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Original poster

Once a cheat...

48 replies

Whenisenoughenough · 28/08/2021 08:59

I have been seeing a lovely man for almost 12 months now.
We have huge chemistry and our children get along well. I see my future with him and iv never felt like this with anyone.
My issue is I don't 100% trust him which is difficult as we live apart and he works away 😪 my marriage ended because my husband had an affair and his ended because he cheated on his wife,from what I understand, a lot with different women. Physical cheating and also sexting.

He insists that things are different with me. That his marriage was dead with no intimacy and that's why he cheated. That she was cold and not affectionate. He says he lives with the guilt of what he did everyday and hates he destroyed his family yet glad to be out of his marriage now. He would have never left her due to his children.
My gut just screams at me not to trust him but is it because iv been hurt in the past?
Also he is 45yrs old so not really young and immature. Can a man that age really change? Or once a cheater always a cheater?

OP posts:
BananaMilkshakeWithCream · 28/08/2021 09:02

Dump him and run. A cheat literally never changes. My ex-husband cheated on me several times. He had a serious girlfriend after me and he cheated on her and he’s with one now and they’ve split up several times due to him cheating. He’s in his forties now and is showing no signs of changing.

honehmooh · 28/08/2021 09:05

He isn't behaving responsibly in that respect, his reasons are excuses. What makes you think he will commit to you, when he didn't take his marriage seriously.

honehmooh · 28/08/2021 09:06

He will have promised his ex-wife the same things and more and look how that turned out

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IWantT0BreakFree · 28/08/2021 09:13

That his marriage was dead with no intimacy and that's why he cheated. That she was cold and not affectionate.

I would run, not walk, away from this one. These are weak excuses and not reasons to cheat. It’s standard cheat’s handbook: absolve yourself of all blame for your own choices and behaviour by placing responsibility for your actions on the wounded party. I am always amazed that there are still women who will lap this tired old rubbish up. He didn’t cheat because of anything his wife did. He cheated because he was weak, disloyal, had no respect for his wife and wasn’t invested enough in his marriage. He cheated because of faults in his own character, not hers. If he was unhappy and she was such a terrible spouse then he should have behaved like a grown up and ended the marriage properly. The fact that he is still blaming her for his own failures demonstrates clearly that he hasn’t changed and done anything to work on himself. He says he feels guilty but he is still happily blaming her.

I don’t necessarily think “once a cheat always a cheat”, but in this case I think it’s probably true.

LordOfTheThings · 28/08/2021 09:20

I just wouldn't trust him. No way.

IWantT0BreakFree · 28/08/2021 09:21

Also, why was his wife cold and withdrawing from intimacy? She just suddenly decided to switch off from the marriage? Nothing to do with his behaviour in other ways?

Seen it a million times. Husband is unsupportive/doesn’t pull his weight with house and kids/spends too much time away from home/is abusive or borderline abusive/takes work stress out on family/insert other harmful behaviour. Wife tries to address the obvious issues in the marriage but husband won’t change. Wife eventually emotionally withdraws to protect herself. Husband feels entitled to shag someone else because “wife is so cold and never wants to have sex with me anymore and it’s all her fault I am now forced to have an affair”.

You’ll never know what actually went on in his first marriage, but you can have a good guess from the pathetically textbook excuses he is giving.

lachy · 28/08/2021 09:25

He insists that things are different with me. That his marriage was dead with no intimacy and that's why he cheated. That she was cold and not affectionate.

It never ceases to amaze me how often this is used as an excuse for an affair.

Rather than admit he wasn't happy in his marriage and was looking for the thrill of the chase, he has, in effect blamed his ex wife for his actions.

Cold and not affectionate? Realised he was a selfish arse who wasn't prepared to work at a marriage more like.

There are a million reasons why marriages end, and the only people who know the truth are those in the marriage.

I wouldn't risk my sanity and self esteem on a man like this.

kazza446 · 28/08/2021 09:30

My ex-h cheated on me. I thought we had the perfect marriage. His father had been a serial cheater on his mum too, which he ironically despised in his father. We separated 20 years ago after I found out about his infidelity, but stayed in touch. He has had a few long term relationships over the years but never settled down, cheating on most of his girlfriends. I don’t think he can help it. He chases something that can’t be sustained. I feel sorry for him. Personally I would run for the hills. My ex was magnanimous and charming, he swept me off my feet and I knew within 48 hours he was the one I would marry. He was romantic to the end. I think that’s a trait that pulls you in.

Original poster
Whenisenoughenough · 28/08/2021 09:42

@kazza446

My ex-h cheated on me. I thought we had the perfect marriage. His father had been a serial cheater on his mum too, which he ironically despised in his father. We separated 20 years ago after I found out about his infidelity, but stayed in touch. He has had a few long term relationships over the years but never settled down, cheating on most of his girlfriends. I don’t think he can help it. He chases something that can’t be sustained. I feel sorry for him. Personally I would run for the hills. My ex was magnanimous and charming, he swept me off my feet and I knew within 48 hours he was the one I would marry. He was romantic to the end. I think that’s a trait that pulls you in.
This is what I fear, that he simply cannot help but cheat. It's not like he just had one affair he cheated many times. It's a shame because I could see myself with this man for life 😪 I'm 34 with 2kids, I don't have time for these games. Thanks for all the advice xx
OP posts:
kazza446 · 28/08/2021 09:53

@Whenisenoughenough, it’s a difficult call isn’t it? I hope you find happiness in which ever decision you make.

IWantT0BreakFree · 28/08/2021 10:24

With kids involved? Absolutely no way. There are lots of other men out there who aren't serial cheats. Don't risk your happiness and the wellbeing of your children on a bloke like this.

Outbutnotoutout · 28/08/2021 10:28

I was married 30 yrs, it wasn't brilliant, we weren't a partnership and I ended up being a cheater.

I'm now in an amazing relationship we share everything, I feel loved, I feel secure, I would never cheat on my partner ever...

We have promised to be honest and if the relationship isn't good either make changes or leave, no cheating.

I think people can change, in the right circumstances

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 28/08/2021 10:37

@IWantT0BreakFree

With kids involved? Absolutely no way. There are lots of other men out there who aren't serial cheats. Don't risk your happiness and the wellbeing of your children on a bloke like this.
This. You don’t trust him for a very good reason. I do believe someone can cheat once and it doesn’t necessarily make them a bag person - life and relationships are complicated, sometimes people make mistakes and learn from them. But a serial cheat, in a marriage with kids, who is trotting out tired old cliches to minimise and play it down....absolutely no way!! If you stay with him then do it with your eyes open and keep your kids well away from him because it won’t end well.
SmileyClare · 28/08/2021 10:47

He cannot help but cheat

Well no, it's a conscious decision. Usually a man will justify his behaviour because he has an ingrained disrespect for women and a huge sense of entitlement. He will excuse his actions in his head by putting shifting the blame.

He's not taking responsibility for his cheating even now. He's telling you he would never have left his marriage (if his wife hadn't found out) what the fuck? He thought that was ok.
That's a clear message to you about where his values lie

Original poster
Whenisenoughenough · 28/08/2021 10:51

@IWantT0BreakFree

With kids involved? Absolutely no way. There are lots of other men out there who aren't serial cheats. Don't risk your happiness and the wellbeing of your children on a bloke like this.
Thank you! Probably what I needed to hear. It's just so difficult to end it as he hasn't cheated on me 😔 that I know of anyway, but the trust isn't there.
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 28/08/2021 10:55

He's only sorry that he upset his kids - he's not ashamed or regretful of his actions which means he likely wouldn't hesitate to cheat again if his 'needs' weren't being met.

I'd walk away.

Original poster
Whenisenoughenough · 28/08/2021 10:58

He says he wouldn't have left her because he believes staying with her for their young children was best.
I have questioned him about if he has actually taken responsibility for his actions and learnt from his mistakes. He just tells me his past isn't a reflection of who he is now and in this relationship. He says I need to look to the future and let him earn my trust.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 28/08/2021 11:00

@Whenisenoughenough that means no, he hasn't learned from his mistakes!

JeSuisPrest · 28/08/2021 11:04

He's telling you loud and clear that sex and intimacy is the bedrock of any relationship (for him). I've no doubt he will be very loyal to you whilst you are in the honeymoon phase. Spending time apart due to work and childcare commitments, and then can't get enough of each other when you do see each other, it's very exciting and a high that is difficult to recreate when you are living together and the drudgery of every day life is thrown into the mix.

What will happen if/when you say you're too tired for sex/not feeling well/just not in the mood? Is he going to start looking elsewhere or are you going to be reluctant to turn him down for fear of being called cold and unaffectionate? Have you ever had a period of time spent with him where you've not been intimate and he's been OK with that?

Original poster
Whenisenoughenough · 28/08/2021 11:23

@JeSuisPrest this is a hood point. The entire time we have been seeing eachother I have never said no to sex, because i love being with him as much as he does. He has mentioned once, in a joking way, that im wifey material but that I better not be trapping him with sex then once we are married I stop putting out. We both laughed so I assumed it was a joke. We both have high sex drives but u do know I can't sustain this if we live together. As the sex can go all night. Very hard to function at work.

OP posts:
spotcheck · 28/08/2021 11:27

Everyone can make a mistake, but it is what you do after which is important.

He cheated, and instead of being horrified, and it being a wake up call, he cheated again, and again. And came up with 'reasons' to justify it.

The worst thing about being cheated on is that you sometimes start to doubt yourself.

OP, you don't have to put all your faith and energy in learning how to trust someone else. The important thing is to learn to trust yourself, trust your instincts when something tells you things aren't right.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 28/08/2021 11:33

[quote Whenisenoughenough]@JeSuisPrest this is a hood point. The entire time we have been seeing eachother I have never said no to sex, because i love being with him as much as he does. He has mentioned once, in a joking way, that im wifey material but that I better not be trapping him with sex then once we are married I stop putting out. We both laughed so I assumed it was a joke. We both have high sex drives but u do know I can't sustain this if we live together. As the sex can go all night. Very hard to function at work.[/quote]
This is a huge red flag and you know it, OP. It's not a woman's responsibility to keep a man by "putting out", and it's a slippery slope to emotional blackmail, sex by coercion, and worse. It also shows he hasn't changed and he genuinely believes there's an acceptable level of sex in a relationship, below which his moral code tells him he can go outside the relationship to have his needs met without guilt. He's telling you he'd do this to you just like he did to his wife.

His claim that he'd never have left her is not the wonderful selfless claim he clearly thinks it is. It means he'd still happily go to great lengths to hide his betrayal and have the sex he feels he is entitled to. He'd rather allow his wife to live in complete ignorance of his infidelity than commit to her and honour his vows. He's vile. Please listen to what he's saying and run a mile.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/08/2021 11:45

If we was unhappy he should have ended things, there’s never ever a good reason to cheat.
I’d not date someone who had cheated, not just because they may do it again but because we wouldn’t share the same morals and that’s important to me.

IWantT0BreakFree · 28/08/2021 11:57

He has mentioned once, in a joking way, that im wifey material but that I better not be trapping him with sex then once we are married I stop putting out. We both laughed so I assumed it was a joke.

Yeah....a man with his history making comments like that isn't really joking. He hasn't learned a damn thing and you'd be a fool to continue with this relationship when he's chucking out red flags left and right.

OhWhyNot · 28/08/2021 12:00

There are some who only change when their are less options

You already know he cheated on his wife a number of times

What more do you need to know to understand what sort of person he is

You won’t change him maybe he is worth it (doubt it as you obviously unsettled now)