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Original poster

Is it alright to give children a choice

41 replies

crumble82 · 26/08/2021 13:36

My DH has been criticising me all week for giving the DC (4 and 8) too much choice around what they eat. For breakfast I’ll usually ask if they want toast or cereal. Lunch is sometimes a choice between two things, ie sandwich or wrap and dinner is whatever I’ve cooked for the whole family. He reckons they should have whatever they’re given whereas I’d rather give them a degree of autonomy and know that they’ll eat it. What do other people do? Am I really spoiling them?

OP posts:
NavigatingAdolescence · 26/08/2021 13:37

Nope.

Yellow85 · 26/08/2021 13:39

Nope, my kids get a choice of cereal in the morning or offered toast. They then get a choice between 2 dishes at school lunch. Then have whatever I’ve arranged for dinner.

I think the difficulty comes in giving them too many things to choose between rather than giving them an element of choice between 2 things.

Betsythecheshirecat · 26/08/2021 13:39

I think your approach is fine. It's not like you're giving them two choices for dinner and having to make two meals after all.

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PaperMonster · 26/08/2021 13:39

Of course you should give them a choice! I can’t understand why you wouldn’t.

Iggyplop · 26/08/2021 13:40

Of course not, your the one feeding them and in the log run it's less waste.

ArrrMeHearties · 26/08/2021 13:40

I ask my ds what would he like for breakfast eg toast or cereal, lunch is a cheese sandwich as that's what he likes and dinner ill give a couple of options but he generally eats what I do except if its a curry as he doesn't like them. My dm gives me a row for giving him options as he should eat what he is given which to a degree I agree with but its still nice to let them have a say

randomusernameagain · 26/08/2021 13:40

Yes it's okay! Sandwich or wrap makes no difference to fillings etc, just the form. Would probably help with them finishing their meals and learning to choose food they like. It doesn't sound like they're dictating the meals, just choosing from what's available and it's not hardship to make a sandwich or a wrap?

BaronessBomburst · 26/08/2021 13:40

How does that impact on DH in any way?
It's perfectly normal to give children a choice and it's not spoiling them at all.

Tinkerbellfluffyboots79 · 26/08/2021 13:42

My 11 year old struggles with choice so he just gets given what I know he likes the other kids get a this or that but dinner is what I’m making. They don’t get to tell me what they eat we do talk about it and make suggestions for future meals that’s it

FunnysInLaJardin · 26/08/2021 13:42

That is exactly what I do!

CaptainPicardsToupee · 26/08/2021 13:43

Of course it's fine. They are people. Would he like to live his life with zero autonomy? Children should be given agency over their own lives wherever we can give it to them. That's how you create independent, confident and assertive children.

ZZGirl · 26/08/2021 13:43

Children should be offered a choice, just not too much choice. A choice between two things is absolutely fine.

Original poster
crumble82 · 26/08/2021 13:43

If I’m cooking something for me and DH that I know they don’t like then I’ll give them something different, but sometimes I fancy food that’s a bit different and youngest DC is fairly fussy. I agree with a pp though, there is less food waste if I’m giving them something they want.

OP posts:
Bancha · 26/08/2021 13:44

Part of raising children to be independent adults is to help them learn how to make choices. If you don’t start with little choices then how are they ever going to learn to cope with bigger issues?

I find attitudes towards children like this so weird. Children are human beings. What other category of human being would never have any choice of what food they eat?? Imagine if he said the same thing about an older relative! It’s really bizarre.

orangejuicer · 26/08/2021 13:45

Just tell him to piss off and carry on as you are.

Sorry Grin

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 26/08/2021 13:46

Mine are 8&10 and for the last 18 months (since Lockdown 1) breakfast and lunch have become 'self serve'... ill help as required, but there is a range of suitable foods available. They make their own packed lunches with supervision for school.

Breakfast there are cereals, toast, waffles/croissants/pancakes (not all available all the time!), fruit, yoghurt and eggs.

Lunch is various sandwich fillings, bread/wraps/crackers, salad items, fruit, sometimes crisps or mini biscuits or a bit of cake after the proper food.

Dinner.. its take it or leave it but they help make meal plan.

Original poster
crumble82 · 26/08/2021 13:50

I’m so glad to hear I’m not creating a pair of divas. It’s been constant criticism this week and I feel like he’s holding me to impossible standards.

OP posts:
idontlikealdi · 26/08/2021 13:50

Why should they not have autonomy over something like food. If you were giving them a menu with ten choices on it he may have a point, otherwise just carry on.

Like@Aroundtheworldin80moves mine have been making their own breakfast / lunch and packed lunches since they were about 9. We have a selection of things they can chose from.

MamaBearThius · 26/08/2021 13:52

I get quite sneaky with offering choices to my 5 year old
"Would you like carrots or brocolli as your veg tonight?". She feels empowered and eats all of her food. I'm a firm believer in respecting children though which isn't as common as you'd like to think

Heyha · 26/08/2021 13:52

Giving two similar, equally easy and palatable choices is a whole world away from spoiling them!
Ours is quite a bit younger but even so 'peanut butter or marmite on your toast?' has saved many toddler meltdowns by allowing just enough control and choice for the child. You're still driving what they're having but as PP said it makes no difference to you if they have the cheese between bread or in a wrap, they're still eating the thing that you've planned. But they think they've had a choice, everyone wins.

Does your DP choose what flavour yoghurt they should have, too?

TartanJumper · 26/08/2021 13:55

Of course it's not wrong to give them choices!
Children need to know that they have a voice and choices in their lives, and are not just passive bystanders.

Whatwouldscullydo · 26/08/2021 13:55

Do you want cereal or toast... fine.

Where to go out for another families birthday or what car to get....not so much

I think your fine.

Unless your kid takes the piss, in which case shove a bowl of cereal in front of them and say eat it or go to school hungry i don't care Grin

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 26/08/2021 13:55

Partly why I went nc with my dm 20 years ago...

dreamingbohemian · 26/08/2021 13:56

@crumble82

I’m so glad to hear I’m not creating a pair of divas. It’s been constant criticism this week and I feel like he’s holding me to impossible standards.
Is he always this much of a jerk?

Seriously, what's wrong with him?

TartanJumper · 26/08/2021 13:57

@Whatwouldscullydo

Do you want cereal or toast... fine.

Where to go out for another families birthday or what car to get....not so much

I think your fine.

Unless your kid takes the piss, in which case shove a bowl of cereal in front of them and say eat it or go to school hungry i don't care Grin

There was a book I read as a child where the dad told a boy who was refusing to eat "Eat it or wear it" and then dumped it over his head Shock

(Don't do that to your kids, folks, that post just reminded me of it!)

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