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Original poster

Why on mumsnet?

61 replies

Generalpost · 03/09/2021 12:32

Why on mums net is it as soon as they turn 18. Are there comments such as he/she is an adult? By law yes but it's not a flick of a switch is it? You could have an 18 year old that has matured more slowly and possible more like a 16 year old for example.

Then there's the 16+ year old . Why does he/she not have a job. They should be paying their way.

18+ year old: why are they still living at home . Why don't they have their own place.

There's probably more.

Is it just a mumsnet thing or do parents really think that young people should be them things Confused

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 03/09/2021 17:51

It's definitely a mumsnet thing as is also taking a huge percentage of their children's wage from their weekend job at pizza hut.

It gets a lot more sinister when the thread is basically about a worried parent of a young adult in a relationship with an older person or pregnant. You'll get loads of replies along the lines of:

"I had 3 dc by the time I was 21 and we all turned out fine."

Or

"Even if your daughter was to marry someone her own age and not 30 years older than her he still might die and leave her widowed."

Original poster
Generalpost · 03/09/2021 18:01

@TheVolturi

I wasnt an adult until at least mid twenties 😂
I struggle now 🤣
OP posts:
TheWeeDonkey · 03/09/2021 18:02

Oh God the responses parents get when they're worried about their teenager dating an adult can be terrible. It always amazes me and then you go onto Relationships and its full of women who've been with the same much older man since teens and only just realising how messed up the relationship is.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
LynetteScavo · 03/09/2021 18:53

The one that makes me scoff is "They're 16they can legally get married."

Well, not without parental consent, and I'm not about to consent to that.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 03/09/2021 19:53

Haha yes to the older relationships. It’s all fine when a poster is concerned about her 17yo dating a 35 yo with 4 kids to 4 different partners, she’s just being controlling and weird ! But when someone in the public eye is reported to have been texting someone 7 years younger than them they’re a potential predator

MrsPsmalls · 03/09/2021 20:30

I have never in my entire life met an 18 year old adult. They are still at school. Still wearing school uniforms. So not even allowed to choose their own trousers but people here advocate for them moving in with partners, having life changing surgery, choosing to take drugs. Well call me old fashioned but bollocks to that quite frankly.

isthismylifenow · 03/09/2021 20:40

I think the majority of the posters suggesting this, don't have older teen children.

So here in the real world, I have a 19 and a 22 year old living at home with me. Do I have a problem with it, no. Can they both earn a living to support themselves full yet, no. They are both in full time education and I am making the most of it while I can. They won't be living at home forever.

And my 19 year old is way more street wise than my 22 year old, so it's not something you can just put an age on.

And yes, when we were 19 and 20 many of us had moved out and rented a flat etc etc. But things are not quite the same anymore.

itsgettingwierd · 03/09/2021 21:54

@TheVolturi

I wasnt an adult until at least mid twenties 😂
You're a high achiever.

I was a mum by my mid 20's and now 40 and I'm still not sure I have this adulting lark sussed Grin

Sparklingbrook · 03/09/2021 21:57

I agree that I think it’s parents of toddlers that think like that probably. Like before you had a baby and said they weren’t going to sleep in your bed or have chocolate. Clueless. Grin

MissyB1 · 04/09/2021 06:45

@Sparklingbrook

I agree that I think it’s parents of toddlers that think like that probably. Like before you had a baby and said they weren’t going to sleep in your bed or have chocolate. Clueless. Grin
This. Until you have teens/ young adult dc, you really don’t understand it.
TheReluctantPhoenix · 04/09/2021 06:59

It’s not a MN thing.

The web means you hear opinions from different demographics to your own.

Most people exist within their own small section of society and their friends tend to share their values.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 04/09/2021 07:01

DD at 18 was definitely not an adult, but neither were DW and I. Then she had DGS at 21, and turned into a terrifying materfamilias. She comes to our house and marks observations about dust.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 04/09/2021 07:02

Makes, not marks. Also that should be italics, not bold.

Godwitz · 04/09/2021 07:03

I have older teenagers, my friends all have teenagers and 20 somethings, and they pretty much all still live at home

Yes - that's completely normal to me but on MN they are weird to be living at home. Unless it's their son who's studying for his MA or their daughter who's saving for a deposit, then it's ok.

They don't get that many young adults actually like their families and don't want to move into rented accommodation just yet.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 04/09/2021 07:07

And 18 year olds are adults.

Of course, if you bring them up to remain children until mid 20s, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

The ‘support’ many parents (and schools, especially some in the private sector) offer 16-18 year olds, whilst protecting them from the consequences of their own mistakes, also infantilises them.

It is a fine line between being a loving and supportive parent, and encouraging an unhealthy co-dependency, but too many don’t even think about drawing the line.

Antsinyourpanta · 04/09/2021 07:14

I'm not sure where all the 18 year olds or uni leavers are supposed to move to when renting is so expensive Confused

TheReluctantPhoenix · 04/09/2021 07:18

@Antsinyourpanta,

Uni leavers will certainly be better off than when they were at uni, assuming they are working.

And most uni students manage to rent something in uni terms. Far better for a parent to help with rent (as they did at uni) than keep a 21 year old at home.

Godwitz · 04/09/2021 07:24

And most uni students manage to rent something in uni terms. Far better for a parent to help with rent (as they did at uni) than keep a 21 year old at home

Why?

Givemethatknife · 04/09/2021 07:28

I don’t think you are fully adult at 18, but I think we prolong adolescence far too long right now - there is no switch as you say, but between 16 and 21 any parent should be making sure their child is moving actively towards adulthood. This should certainly involve having a PT job at 16 and leaving home by 18, unless there’s a reason that’s not possible (and obviously the latter can be hard). Babying young people for too long just leads to unadventurous timid adults IMO.

Antsinyourpanta · 04/09/2021 07:29

Some of my family have charged their DC rent but saved it in account for them to give back when they move out.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 04/09/2021 07:30

@Godwitz,

To help them develop into adults, which is immensely good for self esteem.

@Givemethatknife,

👏

Antsinyourpanta · 04/09/2021 07:34

This should certainly involve having a PT job at 16 and leaving home by 18, unless there’s a reason that’s not possible (and obviously the latter can be hard). Babying young people for too long just leads to unadventurous timid adults IMO.
At 18 though most will be at uni (so probably moved out but likely funded by parents or student loan) or in a first job which is very modestly paid.
It's possible to encourage independence even if living at home.
I moved out at 22 in a really low wage job but a) it was a different generation and nowhere near as expensive to rent and b) I barely went out.

ChequerBoard · 04/09/2021 09:37

@TheReluctantPhoenix @Givemethatknife
You do you. I'll be supporting my DC as they transition into adults, not opting to make their lives more difficult than it needs to be.

Why would you spend 18 years intruding, supporting and developing your DC and then fold your arms and tell they have to move out?

We actually like our DC, they are great company, nice people to be around and I hope they want to stay part of our lives for a while yet. DD18 is off to Uni next week but she knows her room here is hers when she wants it and that's the way it will stay.

ChequerBoard · 04/09/2021 09:39

No idea where intruding came from there?! Strike that out!

TheReluctantPhoenix · 04/09/2021 09:41

@ChequerBoard,

Intruding?

Freudian slip?

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