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Original poster

Is it ever ok to lie to your children?

51 replies

00100001 · 16/08/2021 14:11

I can't think of a scenario when it's okay?

So I'm all for age related truths. Eg. If someone is unwell with a horrible disease and will die in pain

Obviously I wouldn't tell my 5yo kid the gory details. But would tell them that Alex is very poorly and needs the doctors and nurses to help them get better etc

I know it's not black and white. But intrigued to know what others think.

Happy to be told I'm wrong btw! I'm just curious to know what others think and if there's situations that I haven't reasonably thought of.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 16/08/2021 14:12

Santa? Tooth Fairy?

Letting them believe in a bit of magic?

samlovesdilys · 16/08/2021 14:15

Yes. I think so. Sometimes I don't want to share every tiny detail, sometimes it isn't appropriate for them to know, sometimes I don't trust them to keep a secret if needed...but on a case-by-case decision and depends on WHAT it is and your children...

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 16/08/2021 14:15

Santa

Concealing upsetting details of issues between their parents

But would tell them that Alex is very poorly and needs the doctors and nurses to help them get better etc
So you wouldn't tell them that Alex won't get better and will die pretty soon? Isn't that lying to them in your own example scenario?

Interested in this thread?

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5 year olds Families General health
Farwest · 16/08/2021 14:18

Really? You can't think of a single situation? Yes, it's ok to lie, and indeed is sometimes the best course of action. Often it will be to spare someone's feelings or to shield the dc from inappropriate or distressing information. I can think of dozens of scenarios.

WorraLiberty · 16/08/2021 14:20

I'm all for the tooth fairy and Santa etc

But I wouldn't be telling them Alex is very poorly and needs the doctors and nurses to help them get better etc, if he is indeed expected to die.

I'd just say he's very poorly and then if he dies, deal with that separately.

Original poster
00100001 · 16/08/2021 14:20

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

Santa

Concealing upsetting details of issues between their parents

But would tell them that Alex is very poorly and needs the doctors and nurses to help them get better etc
So you wouldn't tell them that Alex won't get better and will die pretty soon? Isn't that lying to them in your own example scenario?

Well, I suppose it depends on whether it's lying by omission?

I haven't lied in that example. They do need help getting better. They might not get better,but I never said that they will get better iyswim?

If the child asked outright whether Alex would die. I would probably answer 'yes possibly, but we hope the Dr will get them better,' or similar?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 16/08/2021 14:22

They need protecting from things. Money troubles, abusive husband, illness etc. Kids sometimes just need to be told “everything is fine”.

Original poster
00100001 · 16/08/2021 14:23

@Farwest

Really? You can't think of a single situation? Yes, it's ok to lie, and indeed is sometimes the best course of action. Often it will be to spare someone's feelings or to shield the dc from inappropriate or distressing information. I can think of dozens of scenarios.
Please let me know the dozens of scenarios, because I am unable to think of one at the moment.

In my mind, mot telling them the whole complicated truth, but telling a higher level 'overview' of the truth as per my example. Is fine.

But I would never lie and say "Alex is fine! "

OP posts:
CrazyNeighbour · 16/08/2021 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

icedcoffees · 16/08/2021 14:24

So I'm all for age related truths. Eg. If someone is unwell with a horrible disease and will die in pain. Obviously I wouldn't tell my 5yo kid the gory details. But would tell them that Alex is very poorly and needs the doctors and nurses to help them get better etc

But that is a lie as you're telling them they could get better when you know otherwise!

NuffSaidSam · 16/08/2021 14:25

'yes possibly, but we hope the Dr will get them better,' or similar?'

But that's also a lie based on your example where you know Alex 'will die in pain'.

The truth would be 'Alex is in the hospital, the doctors have done their best, but there is nothing they can do and Alex will die soon'.

And then if they ask is Alex in a lot of pain, presumably you will say 'yes'. I would argue they don't need to know that and that's where the lying comes in.

SockQueen · 16/08/2021 14:25

"Sorry, soft play is closed today/we couldn't get tickets."
"Grandma's TV doesn't have YouTube" (this used to be true).
"No, I'm not hungry for mud cake right now"

Original poster
00100001 · 16/08/2021 14:25

@PurpleDaisies

They need protecting from things. Money troubles, abusive husband, illness etc. Kids sometimes just need to be told “everything is fine”.
Ok, let's say that your DH hit you and bruised your eye. And child asked how it happened.

I can see that you wouldn't tell them 'Daddy punched me'

But what would you say? "I got hurt, but my eye will get better". that's not lying imo.

Unless omitting information is lying?

OP posts:
Skiptheheartsandflowers · 16/08/2021 14:25

If the child asked outright whether Alex would die. I would probably answer 'yes possibly, but we hope the Dr will get them better,' or similar?

But you said in this scenario that Alex 'someone is unwell with a horrible disease and will die in pain'. So if your child asks if Alex will die, then unless you say 'yes', they will' you're lying to them with that 'possibly, we hope..' bit. Don't kid yourself.

Original poster
00100001 · 16/08/2021 14:26

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

If the child asked outright whether Alex would die. I would probably answer 'yes possibly, but we hope the Dr will get them better,' or similar?

But you said in this scenario that Alex 'someone is unwell with a horrible disease and will die in pain'. So if your child asks if Alex will die, then unless you say 'yes', they will' you're lying to them with that 'possibly, we hope..' bit. Don't kid yourself.

I suppose you're right. If it was certain that Alex would die. Then yes, I would tell my child that.
OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 16/08/2021 14:27

But what would you say? "I got hurt, but my eye will get better". that's not lying imo.

And when the next question is “how did you get hurt?”

Stompythedinosaur · 16/08/2021 14:28

I think "lying" is an emotive word. Small lies are a normal part of social interactions in our culture. If I tell a friend it is "no trouble at all" to watch their dc, it probably isn't true, what I mean is "Yes, it is a pain, but I want to support you, and I know if I say that it is a pain you won't feel you can ask me".

If I tell my young dc that their drawing is fantastic, that I love playing a game with them and I really enjoyed watching their latest dance show, then it isn't exactly true, but saying "I sometimes find it a drag but I love you very much" would be hurtful and unhelpful.

I try to always be kind, but that doesn't mean always being trueful.

Flakeymcwakey · 16/08/2021 14:28

I lie to mine that I like their father and am sorry we had to split up, we just couldn't make it work but really wanted to. The reality is I don't like him and it was a relief to split up. And he smells bad.

Original poster
00100001 · 16/08/2021 14:29

@CrazyNeighbour

I can think of loads of situations where it’s OK. Especially where the child has form for being a blabbermouth. “Did uncle X cheat on aunty Y”? “Did X do drugs when they were a teenager” “Do you think cousin X is quite rude?” “granny said Mrs. Y used to be a prostitute. Is it true?” “mr. X, my French teacher is fucking useless”
So, for example What would you say when your 15yo child asks you "Granny said Mrs Y used to be a prostitute. is it true?" (And you knew it to be true)

I would probably point out that it's rude to talk about others/gossip. And probably say "yes it's true, however it's none of our business and Granny shouldn't be gossiping" etc

OP posts:
Original poster
00100001 · 16/08/2021 14:30

@Flakeymcwakey

I lie to mine that I like their father and am sorry we had to split up, we just couldn't make it work but really wanted to. The reality is I don't like him and it was a relief to split up. And he smells bad.
Fair enough
OP posts:
Original poster
00100001 · 16/08/2021 14:30

@PurpleDaisies

But what would you say? "I got hurt, but my eye will get better". that's not lying imo.

And when the next question is “how did you get hurt?”

Fair question.

Perhaps I would evade the truth.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 16/08/2021 14:31

But what would you say? "I got hurt, but my eye will get better". that's not lying imo.

"But how did you hurt your eye mummy?"

What then?

WorraLiberty · 16/08/2021 14:32

Sorry, X posted.

What if you can't evade the truth because they won't stop asking?

Original poster
00100001 · 16/08/2021 14:32

Not sure tbh.

Maybe that is an example I was looking for :)

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 16/08/2021 14:33

'Maybe that is an example I was looking for'

That's the quickest resolution to a thread in Mumsnet history 😂