Page 2 | How to explain death to a 4 year old

MrsM32 · 2021-08-24T16:18:28+00:00

Hi, my daughter just turned 4, I’ve been told recently that my mum has a few weeks to live sadly, I know this may seem strange to think about but it occurred to me I don’t know how I’ll explain to my daughter once her gran has died, she hasn’t dealt with death before, she knows sort of what it is as she’ll say things like “a dead spider!” When she sees one outside for example but in a person it’s very different, we aren’t religious so wouldn’t use words like “heaven” can anyone please advise if you’ve been in this situation and how you explained it to a child? Thanks in advance

Rainallnight · 24/08/2021 18:40

I’m so sorry to hear this. My dad died when DD was 2.5 and my mum died when DD was 4, so I’ve had lots of practice!

I found it useful to say that ‘Granny’s body stopped working’, to avoid any fears about getting ill or going to sleep. And that when someone’s body stopped working, they just stopped being. We talked a lot about how sad it was (at her instigation!).

There’s a fantastic Julia Donaldson book called Paper Dolls that talks about things and people you’ve lost living on in your memory. We relied on that a LOT. (But it may make you cry when reading it so have a go on your own first!)

DaisyDozyDee · 24/08/2021 18:47

Sorry you’re going through is.
When it happened with my mum, we gently prepared the children by telling them that the doctors had run out of ways to help granny get better, so now they were working on ways to help her feel better for a short while, but that she would die soon because she was too poorly for them to fix.
I didn’t want her death to be a shock to them when it wasn’t going to be for any of the rest of us.

ribbonsred · 24/08/2021 18:50

I told my young son that their grandparent was so very old that their body didn't work anymore. They'd had a wonderful, long and happy life but it was time for them to die. Their body returns to the ground to help the plants abs trees go whilst their love and memories go up into a brightest star that evening where they will look down on us.

ribbonsred · 24/08/2021 18:50

@SemiFeralDalek

I told my 4yo that when somebody is very old, or born too soon, or very poorly, their body becomes very tired and their heart stops. That means they have died and we won't see them but we will still love them in our hearts.

I also explained that he wasn't going to die because he got tired at the end of the day, that he is healthy and happy and won't die till he's very, very old man.

Stay away from language around falling asleep, and be factual, kids (especially very young ones) don't have the same emotional response to death that we as adults do. Keep it simple.

Ours was slightly different as it was his little brother who didn't come home from the hospital after birth , DS was a to turn 4. I did explain that it was OK to feel very sad and cry, that the grown ups were feeling very sad that our baby didn't get to come live with us etc and that we might have a cry but a hug would make us feel better. (We are religious so did use the idea of heaven/in the stars etc, but he would have been as accepting without this premise).

I am so sorry for what you're going through.

(badgers parting gift is a lovely story but I found it was a bit long and complicated for him at just turned 4)

This sounds perfect

HungryHippo11 · 24/08/2021 18:54

@Rainallnight

I’m so sorry to hear this. My dad died when DD was 2.5 and my mum died when DD was 4, so I’ve had lots of practice!

I found it useful to say that ‘Granny’s body stopped working’, to avoid any fears about getting ill or going to sleep. And that when someone’s body stopped working, they just stopped being. We talked a lot about how sad it was (at her instigation!).

There’s a fantastic Julia Donaldson book called Paper Dolls that talks about things and people you’ve lost living on in your memory. We relied on that a LOT. (But it may make you cry when reading it so have a go on your own first!)

That book makes me cry every time

Original poster

MrsM32 · 24/08/2021 18:55

Thank you so much for all the suggestions / advice, and also for your well wishes / sympathy, I really appreciate it, there’s lots of advice here I really like and I will definitely look into the books / websites suggested, my daughter loves Julia Donaldson especially, thank you all and I’m sorry for the times you’ve all had to go through this as well x

OP posts:

Starjammer · 24/08/2021 18:56

Agree with being factual. Nowhere near the same, but DD is 2 and three quarters and our cat who she adored died recently. We told her that he had been poorly and died so we wouldn't see him anymore, but we could talk about him and remember him and look at photos.

She says goodnight to him at bedtime and sometimes says 'Sooty died didn't he mummy?' and 'We won't see him again but I can see Sweep (other cat)'. I'm not sure how much she really does understand but I didn't want to have euphemisms or 'gone to sleep forever' in case that gave her hang-ups about going to sleep in case she didn't wake up! So honest and let her know she can talk about her gran whenever she wants.

Sorry for your news, OP

Doodlebug71 · 24/08/2021 19:03

We told ours at that age that whoever had died had gone to be a star. It's as close to the truth as it can be (we're all made of the same stuff as stars), so that was what we did. Then, we'd look for the brightest star in the sky on the next clear night, and ascribe that one to whoever had died.

Doodlebug71 · 24/08/2021 19:09

@Starjammer

Agree with being factual. Nowhere near the same, but DD is 2 and three quarters and our cat who she adored died recently. We told her that he had been poorly and died so we wouldn't see him anymore, but we could talk about him and remember him and look at photos.

She says goodnight to him at bedtime and sometimes says 'Sooty died didn't he mummy?' and 'We won't see him again but I can see Sweep (other cat)'. I'm not sure how much she really does understand but I didn't want to have euphemisms or 'gone to sleep forever' in case that gave her hang-ups about going to sleep in case she didn't wake up! So honest and let her know she can talk about her gran whenever she wants.

Sorry for your news, OP

Agree with the "being factual" parts. There's no point frightening a child by tell them someone went to sleep and never woke up. Much healthier to tell them their body stopped working (old, ill, whatever the reason was), and they died.

Talking about the dead person whenever they want to is also a really good idea. We do that, and always have. DH's dad died when DH was still quite young, and we made sure that DC know who that grandpa was, and encourage granny to talk about him/pass on his tales and tips.

vicarlady · 24/08/2021 19:14

I agree with being factual and straightforward. The book 'Waterbugs and Dragonflies' deals gently and well with the fact that death is final. Not new but It's a classic which stands the test of time. There are video versions on YouTube.

Usuallyhappycamper · 24/08/2021 19:14

I told ds that our relative had died and would go back to the earth. We wouldn't see him again, but he is in here and tap my head. We talk about him and ds wanted a picture. He got very upset at bedtime for a while, so I had to say we will always love him, but daytime is the right place for discussing. He found goodbye Mog helpful. I thought the memory tree was also a very good book, about a fox who dies in the forest and the animals memories help a tree to grow in the place he died. There are lots of books narrated on youtube if you want to find one you think will suit your daughter before buying. Ds decided our relative would be in heaven, because that's what he learns in school.

Cuddlemuffin · 24/08/2021 19:21

There's a really nice book called 'Paper Dolls' which is great for a 4 year old. It explains that when special things are gone we keep them in our special place. It's pretty open ended but it's a good conversation starter to discuss those things for that age group. My uncle died very suddenly and I was recommended this book and found it really helpful to talk to my 4 year old about at the time. We're not religious either but we go along the lines of special people stay in our hearts so we can remember them forever. Sorry you're going through this OP, sending hugs x

Cuddlemuffin · 24/08/2021 19:23

I've just seen a previous poster mention Paper Dolls....sorry for repeating x

HelpOrganising · 24/08/2021 19:34

My kids lost a grandparent last year. Badgers parting gift and the memory tree were books we used for 2&4yr olds.
Kids had no idea about death at all as a concept.

Also, start preparing now.
We had about 2wks notice (sudden terminal diagnosis) as soon as it looked bad we started emphasising how ill the person was. And gently started with reading the books after leaving them lying around to be found.

Then the question of ‘will X die?’ Came up naturally from 4yo and we could start to explain. Little bits of information as they asked more questions, letting them digest slowly.
Overall that worked really well for us and them. I’m glad we starting preparing them when we did so it wasn’t a big shock.

and my sympathies to you and your family x