Why is it not ok to have openly high expectations of DC

[Tigersteakpie]

Ok so I've been thinking about this all day and I'm still not sure about the psychology behind this.

We are in a grammar school area, not super competitive but you know. It's grammar school.

My eldest DS is about to go into y5. We have started some home tutoring over the summer (using an online 11+ prep thing) and from December onwards he'll be tutored 1:1 once a week as well.

Our DS is not a genius, he's probably slightly above average. But he works hard and has a good attitude. We are keen for him to go to grammar school if he can. We are not pushing it on him at all, but the grammar schools are significantly better than the comprehensives around here, so naturally we'd like him to go of possible.

I'd say that around 50% of his classmates are also being tutored either by parents/online things or by actual tutors.

But there seems to be this unspoken rule that it's NEVER EVER DISCUSSED. Not even if there are a group of say 3 of us together who all are in the same boat, tutoring and begining to prep to take the 11+.

It's almost like it's boastful to even say you are taking it? To admit that you'd hope your child might stand a chance? To admit that actually you would quite like your DC to do well if they can.

On the flip side he also plays a sport. He's pretty good and plays for a localish team that do quite well. There is a LOT of talk about how well the DC do at sports/musical things/extra curricular things.

I just don't get it. Is it just where I live? It's not even as if it's me talking about it loads so people openly avoid it. It's just never mentioned!!!

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/sep/02/schoolday-ill-never-forget-diane-abbott-passing-11-plus relevant article in the paper today.

www.politics.co.uk/reference/grammar-schools/ and a good potted history and some statistics.

I don't think it is the tutoring itself that is the issue, it's admitting that your child is bright enough to stand a chance at getting in.

But nobody is going to tell others they think their child might stand a chance of getting in if they pay somebody to tutor them for two years, as if that's something to celebrate, because it doesn't suggest the child is particularly bright.
Telling other parents you expect your child to get in, and won't require a tutor to do so, could come across as boastful/smug.

Telling other parents you expect your child to get in, and won't require a tutor to do so, could come across as boastful/smug.

But that's my point. People are allowed to say when their DCs have made it onto a team, or reached the finals of a competition. Children representing their county etc are praised and complimented by all. Saying your child is 5 book bands above the average for the year, or us doing maths lessons with the class 3 years above is boasting or smug.

Children representing their county etc are praised and complimented by all.

not true (speaking from observation, not 1st hand experience, of local high attainer footballers esp.)... there's resentment, jealousy, frowns, sulks from other parents & sometimes kids themselves. Look at how Tom Daly says he was bullied. I note the parents of kids who are high achieving at sport or music etc. are often pretty quiet about the specifics. It's very demanding as a parent to ferry them far away places every weekend & forego all holidays in order to fund child's passion. Sending your kids abroad at a young age or to residential training camps/schools for long periods is not an easy decision and not always supported. Not much energy left over for bragging. Plus you really don't know how things will work out long term. The places are so competitive, and injury or mental health crisis are real risks.