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Original poster

I am exhausted by my husband's obsessions

67 replies

CryptoWidow · 01/09/2021 22:15

DH has always had something of an addictive personality. He becomes passionately obsessed by things, and it completely consumes him for a short period before burning out and something else eventually taking its place.

The obsessions have often been fairly benign, but intensive in terms of both time and money as usually a lot of kit is bought as this thing is definitely going to change his life and this is what he'll be doing from now on Off the top of my head there's been obsessions with pottery, coin collecting, rare books, cycling, climbing, butchery, photography, windsurfing, swimming and many many others.

However, his current one is cryptocurrency and NFTs, and he's gone down a complete rabbit hole which is making him unbearable. It's been ongoing for a couple of months now and I have literally heard about nothing else. Even conversations about what our kids are up to will be brought back to crypto, often by way of random tangent, and I certainly haven't had his full attention for a couple of months. He's also staying up to all hours to watch live videos on some new crypto thing in a different time zone or trying to get in on some new project, so he's also tired and vile.

Today he's in a foul mood because he's missed out on some NFT project he wanted in on and so he's stomping around like a moody teen. Don't even get me started on the money that's been sunk into to this.

I'm sure this will also burn itself out like all the other things but fucking hell, I'm fed up with the whole thing.

OP posts:

Poppydoppy18 · 01/09/2021 23:29

I have no advice but…
My DP is also ‘obsessed’ with crypto. Although I’m interested and involved in it as well, he basically talks about it most of the day, every day.
He actually just came into the bedroom to inform me how gutted he was that he didn’t get in on the new NFT (crypto) project that dropped tonight. I’m 99% sure it’s the same one as your husband wanted to get into

So yes, I don’t have any advice but I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone.

lilmishap · 01/09/2021 23:31

What happens if you tell him to shut up about it?
It does sound like ASD/ADHD but that doesn't really help you.

I am guilty of it and have lost friends through it, but it's a compulsion for me, I tend to think "if you're not interested in it I haven't explained it well enough and should try explaining it again", it's not because I don't give a shit about the other person. But I understand it seems that way.

Cherrysoup · 01/09/2021 23:33

Sounds just like a family member. Obsessive collecting of one thing, then another then coins, badges or rare stamps or something. Couldn’t keep a job, lost everything more than once, too proud/stubborn to stick with and work hard at one thing. Drove me nuts. We had to get rid of all the stuff, which of course lost us money.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Savings & investments

lilmishap · 01/09/2021 23:33

I also did get in on nft tonight.

ChippyTea16 · 01/09/2021 23:45

Sounds unbearable. What does he say about the previous hobbies he’s dropped? Does he acknowledge that he spends a lot of time/money on these and now has no interest? I’d really be urging him to seek help, and pointing out all the things he has been obsessed with if he refuses. Could he at least sell his other stuff to fund his new hobby (even if you don’t need the money?) might make him realise how many hobbies he actually gets through…

Larryyourwaiter · 01/09/2021 23:51

DH is like this. He goes from one obsession to another. Some he spends more money on than others.
The main issue is I find them all incredibly dull and refuse to engage with them. This does seem to annoy him but I’m too jaded to even pretend that they will last/it’s a genuine lifelong interest.

Goingbackto5oh5 · 02/09/2021 00:04

My DH is also like this, although his 'obsessions' tend to be with topics rather than physical things so fortunately it's not financially draining, but I totally feel for you because it is just mentally draining. I do also suspect DH is on the spectrum although he'd never agree to be assessed, though I have mentioned in the past that I suspect he's on the spectrum.
Do you have your own outlet to kind of numb it out? When DH starts on said topic I let my mind wander to my latest crochet project or something like that so I can find something I can focus on. I know it's hard when you have to balance the family life as well

LargeBouquet · 02/09/2021 00:13

Just tell him you’ve no interest whatsoever in his obsessions, and that he has to confine them to his free time and contribute fully to family life. Or in your shoes I’d be moving on.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 02/09/2021 00:19

I think I agree with just about all of the above - but butchery stands out as a particularly odd hobby to try your hand at. Unless you work in a butcher's shop/farm/abattoir (or are intending/considering it), I really cannot possibly see why anybody would ever want to do that.

Maybe I'm just too narrow-minded, but it sounds like the equivalent of becoming (and staying) Gas Safe registered when you have no desire at all to be a plumber/heating engineer or learning how to fully MoT a car when you're never wanting to work in a garage.

caringcarer · 02/09/2021 00:23

My ex brother in law was just like this. I saw how my dear sister suffered and her children suffered over the years. I have less patience and could not live like this. It nearly broke my sister. She has been so much happier since they divorced. The children are much more stable. Think carefully about what you and children actually gain from relationship. My nieces and nephews have a much better relationship with their Dad now his behaviour does not impact their lives.

Daisychainsandglitter · 02/09/2021 05:43

My DD is like this. It's very difficult to have a conversation with her about anything else other than her special interest. It's driving me mad. She has ASD.

HeartsAndClubs · 02/09/2021 05:50

So what if there’s a potential diagnosis. A condition doesn’t stop someone from being a selfish twat.

OP TBH if your dh needs once a week therapy just so that your marriage survives I would say your marriage is likely already over.

I wouldn’t stick this and would leave. Seriously.

BlackAlys · 02/09/2021 05:51

Id seriously start looking at your accounts and consider protecting as much family money as possible,

This has the potential of being the most expensive hobby he'll do.

SoundBar · 02/09/2021 09:18

It doesn't really follow though.

Current obsession
Spending time and money
Monopolizing all conversation back to current obsession
Impact and consequences are... ?

You're covering for him every time. You're not giving him consequences. You're not telling him flat out what the impact is of his behaviour. What the cost is to you and the DC. Money, time, attention, domestic chores not done, emotional labour expended..

Do you see what I mean? You're treating him like a child, protecting him from the consequences of his behaviour and not holding him accountable.

What would happen if you did hold him accountable? Not as a one off but every day, every little interaction, every little microtransaction of time, money, effort.

IceLace100 · 02/09/2021 09:25

Could you negotiate with him how much he can spend on crypto per week or per month?

Then he can't go over that.

I know some people disagree, but I think crypto obsession is pretty similar in some ways to gambling obsession. New cryptos are so speculative it is essentially gambling.

Aside from the irritation of him going on about it, you want to ensure your and your families financial future as a priority. Keep checking all accounts every day.

I know this is a lot for you, just a sample of the increased worry and emotional burden he is putting on you every day.

I wouldn't want to be with someone like this, but I know it's a personal choice.

IceLace100 · 02/09/2021 09:31

@lilmishap

What happens if you tell him to shut up about it? It does sound like ASD/ADHD but that doesn't really help you.

This is such an interesting insight into why people go on about stuff! Thanks for sharing!

The mindset of "if you're not interested in it then I haven't explained it well enough, and I'll do so again" had never ever occurred to me before!

Its amazing how self aware you are, and I'd assume that helps you stop doing it?

Fredoftheforest · 02/09/2021 09:40

I have this kind of personality - sudden obsessions that then fade quite abruptly.

But I put limits on it (in terms of time, money and energy) as I recognise that I have this pattern, and that I still have other responsibilities that must come first.

Is he willing/able to put reasonable limits on it? To put a toe in the water of a new hobby rather than jumping right in? For example my latest obsession was the Byzantine empire - when I found myself googling masters courses on it I realised I was getting carried away and decided to start small by buying one book. That obsession only lasted a couple of months, so good job I hadn’t signed up to a full-time course!

If he’s not willing to try and change this impulse then honestly I’d question what you’re getting out of the relationship. Imagine how peaceful life would be without needing to hear about this crap or see all the wasted stuff……

Original poster

CryptoWidow · 02/09/2021 11:55

@lilmishap

What happens if you tell him to shut up about it? It does sound like ASD/ADHD but that doesn't really help you.

This is largely what he says too! He just cannot fathom that we aren't all as fascinated by it as he is, so therefore he must not be explaining it properly.

Re the butchery phase. It started with him being given a butchery class thing as a Christmas present (not by me) and then became obsessive about the cuts and quality of meat we bought, endlessly talking our local butchers ear off, planning on buying whole pigs etc so we could make the most of it (didn't happen, I pointed out we had no where to store that amount of meat) It became quite dull but at least we ate well...

OP posts:

knittingaddict · 02/09/2021 12:33

@Squashpocket

I know everyone here loves a diagnosis, but he just sounds like a typical man to me. Is this not how they all are to some degree.

No, it's not.

knittingaddict · 02/09/2021 12:36

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

You can take courses in butchery skills. It's a bit niche, but not that odd.

TiredButDancing · 02/09/2021 12:39

I can't comment on the overall obsessiveness but with crypto I'd be making sure you've ring fenced funds for crypto and he can't touch other funds because while it can be extremely profitable, and there are a lot of people doing this professionally, it is also a bit like gambling in that people can find themselves unable to stop.

At a bigger level, anyone who insisted I had to be as interested in whatever he is interested in could never be someone I'd be married to. Ditto, if he's ditching family life for this he's just being a plonker and I'd have a huge issue with that.

gonnabeok · 02/09/2021 13:02

I lived with someone like this.it was exhausting. He recently found out he has ADHD. It was a relationship that completely drained me and I ended it not due to that but other issues too.

There will be no balance in your relationship until something changes!

Sparkletastic · 02/09/2021 13:15

It doesn't sound as if the once weekly therapy session is helping much.

Original poster

CryptoWidow · 02/09/2021 13:16

Any money he wants to spend on crypto/NFTs has to come out of his spends. Nothing comes out of our savings without prior agreement. So far he's breaking even but I'm holding that pretty lightly.

I guess I am largely just used to this aspect of his personality? I'm definitely finding this obsession harder than the others, mostly because I find it so ridiculous, like an internet version of tulip fever. He knows my view on it very well, but like a previous poster said, he seems to think if he talks about it more we'll all suddenly be as fascinated about it as he is...

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 02/09/2021 13:21

I do make him speak to a therapist weekly as a condition of our marriage (it was that or split) which has made him easier to live with.

But if he's obsessive to the point where nothing/nobody else matters then this is benign isn't it? Because if you can't have a normal, simple conversation then surely the communication aspects etc don't exist? So in essence him speaking to a therapist is just chucking more money at his hobbies.

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