Help me stop messaging my partner, I feel ill

[EmbarrassedFa]

I’ve not been with him that long, around a year or so. All been amazing. I have form for poor mental health and specifically abandonment issues and insecurity. I work so hard to keep on top of these and im in therapy and read loads about it.

I am in a downward spiral of obsessing over my partner’s contact with me. It’s making me feel sick and I know I am sabotaging things. I must be coming across so unattractive. Please help me stop this spiral. I don’t know why I suddenly need constant reassurance from him. I am not in a good place. Our relationship has been so great and I am ruining it because I can’t relax. I feel tormented.

I worry if he doesn’t text back quickly
I worry if I don’t hear from him
I worry if we don’t have plans to see each other next and it’s up in the air/undecided
I worry if he’s going off me
I worry he’s not really invested

I am in a high powered job and feel a fucking fraud. I’ve left an all day meeting tonight and sat in my car and cried for an hour. I don’t even recognise myself. Can anyone talk with me please. I’m scared I’ve already ruined my relationship and that’s making me want to be in contact more and then the circle begins again. I can’t stop.

Have you posted about this recently? When you DP couldn’t commit to seeing you due to being extremely busy at work?

Either way, I would call your therapist to try and and get an appointment ASAP. This isn’t healthy for you or your partner.

No this is my first post! Partner is always happy to see me. He’s not the issue here, it’s me

It's ok to feel this way.
It's normal to worry about a relationship that's relatively new.
You are in therapy and well read on it. You are doing all the right things.
That it's upsetting you so much is not good. Have you got friends / hobbies that are separate from your relationship? I think you need to concentrate on you rather than your DP but in addition, does he know how you feel and your history? A heart to heart might really help him understand you and you him.

Sorry you are feeling this way. I hope you find a way to see that you are bloody brilliant and he is very lucky to have you.

Sounds like you've given him your power, your sense of self reliance and esteem are low.
Be gentle and kind to yourself, calm your frightened inner child.
Do you need his validation so you feel ok?
Is this relationship good for you? Do you need time to yourself to heal and become strong and confident with who you are?

If he’s always happy to see you, and it’s been a year, and you know that not having a firm plan for a next date causes you anxiety, then that’s a really easy fix. He should be happy to do this, it’s not unreasonable. If you explain that you worry if you don’t hear from him then just agree together a once-daily check in text morning/evening if you’re not seeing each other.

The anxiety over text responses you do need to manage. Have you had any CBT? It can work well for spiralling anxiety like this.

You need therapy, as soon as you can get it.

I also think you should talk to your partner about what you're dealing with, and that it's in no way his fault. You need to make the investment in therapy if you want to save this relationship.

Oh bless you, do you think you might have low self esteem? Can you see do a meditation on self esteem ? From calm app? Go turn down your anxiety dial? Walk it off?

Does he do anything to make you feel insecure?

Have you discussed the future? A year is long enough to want to feel a real connection and a future together.

Please speak to your GP and see if you can access therapy.

In the meantime set yourself rules - no texting until tomorrow for example. Or until he messages you.

To answer a few questions @KILNAMATRA @SummerHouse @AtrociousCircumstance @Henrynextdoor

He does make an effort usually to set dates, it’s only now and then when it’s not set in stone. I hate it though and then I feel embarrassed I am so needy.

I do feel comfortable with him but don’t feel secure. I don’t think that’s on him though. I’ve always been a worrier and had terrible anxiety. I am tormented by it all. Im in therapy and have been for years.

I want to text and ask to talk. Im being obsessional and I absolutely hate it. When I’m in a good place I can be really level headed and fun. I let myself down all the time

Can I ask how old you are, could peri menopause be making things worse?

Could you set yourself a limit of 1 message AM and 1 PM?

If he responds and is free to chat then swap a few messages, but keep your main communication for the times you are together.

Messages can be misinterpreted and it's better just to use them for brief communication.

I want to text and ask to talk. Im being obsessional and I absolutely hate it. When I’m in a good place I can be really level headed and fun. I let myself down all the time

Does your partner know about your anxieties? If so, how has he responded to them?

I think you're being FAR too hard on yourself. Having occasional, even frequent, anxieties doesn't make you any less capable of a person. You're having a temporary wobble that impacts no one aside from yourself, so long as you're not pestering your partner for constant validation, and it doesn't appear that you do that. Have you tried to simply acknowledge your wobble to him, and tell him how rubbish your anxiety is making you feel? Keeping it all inside, torturing yourself, only serves to give your anxiety monster more power. I get the sense you feel like it's some shameful thing that has to be kept secret. It's not, and I think letting it all out may help quite a bit.

Just try and stop doing this, It is not necessary, and big time annoying to a person who has to deal with a needy partner.. Before phones, you would have had to hang fire about getting in touch with a person, so much, More peaceful for everyone concerned !

He does make an effort usually to set dates

Are you giving him too much control over calling the shots? You can arrange dates or suggest things to do- take back some power.

It's possible you're not stable enough right now to maintain a relationship. If it's making you ill, obsessed and jeopardizing your job then is this working for you, is it making you happy?

I don’t know, I think it sounds like he’s comfy and a bit more casual and you’re not getting what you need.

I’m not sure what’s going on really. He tells me he is committed. Says he loves me. Says he appreciates me. Sends me things in the post. Calls often.

He’s not perfect and sometimes he can go off the radar a bit and doesn’t always recognise when I need some reassurance. But basically I think this is a ‘me’ problem. I feel tortured and sad. All I want is to hear from him and be with him. I have friends and hobbies and a job but he’s always in my mind

Have you had successful romantic relationships previously?

At risk of sounding like an armchair psychologist, you seem to have developed an obsessional neurosis over this man with compulsive thoughts and actions. Nothing he does or says will alleviate your distress.

Therapy won't necessarily "cure" you but there are strategies and coping mechanisms, many CBT based therapies are helpful.

I would suggest taking a break from the relationship if it's making you this ill. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear. And I'm sorry you're struggling at the moment but put yourself and your health first x

As a pp says, being open about your anxiety is a starting point. I'm not saying share every dark paranoid thought you have but just being honest about your struggles with anxiety and the therapy you're having?

You say you feel like a fraud, you make an effort to be "fun" and level headed around him so it may be that the effort to mask your anxiety and present a front to him is not now sustainable for you. It's actually worsening your anxiety.

He isn't responsible for your mental health but being yourself and vocalising some of your fears will stop them becoming your big bad secret which is much worse in your mind. Your anxiety is something you can live with, it's part of you.

I don’t know OP. He sounds like a wonderful pen pal but I bet you want to live with someone. A year isn’t too soon to know.

Obviously you have some anxiety problems but it seems as if you have a relationship which provides you with zero space to discuss that or get relief from them.

It’s good that you recognise your tendencies and want to do something about them - that’s obviously long term & ongoing with your therapy etc which will hopefully help a lot. I would say if your immediate worry if ostracising your partner through your neediness (something in haven done in the past so I can relate here) then you need a short term solution! You feel compelled to make contact but do you have a friend you can offload your messages or worries to rather than your boyfriend? Explain to your friend about the situation & they can help support you through it. Alternatively can do set yourself a rule where you never give more than you receive? Ie if he texts you reply but don’t send an extra message or 5 unless it’s a 2 way conversation. Or perhaps write the message that’s on your mind but delete it immediately. I’m not suggesting you totally suppress who you are for this man - the right person will love you for the real you but i do think people can become overwhelmed when they feel depended upon too much as you don’t need to do this (you feel like you do but I assure you, you don’t!). Try to find distractions from your itchiness to text - it really is possible to completely change how you behave in relationships, have faith in yourself on this. Good luck!

Apologies for all the typos in my message but hopefully you get the gist OP

I know exactly how you feel - I’ve been with my DP for nearly 10 years and I’m still the same . Luckily he’s become better at being in touch when we’re not together than he used to be.

Some days it gets to 11pm and he hasn’t messaged me and it does sting a bit. If I’ve been the first to initiate contact for the precious few days it does make me think wtf is going on. Sometimes I will message him in anger/anxiety “I don’t know what you’re doing that’s so important that you can’t spare me 30 seconds to answer my text that you read 7 hours ago, but I need to tell you that I’m feeling a bit unimportant right now” etc and it will kick off a big argument. But then once the air has been cleared he’ll realise that he’s been a bit distracted and that I deserve those 30 seconds out of his day at some point.

I know rationally it isn’t important, it’s just texting, and I know 100% that he loves me and cherishes me, but people do go off track sometimes and it doesn’t hurt to be reminded to pay each other some attention!

I’m sure you can find a better way to communicate than I do, but do tell him when you’re feeling insecure because it could help.

I'm exactly the same. Exactly.
Been with DP for 18 months and honestly its like I'm a teenager and not a 45 year old woman who has a senior management position.
I check my phone constantly, I create scenarios in my head where he's going to leave me. It's ridiculous.
We're both divorced and I just can't believe I've found a decent guy after 20 years with a twat so I think that has a lot to do with it
I just wish I could focus on me more!

Same Ally. The thing that helps me sometimes is to play the “worst case scenario” game - I imagine he has cheated or gone off me, we split up. Then what? I try to think of any positives. I could move somewhere cheaper, work more hours and earn more money if I wasn’t fitting in date nights with him! Or meet someone else who doesn’t leave his wet towel on the bed , just little things that I could see as a positive, or at least a lack of negative. I would be ok financially, I could stay in my home, keep my job. It wouldn’t be the end of the world.

Once I start to see it like that I realise I don’t need to panic that something bad might happen, because I’d survive. I’d be sad for a while but I’d be ok.