How to explain death to a 4 year old

[MrsM32]

Hi, my daughter just turned 4, I’ve been told recently that my mum has a few weeks to live sadly, I know this may seem strange to think about but it occurred to me I don’t know how I’ll explain to my daughter once her gran has died, she hasn’t dealt with death before, she knows sort of what it is as she’ll say things like “a dead spider!” When she sees one outside for example but in a person it’s very different, we aren’t religious so wouldn’t use words like “heaven” can anyone please advise if you’ve been in this situation and how you explained it to a child? Thanks in advance

Oh dear this is so difficult. There are many books that will help, look up books about grief for preschoolers. This can bring the idea across to your daughter in an age appropriate way without being personal.

I would probably say something like granny I was very sick, and she has passed away. We will all miss her and we might feel very sad about it, but we can remember her and love her still.

Sorry you are experiencing this, I hope you are okay.

So sorry to hear about your mum OP.

We told DS that his Grandad went to live in the stars, he passed when he was 4. We didn't want to bring Heaven into it but also didn't want to be too blunt with the answer.

When my gran died I really wanted to avoid ending up saying that she had ‘gone to heaven’ or was ‘watching over us’ or anything that I didn’t believe it could be confusing to a young child! We talked about how when somebody dies they become memory in people’s minds. So they aren’t here anymore but - ‘taps head’ - they will always be in here.

Ooh darling sending you love
Simply is the way to go. Just explain it using words she can understand. It’s a good idea (but hard) to use the word died. Nanny has died. You won’t be able to see her anymore and it will be sad but she loves you and wants you to be happy.
If it’s cancer related the local Maggies centre may be able to help you with how to break the news, same with Macmillan nurses

Please don’t use phrases like “passed” or “passed away”, they’re utterly meaningless. You need to be very clear, albeit gentle, that her gran has died and she won’t see her again.

We emphasised that the person loved our DC very much but the doctors couldn’t make her better and they died. That we wouldn’t see this person again but they would live on in our hearts and we can talk about them whenever we want.

I’m so sorry for your impending loss .

I told my 4yo that when somebody is very old, or born too soon, or very poorly, their body becomes very tired and their heart stops. That means they have died and we won't see them but we will still love them in our hearts.

I also explained that he wasn't going to die because he got tired at the end of the day, that he is healthy and happy and won't die till he's very, very old man.

Stay away from language around falling asleep, and be factual, kids (especially very young ones) don't have the same emotional response to death that we as adults do. Keep it simple.

Ours was slightly different as it was his little brother who didn't come home from the hospital after birth , DS was a to turn 4. I did explain that it was OK to feel very sad and cry, that the grown ups were feeling very sad that our baby didn't get to come live with us etc and that we might have a cry but a hug would make us feel better. (We are religious so did use the idea of heaven/in the stars etc, but he would have been as accepting without this premise).

I am so sorry for what you're going through.

(badgers parting gift is a lovely story but I found it was a bit long and complicated for him at just turned 4)

Many wise words here. Don't be surprised if your daughter doesn't cry or show any emotion. Children are much more accepting and don't grasp the enormity of the situation. Don't worry about her seeing you upset though - it's ok for her to know that, but it's equally important for her to see you recover too. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

So sorry to hear of your bad news.
I think dead creatures or even plants are useful for conveying the idea that once dead it will never be alive again which is a big concept for her age. If you know anyone whose family pet has gone maybe talk about that in a 'do you remember' kind of way. Just to lay the groundwork for her understanding of what death is.
Personal death of a grandparent is likely to be various conversations over time. Perhaps after a short time you could start a nice habit of looking at photos together and taking about her, to allow her to gradually process things and also to keep her memory alive.
Other good suggestions of resources from pp.

Look up winstons wishes, they have lots of great resources for children.

I had to tell my 5 yr old brother when I was 12 that mum had died, and then when he was 12 I had to tell him that dad had died.

Go with simple, direct statements. Don't embellish with language like sleeping, or gone away.

Just explain that they got very poorly, so poorly they couldn't be fixed and that they have died.

It's heartbreaking for everyone and I'm so sorry your mum is so ill.

I agree it's important to keep talking about your mum and make it clear she lives on in all your hearts. My mum died in an accident when I was 5 years old and I was told that she'd gone to heaven - my family weren't religious but I accepted this as children do, as @Nix32 says I didn't grasp the scale of what had happened (also, I only lived p/t with my mum, which made a big difference). My family struggled with their loss, though and rarely spoke of her, and it wasn't until I had a child of my own that I realised how much I had missed out on.

Cruse Bereavement Care are a good source of advice too.

Dont say gone to sleep. Say dead.

Is she familiar with Mog? If so read goodbye mog.

I know what Im about to suggest is very un british. Id take her to see the body if possible. They look peaceful, theyre gone and you can touch them and feel how cold they are.

The book Badgers Parting Gift is very good.

So sorry for what your going through.

I agree with others keep it simple but factual. I remember my Uncle explaining it as “gone to live in the stars” to my cousin who was about 5 - the next year when he went on a plane he was petrified as he felt he was going up to the stars too so wokld never come back. Sometimes the ways we describe it with best intentions just complicates things in a child’s mind

I had to tell my DD her great-granny had died, when she was four.

I said DGG had died (she knew she had been very ill) and asked if she knew what that meant. She said “it means we don’t have DGG any more” which of course meant she understood perfectly about the finality, and then we were able to talk about how sad everyone was and how much we would miss her. It was quite a lesson to me about their understanding at that age actually!

@Joinourclub

When my gran died I really wanted to avoid ending up saying that she had ‘gone to heaven’ or was ‘watching over us’ or anything that I didn’t believe it could be confusing to a young child! We talked about how when somebody dies they become memory in people’s minds. So they aren’t here anymore but - ‘taps head’ - they will always be in here.

That’s lovely. Ideal with a four year old. They can ask more questions if they wish. I would probably have tapped my heart.

OP, I’m so very sorry about your mum, I think if it was me I’d take the above excellent suggestion and say before your mum dies too so that it doesn’t come as a shock. 🙏🏻

I'm really sorry to hear about your mum, and hope you are managing ok under the circumstances. I second what several people have said about not saying they fell asleep forever or that they are watching from the stars - you don't want them to fear sleep or be confused about the permanence of death.
My experience is not the same as yours -
My mum died when I was a child and I always wondered how I was going to bring that up with my child once he was old enough to know about her. I was worried about him knowing the awful fact that children can lose their parents and how this would affect him, as we've always said how we'll always be there for him. But I showed him photos of my mum when he was 4, talked about her dying (not in detail obviously!) and that I hadn't seen her since I was a child. I told him he could always ask me about her if he was curious and that he wouldn't upset me by asking about her. He didn't seem to take it in and walked off to play with his toys. But over the next few months every now and then he would sit next to me and ask unprompted by me a couple of questions here and there - "do you miss her?" "Would she have given me big nanny cuddles if she met me?" Etc etc. He obviously had sat with it in his own way and thought about it. Even now 2 years later he sometimes asks about her or wants to see photos of her. So I think just being as honest as you can be with your child and letting them know that you will be there for them to ask questions or for cuddles if she's sad is the best way to go. After he's asked me questions about her he then always gives me a huge cuddle, so I think in some way it has helped him put himself in somebody else's shoes and feel empathy, as he's not as big of a hugger as he used to be!

I would also add: take her to the funeral if you can. I didn't go to my mum's funeral and the adults shielded me from their grief - on one level I am grateful because they did their best, but I approach things differently with my DS now as I don't think that approach is healthy.

Be factual.

We lost a close friend when my son was a few weeks off four, I told him that ‘dave’ had died, that meant no one would see him again because his body was too ill to keep him alive. We also spoke about where ‘dave’ had gone (buried) and said the worms would eat him (i know nor true) and his body would help trees grow etc.

Children are often matter of fact about death, be prepared that she may mention at odd times, I remember my son telling a random shop worker ‘daves dead’, so maybe have a chat and say its something we talk about at home, so you’re not put in a very upsetting situation when out and about.

She may not u sweat and regardless of what you say. My FIL died recently. I gently told my 3.9 year old that grandad was too sick, the Drs and nurses couldn't make him better so he was gone and that we were very sad. Felt it was better to use "gone" because passed away or died meant nothing at all to him. He still asks regularly and I remind him that grandad is gone. He doesn't understand and just says "he's still at hospital". It's very hard 😢

Understand, not u sweat..

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale

Dont say gone to sleep. Say dead.

Is she familiar with Mog? If so read goodbye mog.

I know what Im about to suggest is very un british. Id take her to see the body if possible. They look peaceful, theyre gone and you can touch them and feel how cold they are.

Where I’m from children are routinely taken to see dead relatives, I really wouldn’t advise it at all after having to experience it myself as a young child.

I also come from a family where an open casket is normal for final goodbyes/closure. Personally I found it helpful (as a young child) I didn't compute 'death' until then and it very much removed the waiting for them to come back feeling and allowed me to transition to grieving they've gone. I'm not suggesting it was nice but it was an important step for me.

My father died when my kids were 3 and 5. He'd had a stroke and was in hospital for a long time and my son did visit him. I told them that his body just couldn't get any better and he died. I took them to the funeral. All this helped prepare them as their own father passed away suddenly a few months later, when they were four and six. I had to tell them their perfectly healthy father's heart had stopped and he had died, and that you can't always explain why. They didn't understand the long term consequences - children live in the moment and don't really get the concept of the future. In fact your child may even ask when she can see her grandma again in a few weeks.
But I'd really recommend them seeing each other now often and you taking photos of the both of them- this will help keep her as a real presence in your daughter's life. Photos of my kids with their father has really kept those memories alive.

Be factual. Use ‘dead’ not ‘gone to sleep’. I second Winston’s Wish and also he book Badger’s Parting Gift.