Do I talk to my 13yo about weight?

[Seniorandjunior]

My 13yo DD has put on weight over the last year. For background, her Dad and I are fairly slim, healthy eating habits, I run a bit, H is fairly fit. It happened over covid. She is now 5’4 and 11 stone. I know this because she had an overnight sleep study in hospital. She has developed quite an amount of stretch marks. She has and has had idiopathic, very severe obstructive sleep apnoea since she was a baby. I know this means she may have a tendency to easier weight gain. The OSA is fairly well controlled, but this is variable. Otherwise a bright and healthy child.

I don’t want her weight continuing to rise. ‘Overweight teens make overweight adults’ haunts me. Yet I don’t want a child with eating ‘issues’.

Has anyone any advice for me? Do I talk to her? What do I say? She’s back at school and sports now so I’m hoping it will settle but what do I do. It’s quantities. We have v few ‘treats’ in the house. We make dinners from scratch (I always felt I was doing good) and they are decent packed-with-veg and not-much-fat dinners. She just likes food. What will I do. I know she doesn’t like it but I’m so reluctant to say something.

Has anyone any advice?

Is she snacking or eating outside the home? What about hidden sugars in drinks or ultra processed foods like biscuits?

Has she started her periods and so could this explain body fat changes or fatty deposits around her hips/thighs?

Does she play any sports? Would she take afew gym classes with you?

Rather than restrict anything maybe try some extra activities with her? Take her shopping for some new kit. Keep it positive. Do not mention weight gain.

It’s a really difficult one isn’t it.
I’m in a similar position with my 11 yr old DD.
I’ve always been Petite and was slim as a teenager but now as a 40 yr old am carrying a stone more than I should. Her dad is big, always has been.
She is currently definitely a bit squidgy round the middle. I’ve not weighed her but I suspect she is a bit over the healthy weight for her height.
I’ve said nothing to her but I’m so conscious of it and am determined to make some changes in the way we eat now the holidays are done.
She also just really likes food, eats healthy stuff and very adventurous with food but will eat too large portions if left to it.
I’m not sure what’s the best thing to do. I won’t be discussing with mine but she’s a bit younger. Do you feel she’s aware and bothered by it? That’s the point that I think I’d start a conversation and try and get her to come up with a plan.

I’d concentrate more on healthy exercise than food, could you see if she’d go running with you, or suggest a weekly swim?

You probably need to get rid of the few treats you have. I would go down to 0 unhealthy food in the house... also remember that some healthy food is also calorie dense and can lead to weight gain.

Make lower calorie dinners, skip the starch when you make dinner. Lots of veggies and meat (or other protein if you dont eat meat) rather than veggies, starch, meat.

When you make dinner just make 3 normal portions of your protein and make more of the veg side.. so if she is hungry and needs to eat more that means grabbing more veg not grabbing more meat.

What type of lunch and breakfast is she eating? What types of snack foods does she eat?

Does she eat outside the house a lot?

I would probably try to make some changes first and see how that goes for a couple weeks... if you notice her still finding a way to sneak in calories elsewhere then yeah you'll have to talk to her.

There will be some trolls along shortly to shame you, don't let them discourage you, you are trying to do the right thing.

No no no do not say anything.

Remove all snacks and just keep fruit and just enough food to get by on around the house.

Thanks Atalune. She did start her periods about 6 months ago and has deposited fat on hips and thighs. But there’s also a layer all over.

No, not really snacking outside home but clearly snacking at home. I cook and my dinners are not bad at all (don’t mean to sound smug) so she likes them. Also likes bread, and toast. I make a dessert on a Sunday and she does eat too much of it, but that’s a Sunday only. Not many biscuits, but yes the occasional digestive. No sugary drinks - They are the only thing that I ban from the house.

I’ve asked her to run with me but she won’t. She’s back at hockey now. And wants to start tennis lessons. I’ll try and get her to do some classes with me. Part of the problem is she used to do a lot of dancing and gymnastics and that stopped over covid, she hated the zoom classes. Now she’s too self conscious to return. I really feel for her, she loves clothes and fashion too.

@Seniorandjunior

Thanks Atalune. She did start her periods about 6 months ago and has deposited fat on hips and thighs. But there’s also a layer all over.

No, not really snacking outside home but clearly snacking at home. I cook and my dinners are not bad at all (don’t mean to sound smug) so she likes them. Also likes bread, and toast. I make a dessert on a Sunday and she does eat too much of it, but that’s a Sunday only. Not many biscuits, but yes the occasional digestive. No sugary drinks - They are the only thing that I ban from the house.

I’ve asked her to run with me but she won’t. She’s back at hockey now. And wants to start tennis lessons. I’ll try and get her to do some classes with me. Part of the problem is she used to do a lot of dancing and gymnastics and that stopped over covid, she hated the zoom classes. Now she’s too self conscious to return. I really feel for her, she loves clothes and fashion too.

Yeah I think you definitely need to make some food changes at home, while all of that may fit within a normal healthy diet, it's not really helping weight loss, especially if you're trying to be a little sneaky about it.

like @stripedbananas said, remove the desserts, snacks, biscuits, etc, replace with some fruit, veg to snack on. Make those changes i suggested like cutting most of the starch from your meals.

If she says something just say you're trying to make a few changes to be a little healthier.

You can slowly (or quickly) introduce those foods back when she is back down to a weight she is confident/comfortable/healthy at.

DON’T talk to her about it. She will be more than well aware of her own body, she’s living in it and dressing it every day. She knows she’s put on some weight.

Everyone knows that eating less and moving more is the answer, and as you’re already trying to keep her food healthy, just try and make sure she stays active once she’s back at school.

Drawing attention to it will make her feel stressed and uncomfortable and potentially more likely to comfort eat to deal with the stress of trying to diet etc and so the cycle begins.

Have a read of RebelFit on Facebook. He trains overweight adults and the focus is always on being healthy and fit, not about losing weight, as diets are counterproductive, most often being a short term fix that does long term damage.

Please don’t set her off on the path to weight watchers or slimming world. She’ll have a lifetime of yoyoing ahead of her!

My DD went from super skinny (which she hated) to thicker thighs, bum, boobs which she actually likes. I think this is due to hormones, growing up, periods etc. She does snack in her room but has a small appetite. I try and cook from scratch where I can but obvs they also eat pizza etc. I do one large shop a week and they know that once the very few snacks I buy are eaten then that's it for the week. She's a size 6 but a size 10 in Jeans. Her bum has got significantly bigger which she likes.

DS got man boobs a couple of years ago over the summer holidays from inertia but they went after a couple of weeks of walking to and from School again. He is naturally tall, with a slim athletic build.

I've found having no treats in the house only encourages bingeing and theft.
Atleast that's what I did when I grew up in a house where there were no options other than healthy food.

I would try to worry less about food and emphasis a lot more on exercise.

Cook together maybe, let her shop for foods she likes and go over a balanced diet and what foods do to her body, skin, hair, teeth rather than it makes you fat.

My DD put on this weight from 13 -14 so it's normal to have this extra layer of fat around their body I think esp as her waist and tummy are still slim and flat but her bum, boobs and thighs have increased significantly.

No, don’t speak to her about weight. But make subtle changes. Healthier snacks, meals that will keep her fuller for longer. I wouldn’t make meals that are low in calories - focus instead on nutrition so that she isn’t reaching for snacks half an hour later.

Personally I wouldn’t stop the Sunday pudding. It’s all about moderation. If you derive her completely she will just end up eating sugary stuff outside of the house anyway.

*deprive

Shitshop you've encapsulated exactly my worry - I don’t want a lifetime of yo-yo dieting. I will read RebelFit. What I’ve done to date is talk about healthy eating. She’s smart, she knows what I’m talking about. The current advice seems to be don’t talk about it but I am worried her weight will continue to increase.
Thanks everyone. I do feel responsible and am kicking myself for not noticing over covid. But I didn’t and that’s the fact. Shame on me. Here we are. I am right in the frontline and had to work. As did my H. I know I should know better so there’s no shaming me. I’m shamed already.

Breakfast is overnight oats which she loves, portion maybe too big. Occasionally a bagel and banana if not oats.
Lunch - tomorrow it’s chicken Caesar salad. Snacks for school are strawbs and an apple. Hummus and bread sticks. Lunch often a sandwich.
She had a slice of toast after school.
Dinner - tomorrow it’s chili. One quarter is meat, 3 quarters veg and then there’s the beans. I know the proportions because I made it and now I’m watching everything. That’ll do 2 dinners. Tonight was chickpea curry. Rice and naan. She just loves her food.
Snack this evening was a slice of toast.

Dammit. It’s all the bread isn’t it. And portion size.

I was overweight as a teenager and nothing but nothing anyone said or did changed that. In fact any attempts by my slim mother had the opposite effect (and she was very much on the gentle gentle side, certainly no diets etc).
My own son was definitely chubby, was very active but loved his carbs. Then he turned 13 and decided he didn't want to be that way and overhauled his eating and lost the weight.
What I cooked and kept in the house didn't change, he did (I have other children of normal weight).
So what I'm saying is it is up to your daughter to change and there's not much more for you than what you are already doing. Telling her that you think she should do X, Y Z may make her feel that even you, who should accept and love her no matter how she looks and be her safe place, finds her appearance unacceptable. Of course you don't feel this way, but she's a kid, and that may be what she hears.
You are supportive, giving her a good example, you are keeping and cooking healthy meals and you are active. Any changes needs to come from inside her.

She's back at one sports class and asking about doing another.

She generally eats healthy and she loves fashion.

All I would do is try and steer her away from the bread based snacking and when you do a Sunday dessert scale down the portions so she can't over indulge.

Give it a few months.

My DD was similar at 13...we'd had a really rough couple of years and she'd been comfort eating, but wanting to go shopping with her mates spurred her on and we also joined the gym together.

2020 saw everything go backwards, but she got back on the case of her own accord and has started healthy eating and working out. She's dropped 2-3 dress sizes.

I think the likelihood hood your DD will get there on her own so maybe give it a bit longer.

Thank you everyone. I appreciate the help and support.

Absolutely do not say anything to her. And don’t have zero unhealthy stuff 😔 Focus on finding active things she likes to do. Walking places instead of driving? Climbing, swimming, scooter?

So tricky

All I can say is I look back to my 13/14 yo self and wish my mum hadn’t spoken yo me about it and made me feel bad.

I was slightly overweight but it may have settled.

I started eating in secret and felt so ashamed.

She told me not to eat between meals
But I was starving after school and at break time. I tried, but got too hungry and binged on toast etc.

Obviously will never know if it would’ve become an issue anyway but her mentioning it and trying to help certainly didn’t help matters

It is the bread (starch) and portion size... when people are eating healthy foods those are always the 2 things that cause the weight gain... its good you know what it is, I think you will be able to figure this out because you understand what's going on....

but back to original question i do think everyone is right and you should make an effort without telling her first, and maybe just see what happens once she starts school again. If there hasnt been an improvement then you gotta say something but I'd make a good effort to try and do it covertly and see if school starting back up will make a difference... I'd do all that before i mentioned something and turned it into a thing.

I agree that taking away all 'treats' will just lead to her seeking the elsewhere. The occasional unhealthy food is fine as part of a healthy diet, which is what you want her to have. A very restrictive diet is no food long term. I'd carry on as you are with the occasional treat available.

I'd work on reducing carbs and replacing with more protein and veg where possible. Don't take the carbs away together, just change the percentages slightly.

Focus on exercise as part of a daily robie.utine i.e. not just a sport class once a week. Walk more, go for a swim/bike ride as a family, just encourage her to be on her feet. It doesn't have to be a sports class, if she's conscious of her weight.

And remember she's still growing upwards as well so if she doesn't gain any weight for a while she'll grow upwards and even out. She doesn't actually need to lose weight, just stay as she is until her height catches up.

Also you feeling ashamed about it isn't doing anyone any good.

She's overweight maybe but she is also so much more.

I was overweight as a teenager and nothing but nothing anyone said or did changed that. In fact any attempts by my slim mother had the opposite effect (and she was very much on the gentle gentle side, certainly no diets etc). That’s really useful to know. I really will have to watch myself and my words.

Minty that’s so great to hear! Gives me hope. Your DD has really turned it around.

'A very restrictive diet is no food long term.'

😂 I meant 'no good' obviously! Although no food at all would be restrictive!

Try getting as many vegetables into her as possible. Current thinking suggests it’s better to have fewer larger meals and cut right down on snacks. If those meals are made up of mostly vegetables then it’s much harder to consume a lot of calories and it’s the best thing anyone can do for their health regardless of weight.
Start by getting the entire family eating better. Don’t talk to her about it, she is far too young to take responsibility and it will only make her feel worse about herself and more likely to comfort eat.