Am I being unreasonable to expect help?

[emilybemilyboo]

Hi I ve recently left my abusive partner.I am staying in temporary accomadation it's not great.My mum in the meantime goensin holidays and tell me how much money she ve spend on her holidays..I know I am an adult but I think if this would be my daughter I would try to do something to help..I helped her in the past on many occasions...do you think she a selfish cow or I I shouldn't expect anything cause it's my mess and I am an adult....

Have you actually asked? If it were my daughter she wouldn't have to ask but people can be incredibly stupid and particularly if she reads certain newspapers she may be assuming you're raking in benefits and don't need her help.

Are you wanting her to offer for you to live there? Because if so you're better off staying in the temporary accommodation and waiting to be permanently housed. If you move in with her you may (highly likely) be considered as less in need and be moved down the list for housing. Better to stay in the temporary accommodation even if it's not very nice.

I’d like to think I’d help. But this is just a snapshot. Has she helped you many times before and she’s a bit fed up?

She never helped me with anything.even when I was a child.

As she didn’t help you as a child I think it was quite unrealistic to think she’d help you now, sorry.

I mean no one knows your family dynamic so it’s hard to comment too far.

In the situation you describe you would expect a loving parent to help, if they were able to… either financially, emotionally or practically. However there are some situations were I wouldn’t expect them to help, for example if they had already provided lots of help and felt that it wasn’t helpful to continue doing so on an ongoing basis.

You say your mum never helped you as a child….maybe she just doesn’t have the capacity to be helpful. My mum certainly doesn’t. It can be really painful to want a parent, a mum especially, who is emotionally responsive….but some people just aren’t.

I wouldn’t be helping anyone that called me a selfish cow tbh.

Ok thanks all

I m not raking benefits.and whatever people say about single parents getting everything it's not truth at all.believe me I know

Well done on moving on from your abusive ex and I'm sorry to hear you've having a tough time.

It sounds as though your Mum is really insensitive. Of course she shouldn't be rubbing your nose in the details of the money she's freely spending - it's just really distasteful so you aren't unreasonable at all to feel like this. Sounds like you might be used to it though.

Please remember, it's not you...it's her. And this is the person she is and won't change. Don't expect anything from her ever...even if you would do things differently as a Mum. It's very hurtful and you have my sympathy.

You had my sympathy until you called yer maw a selfish cow.

There are lots of single parents on MN OP so we’re all pretty familiar with what single parents do or don’t get.

What sort of help do you need?

You think she's a selfish cow? Take a LONG look in the mirror. With that attitude no wonder she isn't showing the slightest inkling of help.

Thank you it is painfull..I ve helped her soo much over the years...but I guess you are right I shouldn't expect anything..

You should never expect help and it’s luck of the draw if you have a parent that chooses to help or not.

Sometimes bailing your child out every time they cock up doesn’t help them learn life lessons.

If you really need your mum's help, then you need to ask her. You say she never helped you before, so I don't think expecting help without asking is futile.

@SheldonesqueGoddessOfTheMoonah

You had my sympathy until you called yer maw a selfish cow.

While I know it sounds harsh to call your own mum a selfish cow….it can also come from upset and frustration at feeling let down by a parent particularly if that parent was also inadequate when you were a child.

I would never call my mum anything rude to her face, but I often think things like “selfish” about her and vent to my husband. It comes from intense feelings of anger at her for being a terrible parent when I was a child.

Obviously I’m not saying it’s ok to call your mum names, just that peoples feelings about their parents can be complicated.

I think maybe op just needs to get to a place where she accepts that she will not get the support she wants from her mum. She didn’t get it as a child and won’t ever get it. Once you accept your parent for how they are things become a lot easier.

I expect nothing from my mum now and found things easier this way. Much less anger at her because I just don’t ever expect or want anything from her.

Debts to pay for one bed flat with mould and washing machine that's all I ve got...so I tell you what I will never judge or look down on single parents again..and idont get child maintenance either

Yes, ideally a mother should want to help her child. I can't imagine any situation where one of my children needed help and I chose not to.
But, the mum you get isn't always the mum you deserve. I'm sorry she isn't in your corner.
(Next time she wants you in hers, remember the choices she's made!)

Thank you
You are right.
I think it's painfull because of the things she used to say to me and as soon as I was able to make my own money she needed this and that I was paying for her home and my sister's I was like a mum to my sister my mum would do whatever she wanted to do was never at home....
It is a god advice to stop expecting thanks

Why did you judge or look down on single parents?

Thank you x

Because of what other people told me that they get everything house and benefits.my ex partner used to say that I didn't really know always worked and never thought I ll be in this situation...

I’m sorry you had such a bad mother. It’s probably why you fell in with an equally poor partner, but credit to you for seeing that and getting away. All you can do is grieve that she’s not the mum who loves you that you’d always wanted to see her as, never give her anything again, and be a proper mother to your child. You’re already doing a much better job than your mum did, you should be proud.