Struggling as single mum to toddler

[Sjenson21]

I’ve been a single mum to my dd since she was three months old. I have parents who help with childcare during the week but otherwise I’m on my own most weekends when I don’t have plans with friends and their children. A lot of the time friends want to do things childfree which is fine and lucky for them but I don’t have that luxury, my dd needs to come with me. She is generally v good and sleeps well at night and lunchtime nap but I’m really struggling with what to do with her. She won’t go in the buggy anymore which is awful so going to shops or out for coffees is off the cards. I have a dog but it’s too difficult managing them both out at a park so my dog often ends up without a walk some weekends. I’m at the end of my tether because going out is almost impossible. I have a good network of friends but they are all in relationships and can leave their child with partner to go out or are busy doing family stuff as they have two adults to manage their child. I just feel so lonely and trapped at home with no adult conversation most days.

As pp suggested, meeting other single parents is THE answer. I was in your shoes and it was a couple of chance meetings through playgroups that led to being a member of a little network of single mums in the same boat and it improved my life so much. Find a way to make some of these friendships. People in couples don't really get it.

sounds like you are a bit overwhelmed with everything right now OP. Don't think it will necessarily be forever, things will get easier and you might change your mind about a relationship. And even if you don't change your mind, single parenting gets so much easier as they get older!!! Slowly, but each month easier. When they go to school it gets much easier! My son is 8 now and entertains himself for the most part. I feel much more like myself again and like I have a life. This has happened since school days.

I can remember being invited to meet a friend which would have necessitated a 45 minute train journey with my 2 year old. I didn't go because I knew my 2 year old would have refused to sit in our seated area and would have insisted on wandering around the carriage and I couldn't face having to a) try and keep said wilful child safe while walking around the carriage and carrying our bags around and b) be the mother that all the other passengers were judging for not keeping my child sitting still. My friend didn't understand how overwhelmingly impossible that 45 minute train journey was for me either.

I look back now and am so very glad that phase is over.

I have to say that the buggy ain’t optional for us either.. if I go out and can’t handle my toddler he’s in the buggy with dummy/snack/drink or iPhone (super simple songs, little baby bum or hey bear) because I need my sanity too. I go for walks up the canal every day at the same time so he knows it’s his routine to go in the buggy for a good half an hour to 45 mins walk. If he drops off there’s a coffee shop near by that I pop to.
I honestly feel you. If I didn’t have the buggy my child is like a coiled spring.. being 8 months pregnant there is just no way.

Our children are similar ages and I don’t know about you but I dread the idea of going to a toddler group on my own as my confidence is low from staying in due to covid. I think if I get low enough during my mat leave I am going to have to force myself to get out there.

Hope you’re ok - pm me any time as a fellow mom to a wired toddler. Where in the country are you? X

Did you know...being a single parent is actually a super power!

@Pebbledashery

Did you know...being a single parent is actually a super power!

This ….you are doing a fabulous job and use any bribe necessary,snacks ,screen,dummy to keep your sanity 💐Really try and persevere with the buggy. It really widens your options for going out and then easier to take doggie with you.

I can relate OP, it's such a hard age. In fact I don't want to be that person but for us it got even worse at three years old But of course very individual.

To me what is sad to read from your post is that having a dog too must make it so much worse. If you didn't have to have ddog with you as well I'm sure it would be so much easier to get around with your DD. Is there anyone you could perhaps 'share' the ddog with so you don't have it full time? Maybe I'm being naive as not a dog owner myself but it just feels a bit sad to me that a dog would be what complicates life so much for a child. Really sorry if that's a horrible thing to say for a dog owner

Could do you Dona back wrap in a sling? Would she allow that?

2 is such a hard age and throw a dog into the mix and it's double trouble. Is there any way you could put dc into childcare (nursery etc- you may get some of it paid if you're on a lower income) for a day during the week so that your parents do less and maybe more willing to do the odd few hours at a weekend to give you some 'free adult time' ? Also check out borrowmydoggy. Lots of people are up for walking dogs.

I have 3 kids and 2 years is my worst age! Oh god that’s a hard age so completely sympathise with you. I used to look for empty enclosed open spaces and take my kids to run free. Is that an option for you? The dog can get some exercise too that way.

I was you a few years ago. Everything that you are saying is how I used to feel. I promise you that with every milestone, things get easier and you get bits and pieces of freedom back - when they can put themselves in the car, occupy themselves playing for short periods of time, read a book, actually converse with you and tell you what they want, enjoy activities that you enjoy more too, go on play dates with school friends and to clubs. Sometimes I look back at that age and wish I had been more patient, attentive and affectionate as I would love to get that time back (just briefly) but we are just humans and being the sole carer for a toddler is really, really tough and lonely and relentless - you're doing the best that you can in the face of that and you will reap the rewards when she's a little bit older. I don't think anyone who isn't in the situation really understands how hard it is, and I relate to the selfish friends who had an 'I'm alright Jack' attitude with their seemingly easy and carefree lives (the child free ones will later act like their PFB's are the second coming and expect you to marvel over them and visit them regularly and go to soft play etc once your DD has far outgrown it ). Once your DD starts nursery/pre school try to make some mum friends to go to the park etc with.

You're going through such a hard phase, it'll soon be over!

My daughter went through the stage of not going in the pram/not walking far. I still walked the dog even if it was only around the block and just held onto dd hand tightly, as she got better we made the walk longer and longer. I got an extendable lead for the dog too which helped.

We had a buggy refuser. I’d second the trikey thing.

I feel for you. It’s so hard with two parents I have no idea how people do it alone. But it does get easier. I promise. My youngest has just turned 4 and while there are still challenges (eg bedtime) life is a lot nicer now.

@EducatingArti

Have you thought of one of the toddler trikes that have a parent handle to push. My friends toddlers enjoyed going in those in preference to the buggy. You can often pick one up cheaply on Facebook marketplace.

I second this idea. My two loved their trike and we’re strapped in so safe. I’d also go with the iPad when you need to. She’ll get used to going out and will give up the complaining when she knows you’re not going to back down, might take a while though, but keep going with it.

I never bothered much with a pram either, looking back. My DC just wanted to walk too. I remember spending a lot of time walking in the woods with DC and the dog, as the dog could be off the lead and DC could run along and roll about in leaves and mud.

I remember once DC had thrown my car key into a massive pile of leaves, and then DC and the dog had both legged it off in different directions to each other. During the madness my bosses boss strolled past me on an afternoon walk with his wife and I was mortified. However what they both saw was a wholesome image of a young family playing in the woods, not the incapable, harassed parent that I thought they were seeing.

It's a very, very hard age. Mine is 2.5 now and it's much easier than almost 2... God that was tough! He went through a phase of refusing to go in the buggy, car seat etc but I just made him - straps on, toy and snack, and walk fast talking all the time. Let him out to run around somewhere safe when errands are done.

We went through this age in winter lockdown when it was snowing a lot, and I can honestly say I dreaded my days with him (not a single parent but do plenty of solo childcare). It definitely got better as his speech improved just after 2, and now he's starting to listen to reason and bargaining.

It's definitely easier with someone else around, I highly recommend going out with people with similar age kids. You'll realise they're all the same as each other, yours isn't particularly difficult, two year olds are just damn hard work.

I have two dogs aswell as now 2 DC and can empathise ! When my eldest was 2 he was very similar - and I honestly thought I’d never be able to have a stress free outing again. It is a phase and it does pass honestly

What worked for us was not trying to attempt too much. So for a while he was in pram for dog walks, or the dogs were walked when he was in nursery / by dog Walker. The only time he was allowed to walk was when a friend occasionally came with us, one would hold his hand the other had the dogs. And sadly yes for a few months they did miss out on weekend walks - but a year on and things like this are now possible and relatively stress free. He walks very nicely and holds the pram as since had another baby, and I can take him, the pram and the dogs out at the same time quite happily

Another thing that helped us was choosing carefully where to go. So when he’d bolt off, we avoided walks near roads, or parks where you could easily get to roads. I found national trust places great as the couple near us have grounds and grassy areas which are quite safe to run around, and also there are generally other toddlers / parents there so didnt feel like an odd one out. I did avoid shops for a good while - particularly as he’d always try to pull things off the shelves. I remember having to put shopping back and walk out quite a few times as he was like the Tasmanian devil !

We did have reins for certain places which could be really busy (eg the zoo) and took the pram too for when he got tired, as a one off he tolerated them and was easily distracted by what was going on around us

If a trike doesn’t work how about a micro scooter, as it’s definitely not contained? Has a seat and a parent handle and from age 2 she could scoot on it herself
www.micro-scooters.co.uk/1-3-years-scooters

I hear you!!! My little girl is wild(I think most toddlers are.) She also hates the buggy but she will stay in it for me or I don’t know what I would do. I let her run around like a lunatic in the park for an hour at least to burn off the energy then I get to have a more peaceful walk home. At this age you are really relying on the buggy if she won’t use reins. Have you tried the back pack version of them? They didn’t work for us personally but I have heard of a few that wouldn’t wear the normal ones and loved these.

I’m not a single parent but I do work full time and still have to juggle a puppy and a two year old on my own due to my other half’s working hours. It’s a lot!!! And I often get quite irritable about it!! But I’ve started to accept that a lot of things are a bribe! Phone or crisps for my little one! It’s not ideal but it gets us along and sometimes minor mum guilt about bribes is better for us both than my mood when she is difficult and let’s be honest, she is just being a two year old! She had a meltdown earlier because she wanted a bath but didn’t want wet hands!!! It’s relentless!!! Also, we use a baby rucksack/carrier things for dog walks, it’s a game changer!!! You are not alone, we are all just doing our best xx

My dd goes to nursery three days a week and with my parents the other two days. I can’t ask them to babysit at weekends too. They would if I asked or had a special occasion but I just feel too cheeky asking for help at weekends when she’s my daughter and those are the two days I should be spending with her. I will try and be more persistent with the buggy and bribes and feel less guilty about phone or iPad time every so often. I just hate that I feel like I’m ignoring her by doing that. And you’re all right, non single parents do NOT get it at all. I do hate when people say “oh I know how it feels to be a single mum, I hate it when it when my dh has a night out / travels for work”. Very ignorant.

And you’re all right, non single parents do NOT get it at all. I do hate when people say “oh I know how it feels to be a single mum, I hate it when it when my dh has a night out / travels for work”. Very ignorant.

This is a little rude OP. You’ve hade some really supportive comments on here including from ‘non single parents’.

And I think many non single parents can imagine how hard it is. Just because you're not living it yourself doesn't mean you can't understand the difficulties. DH works very long hours, often away from home, often at weekends. I remember those longs days with DS when he was a toddler, without anyone to lend a hand, with no friends to meet up with (new to the area) . It was very isolating and lonely. So many people aren't speaking out of ignorance but rather their own experience.

Definitely lean on the tools we have available today, there's a time and a place when screens are a god send. No quilt needed!

I had a buggy refuser but not a dog thankfully
I got ds one of those little back packs that had a lead kind of thing so I could hang on to him, really useful as he was was bolter
You could also try one of those carriers to pop her on your back and leave your hands free .
It doesn't last forever, ds got so much easier aged 4
I'm also a single parent and I've just been reading another thread about yet another lazy arse father and it makes me grateful to be on my own!

Rude OP, after all the suggestions you got from non single parents. Not nice