What kind of therapy?

[Ishouldhavedonemore]

I think I need councelling or therapy, I'm definitely depressed and anxious. I might need medication but will antidepressants or antianxiety pills do anything to help with the reasons behind the depression and anxiety or are they just for helping the physical symptoms? How do you figure out what kind of therapist or therapy you need? There are so many different types and it's all a bit overwhelming reading about them all and trying to figure it out myself.

A lot of my issues are around guilt and shame and self hatred. I grew up in a violent abusive household. I was the oldest child. As well as being the victim of my parents anger, I also witnessed my younger siblings being hurt. I tried as much as I could to divert their attacks on to myself but I wasn't always there or quick enough or strong enough to help my younger siblings.

I feel guilty all the time for not being able to stop it. I feel shame for leaving them behind when I left. I couldn't take it anymore and ran away. I should have stayed and tried harder to protect them. I was selfish and put my own well being ahead of small and vulnerable children.

I spoke to someone about it once, many years later. He told me I should have done something or told someone or called the police. He told me it was my fault. That as the oldest it was my responsibilty to do something about it. They told me it was my fault too. He confirmed what I already knew and had always been told.

Some times in rare moments of trying to be kinder to myself, I remind myself that I was a child too and I get a few seconds of feeling bad for younger me and all she went through. But then all the self hatred and negativity comes flooding back and drowns the self pity. I don't deserve kindness or sympathy, it doesn't matter how old I was, I should have done more.

What kind of therapy or medication do I need to fix me? I'm in my fifties now and I am exhausted by carrying the weight of all these negative feelings for so long. I've given up hope that they'll just go away on their own and I'm too tired to keep on going with them.

Oh my gosh, what an awful thing for someone to say to you especially a therapist! Of course you were a child trying to do the best you could.
Personally I would recommend transactional analysis as this explores your past and see how it impacts on what is going on in the here and now. Regardless of what theory a therapist uses it sounds like a trauma informed therapist is going to be useful. Check out the ukcp or Bacp for qualified psychotherapists or counsellors, as anyone can cal themselves either.

Thank you @Robertthebrucesthistle for the recommendation. I have been looking through Bacp but as I don't really know what I need I don't know how to go about choosing someone. I will go search for some info on the past analysis you mention.

It wasn't a therapist I spoke to, it was a family member.

I've had loads of counselling and therapy and have founds loads of utter crap out there.I absolutely rave about my current, latest and LAST counsellor who was trained by Re-Vision.

They take a jungian approach so look at bringing all aspects of you together - the broken or lost or unloved child, the inner mother and father, your "shadow" side (the bits we reject or deny of ourselves) and our soul or spirit. She has helped me find and love my strengths and vulnerabilities, accept my past, forgive myself and my pretty shit parents and find a lot of inner strength.

Anything that is CBT is about changing your behaviours so eg great for phobias. So probably not right for you.

You are absolutely allowed and should, meet several and simply wait until you find one that feels right. You're allowed to say after that initial meeting that you don't think they are right for you. Good luck.

www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/types
You really need a therapist/psychologist who you feel you can trust and feel safe with. Interview them and ask them explicitly what they can and will do that help you.
They'll need to really understand the impact of childhood trauma and the impact of shame and guilt on your wellbeing now
I hope you find someone good OP

That list of different therapy types is what led me to posting, there's just so many it's impossible to know which is right for me.
It hadn't occured to me that I can meet with different therapists and see if it feels like the right fit, I like the idea of interviewing them.
Thank you both @Tickledtrout @SophieHMS for your replies

I’d suggest something humanistic so person centred therapy, Transactional Analysis type thing. Steer away from CBT, solution focussed therapy, DBT because they don’t really work with underlying causes of your difficulties. I’d look for someone with experience in working with trauma and a good level of training ie at post-Graduate level, I’d also look for someone who has been in longer term therapy themselves at some point - a good therapist will tell you of you ask them. It makes a huge difference to work with someone who has been in that process of self development themselves.

I've found Gestalt therapy so useful for addressing childhood trauma.

A trauma-trained therapist is what you need. The generic 'talking therapy'/counselling is not particularly helpful with childhood trauma and its many knock-on effects.
The impact of childhood trauma, especially when it involved your primary caregivers, is unbelievable....it affects soooooo much stuff. Speaking from experience here. I highly recommend you read 'The Body Keeps The Score'. Helped me to understand what had happened to me and why I was having such difficulty functioning happily so many years later.
Antidepressant do help some people but not everyone. They are a pretty blunt instrument to use on a very delicate situation but may help you through short term.
I wish you all the very very best - you're doing the right thing, you won't regret it, although it may be hard at times. Hugs x

The trauma therapist who has been helping me hugely is Chloe Jane Prince. Incredible lady who has been through hell herself, and is now thriving.

Thank you for replying @Jellycatspyjamas @EducatingArti @ohnonotyetplease
The book looks interesting, ordering it now.

Those of you who have done therapy and worked on childhood issues, did it help a lot? Were you able to let go of the past and move forward? Ideally what I want is for all the memories and flashbacks to stop and to not be living in a constant state of fight or flight.

Yes, it took a long while and was very hard going but I can honestly say I’ve been able to let it go. It took a lot of work with a very experienced relational therapist but it’s been the best time and money I’ve ever spent. Finding the right person, irrespective of modality, is important.

That fills me with hope @Jellycatspyjamas
Did you find talking about it all made it worse (nightmares, flashbacks, etc) in the beginning?

Yes, it has helped massively but it has been hard and slow work.

It can do, with me my therapist and I really paced things so while it was hard I didn’t feel overwhelmed. Your therapist can help you with ways to cope with flashbacks etc but it’s also worth remembering that flashbacks and nightmares are your minds way of trying to process what’s happened so unpleasant but part of a process.

In addition to the book mentioned above, I’d also recommend What Doesn’t Kill You by Stephen Joseph. It’s a very readable book that gives a good explanation of what happens when we experience trauma and ways to help recovery. He’s done a huge amount of research into post traumatic growth which is the idea that in trying to come to terms with our trauma there’s the potential for significant growth. He’s also been involved in establishing an evidence base for the effectiveness of talking therapies in trauma recovery so worth reading.

I'm in the process of doing exactly what you describe OP. My therapist has been utterly amazing, a Godsend in the true sense.
It's really hard at times, but what she's done is taught me ways to feel safe while I explore aspects of my childhood that have, up to this point, been too frightening and too overwhelming to go anywhere near.
I've always found 'talking about' some of it very scary and quite difficult to actually verbalise because the memories weren't stored like a video, a complete scene or a story, but as fragments, flashes, like horrible Polaroids, and sometimes as particular phrases.
Ultimately, I will be able to simply live with it all, without it ruining today.
Hugs to all

It sounds like your childhood trauma is the root of your current difficulties, so I would suggest EMDR or trauma focused CBT, as these are the most evidenced trauma therapies. Many trauma therapists cam offer both and would discuss the differences between them.

In truth, both may make your recollections and experiences worse for a short period. But a therapist will complete safety work with you first to help keep this manageable for you.

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk is excellent in explaining the effect of trauma.

There are some great recommendations here, OP. I’d definitely endorse finding a therapist who understands trauma. However, the most important thing is to find a therapist with whom you feel comfortable and as though you can build a good working relationship - that part is more predictive of a good outcome than the therapist’s modality/way of working. Go through BACP or UKCP lists and check out a few people’s profiles. Try and talk to them on the phone to get a sense of how you feel about them. Good luck!

EMDR isn’t as effective with long term/complex trauma, very good for identifiable incidents of trauma but where a whole period has been characterised by trauma it can retraumatise. If the OP wants to go down that route I’d suggest a very experienced practitioner who has a good track record with complex trauma and who can spot when someone is becoming dysregulated and can pace the work well.

I would recommend you seek out a trauma informed therapist OP. One who understands the need to pace the therapy appropriately so that you aren’t overwhelmed and retraumtised.
Modality isn’t so important- the relationship with the therapist is. Most therapists are happy to chat on the phone about how they work and to see if you think you will be able to work together.
The body knows the score is a brilliant book but I like ‘healing from trauma - a survivors guide’ by jasmine lee cori. It’s a lot more readable and she addresses some of the issues you are asking about, even how important it is to find the right therapist.

I'm sorry for what you experienced . I also grew up in a violent home and have begun a journey of trying to heal from it. Have a look into internal family systems therapy or IFS. There's plenty on YouTube and online that you can read, alternatively, there's an audio book called greater than the sum of your parts (I think) by Dick Schwartz, the founder. It might sound a bit left field at first but it has been particularly helpful in helping people with childhood trauma. I think it's also mentioned in the body keeps the score (someone recommended that book above).

Definitely agree with another poster who encouraged trauma focused therapy. It's really important to find someone who is trauma focused I think, normal talking therapy can be retraumatising (I've experienced this) and so a gentle, specialised approach is needed. Good luck x

Oh I forgot to add...you mentioned that you have moments where you feel sadness for the child that your were. It might also be worth looking at inner child work. There's some lovely mediations that you can find online for this. X

I've been in a similar situation. Honestly I think there's a certain element or trying and seeing what's a good fit. I first tried a traditional counsellor which was a good starting point, felt good in the moment but not helpful long term. Then I tried someone who was a CBT specialist which was not a good fit for me personally. Finally I actually had someone on MN recommend a psychotherapist who specialises in childhood trauma and that was a breakthrough. It still took time, I saw them for over a year in total but progress felt slow and steady.

I guess what I'm trying to say is you'll never know until you try and there's nothing wrong with having an introductory session and deciding it's not quite what you're looking for.

Can you speak to your GP? They should be able to advise what talking treatment would be good for you. And at the same time some medication to help with your anxiety and mood. And then if any of the talking therapy is a bit tricky to work through then you will be more resilient to deal with it.

And the modern CBT cognitive behavioural therapy does not 'dredge up' the past. You start from where you are today, and how you think and different techniques to help yourself. I did an NHS CBT course and was amazed at the difference it made.

Hypnotherapy is working for me. It helps me to relax my body and mind.she makes me realise that I am not that helpless child and I am in charge of myself and my future.

Its a challenge but its slowly making me feel better, about myself.

I would choose a clinical or counselling psychologist. They're trained in several different styles of therapy so will be able to recommend and apart to what's more appropriate for you