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Original poster

Once a cheat...

48 replies

Whenisenoughenough · 28/08/2021 08:59

I have been seeing a lovely man for almost 12 months now.
We have huge chemistry and our children get along well. I see my future with him and iv never felt like this with anyone.
My issue is I don't 100% trust him which is difficult as we live apart and he works away 😪 my marriage ended because my husband had an affair and his ended because he cheated on his wife,from what I understand, a lot with different women. Physical cheating and also sexting.

He insists that things are different with me. That his marriage was dead with no intimacy and that's why he cheated. That she was cold and not affectionate. He says he lives with the guilt of what he did everyday and hates he destroyed his family yet glad to be out of his marriage now. He would have never left her due to his children.
My gut just screams at me not to trust him but is it because iv been hurt in the past?
Also he is 45yrs old so not really young and immature. Can a man that age really change? Or once a cheater always a cheater?

OP posts:

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 28/08/2021 12:01

Honestly OP he sounds more and more grim with every update. That’s the kind of joke a 19 year old might make, not a middle aged man. Imagine you have a nasty bout of flu for a couple of weeks. You’ll spend the whole time wondering who he’s out shagging as he’s made it clear with his ‘jokes’ that it’s your duty as his woman to shag him around the clock to make sure his eye doesn’t wander. Honestly OP, give yourself a shake.

aSofaNearYou · 28/08/2021 12:14

I don't think once a cheat always a cheat, but it wasn't once, it was lots of times. I would also say, someone who was genuinely repentant about these actions probably wouldn't make jokes about you trying to trap him into lack of sex. That strongly suggests his mentality hasn't changed much and he doesn't fully appreciate what was wrong about his actions, and isn't as repentant as he says he is.

opinionminion · 28/08/2021 12:21

Run

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Cuddlemuffin · 28/08/2021 12:31

I don't think that 'once a cheat always a cheat' is always the case but it depends heavily on how much that person is committed to taking responsibility for their past actions and there own self improvement. If you do real9 want to pursue this relationship long term the. I suggest you go for couples counseling to iron out all of the issues you have between you. His commitment to this will speak volumes (if he's not interested at all despite hearing your reasons the I'd let him go) and once you've had some counseling and all cards are on the table you'll be in a better place to make this decision xx

Cuddlemuffin · 28/08/2021 12:31

*their not there

Original poster

Whenisenoughenough · 28/08/2021 13:13

Wow thank you for all the responses. Maybe not what I was hoping to hear but I guess what I expected to hear.
He is an extremly charming man and very much knows what to say to me.
Thank you for all the advice.

OP posts:

SemiFeralDalek · 28/08/2021 13:45

Was his infidelity discovered by his wife and she instigated the split? He says he'd never have left her because of the children but the more likely explanation is his life at home suited him just fine, and he chose to seek out other women to have sex with because he is selfish and self serving. He was happy to lie to her face and put her health at risk, he'll likely do the same to you.

If you don't live together and he works away I'd be wondering if he already had other women either on the go or on a back burner.

Bouledeneige · 28/08/2021 14:07

My XH was a cheat. He had one affair and was starting on the next one when I found out and the house of cards collapsed. He begged to stay but he broke my heart and I lost all respect for him. I ended it. His father cheated for 35 years - XH saw how it broke his mother's heart and then he did it to me. Our DC were 7 and 5.

He now says the reason he did it was he fell out of love with me. But really he was on a pedestal in his profession and wanted the attention of acolytes. I'd like to think he learned something from it that makes him a better person after seeing all the suffering he caused but I very much doubt it - he's not strong on integrity. But as he's nearing 60 maybe he won't have the same energy for such enterprises? And maybe his bee partner whose been married twice before is a realist. I don't care.

Funnily though I think I would date someone who had cheated themselves in their marriage. In fact I have done. Though I'd never have a relationship with a married man. But I'd very much trust my gut on their character and how they reflected on it, have they learned from it and taken responsibility - have they suffered? I'd listen carefully to what they said and their respectfulness towards the mother of their children. Anyone who uses excuses about sex and being trapped by its lack of supply wouldn't be my kind of man.

But marriage is very challenging - the expectation that one person will suit you for the rest of your life, when you will grow and change and develop as people is a tough ask. Relationships are very up and down and none us can really know the truth about what really goes on behind closed doors. Affairs are often a symptom of deeper issues, loss of intimacy, communications problems, growing apart, the pressures of work and bringing up young families. So I'd never be black and white on it but I would trust my gut and listen carefully.

Original poster

Whenisenoughenough · 28/08/2021 14:16

@SemiFeralDalek yes his wife went through his phone. She left and he begged her not to for many months. I actually dont think she knows the extent of his cheating and how long it went on.
About putting her health at risk and potentially mine i have brought this up with him and how it concerns me. I did get an std test recently as I became somewhat paranoid. He tells me I'm being silly.

@Bouledeneige thank you. You make some good points. I have a lot to think.about

OP posts:

Yellowbowlbanana · 28/08/2021 14:24

My friend's ex could be your dp. He cheated on her but told everyone who would listen that their marriage was dead and lacking intimacy. The reality is he was a spineless shit who lacked any respect for her. He is still with his girlfriend now and I am pretty sure that she will have been fed the same story as you despite the fact that his wife had literally no idea there was any problem.

Sure people can change but only when they recognise that they have behaved badly in the first place and it sounds like he hasn't. I couldn't respect someone like that.

cheeseisnice · 28/08/2021 14:53

I really feel for you because you've obviously fallen for this man and ending it will be hard, but I think you have to. Not just for your sake, but your children's too. You're still young and have time to find someone who is trustworthy.

In my experience people like him don't change, no. You either have a moral compass and would never hurt those you love, or you have no qualms about putting your own needs and wants above all else. He's been a prolific cheat in the past, he will do it again. Just as soon as he feels entitled to do so.

MrsPsmalls · 28/08/2021 16:16

I really don't think older cheaters change. Lots of teens cheat, probably lots of 20s too. But if you are still at it over 30 then I don't think it's a trait he's going to outgrow. It's part of his personality now and you are uneasy for good reason.

Original poster

Whenisenoughenough · 07/09/2021 07:13

So just an update. Found out a few days ago that he was infact still seeing two other women while we have been together. One was early on but the other he has been sexting out entire relationship and he decided to end it with her last Tuesday when he realised what a fool he has been.
He has been a crying, begging mess asking me to give him another chance. Not going to happen, I'm done. I suspect that he is also having it on with someone he works with while he is away but he won't admit to that.
Anyway now I get the joys of another std test thanks to the bastard.
Thanks for all the advice ladies.
Broken heart but a good lesson learnt.

OP posts:

TomAllenWife · 07/09/2021 07:19

There are some terrible replies on here OP.

From my point of view, I have always been a serial cheater, every relationship, including my marriage, I'm not proud of it and I don't tell people.

When I got with DP we both admitted we had previously cheated.

Our relationship is very different, mutually respectful, kind, loving and I 100% know I would never cheat on him.
I trust him 100%

So I think the 'once a cheat, always a cheat' is unfair

ILoveANameChange · 07/09/2021 07:26

...always a cheat.

Sorry.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 07/09/2021 07:27

I think if he was cheating on ex girlfriends when he was a very young man/ teen I wouldn’t necessarily think that means he would be a cheat forever.
The fact he cheated in a committed marriage with children instead of communicating with his spouse and attempting to work through it would make me run a mile.
Sure, he’s saying it’s different with you. But that’s only right now. What if you get ill? Have a newborn together? Go through a tough emotional time and the intimacy drops off for a while?
The fact that he justifies his cheating is even worse.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 07/09/2021 07:29

@Whenisenoughenough

So just an update. Found out a few days ago that he was infact still seeing two other women while we have been together. One was early on but the other he has been sexting out entire relationship and he decided to end it with her last Tuesday when he realised what a fool he has been. He has been a crying, begging mess asking me to give him another chance. Not going to happen, I'm done. I suspect that he is also having it on with someone he works with while he is away but he won't admit to that. Anyway now I get the joys of another std test thanks to the bastard. Thanks for all the advice ladies. Broken heart but a good lesson learnt.

Oh this is such a sad development. I’m so sorry he’s done this to you. You’re better off without him. Stay strong xxx

TomAllenWife · 07/09/2021 07:31

Sorry OP I hadn't seen your update
Hope you're ok

CrumpetsForAll · 07/09/2021 07:44

Well done for listening to your instincts OP- you clearly knew something was up. Hope you’re ok.

I was coming on to say my Exh cheated and is still with the woman. While I don’t necessarily hold with once a cheat always a cheat I’m not sure as I know from mutual social contacts he trots out the whole ‘wife was distant and in affectionate’ without the helpful context ‘we had a new baby and my wife’s father died very suddenly, I grew bored of her grieving after 6 months’

SmileyClare · 07/09/2021 08:09

Oh Lordy. I'm so sorry Op, what an arsehole

Canii · 07/09/2021 08:30

Run.
So he gave you lots of excuses for cheating on his ex, and promises he won’t do it again because you’re “different”. Well, life happens and sometimes people get in a rut in relationships, that’s normal.
What’s not normal is his predisposition to cheating on his partner because he’s not happy instead of addressing the issues which are making him unhappy. It says a lot about his character.

Canii · 07/09/2021 08:31

Sorry just saw update. What a knob

FireworkParrot · 07/09/2021 08:55

I'm so sorry OP, at least you know that your gut instinct was right and can run for the hills.

For what it's worth, I believe that someone can make a mistake, cheat once and immediately regret it and not do it again but I do believe that if a person has cheated many times it's a fundamental personality flaw and they won't change. They're just not strong enough to do the right thing and actually end it when a relationship isn't working. My ex was a serial cheat, like a PP his DF had cheated on his DM and that was the reason for their divorce which he always blamed his DF for but then he was at it himself. Sorry, but I really believe that serial cheating shows incredible weakness of character.

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