Moving away from London - tips

[NCAugust202]

Hi all!

So DH and I are planning to sell up and leave London next year. We have a 4 month old and are looking at potential locations now that we would be interested in.

We’re really not sure on where we want to live, but want to ideally have a 4 bed detached or semi, but we have no idea what we need to consider re location.

We both work in the City, with long hours, but once I go back to work, DS will be in nursery, so it’s occurred to me we need to be on a train line with regular trains to be able to get back and pick him up, etc. And also deal with any emergencies.

Also, all my family and friends are in London, which means I’m very attached, whereas DH is from the north, so not so much for him. So another point for me is being in a location to be able to see my family easily.

I guess I’m wondering how do people who live away from London find it, commuting into the City, when both parents have demanding jobs and you have a toddler. Any tips / priorities we need to think of?

Thank you!

Op people make it work in all the ways people have suggested, in my experience its having family very close by, having a nanny, one parent working in a local or wfh role, having a very easy commute - so even if you move out this is why commuter 'hotspots' with high prices exist.

How do couples make it work, both having careers in demanding jobs? Do you miss out a lot on time with DC? Is it constantly stress trying to manage work demands whilst wanting to be a parent? I’m guessing potential long commutes are something to factor into this too.

We have 3dc which makes the juggling much harder vs 1dc. What helps is a flexible employer, I changed careers after dc1 & work locally & p/t but I can wfh when needed & have flexi hours but usually finish at 4. We had a fantastic childminder. Obviously don't get paid as much. DH could also wfh pre covid & travels into Liverpool street but he starts at 9.30 so can still do some drop offs. What helps is proximity so we live round the corner from the school & childminder & 10 mins from station & my work is a 15 min drive. That's why another city may be better.

Our house & garden is smaller than we would like but the trade off is our life is easier. Now the dc are getting older we will move further out.

In short it is a stress. I was pregnant as well while managing work and childcare. DH is really great and shared the load. We outsourced what we could as well.

When DC 2 came along, I became a SAHP. It's removed so much stress from our lives.

In my opinion if you are goi g to leave London you need to do it properly and not work there and commute in daily. I just don't think it works and is the worst of both worlds.

Plus house prices are still really high as there are tons of people wanting to do this.

We were fortunate in that my DH worked near home mostly.
I was the one commuting and missed out on a lot of the girls time, (leaving home at 6 getting back 7 if on time). They're both daddy's girls even now as he effectively raised them. We had a good creche/nursery through his work which was open extended hours. I really only saw them properly at weekends when they were little.
Looking back I wouldn't do it again. I gained a career but I think I'd like the relationship with them that they have with their dad. We did get closer as they grew up but I missed those early years. I suspect I feel like a weekend dad must feel.

If you want to move them go for it, you may need a nanny, remember apart from schools you have school holidays etc to sort out. If you can both do wfh then try and arrange for one of you to be at home each day.

How do couples make it work, both having careers in demanding jobs? Do you miss out a lot on time with DC? Is it constantly stress trying to manage work demands whilst wanting to be a parent? I’m guessing potential long commutes are something to factor into this too.

Lone parent here (but now married), I went part time when I became a parent. If I had remained fulltime my son would have been in nursery from 7:45-6:15 everyday, there would have also been times when I would be out of the country for 2-4 weeks, lots of children would cope perfectly fine with that, but it just wouldn’t have suited my son. On top of that I also had a second job (which I kept).

I now work four short days, I live a 30ish minute walk to work (although wfh at the moment, I did try the tube to Liverpool street but it only saved about ten minutes) I chose a nursery near work, the fees were higher, but having just over an hour less each day actually cancelled out the difference. When he started school I only needed half an hour of breakfast club in the morning and 45 minutes of after school club as my employer allows you to tag lunch on to the end of the day unless it isn’t convenient for a client etc. I’m luckily that the field I work in is well paid so I still earned enough to live in the same area etc, I of course made sacrifices, but once I was back at work they weren’t particularly limiting ones.

Now I’m married my husband has also gone part time so he is set up and ready so when the time comes he already has that secure part time contract in place when we eventually have a child together.

I live in Z3 but work in the opposite side of town. DH works in the same borough as DD's Primary school and nursery, so he could get a lift and be with her within half an hour. DD now goes to school in a neighbouring borough but is still close to the old PS (we live near the borough boundary) so he can still pick her up within 45 minutes at a push, whereas for me it's over an hour plus. She has been fortunate to go to good schools.

We can't afford more than the little flat we have here and talked about moving away but decided to stay because the schools are good, she has a lovely set of friends and she has her dad nearby if she falls sick. Her grandparents have a car so can also pick her up within an hour. We will stay until she moves on from school post-18 to uni/work/apprenticeship or whatever she decides.

When we move we've been looking to the west of London like Hampshire or Wiltshire. If we move now we won't have all our support systems. If we move in a few years time we can trade our flat for a small house and a garden. But sometimes you have to look at practicalities. One of you will have to work locally to your new town/village. Otherwise its too hard.

When we move we've been looking to the west of London like Hampshire or Wiltshire.

Do you worry about being priced out of these areas if you wait so long? They are already pretty pricy. In the back of mind I am conscious that our house money won't go as far in the future due to more people prepared to commute &/or remote working.

A mixture of nursery near home and a part time nanny could work. The days you wfh use the local nursery where you pick up and drop off and the days you are both in the office, use the nanny who can feed and prepare DC for bed. Takes a lot of stress off. My DC are late primary now and I can wfh a lot so the one or two weekly commutes to the City aren’t so bad. It will be a juggle and you will be exhausted and you also need to be super organised with life in general. Once DC in school, breakfast club in the mornings and use the same nanny for pickup who can supervise homework and activities and prepare their dinner.

NCAugust202 I think there has been a lot of doom on the thread. We have made it work and don’t regret it one bit. I would do the same again in a heartbeat. It doesn’t come without a degree of stress though and I also think you can’t both be striving for promotion at the same time. I should really be a level above what I am but I don’t want the added hassle.

What we have found is that my husband has reached a level of seniority where he can just do what he wants really. He still works long hours and is constantly on call but he has told his PA no meetings before 10 and he’s largely managed to stick to it.

It has taken us a number of years to adjust to working around each other. We have a yearly calendar and work our annual leave. We go through the diary a month ahead and check for any likely issues re travel or big deadlines. His Mondays are always hideous and that is my non working day. My week tends to be more pressured on Thursday and Fridays when he has a bit more flex. You do ideally need to get into a pattern where you fix your wfh days around each other. That will make a big difference.

School is definitely harder as is having children in different settings. I’ve got one in primary and one in nursery and the holiday clubs that do 8-6 are a good drive away from our nursery.

It’s really hard OP. I can see the logic of staying where we lived pre children (Highbury and Islington/ Finsbury Park) as the commute was short but it meant a flat with a tiny terrace rather than a 4 bed house.

My friends who both have big City jobs have a nanny or an awful lot of family help.

Not as difficult as you but we had demanding careers and no local family.

We moved to be nearer my work, husband is an engineer on the road, so starts from home. I had a 15 minute commute. I went part time. Children went to a local childminder mornings.

During school transition we had a hybrid system with childminder, school, preschool.

Once at school, I changed to school hour part time, took holiday during school holidays, and the children went to parents or they came to us during long summer holidays.

You need to know who is going to cover for their sickness, or childminders sickness. That's always difficult if you've not got family close by. I just had to be the one off.

By secondary, we were so close to the schools, 30 minute walk, the children had been making their own way to and from school. I carried on being part time school hours though as I liked being home with them at that time of day. It's when you talk and see their frustrations! Probably not absolutely necessary though.

Now they've moved away and got their own careers I do a 3 day week full time.

@Bunnycat101 raises an interesting point about reaching a certain level of seniority that you have much more flex in your dairy. My EA knows Wednesday afternoons should be kept clear (and nothing goes in without a chat) as my DD is off in the afternoon.

DP dairy is similarly flexible.
But both of us have a c in our title and I’m not sure we could have had the level of flexibility if we were striving for a promotion.
We live in zone 1, but are moving to zone 2 but closer to secondary school for 2/3. Secondary has been delightful compared to primary! They just take themselves off!
Honestly though we couldn’t have made it work with a 1.5 hour commute each way. I suggest getting a flexible nanny who you treat well (and I mean fairly and don’t try and cut corner with them) to take the pressure off. We couldn’t have survived without a very chilled nanny

Just another perspective. I’m from the sticks and feel as though my children miss out on an awful lot NOT living in London. I wish we’d made a life for ourselves there. When I visit I’m amazed by the facilities, culture etc.

@Bunnycat101

When you say Monday is your non work day, does that mean you work part time..?

SW1amp Yes in theory. Curse of the 4 day week though doing a full time job in less time. I’ve got a bit too used to working at midnight to make up the time.