In laws taking my celiac disease as a personal slight

[BillyJoe111]

I was diagnosed with celiac disease a few months ago.

I follow a low carb diet anyway so it’s not really what much of a change as I’ve not eaten pasta or bread in yonks, swapped out all the little things that contained gluten, so it’s been fine for me really.

PIL though think i’m on a fad diet. And they won’t listen to anything else dh tells them.

They are Italian and have taken it very personally that I won’t eat their food (pre covid times we didn’t live close to them and would I have a meal off low carb when we visited them and ate the food they cooked so as not to be rude).

Now we live very near them.

Dh told them that I couldn’t eat gluten anymore in preparation for when we go to their house to eat again, and they now think it’s because I don’t like their food.

It’s quite tough as well eating at other peoples houses as gluten is in a lot of things you don’t realise, like stock cubes, lots of sauces, so I would just take something of my own as I wouldn’t expect anyone else to navigate my dietary requirements for one meal.

This is further compounded by the fact that I am half Indian and like to cook a lot of Indian food, which is, apart form all the breads, fine for me to still eat (thank God!)

There was the comment of “oh so her food is fine, it’s ours that she won’t eat?”

Back story with Indian food is that they used to love it, until dh met me and then they decided they hated it and always had.

They also have an issue with the fact that we pay for private healthcare and this is how I was seen/diagnosed so fast (they only know this as dh had an issue that he had sorted out fast so told them about the healthcare cover).

So now, I also keep getting told that he probably wasn’t a real consultant and that he’s only diagnosed to make money from me and I can’t possibly have celiac as I don’t have symptoms. Which is true, I don’t get any physical symptoms - it’s a long story as to why he tested me and why was referred to him in the first place, but it’s all been confirmed with some horrible tests.

But obviously, gluten was causing issues inside my body and if i keep eating it, it will have long term health implications for me. I’m really quite strict so it’s not a case of just having one meal off - it’s all or nothing and it’s just become a way of life for me now.

Anyway they won’t let it go. Dh had repeated told them that this is how it is and to stop talking about it.

It’s ALL they talk about, ignoring them, changing the subject or telling them outright to stop doesn’t worked and it’s driving me nuts!

Some people really don’t like others having allergies

Especially the older generation. They seem to think “allergies didn’t exist in my day”

They did. The kids just died

Have you suggested dishes they cook that you can eat? Like telling them there is GF pasta and GF stock cubes etc

And why do you go back for more verbal abuse?
Send dh alone. He can tell them why. They care zero about being rude to you so stop being less than blunt back.

@Soubriquet

Some people really don’t like others having allergies

Especially the older generation. They seem to think “allergies didn’t exist in my day”

They did. The kids just died

Have you suggested dishes they cook that you can eat? Like telling them there is GF pasta and GF stock cubes etc

They won’t hear of it, dh tried. They think it’s a fad diet and that gluten free pasta/bread is just a diet food.

@Brollypackedforscottishholiday

And why do you go back for more verbal abuse? Send dh alone. He can tell them why. They care zero about being rude to you so stop being less than blunt back.

This is mainly directed at dh now.

It’s ruining his relationship with them which is horrible.

Don't eat at theirs

Then I agree with the above

Don’t bother going round there or they will intentionally serve you gluten whilst saying it’s GF and come out with “see. Told you it was a fad. You’ve had no reaction”

I am sorry you are experiencing all of this and from what you said, it seems to be undisguised racism.

I don't know the answer, but I hope you find a way to manage these interactions without causing harm to your self, physically or emotionally.

Just stop going.

DSis had atypical presentation and didn't have the damaged scilla expected. But the consultant signed her up to his list as her history was enough to convince him.

Unfortunately every GP she sees questions the diagnosis. She has friends who question the diagnosis. She has been fed gluten free dishes that have cross contamination because people don't believe her when she explains.

Fortunately she also has friends who go out of their way to find meals they can all share. Cafes and restaurants that take great care to provide her with safe meals, and me 🙂

You have to accept such people and decide, as soon as they show their true colours, that you will simply stop putting yourself in front of them.

Your DH can explain more, if he even wants to. Or he can just shrug and tell them they are being ridiculous, are causing a rift. Whatever he chooses.

I sympathise. I think the only hope is to educate them on what coeliac disease actually is and how serious it is, but it sounds as though this in itself will be an uphill battle.

All you can both do is stick to your guns and don't compromise. Coeliac disease isn't an allergy, as you know its a serious condition where even the tiniest amount of gluten ingested can cause permanent damage.

Don't back down, they'll have to get with program or face up to less time with you. Compromising to keep the peace will only reinforce their beliefs.

@Soubriquet

Then I agree with the above

Don’t bother going round there or they will intentionally serve you gluten whilst saying it’s GF and come out with “see. Told you it was a fad. You’ve had no reaction”

This is what their argument is, that they have seen me eat lots of pasta and I’ve been fine. They just won’t understand that is sometimes symptomless on the outside. It’s just me being fussy and hating their food to them.

@Ibizan

Can’t you just tell them you love Italian food, are DevastatedAndDistraught with the diagnosis and that you’ve cried knowing that you’ll never eat their Linguine Marinara again.

In other areas of your life are you quite “particular” liking things “just so” so that this could be perceived as part of a pattern of needing special treatment/handling with kid gloves?

Perhaps, in the spirit of repairing the relationship, you could acknowledge that food is how they show love, and you can understand their feelings. You can see why it could be perceived as rude/a slap in the face and that if circumstances were different you would of course eat their food (accept their hospitality).

No, I’m very easy going! I’m not hard work at all.

If anything it’s been the other way round - I’ve gone out of my way not to cook indian food for a while before their visits in the past as FIL says the smell makes him sick. I’ve done it as for whatever reason, I want dh parents to feel comfortable in our home.

@toomuchlaundry

Don't eat at theirs

This. I have celiac disease and DS has multiple allergies. I would not under any circumstances trust someone with this attitude to cook either of our foods

I would not give these miserable, racist idiots another second of my time. They are using this as a stick to beat you with. Tell your husband he is on his own dealing with these people.

Oh and I do love their food! MIL is an excellent cook. Dh made it clear that I was gutted I couldn’t eat it and that when we do go there again, I’ll just take my own as I don’t want them to have to buy special ingredients. I’ve helped in the kitchen many times and I know they use a lot of things I can no longer eat so it would be a massive pain for them to substitute items.

Tell dh to send them information to read... He needs to tell them to give him a ring when they are clued up...

They sound like hard work Op, sorry you and your DH have to put up with their ignorance.

Sounds like it's another reason not to like you, along with their poorly disguised racism. The main thing is you have the support of your DH, and he's got your back.

I'd try and rise above it and not go out of my way to meet up with them. Your DH will have to be the one to find a way to navigate their relationship, depending on what he thinks is possible. You just need to be supportive of each other which sounds like you are, & just become boring when it's discussed, like a broken record.

Is it that they think celiac disease isnt real or that you couldn't possibly have it.
My sister was diagnosed off just a rash and my aunt off headaches and ameia so you most definitely can have it without the classic GI symptoms.
Theres information on the celiac UK website that explain this if you could sign post them to a reputable source

But so what if it was that you didn’t enjoy pasta and gluten based food!! Who wants to serve food to a guest
That they don’t enjoy? It’s indicative of a dysfunctional state. For you it will be all about boundaries….

They sound like a couple of racist shits. Do not stop cooking your Indian food in your own home FGS.

I think in situations like this you have to be rude to get through to the other person, I’ve got a nut allergy, I didn’t find out until I was in my teens because I can’t stand the smell of nuts so I’d always avoided them, I only found out when I ate something that I didn’t know contained nuts. My mother in law has taken this as a personal insult and will often turn up at our house with bags of nuts or cakes with nuts in and make a huge fuss about how it’s such a shame I can’t have any and how much I’m missing out. When she starts either DH or I just say to her it’s not a shame, I wouldn’t eat whatever it is even if I wasn’t allergic and she should feel free to enjoy her snack herself and then walk away.

Dd has coeliac disease…..I am very cautious about who we allow to cook for her when visiting. My sil I do, her sister has allergies so she understands. My mil I wouldn’t in a million years even though she’s sympathetic and believes the diagnosis.

Dd gets terrible immediate and violent reaction and it isn’t worth the risk even from cross contamination (mil kitchen would be condemned in a hygiene inspection).

If I were you there is no way I’d eat at your in laws again. You might not get symptoms but internally it would affect your absorption of vitamins, etc and long term increases your risk of cancer.

I have some Italian heritage, and believe me, food is much more than nourishment, it is cultural, it means family, it is all tied up with those things. My mother once refused a second glass of red wine (made lovingly by grandad from his little grape arbor) and they were very upset.

There has always been an undertone of racism. I’ve name changed recently but I posted about them earlier this year and some comments.

So I pulled away from them, especially FIL. Dh dealt with it. Then this happened and the digs about “oh so she can eat Indian food but no our food” started coming and it’s something they have fixated on.

It’s all ruined their relationship with dh (and in turn the children), and it’s so sad.

There's no "undertone" of racism, just like you're not "a little bit pregnant." It's racism, full stop.

Your inlaws are racists and this is a perfect opportunity for them to deride you whilst being able to throw in negative comments about Indian food/your culture. Fuck these people. They are fucking horrible.