Males and the serving of food

[GinJeanie]

Just wondering... is this a farming thing or just incredibly old-school (read sexist)?
The context - DH comes from a farming family although he is not one and does not do this himself.
Whenever we eat with DH's family, whoever serves the food always serves the men/boys first - irrespective of whether they are visitors of not. Females are served afterwards. Any seconds are offered to the men and not the women. To add, I would happily ask if I wanted more in the past although I'm constantly dieting nowadays due to middle-aged spread.
DFil is elderly and does not farm any more. He's pretty inactive which is a shame but is due to health problems. Nobody "works the land" these days. Just wondered if it stems from when the men in the family did hard physical labour though. Was musing whether it was a farming thing or a DH's family thing. My folks are completely different and overfeed everyone, but always the guests first!

In our families women are served first but men get bigger helpings, which kind of makes sense as they are larger than us and would burn up more calories.

Do you know I’ve never even thought about it!

But now that I am, it’s always children first, then guests then the rest of us - who ever is serving usually puts theirs down last.

No visitors first - starting with females, then working the way round. Seconds are divided out once everyone has finished firsts. All are asked to stake a claim and then the remains divided equally (subject to personal preference - kids portions etc)

In Russia in days gone by you had to show the callouses on your hands before you were served your food to show that you had done a hard days work.

I'm from a farming family and my mum would dish up at the same time. Can't say I remember her putting my dad's dinner on the table first.

no idea if it's a farming or family thing in YOUR family. only you can answer that.

But in a lot of countries it's still tradition to serve males & male guests first, regardless of occupation. it's either a cultural or a religious thing (or both).

In our family it's first comes first served.
Or help yourself

Ex mil did this.

All the men, then all the kids, then me and sil.

In the end me and sis just used to look at each other and laugh.

Non family visitors
Family visitors from far away
Family from local
House residents

Sex within each group is luck of the draw.

In my childhood my DM always served the men first and my dad had to be head of the table. He would also do all the 'me is man' stuff like carving and popping corks for Xmas whilst mum would be the one doing all the work and she would also sit down last.

I've been determined not to do this with my own family. My DH can get served last if he hasn't contributed to making dinner!

Yes in farming it's common I think

When I visited my grandparents on a working dairy farm my grandmother would serve grandpa/brother/Dh before anyone in case they had to hurry out

Us women didn't have to hurry and we're sat around drinking tea long after the men folk had gone to work the cows

This persisted even when they retired - just because they'd done it so long

In dh parents house we all go and grab out food from kitchen, mil (and I or sis) will dish up and shout everyone through. Except at Christmas when everything is put on the table and we sort ourselves out.

Growing up mum always gave me and db ours first, then dad then hers, dad'd sort drinks while she did that and they sat down together. Nowadays it's just put on the island and we all sit down and grab it when we visit (although ds is sorted first)

We currently don't have a table at home, so I usually cook dinner and take ds and dh through to them in the livingroom and then go back to the kitchen for mine, when dh cooks he brings mine and ds through.

I know both my nans always sorted grandads and uncles out first though.. so maybe generational?

i heard the actor mr mangan mention this on something, speaking to marian keys, irish, remembered it from childhood; maybe when staying with relatives, then he said, oh yes, when he was on holiday at relatives' in ireland, as a child, it happened.
now ireland is mostly a rural country. so seems likely was from the needs of working the land, not merely giving them more/best, but first, so they could get back out to the baler or harvest etc.
the women folk would be working in/around the house anyway, so could eat after the men had rushed out again.
i noticed when in ireland that in the home place, everyone sat down around big table but there was no conversation, just functional feeding.
i apologised to my uncle when he stood up to reach over and take something; in my world i ought to have anticipated his need and passed it to him.
he just ignored me.
i gradually realised that i was the one out of kilter.
the norm was to stand, take what you needed, not bother or interrupt anyone else.

eat. and then get back to work. time is money.
someone else in another house where the host had already eaten, and i was given something, actually took his chair and turned it around away from the table, so had his back to me.
this was done as an extra courtesy to me as a visitor.
eat away now, and i won't be looking on you, as he said.
i felt a bit like an anthropologist. fascinating. much to observe and learn. with its own inherent logic.
made me reflect on how all so called manners, esp of table, are mostly mere conventions, dependent on context.

People aren’t served in my house, it’s very much help yourself with enough dishes and serving spoons down the middle of the dining room table for everyone to reach and help themselves. Children would generally be sorted out first by the person sitting next to them and adults would generally be polite and motion for the people around them to go first. It just works out.

If the meal has been laid out on the side table again it’s children who are sorted first with everyone else sorting some kind of order out between them.

One thing is for sure though and that is that none of the adults would start eating until I had sat down and raised my cutlery.

Our family order is non-family guests first unless a particularly old relation is around in which case they go first (not exactly because the older relation is more important than other guests, more that we assume other guests would feel embarrassed to be served before an elderly guest), then non-nuclear family guests, then nuclear family guests, then residents, then the person serving is last.

In each group, if there is a female and male of about the same age the female is first.

Not that this is ever written down or said out loud other than perhaps "Wait until your grandma is served" to an over-eager DC. It's just the rules we all internalised over the years.

@Galassia - That's fascinating about the calloused hands as proof of having worked hard 😊

@LaurieFairyCake - interesting that you recognise this too. My DH says he's never really thought about it but thinks it's probably farming and/or generational in his family. I'd never ask any one else in the family as it could offend I guess. Just seems proper old-fashioned!

My gran used to say you my mum 'help DH to his lunch/ tea' etc every meal drove my mum bonkers.

I think it went him then kids then my mum, gran last and she wouldn't have a different order.

I assume in that case it's from rationing/ generally not having loads of food. Manual job for man and need more calories as big, then growing children.

Although nursing must be quite hard work so hmm.

I read a thing that said in ye olden days when we were gathering and what not the large men were a massive calorie sink for the group/ tribe. Or something. Can't write remember!

Fortunately here 99% of the time food is placed in serving dishes for self service. On the odd occasion when we do serve it would be guests first (female guests first) and I count guests as anyone who doesn’t live in the house, then family in what ever order they happen to be. I always thought ‘ladies first’ was the correct etiquette.

OP i thought that with farming the whole family would tend to work hard manual esp in past?

I know someone with a smallholding and she's always hauling sheep around and that sort of (I'm a townie obv).

@NiceGerbil - I'm sure that's often the case. Dmil had a lots of kids (6) and a PT job outside the farm when they were older. She has always done ALL the heavy domestic lifting and still waits on DFil hand and foot. I swear he can't even make himself a hot drink! She is very physically strong, can turn her hand to anything and in the past helped on the farm with certain jobs too (as did the kids). She must have been permanently shattered! 🙄

I’d order myself a takeaway and eat it all right in front of them. Genuinely. Then I’d tell them why.

Gawd that took me back...

Takeaways apart from fish and chips weren't a thing really when I was growing up, I don't think... And definitely not where she lived! I feel old now 😂😂😂

They did have Corona lemonade in glass bottles you got 5p I think it was if you returned!

I'm only nearly 50 that makes me feel about 90 🤣🤣🤣

I don’t know anything about the farming background but I know it happens in a lot of cultures. The males were always served first and prioritised as they were the earners but now that females work as well I think it’s just more of a custom that has kept going for so long.