What kind of therapy?

[Ishouldhavedonemore]

I think I need councelling or therapy, I'm definitely depressed and anxious. I might need medication but will antidepressants or antianxiety pills do anything to help with the reasons behind the depression and anxiety or are they just for helping the physical symptoms? How do you figure out what kind of therapist or therapy you need? There are so many different types and it's all a bit overwhelming reading about them all and trying to figure it out myself.

A lot of my issues are around guilt and shame and self hatred. I grew up in a violent abusive household. I was the oldest child. As well as being the victim of my parents anger, I also witnessed my younger siblings being hurt. I tried as much as I could to divert their attacks on to myself but I wasn't always there or quick enough or strong enough to help my younger siblings.

I feel guilty all the time for not being able to stop it. I feel shame for leaving them behind when I left. I couldn't take it anymore and ran away. I should have stayed and tried harder to protect them. I was selfish and put my own well being ahead of small and vulnerable children.

I spoke to someone about it once, many years later. He told me I should have done something or told someone or called the police. He told me it was my fault. That as the oldest it was my responsibilty to do something about it. They told me it was my fault too. He confirmed what I already knew and had always been told.

Some times in rare moments of trying to be kinder to myself, I remind myself that I was a child too and I get a few seconds of feeling bad for younger me and all she went through. But then all the self hatred and negativity comes flooding back and drowns the self pity. I don't deserve kindness or sympathy, it doesn't matter how old I was, I should have done more.

What kind of therapy or medication do I need to fix me? I'm in my fifties now and I am exhausted by carrying the weight of all these negative feelings for so long. I've given up hope that they'll just go away on their own and I'm too tired to keep on going with them.

Thank you for all the replies and recommendations. You've given me lots to read and I now have some idea of what kind of therapy to look for.

No I can't go to the gp. This is actually part of the problem.
For one thing I wouldn't be able to tell a gp in a ten minute appointment what I need. I'll just cry as soon as I go in there and not be able to speak. It would be a complete waste of their time. If I pay for therapy appointments then at least if I spend the whole time crying and hyperventilating I'll be paying them for their time so perhaps I won't feel so bad about it.
Which leads on to the second thing which is that I am so full of depression and self hatred and feelings of worthlessness and not wanting to inconvenience or burden anybody that I am never able to ask for help or see a doctor or dentist or anything. I have been having some medical issues for a while that I know I should see a doctor about and would recommend to anybody else that they go and get things checked out. But I am unable to do that. I feel like I would be wasting a doctors precious time and I know people have difficulty getting appointments so I don't want to take up a space that someone else deserves more.

So I need to fix my mental health enough to allow me to work on fixing my physical health. I think the physical ailments is probably contributing to making the depression worse which just makes it harder to fix the physical and so I'm stuck in a bit of a cycle with everything getting worse and not being able to fix any of it and being completely overwhelmed and finding it all very hard to cope with which of course makes the thought of ending it all and not dealing with any of it very appealing. I am however too depressed to actually end it because of the above not wanting to inconvenience anybody so still stuck in this stupid cycle of not being able to fix things until I fix things which I can't do until I fix things...

Oh love, you're not a burden. You are as worthwhile as everyone else. I know you won't believe that right now but I hope one day you do.

iF you want to speak to your GP, write it all down and either read from it or hand it to them.

Take care, I hope you find the therapist that helps

Compassion focused therapy is another one worth a look. Specifically targeted at shame. Agree with pp who said though that the ‘fit’ between you and therapist is one of main things, iirc research suggests it’s one of the main factors in better outcomes. Although it takes a while to develop the relationship of course. Sorry for all you have experienced and I do hope that you find peace

It might also be helpful work in stages.

So trauma focused CBT or EMDR to help manage the current intrusive thoughts that are impairing how you are managing day to day now.

Then when you functioning a little easier moving to trauma based psychotherapy of some sort.

Partly because CBT is often cheaper and more easily available so you could maybe start on that first. It isn't as holistic in managing issues around childhood trauma so I personally wouldn't recommend it as a stand alone treatment for you.

OP, in the meantime you might want to check out Nicole LePera on instagram as @the.holistic.psychologist who talks a lot about healing trauma.

@SophieHMS

I've had loads of counselling and therapy and have founds loads of utter crap out there.I absolutely rave about my current, latest and LAST counsellor who was trained by Re-Vision.

They take a jungian approach so look at bringing all aspects of you together - the broken or lost or unloved child, the inner mother and father, your "shadow" side (the bits we reject or deny of ourselves) and our soul or spirit. She has helped me find and love my strengths and vulnerabilities, accept my past, forgive myself and my pretty shit parents and find a lot of inner strength.

Anything that is CBT is about changing your behaviours so eg great for phobias. So probably not right for you.

You are absolutely allowed and should, meet several and simply wait until you find one that feels right. You're allowed to say after that initial meeting that you don't think they are right for you. Good luck.

Your therapist sounds amazing. Please could you message me her website/contact details?

Your therapist sounds amazing. Please could you message me her website/contact details? @SophieHMS

@Boatintheocean I dont know how to email through MN so look at Re-Vision at re-vision.org.uk as counsellors trained through them should be good! My actual therapist is amazing and I bloody love her :)

Thank you. There’s lots there and I’d rather have someone someone has actually used. Can you tell her her name or initials?

Thank you. There’s lots there and I’d rather have someone someone has actually used. Can you tell her her name or initials? @SophieHMS

OP, have a look at the Stately Homes thread - lots of people wrestling with questions about families that didn't treat them well enough.

Depending where you live, you will be able to to find a women's centre that offer support therapy and sometimes yoga to help you relax.
You were a child and in a vulnerable position.

Parents are supposed to protect and love their kids. You were supposed to be protected not mistreated.

Many adults carry so much childhood trauma that needs to be released. Yours is overflowing and you need a good therapist to help you direct it and heal.

Definitely find a therapist that you like to work with. If you don't feel comfortable change therapists until you find one that matches with you.

If you are from an ethnic minority background then contact this therapy network for help www.baatn.org.uk. They can help complete all the forms for your GP to fund your therapy and they have specialised trauma therapists.

This other centre is primary for Camden residents but you can contact them for advice, they have excellent therapists and offer complementary therapies. They may give you advice here to go in your area or offer online support.
www.mentalhealthcamden.co.uk/services/women-and-health-camden-counselling-and-psychotherapy-service

Good luck!