If you have 3 or more children ...

[threethreethree]

... how do you find time to give them each the attention they need?

We have a 1yo and a 3yo. We'd like another. We have considered all the potential issues usually mentioned in these threads. The only thing stopping us is, time.

Even with two kids, we barely manage to give them both the attention they need. It is hard to carve out one-to-one time on top of all the other things that are important in life. And that one-to-one time is so important to them, we really see the difference on the days when we manage it. Those are the times we enjoy most as parents too. With three kids, how could I ever find time to spend quality time with each child?

I'm just imagining the eldest needing time to reconnect with me after a long day in reception. The middle one having her world turned upside down by the arrival of a new baby. And me being stuck on the sofa with a cluster feeding baby, unable to be there for them.

The second issue is that it feels like a disaster every time I leave the house already. I'm a stay at home parent. So out with both kids every day. If we go to the playground, library, shop they are running off in different directions.

A typical incident this week: we went to the park. 1yo trying to run in front of the moving swings, so was holding her while she desperately tried to escape. 3yo starts clinging onto me because he fell on some stinging nettles and was inconsolable. Pram parked on far side of the large play area. l had to physically carry both of them (over 25kg) while they screamed and flailed. I don't see this happening to other parents, am I doing something wrong? What the hell do you do with one parent and three kids? How could I ever leave the house again?

Any thoughts/warnings/reassurance from more experienced parents welcome.

I look back and feel guilty that the youngest of my three boys did get more cuddles and attention than the other two. I can remember tucking my middle son into bed at the end of the day, and thinking "I have hardly spoken to this child all day...." Then I'd try to spend a bit more time with him, but it wasn't easy. It upsets me now to remember those times.

Because they are not carbon copies of each other.
And you split the time anyway if you have more than 1.
Only downside is i have 5.But the older 2 are adults.
So i have 3 at home,which means theres always 1 against 2.But you do what you have too.

I had 3 close together. I didnt spend as much time on them individually as I would have liked - but they seemed to have thrived anyway. Infact, it has made me ponder if they do need as much interaction as I always thought.

The youngest one had the least attention - he was just dragged around on afterschool activities (2 eldest were very sporty and were in national squads). He's 10 now and very easy going and relaxed.

The interaction they get between each other is lovely. But, I am lucky that they all mostly get on (touches wood)

The hard period when they are all running in different directions is short lived! My kids are 13, 10 and 7. Despite my permanent state of exhaustion, I wouldn't change it for the world. They love being with each other more than anything and the intense need they have for one-on-one is waning. Not in absolute terns, but compared to the ages that you currently have. It gets easier!

I have 3 (last one by accident) and to be honest, nearly all the families of 3 I know have the last one as an 'accident'.

From my experience and observation, all the families who seemed able to handle it well had grandparents who were able to give support eg with picking up and dropping off, babysitting etc. We had only very occasional and unreliable support from grandparents, and that made it pretty exhausting. I remember being so tired when my 3 were little that I would fantasise about getting an illness that would land me in hospital for weeks, just so I could rest!

That said, I think they have all done pretty well, they are aged 15-21 and are all likeable, reasonably happy humans.

Probably what's suffered most has been my career and stress levels - particularly as I also had to look after my parents' health while my DCs were going through the difficult teenage years. And while I was going through peri and menopause.

That said, I always said the biggest jump was from 1 to 2, rather than 2 to 3 children. Don't forget that as soon as your youngest is walking and talking, you'll barely see your two for dust as they will be so busy playing together. So a third is just another potential playmate, and additionally, your older two will be able to do a lot of the work you currently have to do, keeping the baby entertained. As nothing is more fascinating to a baby/toddler than whatever its older siblings are doing!

But I'd give serious thought to how much help you could get from family, how financially secure you are (3 kids are expensive) and how much impact it might have on your career and what you might feel about that. I think those are the bigger issues than time alone with each DC.

That said, I always said the biggest jump was from 1 to 2, rather than 2 to 3 children. Don't forget that as soon as your youngest is walking and talking, you'll barely see your two for dust as they will be so busy playing together. So a third is just another potential playmate, and additionally, your older two will be able to do a lot of the work you currently have to do, keeping the baby entertained. As nothing is more fascinating to a baby/toddler than whatever its older siblings are doing!

This can be true for some people, but absolutely not all. A big part of the reason that I went on to a third is that my older two have very little in common and despite being under 2 years apart, used to fight endlessly and with time have learnt to tolerate each other and have occasional friendly chats but don't enjoy the same activities at all. My youngest will play with the middle one and sometimes with the eldest, but it's by no means a guarantee. Similar with plenty of my friends.

I have four youngest are twins born when siblings were 4 and 2 and I'll be honest it was hard. I barely remember it because I was so very sleep deprived. Twins are 6 now and it's much easier doing 1 to1s but so tough when they are little.

I think three can be easier than two, because if you have to pay more attention to one, the other has a playmate

That was my experience too. The jump from one to two was harder.

I feel like three is ideal in some ways. It is too many kids to indulge. They learn independence and flexibility. They get good at entertaining each other and themselves. But it's not so many kids that you can't meet their emotional needs.

Mine are older and I'm constantly glad that we didn't stop at two. Having said that, the early years were brutal - we had no support at all - and my career has never recovered.

We have 6 between 5 and 16.
To be honest i don’t feel like i have struggled to give them attention (i have lots of struggles don’t get me wrong but ive never worried about this )

We do have a slightly different lifestyle from lots of people which helps but really wouldn’t be for everyone !

We home ed which gives us many more hours in the day and we also go to bed much later - so the kids dont have an early bedtime.

Regarding the feeding the baby, I used to read to the others or do jigsaws etc with them whilst feeding the baby.

I only have one so far so this is not coming from a place of experience

But could you wait until the two you have are older before having another?

I have 4 yr age gaps between my 4 dc which has worked for me.
My weekends can be a total mix of playing snakes and ladders with the youngest to sharing a beer with the oldest and throw in the mix a Disney film or similar 😂
Days out aren’t difficult despite the age gaps (biggest age gap 17 years) the down side is I will have been doing the school run for nearly 20years 😫 but the upside far outweighs that and I somehow manage to find individual time with all of them. I am strict about bedtimes though so maybe that helps?
I am a single mum working full time so we have to make the weekends count.
Wouldn’t change it for anything though 😀

I've only got 2 but 3yo and 1yo is definitely the hardest stage. In max 12/18 months they'll be able to play together. Everyone I know with a bigger age gap than 2 years had to wait much longer to get through the stage you're at now, where they are at wildly different levels.

This brought back memories of holding the baby while child one puked on the brand new sofa and child 2 banged their eye on the back of a little chair 😂😂😂

I promise you will all be ok. You will eternally feel guilty that you can't split yourself in 3 but that's a aren't thing!

For me, unlike pp, the jump from 2 to 3 was far harder than the jump from 1 to 2. This was because my DC2 was a good sleeper and a chilled out baby whereas DC3 was a terrible sleeper and a very determined strong willed toddler.

They're lovely now as pre teen / teens, but those early years were so hard. Don't do it OP!