In laws taking my celiac disease as a personal slight

[BillyJoe111]

I was diagnosed with celiac disease a few months ago.

I follow a low carb diet anyway so it’s not really what much of a change as I’ve not eaten pasta or bread in yonks, swapped out all the little things that contained gluten, so it’s been fine for me really.

PIL though think i’m on a fad diet. And they won’t listen to anything else dh tells them.

They are Italian and have taken it very personally that I won’t eat their food (pre covid times we didn’t live close to them and would I have a meal off low carb when we visited them and ate the food they cooked so as not to be rude).

Now we live very near them.

Dh told them that I couldn’t eat gluten anymore in preparation for when we go to their house to eat again, and they now think it’s because I don’t like their food.

It’s quite tough as well eating at other peoples houses as gluten is in a lot of things you don’t realise, like stock cubes, lots of sauces, so I would just take something of my own as I wouldn’t expect anyone else to navigate my dietary requirements for one meal.

This is further compounded by the fact that I am half Indian and like to cook a lot of Indian food, which is, apart form all the breads, fine for me to still eat (thank God!)

There was the comment of “oh so her food is fine, it’s ours that she won’t eat?”

Back story with Indian food is that they used to love it, until dh met me and then they decided they hated it and always had.

They also have an issue with the fact that we pay for private healthcare and this is how I was seen/diagnosed so fast (they only know this as dh had an issue that he had sorted out fast so told them about the healthcare cover).

So now, I also keep getting told that he probably wasn’t a real consultant and that he’s only diagnosed to make money from me and I can’t possibly have celiac as I don’t have symptoms. Which is true, I don’t get any physical symptoms - it’s a long story as to why he tested me and why was referred to him in the first place, but it’s all been confirmed with some horrible tests.

But obviously, gluten was causing issues inside my body and if i keep eating it, it will have long term health implications for me. I’m really quite strict so it’s not a case of just having one meal off - it’s all or nothing and it’s just become a way of life for me now.

Anyway they won’t let it go. Dh had repeated told them that this is how it is and to stop talking about it.

It’s ALL they talk about, ignoring them, changing the subject or telling them outright to stop doesn’t worked and it’s driving me nuts!

You’ve tried to be reasonable. You have your DH’s support.

It seems your choice is either never toe at at their house. Go low contact. Re-educate them, again. Or throw your teddies out of the Pham and have a massive meltdown to make the point and then give them the choice of accepting it without judgement or saying goodbye, in very simple words and a very loud voice - short factual sentences with no pauses for them to interject.

Lots of people will act like this, as well as the ‘it’s only potatoes’ (chips fried in same oil as batter).
My SIL is ‘gluten free’ and they are always trying to get DD to eat stuff that’s contaminated, because ‘SIL is fine with it’. It’s things that would make coeliac DD very very unwell. SIL is self diagnosed and eats loads of gluten as is totally clueless as well.

I’m surprised as coeliac disease is well recognised in Italy so definitely sounds on purpose to be so clueless about it.

@BillyJoe111

There has always been an undertone of racism. I’ve name changed recently but I posted about them earlier this year and some comments.

So I pulled away from them, especially FIL. Dh dealt with it. Then this happened and the digs about “oh so she can eat Indian food but no our food” started coming and it’s something they have fixated on.

It’s all ruined their relationship with dh (and in turn the children), and it’s so sad.

If you don't wish your entire family to fall apart, then you need to handle this tactfully. Why do you think they are racist when they mention Indian food?

Have you tried telling them what delicious Italian food you CAN eat, and get them to make it for you??????

I'm so sorry, you are right it is racism, the comment about your food making FIL feel sick is outrageous. I would NEVER say that about food from someone else's culture even if I genuinely hated it.

Unfortunately many people think gluten free is a fad diet. My son has non coeliac gluten intolerance and I get many remarks. Unfortunately there are lots of people who go gluten free for reasons other than genuine illness or allergy and it makes some people think gluten intolerance isn't real. All you can do is ignore, hold your head high and enjoy your delicious Indian food! By the way you can make great Indian breads with chick pea flour.

If you don't wish your entire family to fall apart, then you need to handle this tactfully.

Give over. The op is not responsible for making her inlaws behave like decent human beings. The op told them she has celiac disease, how "tactful" does she need to be?

Take gf pasta round and lots of info sheets from Coeliacs uk or italy version.

If you wanted to patch it up then I'd invent an Italian doctor who is the leading expert and say that he (guessing a male doctor will go down better) is adamant you must avoid gluten.

Can your DH print off a load of info from the coeliac society website ? They might be able to take it in better if they read it in a more official form, and iirc it explains why you may not have obvious symptoms.
I have coeliac disease and this is a not uncommon response as like most of us I used to eat gluten with no obvious ill effects. My older relations don’t all understand it, or think it is an allergy. Or think maybe a little bit is fine...
If your in laws read all the information then they might at least understand what coeliac disease is.

And I agree with pps that taking them some (Italian) gluten free pasta etc might help too.

@Aquamarine1029

If you don't wish your entire family to fall apart, then you need to handle this tactfully.

Give over. The op is not responsible for making her inlaws behave like decent human beings. The op told them she has celiac disease, how "tactful" does she need to be?

Very easy to say, more challenging to do. Veiled racist family is still family. It's like a doctor/patient thing. Are racist cancer patients not worthy of being treated?!

Just eat well before going to their house and completely ignore all comments as if they were never uttered, no point in arguing. Your partner can talk to his parents but it's not your responsibility

It sounds like it might have nothing to do with what you do or dont eat and what you do or don’t cook. It sounds like they just dont like you (for whatever spurious reason..I am sure you are lovely) and therefore no logic or reasoned arguments / presenting of the facts will change anything.

Your DH might decide if he wants to tackle their dislike of you head on and have a big row/get it all out in the open or he might decide to just suffer in silence, or pull away and reduce contact to save himself. I would suggest you pull back from them and remove yourself from their drama / barbs

I have non- coeliac gluten intolerance. This is due in part to my autoimmune condition. I am in this no man's land that isn't coeliac disease, so people assume it's a fad. I can assure you if I have been glutened accidentally, I can spend days in my bed really unwell. You have my complete sympathy and understanding. One friend stopped meeting me for meals, as I think she felt it was a fuss about nothing. People do not realise you can take a food allergy or any type of allergy for that matter, at any time. I find Italian restaurants are actually one of the best for gluten-free, hence I am surprised by their attitude. Honestly, your health is more important. I think your husband needs to address this and take some information to them from Coeliac UK. Coeliac disease can run in families, are they going to behave like this with grandchildren with Coeliac ? Im not sure if you have children. Like yourself I take my own food, in the main no one minds. Im sorry you are going through this. For those who think it's a fad, no one in their right mind wants to live GF. I still hate all the inconvenience and the fact the only dessert you ever seem to get in a restaurant is chocolate brownie.

Veiled racist family is still family. It's like a doctor/patient thing. Are racist cancer patients not worthy of being treated?!

How anyone can compare a doctor treating a patient to a person being forced and/or encouraged to tolerate racist inlaws is beyond me. Being "family" doesn't give anyone a pass to be vile and abusive. Your standards for how you expect to be treated must be very low.

@Gothichouse40

I have non- coeliac gluten intolerance. This is due in part to my autoimmune condition. I am in this no man's land that isn't coeliac disease, so people assume it's a fad. I can assure you if I have been glutened accidentally, I can spend days in my bed really unwell. You have my complete sympathy and understanding. One friend stopped meeting me for meals, as I think she felt it was a fuss about nothing. People do not realise you can take a food allergy or any type of allergy for that matter, at any time. I find Italian restaurants are actually one of the best for gluten-free, hence I am surprised by their attitude. Honestly, your health is more important. I think your husband needs to address this and take some information to them from Coeliac UK. Coeliac disease can run in families, are they going to behave like this with grandchildren with Coeliac ? Im not sure if you have children. Like yourself I take my own food, in the main no one minds. Im sorry you are going through this. For those who think it's a fad, no one in their right mind wants to live GF. I still hate all the inconvenience and the fact the only dessert you ever seem to get in a restaurant is chocolate brownie.

Yes I do have children.

And our dr has suggested testing, well, trying eliminating gluten as my mum died of colon cancer at 40 (hence me seeing the consultant, I’m 41, I really should have been having colonoscopies before now with such a history).

I echo the don’t eat at their house, I’m allergic to cows milk and I’ve had cows milk given to me.

Some times I can tolerate cheesecake so I’m obviously faking it too 🙄

This is a them problem, not a you problem.

Can't directly solve your problem, but I was only diagnosed coeliac at 60 when clearly from the state of my teeth I have had it all my life. I am probably of you PIL's generation when the thing wasn't properly understood and so only the worst cases were picked up.

But in the circumstances, as they're his parents, DH should deal with it. Just decline politely to eat there for now.

While clearly not all doctors are right all the time, I do sometimes find myself surprised how people of my age with zero medical comprehension think they know more than doctors do,

* Back story with Indian food is that they used to love it, until dh met me and then they decided they hated it and always had.*

^Closet racists

@drpet49

* Back story with Indian food is that they used to love it, until dh met me and then they decided they hated it and always had.*

^Closet racists

It absolutely infuriates DH.

They used to get an Indian take away at least once a month while he was growing up, went to Indian restaurants. He’s
argued it to the death with them. They say he’s remembering wrong and it was Chinese food and they have always disliked Indian food.

So gaslighting their son too? Nice.

Ps I now want both italian and indian food ...

Dear me, that is awful. Your husband really needs to support you. It will be difficult if one of your children is ever diagnosed with it, although I hope not. Coeliac disease is serious. Your in-laws need your husband to take some information to them. Their behaviour is totally unacceptable. Im sorry you are being put through this. Needing to go GF is difficult enough. To be honest, if it gets really bad, tell your husband he can visit them alone. I am glad he is trying to fight your corner.

I went on holiday to Italy a few years ago & actually its relatively easy to get gluten free pasta in many places (yay! IBS)
I would take doing a meal for you as a challenge & ask you to send me a full list of what to avoid
I have in my cupboard lots of gf pasta from macaroni to lasagne sheets & everything between -you can get gf stock cubes Worcester sauce etc etc - Ignorance is no excuse

I'd never darken their doorstep again. And I'd be very cautious about letting my children go, too. Not just because they may pick up on their racism or nasty remarks about their mother, but can you imagine the nightmare if one of your children was diagnosed with CD?

If your DH chooses to continue to fight with them over this, fine let him. But I'd tell him that he's on his own, I'm tired of it. And that I don't want to hear anymore of their racist and frankly somewhat 'disablist' bullshit, either.

I know we Celiacs are not 'disabled' in the same sense as someone who is mobility-impaired or such, but they are still treating someone with a diagnosed medical condition shamefully. I don't expect someone to cater for my CD, but I won't tolerate comments about 'fad diets', 'imagined allergies' or 'hypochondria', all of which I've either overheard or had directed at me.

I’ve gone out of my way not to cook indian food for a while before their visits in the past as FIL says the smell makes him sick. I’ve done it as for whatever reason, I want dh parents to feel comfortable in our home

I'd be stopping that bloody nonsense for a start. Cook whatever the hell you want in your home. Why would you want them to feel welcome in your home when they have done nothing to make you feel welcome in their family? Your FIL is a lying, controlling, racist arsehole. Why would you want that attitude around your children. Grandparents dismissing their Indian heritage and food as disgusting and hated?

How horrible for you. Italy is a leader in testing for coeliac disease (if I’m right, children are routinely tested) and every good Italian restaurant in the UK I’ve eaten at in the last decade has been absolutely excellent about dealing with a coeliac diner because of this. Your in laws sound racist - I agree with other posters - but also completely backward about this very serious condition. Is it possible for your husband to track down some commentary from Italy about how coeliac is managed? It might help - it’s certainly not difficult these days to love Italian food whilst being coeliac. Until they show a massive turnaround in their attitude, I wouldn’t want to eat with them (or see them, actually) so I don’t think you should feel at all bad if you feel the same.