Is it ever ok to lie to your children?

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I can't think of a scenario when it's okay?

So I'm all for age related truths. Eg. If someone is unwell with a horrible disease and will die in pain

Obviously I wouldn't tell my 5yo kid the gory details. But would tell them that Alex is very poorly and needs the doctors and nurses to help them get better etc

I know it's not black and white. But intrigued to know what others think.

Happy to be told I'm wrong btw! I'm just curious to know what others think and if there's situations that I haven't reasonably thought of.

When my ex (dcs dad) was in hospital in intensive care I absolutely lied, how on earth could I explain to a 10yo Daddy is in hospital and could possibly die due to injecting heroin into his veins?

There are many reasons why a parent would lie to their dc.

There are some things that you definitely can't/shouldn't explain to a small child, whose emotions/mental capacity are just not mature enough to be able to deal with it - see @ZeroFuchsGiven's post.

For that reason alone, I've never felt guilty on the rare occasions I've felt the need to lie.

Mine are adults now and they totally understand and agree now they are old enough to know about certain situations in the past.

I’d be amazed if there’s a parent out there that hasn’t lied to their kids in some way. Santa, tooth fairy already mentioned. That cafe doesn’t sell Coca Cola. The ice cream van has run out. All harmless stuff that make the day to day constant badgering for stuff a little bit easier.

I don’t lie in response to a direct question. But I don’t necessarily give a hugely detailed answer. And I have also said I’m not answering that right now, I’ll tell you when you’re old enough, that’s an inappropriate question, that’s not something I can tell you about because it’s about Aunty X and it’s not your business etc etc. Not lying doesn’t mean I tell them the full unvarnished truth to their every question. If Alex was going to die though I would tell them that, probably leaving out the painful bit.

And obviously I tell them their scribbles are beautiful, I really enjoyed their minecraft story, the hand decorated cake was delicious….

I think it's important to update the age appropriate explanation as children get older.
As a 7 year old, I was told my teenage cousin had died of worry (suicide). I had to work out for myself that he had killed himself.
I also think the concept you could die of worry, was a weird thing to tell a child, but it definitely needed updating/clarifying as we got older.

Lies by omissions are still lies but regardless of the semantics, I see it as good parenting to make judgements on when to tell a little white lie or half-truth to my child.

My mother had a proud stance of always answering my questions truthfully. It messed me up. Now granted my family was more dysfunctional than most but I shouldn't have been aware of these things, especially not in the details I did (domestic abuse, rape, miscarriages, illnesses). And yes, I did keep asking questions and she told me more and more but I was a child! It shouldn't have been up to me to regulate this information.

It also meant I was horrifically bullied at school as the weird kid that no one's parents wanted them to hang round with when I inevitably went to school and repeated these things.

Kids are only kids for so long imo, don't make it shorter.

You have an odd definition of lying.

^Ok, let's say that your DH hit you and bruised your eye. And child asked how it happened.

I can see that you wouldn't tell them 'Daddy punched me'

But what would you say? "I got hurt, but my eye will get better". that's not lying imo.^

That's both a lie and a poor answer. The child asked how you were hurt, and you respond, essentially, 'I am hurt' (yes, they already knew that! It prompted the question). The follow-up (But how?) is inevitable, and children pick up on obfuscation.

In your prostitution example - 15 is not 5. I would never lie about that to a 15yo. And that would be a good time to discuss prostitution and the choices some women are forced to make and the importance of reserving judgement.

I would also not lie about death, even to a 5yo, although obviously it needs careful and child-friendly explanations. Alex is dying? That deserves honesty. Children often, very sadly, need to deal with death.

But: why can't my friend come to play? 'His Dad days he's busy' (lie) is better than 'That kid is a nightmare and will never cross my threshold'. (True)

I told my DD we had gnomes living under the sofa,
We had a dragon living in the wood burner,
Santa,
Tooth fairy,
I had no idea what she was getting for Christmas/ birthday,
I didn’t know where things were ( if I’d just thrown them away),
I tell her I like all her friends,
I tell her she looks good in outfits even if she doesn’t.
I’m sure there others.

My friend lied to her 4 yo, who was screaming for her dead dad every night, that he had turned into a specific star. It allowed them both to get through during a horrendous time and now he doesn’t remember his dad or the nightmares. Was she wrong to do that?

I do think a lot of ppl who don’t like ‘lying’ to kids have led charmed lives and just haven’t experienced some of the shittier parts of it.

What would you say when your 15yo child asks you "Granny said Mrs Y used to be a prostitute. is it true?" (And you knew it to be true)

I would probably point out that it's rude to talk about others/gossip. And probably say "yes it's true, however it's none of our business and Granny shouldn't be gossiping" etc

Kid goes into school and tells class including child of Mrs Y, my mum says your mum is a prostitute

Kids (assuming primary ) what is a prostitute. Teacher 🙈

Kids (assuming secondary) destroy life of child of Mrs Y, who possibly already has it pretty tough

Really? You wouldn't lie???

"I love your drawing, thats the best drawing of a sunflower!"

I lie to mine all the time I don’t know anybody who doesn’t!

If you lie about yourself you will get outed my family dont like me really but one in particular has a chip on there shoulder about being "an accident" so age thirty they decided to visit that chip on my dd and tell her I never wanted children (true i took the map it didn't work) I told her this was true but then I met her and she was so lovely I changed my mind they told my relative off for being a cunt

This is the reverse of what you're asking about, because it's an adult child lying to a parent. But I lied repeatedly to my dad when in the last year of his life, suffering with dementia, he asked where my mum was. I told him various lies - that she was out, that she was with other family members, that she was in hospital recovering and would be well soon. The truth was that she was dead and he didn't remember. At the outset I told him the truth, but I saw that each time I did it hurt him again, twice over - once that he'd lost her, and second in him feeling it all over again and berating himself that he had forgotten something like that. So I started lying, deliberately and consistently.

I don't regret it. I'd do it again. I am only sorry I didn't start doing it more quickly.

I do think a lot of ppl who don’t like ‘lying’ to kids have led charmed lives and just haven’t experienced some of the shittier parts of it.

There's something in this.

"Do you want to play (annoying game) with me?"
"Yes i would love to"

@HungryHippo11 you have an amazing user name for your comment.

I think the thing with santa is that to be honest some parents do take it to massive extremes.

I think for me where it tips the threshold for lying is when a child asks you outright if Santa exists and you insist he does.

And see I wouldn’t actually class that as a lie Hippo, just being polite and enthusiastic.

A lie is more ‘the dog went to live on a farm / of course santa exists’ statements.

I think 'lying' is a veyr emotive word.

there are many times when we edit what we say to children, to protect them and to protect the adults (kids are notorious for not being able to keep secrets)

I always answer a childs question in an age appropriate way, sometimes that means saying everything will be OK even when I cannot know that it will. Because occasionally that is what a child needs to hear.

I guess the line is probably around what we think to be age appropriate. My kids knew where babies came from when they were toddlers, we have never felt it was secret information. Others may disagree.

But when they asked Is Santa real? there is no way I would lie and say yes. Instead I say Santa is a wonderful game that we all play at Christmas because it helps make it fun. What woudl you like him to bring you this year?

Everyone lies, giving certain information in an age appropriate manner is telling a lie really.

It depends on what you’re saying and why, plus a certain amount of lying is a perfectly normal part of society.

I lie to mine all the time: I pretend I like his minecraft stories, I reassure him that the world will treat him kindly (it won't, he has autism), I say 'yes I'd love to' when he wants to show me another bloody meme.

In the past I have lied about Santa, shops running out of ice-cream and an activity that he really wanted to do but I just couldn't make work.

My DFriend has also told her (much younger) DD that the shower at my house doesn't work when she was staying over and just wanted to put DD to bed rather than doing a full bedtime routine!

@Farwest

You have an odd definition of lying.

^Ok, let's say that your DH hit you and bruised your eye. And child asked how it happened.

I can see that you wouldn't tell them 'Daddy punched me'

But what would you say? "I got hurt, but my eye will get better". that's not lying imo.^

That's both a lie and a poor answer. The child asked how you were hurt, and you respond, essentially, 'I am hurt' (yes, they already knew that! It prompted the question). The follow-up (But how?) is inevitable, and children pick up on obfuscation.

In your prostitution example - 15 is not 5. I would never lie about that to a 15yo. And that would be a good time to discuss prostitution and the choices some women are forced to make and the importance of reserving judgement.

I would also not lie about death, even to a 5yo, although obviously it needs careful and child-friendly explanations. Alex is dying? That deserves honesty. Children often, very sadly, need to deal with death.

But: why can't my friend come to play? 'His Dad days he's busy' (lie) is better than 'That kid is a nightmare and will never cross my threshold'. (True)

But "I got hurt" isn't lying....

Unless we're saying omitting certain facts is lying?

My Ds asked me at 6 I'd i was Santa's. I told him the truth, I couldn't lie to him when he had worked it out. Christmas was still magical.

Told mine it was 8 o'clock when it iwas 7 o'clock-so I could study/ have a rest. Only worked for a short while until they worked it out due to cbeebies tv timings and involved too much clock changing.