Empty nest syndrome, how to rebuild your life after the last one flew the nest?

[ThatMortgageDilemma]

That's it really, DS is leaving for University in two weeks and I'm already feeling the symptoms.

First of all, as many other women, I have a life, a boyfriend, a hobby, a job that leaves me with no energy to volunteer in my free time and nice friends. The problem is, with DS leaving, a lot of the pillars that sustain my routines and days, make no sense anymore:

• I have a nice house in a great location, my forever house, I thought. But with DS gone, it is simply too big for me and difficult to maintain but, I pay so little in mortgage that downsizing would be more expensive than staying put.

• I don't feel passionate about my job. It keeps me busy and pays well but it is quite grey... not much social interaction either as it is based at home.

• I am not from this country, I had to stay here after divorce as my exh wouldn't allow DS to move abroad, so I always thought that once DS went to uni, I would rent the house and go back home or traveling. I can do that now, but I have lost my interest in traveling and have nothing to go back to at my home country now.

• The hobby... I'm getting a bit bored of it.

• The boyfriend? He is wonderful, lovely, available in all the sense of the word, and very good company. He has similar interests to mine and similar dreams but his kids are still a good many years to go to university so at this time, although his kids do not live with him, it is out of the question for him to move out of the area (I totally agree with him, I would be the first to judge him if he reduced contact with his kids).

• The friends are lovely, but as everyone, they are busy with their own lives and families so we only see them sporadically.

I feel I am totally in limbo, have no energy or interest in doing new things... how do I snap out of this? Am I just depressed because DS is leaving?

If you have felt like this after the kids fly the nest/got retired, I would love to hear how you managed it.

If you are not, but are in the same situation, come and join me, I would totally understand how you are feeling.

@Parsley1234 Fitness... that's a key word... it something I need to do more of... I got a couples of injuries last year which do not allow for me to walk for long, then I ended up with a frozen shoulder so between the hip problems, knee problem and arm problem, there is hardly any exercise I can do at the moment. I used to do Pilates and still can manage a few floor exercises but I find it very difficult to stand up afterwards. The joys of aging!

Having said that, I think having a horse will do wonders to keep you fit. My ex had one and although he was way older than me, if you saw him from a far, he looked like a teenager, it was not so much about being slim but about the flexibility and ease of movement that comes with spending so many hours riding and keeping the horse.

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor I so much hope you are right!

I do really like the idea of seeing it as "boarding" not "leaving home". I need to stick that on a post it somewhere I can see it.

From your OP it sounds that your ‘baseline’ is good and that you’re reflecting on things that could be better. So you’ve got loads to go on!

Given your health issues would prioritise addressing those and getting back to regular exercise, to benefit your health.

@thenewduchessofhastings I haven't. I did when DS was young (and I was married) but it is not something I could consider these days. One of the main issues is that you need to be at home to foster and give the kids the need and attention they so need... and I have a full time job, that I need to keep to support DS and myself.

I think it's worse with this current few years of soon-to-be empty nesters. Our older teenagers have spent far more time at home with us oldies due to lockdowns and pandemic stuff than would be normal, so the gradual separation has not happened and it does feel like a wrenching. I think we are closer to our older teenagers than would be usual times, having hung out together for 18 months in a way that would not normally be possible.
Anyway, heart full of dread here.

@Germolenequeen I am very sorry to hear that, unfortunately, it is something that has been happening often as a result of the Covid restrictions. He is not the first child I hear from who decides to leave uni as they found the experience difficult, a lot of kids are struggling. In a normal year you see kids struggling adapting to independence but covid has made an already difficult process unbearable for many of them, which is a pity as what the experience they have got from uni is not what it would necessarily be over the next 2 years.

And yes, they may leave but the worry never goes: Will he be ok? Will he manage to feed himself properly? Would he be able to make good friends? Will he fritter the student loan partying? kids...

@ThatMortgageDilemma

Thank you - he's high functioning ASD so life is tricky for him at the best of times tbh - he has lovely supportive friends which is a relief.

@Dozer I have it at the top of my list, as well as not doing so much comfort eating... but it is hard...

I have been painting a piece of furniture this morning, it looks terrible (Blame the Frenchic cult) but at least has kept me away from the fridge... for a few hours.

PErhaps that's what I need, forget about all the plans and commit to do 20 minutes of pilates a day... one way or another.

I do think that health is vital, small things can spiral and make it difficult to be active etc.

I do v well on exercise but v badly on food

@Germolenequeen I don't know if this would be reassuring but you can trust there will be a lot of people watching over him. I used to work with university students in a subject that attracts a good number of individuals with ASD. The only thing I can tell you, is that once they follow their dreams, they find their niche.

I have seen a lot of heart warming stuff over the years but I have also seen many people flourishing big time because they are finally in a place where their "quirks" are no longer quirks but a welcome ability to focus, aptitude and determination.

@nctothenth So true... that's the one blessing of the lockdowns, I have spent so much time with DS that I wouldn't have spent otherwise.

He has practically disappeared from the house as soon as the lock down finished but still, it has undone years of "letting go" in a year. I'm getting more nervous at him being out on his own than I was a couple of years ago.

@Dozer... I do really need to do something about the food, some where along my life my brain got hardwired with the idea that no outing counts without food. Jesus... cannot even go to the supermarket without coming out holding a pastry...

[quote ThatMortgageDilemma]@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor I so much hope you are right!

I do really like the idea of seeing it as "boarding" not "leaving home". I need to stick that on a post it somewhere I can see it.[/quote]
Honestly, it really helps! And then after year 2 I have completely got my head round it all and by the time he actually leaves,which won't be for ages as he needs to do his Masters at home ,I'll be fine.

@ThatMortgageDilemma

Thanks again for your kind words.

He actually dropped out of University at the end of second year - he was badly let down by Disability Services who literally did nothing to support him.

He's a fantastic actor and the one good thing to come out his experience is the friends he made in Drama Soc.

He's hoping to pursue acting as a career but obviously this is not an easy thing to do 😏

@ThatMortgageDilemma what is that a trip without food I do not recognise it lol I’ve realised I make myself feel better with food a lot but it makes me feel worse really

[quote ThatMortgageDilemma]@BananaMilkshakeWithCream, I feel your pain, mine doesn't have a girlfiend but he is always out with his friends, so in some way I have been slowly getting used to the empty house and the lack of interaction.

I think him leaving to go to university a bit far away is what have me feeling like this... it feels as if I am losing him as I know him and the idea of only hearing from him once a week if I am lucky is worrying me sick. If he is a bit like me or his dad, we will only see him on Christmas from now on, so it is the permanency of his leaving which makes it feel so sad. (I know with these days' accommodation prices, he might come back to live at home when he finishes university)[/quote]
This is absolutely how I'm feeling. The possible permanence of it. My DS leaves next week. He's the anchor of my days & my life still very much revolves around his & I just cannot imagine seeing him every day. It's making me feel sick & empty & tearful. I don't think he'll be back after uni as there isn't much work (of the type he's training for) in our area. He says he'll come back for all the holidays but what if he meets a girl from even further away. Sorry- I'm not being much help but I do know how you're feeling. Feel free to message we can help each other. I have got my DH but he works 12 hour days. The house will be so empty & quiet.
My DS is going 4 hours away for uni how about yours?

@nctothenth

I think it's worse with this current few years of soon-to-be empty nesters. Our older teenagers have spent far more time at home with us oldies due to lockdowns and pandemic stuff than would be normal, so the gradual separation has not happened and it does feel like a wrenching. I think we are closer to our older teenagers than would be usual times, having hung out together for 18 months in a way that would not normally be possible. Anyway, heart full of dread here.

Oh this is so true! I've been with mine 1:1 for 18 months & the wrench feels unbearable at the moment. I just can't get my head around the thought of him not being here for meals, watching Pointless together & just little chats. They will make all these new friends but we will have such a big void to fill.

We're sort of on the back end of 'empty nest syndrome.'

Our eldest went to uni a long way from home but she decided to come home after uni to look for jobs in London. We live in Kent.
She found a lovely job in London and lived with us then she decided to do a Masters part time while still working. She completed that and is now looking to move out.
My son went to uni far away then moved into private rental, did his masters and got a job near to where he lived. It was like he went to uni but never came back. It just happened.

We totally accepted this and are happy for him but we still have our eldest with us. She'll be moving soon... not sure how we feel about this.

It's bonkers really. We should be celebrating their independence but once they've both ' officially' left I'm not sure that I'll be a happy bunny.

Neither my husband or I work now, retired/resigned, and we have much to look forward to. We've even got a bucket list which is really exciting but... it's on our own.

In my ideal world , we would live in a vast farmhouse , with annexes where we could all live together and have grandchildren too.

I really need to stop daydreaming.

Just found this thread as I’ve been wandering restlessly around the house all morning, having dropped DS off at university yesterday.

I know I’ll get through it and life will probably get a lot easier (and potentially more diverse and interesting), but today I’m lost.

It does get easier, my DD has just gone into year 3. I still have her twin at home but she’s barely here.

I miss them but it’s strange how you do get used to it and they usually love a visit and a meal out if it’s not too far away.

Sorry for disappearing, only manage to log into mumsnet on weekends and with DS leaving, things have been a bit hectic.

@LosingItRapidly, hold in there, the shock will wear off pretty soon, I spent the last week he was here hugging him, and sitting on his bed but then I was ok. The poor guy was so worried about me he kept asking if I would de ok

So I droped him at university last Saturday, I thought I was going to be a mess afterwards but he looked so happy and so ready for it, I couldn't feel sad about it (It may be the penny has not dropped yet though...).

He walked me back to the station and went back to his flat as happy as if he was going into a holiday, he has sent short texts during the week talking about how nice and social his student flat turned out to be and a lot of nice people he has met. So fingers crossed things continue like that.

I have been quite busy since I came back so I have not had much time to miss him but... it does feel different, the house feels so quiet and like there is some energy missing. I am feeling a bit strange at not being worrying about his meal times, him going out on his bike or he coming back late at night. I can see I will not know what to do with so much freedom in the next few weeks.