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Original poster

If you have 3 or more children ...

40 replies

threethreethree · 31/08/2021 19:33

... how do you find time to give them each the attention they need?

We have a 1yo and a 3yo. We'd like another. We have considered all the potential issues usually mentioned in these threads. The only thing stopping us is, time.

Even with two kids, we barely manage to give them both the attention they need. It is hard to carve out one-to-one time on top of all the other things that are important in life. And that one-to-one time is so important to them, we really see the difference on the days when we manage it. Those are the times we enjoy most as parents too. With three kids, how could I ever find time to spend quality time with each child?

I'm just imagining the eldest needing time to reconnect with me after a long day in reception. The middle one having her world turned upside down by the arrival of a new baby. And me being stuck on the sofa with a cluster feeding baby, unable to be there for them.

The second issue is that it feels like a disaster every time I leave the house already. I'm a stay at home parent. So out with both kids every day. If we go to the playground, library, shop they are running off in different directions.

A typical incident this week: we went to the park. 1yo trying to run in front of the moving swings, so was holding her while she desperately tried to escape. 3yo starts clinging onto me because he fell on some stinging nettles and was inconsolable. Pram parked on far side of the large play area. l had to physically carry both of them (over 25kg) while they screamed and flailed. I don't see this happening to other parents, am I doing something wrong? What the hell do you do with one parent and three kids? How could I ever leave the house again?

Any thoughts/warnings/reassurance from more experienced parents welcome.

OP posts:
MooBoom · 31/08/2021 19:44

Very interested in this too… currently expecting my 3rd and haven’t even managed to give the two children I have enough attention on some days

GentlyGentlyOhDear · 31/08/2021 19:52

I have 3 and 4 year gaps between mine so it is easier to find time for each of them with the older ones being more independent, so the oldest often does the night time dog walk with me while DH puts the youngest to bed. I get a lot of one to one with the youngest when the older ones are at school, then my middle DC likes to chill with me watching TV or reading. He probably spends more 1-1 time with DH as they play football together.
It is hard though - especially if anyone is ill or the toddler is being particularly clingy. I don't think I would have enjoyed having three so much if I had close gaps as it is very full on with little ones!
What I would say though is that it is so lovely watching them muck in together and play with each other and do stuff as a little gang

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 31/08/2021 19:56

Honestly I wonder the same, just idly because I have zero intention of having a third. I think I would be a far better parent in many ways with only one because I struggle with the guilt of neglecting the needs of one while I tend to the other. But overall I think it’s better for them to have each other and have to wait for me once in a while! I genuinely think if I had three then the balance would be tipped such that my two existing children would be worse off in so many ways. I really struggle to see how anyone parents their children in the best way possible when their attention is divided three or more ways. It’s such a personal choice but I really think I would be constantly stressed and grumpy and failing to give any of the children the individual attention they need. But some parents seem to manage it effortlessly so maybe they’re just better parents than me Grin

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1 year olds 3 year olds Families Primary education
SpaceBethSmith · 31/08/2021 20:00

Mine are 13/10/5.

It’s fucking hard, even more as I’m a lone parent.

Youngest DC is asleep by 7:30pm, so I can spend time with my elder 2

Eldest finishes school at midday on a Friday, so I get a few hours just me and her (it’s also my day off).

Middle DC has ASD and is less bothered about 1-1 time but does require a lot of my energy in all other areas

OverTheRubicon · 31/08/2021 20:07

Single mother with 3 here. It gets easier to split attention with age (though other things get harder, like a fair split of finances and who gets driven to an extracurricular activity etc) and some kids are much easier than others. Two of mine have played together for hours ever since toddlerhood, with some squabbling but general good humour, but my other one not so much - which means that she gets plenty of one on one, but not the other two.

The reality though is that more kids will mean splitting of lots of things, in the hope that the happiness they bring and the support they (hopefully) give each other makes up for it.

In my experience, coming from a large family and knowing many more, anyone with certainly 4+ kids or 3+ with a small age gap is either giving the kids a LOT less attention or making their elder children do a ton of the childminding. They'll say no or claim their kids love it, but ask eldest daughters from large families how they spent their childhood...

All that said, I find 3 manageable most days and wonderful many days, and would never trade them - but if someone said I'd start over and wouldn't have the option of getting my 3 back (sob), then I'm not sure I'd recommend my younger self to have more than 2.

Hugsandsquishykisses · 31/08/2021 20:08

I have seven ranging from 24 down to 5! The first three were very close together in age, middle two are fostered (15 and 17) so haven’t had them since infancy and the youngest two are still fairly small and in a totally different stage of development from all older sibs. So I guess I managed by spacing them out! The oldest three were the trickiest as I had three in under three years their early childhood was more or less lost in a fog of perpetual tiredness.

Thelovelyflower · 31/08/2021 20:09

I think it's hard when they are little but easier when they are older. And they really do entertain each other a lot of the time. The closer age gap works for us because they all enjoy the same day trips etc. Sometimes two pair off so I can have alone time with one. I do remember it being pretty intense with a 0, 2 and 4 year old, especially going to the park... urgh. Much easier now they are all school age though.

Thelovelyflower · 31/08/2021 20:10

As they get older they need less help with things and are awake for longer so it's easier to find time individually with them. Plus, they go to different clubs and stuff so I don't always have all 3 of them in the house.

Couchpotato3 · 31/08/2021 20:14

I had my first two very close together and then had a bigger gap before the third.
DH and I would split them in different combinations so that everyone had some one-on-one time with Mum and Dad. We weren't particularly organised about it, but it seemed to work out OK. There were often things that the older two wanted to do that the little one couldn't, but that stage didn't last very long.
So much depends on the interests and personalities of the individual kids. Its entirely unpredictable! I think we were very lucky to have three kids who got on very well and liked similar things. Sometimes two of them had to sit it out in the car while I ferried the third one to an activity, but they always had plenty of books or toys and snacks to keep them going. A certain amount of chaos in inevitable, but as long as everyone is fed, watered, dressed and occupied, I think you can get away with it!
Good luck (Three is a magic number!)

underneaththeash · 31/08/2021 20:19

If you’re struggling with 2, don’t have a third yet. Wait a bit a d see what f you do have the space.

We have three, DC1 was difficult, Dc2 easy and we felt we had time and space for DD at the time we chose to conceive.

supersuds · 31/08/2021 20:23

I have three, currently 7,5 and very nearly three. DH and I also both work full time and eldest needs some extra support as she has some SEN issues.

I may be controversial but I think three can be easier than two, because if you have to pay more attention to one, the other has a playmate.

I also think you're in the eye of the storm, a 1 year old can't reliably be left / get on with anything, my nearly three year old can be left to play for 45 mins whilst I do homework with the older two.

I also think there is value in having them closer together, it means activities appeal to more of them for longer.

That said - and I recognise that this isn't for everyone - we have friends we see but outside of that we don't have any hobbies, do sports, go out regularly as a couple etc. It's work kids work kids bed.

Ragwort · 31/08/2021 20:29

I honestly don't know how you do it! I have an only DC and he takes up all my emotional energy ... and I do want time for my own hobbies, interests and just 'down time' ... so I made a deliberate decision to never have another Grin. ... and I'm not sure that it gets any easier ... my DS is 20 now !!

IncessantNameChanger · 31/08/2021 20:34

2 to 3 I found easy. 3 to 4 not so much. The thing for me is I have them spread over 10 years so I do have enough time for all of them. When they are young they normally are together and they was in bed when I had my long involved deep conversations with the teen. Lots of chatting one on one after school and and the school run when the youngest was in nursery. The older two each had clubs every week that I took them to and collected on their own. Not so easy if you have smaller age gaps. My youngest two have a smaller age gap and that was hard when they was younger

DozingDoughnut · 31/08/2021 20:35

Why do you want a 3rd if you find 2 a struggle?

I’m one of three. I would have liked more individual time with my parents growing up. I would definitely like more individual time with my parents now as an adult with a child myself (adult sibling with some additional issues means I don’t get that)

DoThePropeller · 31/08/2021 20:39

We have age gaps on the bigger side -
4+ years - which I think makes it a lot easier, different bedtimes, interests, clubs etc. I think it gives them a bit more room to be individuals and eliminates a lot of competition that you get with smaller gaps.

It does however mean I have a fairly big gap between eldest (13) and youngest (1)

IndecentCakes · 31/08/2021 20:40

My eldest two are adults, that's how!

Puffinhead · 31/08/2021 20:48

Contrary to the popular belief but I found it harder once the children got older and were all at school. Before that I found it ok. Do not underestimate the amount of emotional support they need as they grow up! I definitely feel more ‘stretched’ than I did when they were little.

Puffinhead · 31/08/2021 20:50

@OverTheRubicon

Single mother with 3 here. It gets easier to split attention with age (though other things get harder, like a fair split of finances and who gets driven to an extracurricular activity etc) and some kids are much easier than others. Two of mine have played together for hours ever since toddlerhood, with some squabbling but general good humour, but my other one not so much - which means that she gets plenty of one on one, but not the other two.

The reality though is that more kids will mean splitting of lots of things, in the hope that the happiness they bring and the support they (hopefully) give each other makes up for it.

In my experience, coming from a large family and knowing many more, anyone with certainly 4+ kids or 3+ with a small age gap is either giving the kids a LOT less attention or making their elder children do a ton of the childminding. They'll say no or claim their kids love it, but ask eldest daughters from large families how they spent their childhood...

All that said, I find 3 manageable most days and wonderful many days, and would never trade them - but if someone said I'd start over and wouldn't have the option of getting my 3 back (sob), then I'm not sure I'd recommend my younger self to have more than 2.

I agree that if I had my time again, I’d stop at having 2.
Thunderbolted · 31/08/2021 20:52

I can't comment from a parental perspective, but as one of 5 I can confirm that you won't be able to give each child enough attention. Anyone who says otherwise is deluding themselves. Most likely the older children will be neglected in favour of the younger ones.

Notdoingthis · 31/08/2021 21:51

I have three and can honestly say they are happy and thriving. I could never imagine life with fewer though. My dh and I are both one of four and we knew we wanted 3+.
The stressful moments you describe are just a small part of a big picture. They won't always be little. And it's an attitude. You need to learn to laugh at those moments. And the kids need to learn to wait, and to behave!
Mine are 7, 5 and 3. So at one stage I had 4, 2 and 0. It was brilliant. Honestly, they are so close and I am so grateful for them, and that they have each other.

Offerdecisionneeded · 31/08/2021 22:01

I have a 6 year old and my twins are 4 very soon. I find it really difficult and am always racked with guilt. The older one gets more 1-1 as she’s more needy generally and gets me or DH at bedtime for story 1-1. The poor twins get lumped together for a story most of the time. We do try our best to give 1-1 but it’s just not practical with work patterns. I wouldn’t change them for the world but I often think two would have been far easier!

HerRoyalRisesAgain · 31/08/2021 22:07

I have 3, they are 12, 7 and 6.

The little 2 amuse each other, and as DD was so young when DS2 she doesn't remember a time without him.

DS1 gets 1 on 1 time every Saturday as he refuses to see his dad, but the younger ones go.

Then I use appointments as an excuse for quality time with the others, for example, DD had a doctors appointment so we saw the GP then went and got lunch and an ice cream together while my mum had the boys

MotherOfCrocodiles · 31/08/2021 22:25

Well, 3 and 1 is a very challenging stage. Too young to play together so all the quality time is one on one ( when they are slightly older you can have good times playing with both). Also a lot of time needed just to keep them safe and prevent them destroying things. Plus you can't really leave one to play whilst you interact with the other.

You will have so much more available bandwidth in a year.

OhRene · 31/08/2021 22:38

Mine are 14F, 11F and 9M and I spend time with them just fine. More often than not one will be off doing something by them self so I'll be cramping the style of and hanging around with the other two. Then I'll go see what the other is up to.
Tonight I wandered into the girl's room shifted them apart and hopped on the bed between them so we could all sit watching some YouTube movie theme tune quizzes. (I won cos mums know everything, ya know!). Later I shouted for DS to get off to bed. I eventually left the girls to it and told DS to come into my bed cos dad's away on night shift. The boy and I had a good natter and now we're snuggled up going to sleep (once I put MN down)

It's basically the same but more boring crap when they're younger. Like watching bloody Balamory with one of them or oohing and aahing at whatever shape the other makes with playdoh.

No matter what, the time is there because you do find it,

Peanutbuttercupisyum · 31/08/2021 22:49

3 dc and one on the way! Age gap is less than 2 years between each.

Children don’t need the one to one thing you describe, I don’t think. I mean as they get older they love a good old chat with me, but mainly they just want to be with each other, doing their weird games together.

I think you are confusing the news for one to one time with the necessary practical supervision you need to give small children . But..they aren’t small for long! They don’t need to reconnect with you after school..tbh they never disconnect! They just come home and start playing and chatting at you. Having more that 2 teaches children patience and empathy and makes them independent. They also grow up more in a ‘child’s world’ I would say. They’d much rather be playing a make believe game with each other, or setting up a secret club etc etc, than hanging out one to one with me!