some people bury these things for years. His openness will help him in the long-run.
I hope he gets all the help he needs. I would ask GP for any free counselling if possible.

Original poster

Wot2do2 · 05/09/2021 16:06

@Helmetbymidnight

The fact that your son is confiding in you is fantastic. I know many posters are saying that, but it really is. Some people bury these things for years. His openness will help him in the long-run. I hope he gets all the help he needs. I would ask GP for any free counselling if possible.

Thank you. I feel awful for what happend to him. But its definitely nice that he can talk to me so I must be doing something right.

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