Empty nest syndrome, how to rebuild your life after the last one flew the nest?

[ThatMortgageDilemma]

That's it really, DS is leaving for University in two weeks and I'm already feeling the symptoms.

First of all, as many other women, I have a life, a boyfriend, a hobby, a job that leaves me with no energy to volunteer in my free time and nice friends. The problem is, with DS leaving, a lot of the pillars that sustain my routines and days, make no sense anymore:

• I have a nice house in a great location, my forever house, I thought. But with DS gone, it is simply too big for me and difficult to maintain but, I pay so little in mortgage that downsizing would be more expensive than staying put.

• I don't feel passionate about my job. It keeps me busy and pays well but it is quite grey... not much social interaction either as it is based at home.

• I am not from this country, I had to stay here after divorce as my exh wouldn't allow DS to move abroad, so I always thought that once DS went to uni, I would rent the house and go back home or traveling. I can do that now, but I have lost my interest in traveling and have nothing to go back to at my home country now.

• The hobby... I'm getting a bit bored of it.

• The boyfriend? He is wonderful, lovely, available in all the sense of the word, and very good company. He has similar interests to mine and similar dreams but his kids are still a good many years to go to university so at this time, although his kids do not live with him, it is out of the question for him to move out of the area (I totally agree with him, I would be the first to judge him if he reduced contact with his kids).

• The friends are lovely, but as everyone, they are busy with their own lives and families so we only see them sporadically.

I feel I am totally in limbo, have no energy or interest in doing new things... how do I snap out of this? Am I just depressed because DS is leaving?

If you have felt like this after the kids fly the nest/got retired, I would love to hear how you managed it.

If you are not, but are in the same situation, come and join me, I would totally understand how you are feeling.

DH and I were talking about this last night - we're not there yet, but with a 14 & 16 YO, it's not far away. We were discussing in the context of maybe getting a dog - his point being it would help fill a bit of a gap. My counter was when the kids have finished school, we can do all those city break, jetting off on cheap holidays that have been on hold for 20 years (not so compatible with a dog!!). So that's my plan.

We've got a large garden, so I guess we'll be gardening more too, both have good jobs - I currently work 4 days, but not sure I'd want to go FT, and although I've got stepping up in my role in the back of my mind, I'm also quite comfortable at my level, and love my job, so although I'm capable of doing more, I'm not sure I want to.

I like to read, exercise, go for long walks wit friends, and hopefully all of that will continue. TBH, now they're teenagers (and particularly in the holidays when they seem to just disappear for hours in their rooms), my life isn't as 'disrupted' by their needs as when they were younger, so I guess I'm already doing a lot of the stuff that I hope to do when they're gone - I'm not particularly looking for time fillers...(yet)

What I noticed is that by the time they get to 16 they spend so much time minding their own business that you can do about yours with hardly any disruption. In fact, you may start begging them to spend more time with you

But still, the day and week is arranged around their needs and that goes from the cooking routine to ensuring they don't burn the house down while you are out. It seems like the caring part of my life is disappearing. I pity my poor dog, what the hell is she going to do with so much attention from me? She already gets so much interaction that she is learning to speak...

I’m feeling a lot like you @ThatMortgageDilemma 😢 My only child officially lives with me still haha but he spends so much time at his girlfriend’s house that I feel as though he’s moved out. He’s 18 so it was always to be expected but it seems that over the last 3 months, since they got together, the house has gone from loud to much quieter. It’s almost as though the lack of his presence echoes around the place. We also only see DSS every two weeks as we live 100 miles away so it’s just me and DH most of the time. It’s a strange transition for us and I sympathise.

A couple of years til DD goes but I'm not looking forward to it. She brings such energy to our home.

OP - could you change jobs, one that offers more social interaction?

And maybe get a second dog to spread the love

DD solved the empty nest for us by producing DGS very much earlier than anyone expected. So we have a small boy to keep us young and wear us out.

I’m a totally empty nester and soon to be divorced so a double whammy. Today has been my epiphany that I have to pull my finger out and get a life. Instead of thinking of this as empty nest, more into the 3rd phase. 4th phase residential home and complete loss of independence. This gives me the impetus to get a wiggle on. I started reading a book about loneliness. Thankfully realise I am not lonely. Simply feel disconnected and rudderless. I have a hobby that I will make more challenging. I read a thread about change and a poster said it about building upon the layer already there.

@BananaMilkshakeWithCream, I feel your pain, mine doesn't have a girlfiend but he is always out with his friends, so in some way I have been slowly getting used to the empty house and the lack of interaction.

I think him leaving to go to university a bit far away is what have me feeling like this... it feels as if I am losing him as I know him and the idea of only hearing from him once a week if I am lucky is worrying me sick. If he is a bit like me or his dad, we will only see him on Christmas from now on, so it is the permanency of his leaving which makes it feel so sad. (I know with these days' accommodation prices, he might come back to live at home when he finishes university)

@Godwits, I'm looking into changing jobs. It is quite comfortable and liberating to be able to work from anywhere, it also does help to have the security of a good income coming in at the end of the month, but the monotony is killing me.

Yes I feel you my only son has one more year at boarding school then he’s off to uni it really hit me this week jeez what am I going to do I feel paralysed by choice. I have bought a horse I’m going to do more with him my job is meh I’ve always been self employed now I’m salaried I wanted to travel but that’s hard now my home is lovely area lovely loads of friends single by choice. I’ve had one friend die of MND last month and another is dying too so that support has weighed heavy on me. I just feel lacking in energy and passion 😪

@16purplecolour16. That's quite a lot of change in a single year! I hope you manage both transitions well. In my case, I had a six months after the split that I defined as "the mourning of the routines and what was going to be" ( or better said of the shock you go through when you split no matter how long you have seen it coming or how much you wanted it..) but once out of it it was amazing.

I am not going to say it has been easy being divorced, because it definitely hasn't, but I totally rebuilt myself and my life and these years have been the happiest time of my life, I hope it is the same for you.

Now, losing DS to university it is a bit like losing the anchor that keeps my routines in order and give me something to look forward to at the end of the day. I have a good number of friends but when everybody is busy with their families and other commitments, seeing one or two a week still makes for a lonely time... I guess that's what I need to be looking into, increasing my circle of friends... at this time I feel like I would like to run away and start afresh somewhere else, but I don't have a clue where.

@Parsley1234

Yes I feel you my only son has one more year at boarding school then he’s off to uni it really hit me this week jeez what am I going to do I feel paralysed by choice. I have bought a horse I’m going to do more with him my job is meh I’ve always been self employed now I’m salaried I wanted to travel but that’s hard now my home is lovely area lovely loads of friends single by choice. I’ve had one friend die of MND last month and another is dying too so that support has weighed heavy on me. I just feel lacking in energy and passion 😪

Yes, it is the lacking of energy and passion that is the problem, sometimes I wonder if I am just getting old or I am just too tired to rebuild everything again.

@ThatMortgageDilemma yes I’ve been put on HRT my joints were hurting and I am yet to get that eureka moment that I feel like me again.
This year has been harsh.
I lost 3 businesses home schooling was hideous GCSE cohort I ended a 9 year relationship and reheated the soup with an ex whom I thought was forever he was then diagnosed with young onset dementia we did finish amicably he needed to be near family.
My sons dad relapsed after 20 years and ended up with a blood clot and we are still great friends. My one best friend was diagnosed with MND she is dying slowly incredibly distressed as she is fully aware of what is happening my other good friend died last month of MND.
I feel battered my lovely horse is a joy but I’m commuting 3 hrs a day so time is short with him and im eating badly so feeling worse about myself I don’t know how to get me back 😭

@ThatMortgageDilemma
Getting old and too tired to rebuild I feel that too I have put my son front and centre for 18 years paid for school fees done it all with him and now he’s off I’m so proud of him and who he is but jeez where am I now ?

@16purplecolour16 may I ask which book please? I may recommend it to my mum. She is feeling lonely and a bit lost in what to do with herself.

I think by the time we move into our next home I will have an empty nest. That is one of the reasons it is taking me so long. It is a big adjustment. I'm hoping to keep very busy.

When my DS was younger and he was out overnight I used to look forward to the quiet. But after the last few hideous years I feel much more secure knowing he is here. It is strange.

I do feel a bit like that Parsley, getting this child through all the way to where he is has been a labour of love, I have raised him on my own through sickness, disability, hardship and a very nasty ex. Bless him, DS is amazingly resilient and I am so proud of him, but now my job appears to be done, I really need to find myself a new project as I'm starting to feel a bit lost.

So applying for jobs tonight :-)

@user1471538283, I think starting in a new home when they leave may help quite a bit. I am feeling like putting the house for sale and move as it is already feeling too big and empty without DS around.

Yes I was thinking last night about this thread and thinking when you have one child all focus is on them and then when they go because you’ve done your job it’s a bit wow ! Where did that time go especially if you’ve raised them alone. I’m pretty sure right now I don’t want a partner I just want to do what I want to do all the time now I don’t want to consider anyone else I’m done with caring except for my horse 😆

Thanks for starting this thread @ThatMortgageDilemma, I'm feeling in a similar place, though DS in the end won't be going this year. A close friend is applying for jobs abroad, and that feels a major wrench for me too. But I feel like I've landed up in a different place, and am wondering, well what do I do here, but with low energy to do any of it.

I heard a woman rapper in her 60s on the radio (?Grannyrapper). She said in her 59th year she did a challenge to do 60 new things. I thought that sounded a great idea - for me none of the new things I'm doing feel entirely right yet, but I am getting used to do new things and to that feeling of being uncomfortable but carrying on, to see if it takes. Much like our adult children in their new spaces.

I did a virtual challenge this year, to walk a long distance (Lands End to John O'Groats, with End to End challenges.) YOu do the walking where you are, and log the miles, and your pin moves on a virtual map. I got very focussed on it, and it has meant I've bought lots of books of local walks, and going to new places and walking has been great new energy.

I'm also trying to go on daytrips to places new to me, whether for the day, or for an overnight. Went to Lincoln yesterday (but decided to come back rather than stay overnight as the people in the room next door were playing noisy drinking games :() But it was interesting, and a different energy.

I suppose for me it is a bit like trying to furnish a new house at the moment. I'm trying to get a few little bits which feel more homely, while I work out about the colour scheme and what am I going to do about xyz. I do feel adrift, and surprised, as I hadn't really expected to. Your phrase 'losing the anchor that keeps my routines in place' really resonated for me. Good luck.

@ThatMortgageDilemma @redmapleleaves1 ur definitely is a different energy for sure I bought the horse a year too early but in hindsight I don’t think it was it’s brought new people into my life and horses ! fitness is improving and my mood is better when at the yard it has definitely changed me getting right out of my comfort zone

First off you will be surprised how often they are home, I'd just got used to ds being home and he was home for a month!

It IS a big change but you will adjust. Dh found it harder than I did as I'd prepared for it,I think he hadn't thought it through at all.

Reading week, Christmas, Easter and 3 months summer holidays- that's a lot of holidays!

I coped by thinking of it as boarding school not leaving home.

@DisgraceToTheYChromosome, I'm sure that could give everyone a new lease of life. My sister sent her DD to live with my parents for university, my retired dad, really enjoyed having the same debates at home he previously had with his students so... at almost 80 he went back to university, completed another postgraduate degree and is now happily out of retirement teaching undergraduates again.

But after raising DS on my very own, 24/7 since he was a young boy, if he were to tell me he is going to be a father, I would probably have a breakdown at the idea of starting again.

@redmapleleaves1 I really like the idea of doing the challenge of 50 new things at 50. I need to think about what those 50 things could be.

I spend most of my weekends going out of my city for the day. Highly recommend it, whether you do it with friends or on your own. Actually, the nice thing about doing it on your own is that you get more immersed in the experience and interact more with the locals, who tend to be very nice and welcoming when you are on your own.

I like antiques and interior design. A few years ago I set myself the challenge to build a collection of plates that were all blue on white, They had to be 23cm wide, cost no more than £2 each, top quality, and strictly no repeats. That had me visiting antiques fairs, carboots, and charity shops for a couple of years. Obviously, it is not that I am obsessed with plates, but having the challenge gave me the excuse to keep visiting different towns and villages in a 2-3 hr driving ratio from my home. (And really loved Lincoln when I ended there, even if I couldn't find a plate! )

Have you considered becoming a foster parent?

My DS 24 has left and comeback twice - once due to recurrent depression & then covid lockdown - he's leaving again next week to live with friends and I'm dreading it 😥

Hopefully he'll visit every other weekend and he's close by too which helps.