I feel so bloody low like what's the point

[blackheartsgirl]

I honestly feel like ending it all and stopping the pain of losing dh.

I think I might have ptsd, I have flashbacks of his death, I feel very anxious. I cant visit places where he was or died without horrible feelings.

I'm not sleeping, the 9nly thing that works is a sleeping tablets which has given me, the nurse practitioner refuses to give them. But it's either i drink myself to death or I kill myself.
I've had promethazine prescribed. Its useless. Mirtazapine turned me into a raving monster.

I'm pissed off, my life is meaningless the only thing that gets me up is the kids. Yes I've been out, gone for walks, gone for lunch etc
But the dh shaped hole is there all the time.

My life is shit. Always has been. I had 3 beautiful blissful years with him 8 days married then fucking bastard cancer took him.i feel so low

Nobody has to reply..but I just need to vent

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Do you have anyone to talk to?

I lost my dh to cancer when I was young as well and the really shit pain does get better eventually. I know that's no consolation to you at the moment. The hole is always there, but you do find ways of living again, although you're forever changed. It's okay to get angry and despairing.

I am so sorry op

I do have a couple of friends but ones a bit flaky and ones very practical. The latter has been brilliant but I do have to give her space too, she has her own family.

I'm only 44, my youngest is 11. It feels like a freight train has hit our house and over night we've lost 2 people (my eldest has gone back to uni)

I feel like im teetering on the edge of an abyss

I'm sorry I'm not much help to you, it must be so hard.. but please fight through, you're children need you. You are obviously so very depressed.. can you speak someone today maybe a charity on the phone? Could you try different tablets? Xxx

Sorry to hear this OP. As well as your kids try and keep going for the sake of the 3 wonderful years you spent together

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare. We've moved the thread over to the Mental health section now.

Some further support links:

Cruse: Bereavement care and support
and here's the Cruse helpline number: 0808 808 1677
They also do online chat.

Macmillan Cancer Support: Coping with bereavement
The Macmillan helpline is on 0808 808 0000

The Loss Foundation does some great work too.

NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health

CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably

Very best wishes from MNHQ.

Oh honey I can feel the pain radiating from your post
How long has it been?
I have no meaningful advice for you but I just wanted to say you can always always rant and rage on here, there will always be someone here to listen to you, chat with you, lots of people sadly have experience with the practical side of losing their spouse far too soon if you need help. The internet can be a pain in the arse and yet when you’re feeling low and in a dark place it can be a godsend, something that keeps you ticking over until you’re ready to face the world again.
Sending so much love and strength to you and your children @blackheartsgirl x

I'm 7 weeks in.

I won't bother posting again as I guess I'm being annoying for my thread to be moved
I've reached out and got real life support. I don't why people have assumed I haven't?

I reached out in chat because I really need an ear, I don't know if this board gets the traffic.

I just needed an ear to listen not judge or solve my problems. That's the thing about grief it annoys people.

I have got in touch with cruse. I've been on the waiting list for weeks, I'm having councelling with the hospice tomorrow thats something

I don't know, I'm just angry with everything at the moment. Sorry for ranting

Please don't stop posting. MN are just being supportive and trying to point you in the right direction.

With bereavement, time is a great healer. You may not feel that strong right now but you are clearly putting yourself out there to receive the help you need.

Grief doesn't annoy people. People just don't know what to say and are scared of saying all the wrong things. I'm going through this right now with a best friend whose parent has terminal cancer. I feel so helpless and I cry with her but I feel like I'm not doing enough.

I'm happy to listen to you - so if you need a non judgemental ear, someone that doesn't know you and isn't in your situation, please feel free to PM me.
Sending you lots of love. Xx

I'm so sorry, it must be really truly shit. No wonder you feel angry at life right now. There's nothing I can say to make your pain go away but I am sending you all my love in the hope that it makes you feel slightly less alone.

MN are moving the post so it will get more attention from people who've had similar experiences

I've been the younger child in similar circumstances, in one year our household halved. Your children need you both at home and from afar. They are a very powerful purpose even if that can make it harder for you to work through your own feelings.

7 weeks is still so very, very early and it's still a stage where the reality is hitting.

I think of grief as like a wound and right now it's raw and hurting. Very gradually that mental wound will scab over, heal and leave a scar. It'll be there, but the pain will fade and it will take less of your attention. Sometimes it will hurt if you knock it (anniversaries, memories) but over time it fades to the background.

For now, get through one day at a time.
There are charities to provide support to people/ families in your position and that may help spread the load a little.

Your right about the reality setting in.

Evenings and early mornings are the worst

I have the same hole in my life; so my heart goes out to you. I understand your anger and frustration.

I hope the hospice counsellor will help. He/she will have experience of this.

I am so sorry that life has thrown this at you.

I'm so sorry x
Grief is visceral and it's such early days for you.
I found the book "you'll get over it: the rage of bereavement" by Virginia ironside really helpful.
It made me realise I wasn't going mad to feel such anger towards everyone and everything.

It does get different - don't want to say 'better ' at the moment as you might not be ready to hear that. Seven weeks in is tough and horrible, but it does change. You're entitled to your anger, but it is not entitled to you, to consume the rest of who you are. The 'stages' of grief are not ime linear, and the immediate future will be strange and difficult, but time does pass, and one day will feel bearable, and you will then feel guilty for that... At which point, remember that the man who loved you would rejoice at you being in less pain.
Glad you are in touch with groups who can support you. Tell your good friends what you need them to do or not to do.
.Take care of yourself. Be outdoors when you can. My condolences.

Please don’t stop posting.
Your grief is annoying nor bothering no one.
Keep ranting away.

I am so incredibly sorry OP :(

There are no words at all

Please tell us more about your DH

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my father 5 months ago, and I know it's not the same. It's huge and can't imagine how much worse losing your spouse is.

7 weeks is so early. Its so fresh and raw, but also those who supported you right at the beginning are likely to have gone back to their own lives now. So its lonely, and depressing, and unfair.

Just take it one day at a time. Be kind to yourself, what ever that means to you. Its okay to be in a dark place but just keep going. One foot in front of the other. Eventually the pain will dull and you will be able to treasure your memories.

Sending love ❤️

Thank you all. I hate myself, everyone gets on my nerves. I don't want to be on my own yet I don't want to be with people.

I feel like im letting my husband down by not getting stuff like admin stuff sorted

Literally everything is a painful reminder of the love we had and the future we've lost.

I feel rage at someone who keeps posting sickly sweet fb messages on his wall when she didn't know him like I did only in thier past from about 25 years ago, she did nothing but slag off the ward he was on and he couldn't stand her anyway
I miss him so so much

I am sorry you are missing him so much - it is right that you should, but your love really does not die. All that you had with him is part of you now.

The painful reminders are so hard I know.

Is there someone who can help you with the admin? - it is such a burden when you are feeling completely knocked out by what has happened, and it is hard to think straight. My brother helped me with some of the admin, and I appreciated that so much. You are not letting him down when you find this hard; it is hard.

I appreciate the feeling of wanting to be on your own, but also being lonely. It is because the one person you really want to be with is not there. The person that you could do nothing with - just be together; and no-one else fits that bill.

And it is difficult to know whether the company that does appear will truly understand how you are feeling.

At this moment you must prioritise what is right for you.

I hope your counselling appointment goes well.

You're not annoying anybody please don't think that xx

There is always somebody here to listen and people do care