I am exhausted by my husband's obsessions

[CryptoWidow]

DH has always had something of an addictive personality. He becomes passionately obsessed by things, and it completely consumes him for a short period before burning out and something else eventually taking its place.

The obsessions have often been fairly benign, but intensive in terms of both time and money as usually a lot of kit is bought as this thing is definitely going to change his life and this is what he'll be doing from now on Off the top of my head there's been obsessions with pottery, coin collecting, rare books, cycling, climbing, butchery, photography, windsurfing, swimming and many many others.

However, his current one is cryptocurrency and NFTs, and he's gone down a complete rabbit hole which is making him unbearable. It's been ongoing for a couple of months now and I have literally heard about nothing else. Even conversations about what our kids are up to will be brought back to crypto, often by way of random tangent, and I certainly haven't had his full attention for a couple of months. He's also staying up to all hours to watch live videos on some new crypto thing in a different time zone or trying to get in on some new project, so he's also tired and vile.

Today he's in a foul mood because he's missed out on some NFT project he wanted in on and so he's stomping around like a moody teen. Don't even get me started on the money that's been sunk into to this.

I'm sure this will also burn itself out like all the other things but fucking hell, I'm fed up with the whole thing.

@lilmishap

What happens if you tell him to shut up about it? It does sound like ASD/ADHD but that doesn't really help you.

I am guilty of it and have lost friends through it, but it's a compulsion for me, I tend to think "if you're not interested in it I haven't explained it well enough and should try explaining it again", it's not because I don't give a shit about the other person. But I understand it seems that way.

OMG! This is what my DH does. If I'm not interested in something, he just keeps talking AT me about it anyway, in the hopes I will suddenly get interested, presumably.

I'm currently pushing to have him assessed for ADHD as it happens.

You suspect he may have autism/ADHD but he won't get a diagnosis. You've had to force him to see a therapist once a week just to be able to tolerate living with him. His obsessions are having a significant negative impact on you. You've tried explaining this to him but he won't listen...

Well, I'm not sure what to say other than to leave him. You don't seem compatible as a couple and it doesn't sound like he's meeting your needs at all.

He attends therapy because you've made him but it doesn't sound like he's actually going to change even if he's capable of changing.

I don’t know what to advise in regards to the obsessive personality but in order to make the spending issue of crypto less annoying, maybe you could both agree that he only uses the funds he’s already invested and not put any more in. He will probably have ‘made’ a profit and so should just use money from his crypto wallet or sell part/some of his NFT’s to reinvest. Who knows maybe in ten years this is the one obsession you might be glad of!

I would be very wary of the cryptocurrency stuff. My sister’s FIL lost 20 grand on crypto dealing. Basically his life savings.

Doing a course or buying equipment is annoying but I would be shutting down your DH’s latest obsession as it could wipe you out financially.

At the very least I would, in your shoes insist that any spending on his hobbies comes out of a separate account (new one maybe). Each each month your joint finances send an allowance to this account. That's his budget. It shouldn't be a different value to a monthly pot of money you have for your own interests/hobbies/activities.

Anything else is utterly selfish.

As others have said, it doesn't sound like much of a marriage and please consider what expectations of marriage you're giving your kids.

@alexdgr8

i couldn't live with someone like that. why did you choose him. is it worth it. are you a rescuer type. there is no balance in such a relationship. you sound like his mother.

Is that an elongated haiku?

Crypto can be a good investment but only if you know what you are doing. Not something to jump into on a whim!

butchery stands out as a particularly odd hobby to try your hand at. Unless you work in a butcher's shop/farm/abattoir (or are intending/considering it), I really cannot possibly see why anybody would ever want to do that

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll, I did a short butchery course as I had dreams of self sufficiency and being prepared in case of a zombie apocalypse 😉 Made sense to me 😁
P.S. love your username, I always sing it 😁

i couldn't live with someone like that.
why did you choose him.
is it worth it.
are you a rescuer type.
there is no balance in such a relationship.
you sound like his mother.

Is that an elongated haiku?

😂 @SpeckledlyHen

My husband takes on many different sporting activities and buys all the gear. If he has, say, a jacket or even a back pack for running, he needs totally different ones for cycling and every other sport. It drives me nuts!!!

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

I think I agree with just about all of the above - but butchery stands out as a particularly odd hobby to try your hand at. Unless you work in a butcher's shop/farm/abattoir (or are intending/considering it), I really cannot possibly see why anybody would ever want to do that.

Maybe I'm just too narrow-minded, but it sounds like the equivalent of becoming (and staying) Gas Safe registered when you have no desire at all to be a plumber/heating engineer or learning how to fully MoT a car when you're never wanting to work in a garage.

Our local butchers do courses for the average man (or woman) in the street. My husband and his best friend have done one - just a days course where they show you how to joint a chicken and deal with some other cuts. A should imagine a lot of foodies would be interested in this type of thing to be honest. The courses are always booked up well in advance (pre-covid) as I think a lot of people want to understand how to prepare and cook meat (a bit like we did before shrink wrapped supermarket offerings maybe?).

My ex-h was like this. The financial impact was huge. He regularly obsessed with "needing" things and had to have them. He turned up with expensive cars, once hid a 15k motorbike in the garage for months before I found out. I could go on and on and on. This even extended to wanting to be a parent. Got bored and discarded our son too.

Our son has diagnosed ASD/ADHD and is similarly obsessive (he's 10 and I am constantly reigning it in). I would bet my house my ex is too (although he is undiagnosed).

I honestly don't know what the answer is. Possibly therapy of some sort? It would require him to admit there is an issue though. I can honestly say that had ex not left for OW, this behaviour would have ended in divorce or bankruptcy eventually anyway. I couldn't cope and it was overwhelming. You have my utmost sympathy 💐

Tbh the butchery courses just teach people the things that a couple of hundred years ago everybody would have known - how to joint a chicken, how to slice up different meats. No weirder than doing a course on how to do basic diy or gardening. They’re useful skills to have.

@Squashpocket

I know everyone here loves a diagnosis, but he just sounds like a typical man to me. Is this not how they all are to some degree.

It really really isn't. Living with somebody like this is a full time job. It nearly destroyed me. It is also a very common ADHD trait. As I said in a previous post, my young son, who is diagnosed, is also like it. It's bloody hard.

@Fredoftheforest I'm like that with obsessions and interests but I'm aware of it. I tend to cycle through them faster these days too (sometimes return to old ones for a while). It has affected me a lot, i dont trust myself to stick at things long term which means i have not put a lot of time and money into developing a career. I'm a jack of all trades and can never narrow down my interests to choose a field to concentrate on, unlike some of my friends who are retaining happily in middle age for new careers. I'm jealous of their focus and determination.
I think i have ADHD (two of my DSs have diagnised ADHD).
I'm also very self concious when chasing to people as i dont want to bore them with my latest interest!
The plus side is i really enjoy learning a new skill or subject and i have really good craft skills, I'm off to a woodworking class tonight!

@Wbeezer, I'm exactly the same! Wish I could stick to one thing and become a master at it but I'm a dabbler. I've heard it called a "scanner" personality type; "a person with an unusually wide range of interests and curiosity in unrelated subjects, and a low tolerance for boredom". On the plus side it can be useful in social situations as I can usually find something to talk about with new people (more chance of having an interest in common!)

Hi! I see your post is from last year and I am currently experiencing the same with my husband and the nfts. Did he actually ever make any money from them? He keeps telling me he’s making business deals and we’re going to make money but so far we’ve only spent money and countless hours of him being a non present father and husband. I’m at my wits end.