Moving away from London - tips

[NCAugust202]

Hi all!

So DH and I are planning to sell up and leave London next year. We have a 4 month old and are looking at potential locations now that we would be interested in.

We’re really not sure on where we want to live, but want to ideally have a 4 bed detached or semi, but we have no idea what we need to consider re location.

We both work in the City, with long hours, but once I go back to work, DS will be in nursery, so it’s occurred to me we need to be on a train line with regular trains to be able to get back and pick him up, etc. And also deal with any emergencies.

Also, all my family and friends are in London, which means I’m very attached, whereas DH is from the north, so not so much for him. So another point for me is being in a location to be able to see my family easily.

I guess I’m wondering how do people who live away from London find it, commuting into the City, when both parents have demanding jobs and you have a toddler. Any tips / priorities we need to think of?

Thank you!

Would you both be able to find work outside London? The people I know who are happiest with leaving London have moved to another city entirely, outside of the crazy prices and commuting times/costs of the SE. We currently have commuting times of 20 mins, in a beautiful, vibrant city with tonnes going on, countryside in 15 mins, and the beach in 30. The quality of life compared to what I was doing before (1hr 20 commute door to door) is so much better and we are much less stressed. Very few of our old friends still live in London (end of primary) as the secondary school options are so dire.

I've commuted from one of the Home Counties for 20 years. It used to be okay but the last 4-5 years have been awful. Trains are so unreliable and pre-pandemic I regularly didn't make it home until gone 7 despite getting a train due just after 6. Hybrid working is really the only way to make it work.

Since it appears that your DH is the driver behind this potential change in lifestyle, can he get a local job and do nursery drop-offs and pick-ups while you commute into London?

We moved out a few years ago then had our DD. We both continued working our city jobs and commuting everyday (1h 15mins door to door). When my mat leave ended DD went to local childminder full time. In the mornings I would head to work early and DH would do breakfast with DD and get her to the childminder (8am), then in the afternoon I'd leave the city early (4pm) to commute home and collect DD for 5.30. Sometimes needed to work from home in the evenings to keep on top of things.

This all worked reasonably well for but honestly it was a exhausting. Post Covid we're both able to WFH permanently which is a huge relief. But like you OP I love London and have friends there and do miss it. It's a trade off.

We tried this and moved back to be closer to work in The City and we missed our old London life. We lasted 4 years so really tried but with both parents working FT it's really hard. Could you rent somewhere first in case you want to move back?

Another voice of doom here - we only moved from Z2 out to Z5/6 but at the time it was a huge culture shock. Also remember that nursery actually is as good as it gets in terms of the timings of childcare - school is a massive pain in the arse 9-3 and wrap around care etc often shorter than nursery hours. We ended up with a nanny on the days I worked.

Don't underestimate the stress of train cancellations when you're rushing to pick up a child! Good luck OP - it's a big dilemma!

@GappyValley - yes you mentioned the 11am call to say they are sick and needing to be there in an hour. Realistically, commuter town nurseries understand. (And if the trains are up the spout so you can't get there in time, most of the parents at the same nursery will be also stood on the train platform with the same situation!)

But OP the key is thinking about which train station you need to get into- eg if you /your dh works down the street from Waterloo, there's no point posters saying look at Bedfordshire towns, yes it might be under half an hour from St Albans to London, but that takes you into the wrong end of town.

I think you'd be better off waiting until baby is a bit older. As others have said, if you want a nursery with good hours and close to the station you need to have booked your place yesterday.

By all means look along the train lines and explore the areas while baby is little.

DH and I used to have big jobs in the city when our eldest was born. I went back to work full time after him.

We luckily got into the nursery at the station where I commuted from (SE London zone 3/4) even though nursery is at a commuter station they open 8-6. We shared drop off and pick up but it meant that whoever dropped off had to work 9:30 - whenever and who picked up left for work at 7 so they could leave work at 4:30 to make it back in time. You were charged £1 per min that you were late to pick up! I used to have 6 mins from when nursery opened to my train leaving .... doing that wasn't fun.

Moving out of London and away from your support system is hard and best to do it when you know what your working parent reality might be.

A few colleagues have done this recently, two have to use a nursery near work as they couldn’t get to the nursery near home on time for pick up. The other had to quit his job as the childcare needed when his daughter started school just didn’t exist to allow him to be out the house from 7:30-7pm.

Agree with the sentiments on here OP. It is possible but not with “just nursery”.

Many nurseries are 8-6 maximum so that doesn’t enable you to both have long hours in the city. Either one of you will need to have an agreement you leave early (and maybe work in the evening when the other is home to do childcare, bedtime etc), or you need a nanny.

Also I know it feels like ages away but school will come around quickly and even with breakfast club and after school club that’s a maximum of 8-5.30. In which case you’ll need an after school nanny then too.

If you do go for it you’ll ideally need to be on a line that goes directly into the mainline station you require in London, eg Cannon Street. You don’t want to be deal with a significant tube journey as well as train.

Sounds insane - we both work long hours and would really struggle. Have you looked at further out? Esp wanstead/Woodford/Loughton- not very London similar feel to commuter town but on the tube and critically taxi-able home from the city.

My sister had a wk of issues with her trains when my nephew was younger, she had to cab it home every night to reach the nursery. I know if my trains screw up I could tube it part way and then Uber, even long bus it if needs be- relying on one fast train is concerning if moving far out

Also remember a 4 month old doesn’t have much of a routine- once older it’s great to have them fed, bathed and sleeping by 7or so- if you pick them up at 6pm or later every day you may feel rushed and exhausted

@NCAugust202 - where in London do you need to go into? I do think this is the crux to the suggestions.

I think with both of you working in the city it may be a problem. As previous posters have said trains can be unreliable so you'd need to have arrangements to look after little one if you were both delayed.

I worked in the city but fortunately DH worked close to home and my parents were nearby so it wasn't too much of a problem. On a couple of occasions the trains were stopped due to someone throwing themselves in front of the train. Doesn't happen often but the delay is long, didn't get home till after 11. It's not just the train/public transport but also the roads, DH got stuck for hours in a traffic jam after an accident. You need to ensure that one of you is around to look after LO outside nursery.
Also you need to ensure you can cope with a call telling you that one of you is needed (problem at nursery/school).

We are in south Hertfordshire in the train line into Moorgate which works well for DHs City commute. I like where we live and we have a 4 bed detached house but it’s not cheap! Canary Wharf wouldn’t be much fun from here. If your DH is from the north then I’m guessing a northern home county would be better for seeing his family and them potentially helping?
My family live in Leicestershire which isn’t too bad down the M1 so have helped out in an emergency. My best friend lives in Bromley and it takes her family much longer to reach them.

Now is not the time to make your life harder. If you are working in the City, stay in London.

Also I know it feels like ages away but school will come around quickly and even with breakfast club and after school club that’s a maximum of 8-5.30. In which case you’ll need an after school nanny then too.

Surely that depends on the school? All the schools I know have breakfast club from 7.30 & asc to 6pm

But I presume you are both good earners? Any scope to wfh? Could one of you reduce your hours?

This thread is exactly what I feared - that it will be a struggle with nurseries / childcare. We both work around the Monument area, so initially wanted to look around St Albans / Harpenden (goes straight into Blackfriars), but then realised we get so much more for our money in around other parts of Hertfordshire or in Buckinghamshire so are now looking around there. We went to be north of London rather than in Kent because it saves time when going up to DH’s home town, and also my parents are in NW London so we want to be close to them. My mum will be able to help with emergencies, but I’m now realising I may need to rely on her more than I appreciated.

Both our firms have said the return to work is on a hybrid basis, but obviously it’s not in our contracts so could change anytime. Also, I’m sure there will be times DH and I have to both be in the office due to client meetings, etc so we won’t always guarantee one of us being at home each day of the week.

That is also a good point re school times, I assumed it gets easier! Gosh, this is so depressing.

How do couples make it work, both having careers in demanding jobs? Do you miss out a lot on time with DC? Is it constantly stress trying to manage work demands whilst wanting to be a parent? I’m guessing potential long commutes are something to factor into this too.

This does indeed sound insane, unless one of the following apply: one of you will quit your job and work locally, you can each work from home half the week, you move somewhere completely new and each get new jobs, supportive parents also move to new location, you have a nanny. Otherwise you are setting yourselves up for an extremely stressful, tiring situation.

I agree with pp, maybe look at getting a nanny. Or consider moving closer to another city near family. We are Londoners so have family really close to where we live & it's really handy in the younger years.

@NCAugust202

This thread is exactly what I feared - that it will be a struggle with nurseries / childcare. We both work around the Monument area, so initially wanted to look around St Albans / Harpenden (goes straight into Blackfriars), but then realised we get so much more for our money in around other parts of Hertfordshire or in Buckinghamshire so are now looking around there. We went to be north of London rather than in Kent because it saves time when going up to DH’s home town, and also my parents are in NW London so we want to be close to them. My mum will be able to help with emergencies, but I’m now realising I may need to rely on her more than I appreciated.

Both our firms have said the return to work is on a hybrid basis, but obviously it’s not in our contracts so could change anytime. Also, I’m sure there will be times DH and I have to both be in the office due to client meetings, etc so we won’t always guarantee one of us being at home each day of the week.

That is also a good point re school times, I assumed it gets easier! Gosh, this is so depressing.

How do couples make it work, both having careers in demanding jobs? Do you miss out a lot on time with DC? Is it constantly stress trying to manage work demands whilst wanting to be a parent? I’m guessing potential long commutes are something to factor into this too.

Two high powered people- one couple the woman went part time, the other couple both went flexi hours- but both couples hired a nanny.

Nurseries are usually open til about 6.30. You can manage it if you have a job where you can walk out of the door and not look back at 5pm.

After school care can be done by a childminder who does a pick up from school and then has the kids at their home, but again, you'd need to be back relatively promptly.

The hardest thing is unplanned sickness. Our nursery has a policy that the child has to be collected within 30mins if they become ill. But if you have willing local parents, they would be allowed to collect them.

These are all solvable problems.

What you do need to consider is quality of life and how much time you'll get to spend with your family with both of you commuting. We moved out of london when DS was 6 months old, my husband carried on commuting and I became a SAHM. My husband didn't see our son for more than 30mins every day mon-fri once he started commuting. And he was knackered all the time. Hes been working from home during the pandemic and luckily it seems he won't have to go back to the office more than once or twice a month. But if that changes, he will find a new job. We've both realised what a difficult set up we'd walked into and how much better our quality of life (both individually and as a family) is now.

It's a hard choice.

How do couples make it work, both having careers in demanding jobs? Do you miss out a lot on time with DC? Is it constantly stress trying to manage work demands whilst wanting to be a parent? I’m guessing potential long commutes are something to factor into this too.

We live in Zone 2 and have a full time nanny..! We can’t make it work on paper to live any other way
On paper, I still have a ‘big job’ but have turned down/been overlooked for several promotions and had smaller bonuses because I had a minimum non-negotiable amount of time I wanted to spend with DC, and didn’t to be missing bedtimes etc

We would both give our right arms for a bigger garden and more space but we’ve both got several friends and lots of colleagues who moved out and none of them can really make it work

And as loathe as I am to admit it, the only ones who can make it are when one of them (and it’s always the wife) gives up work and takes on the full mental load, and I just can’t face that sort of life