Males and the serving of food

[GinJeanie]

Just wondering... is this a farming thing or just incredibly old-school (read sexist)?
The context - DH comes from a farming family although he is not one and does not do this himself.
Whenever we eat with DH's family, whoever serves the food always serves the men/boys first - irrespective of whether they are visitors of not. Females are served afterwards. Any seconds are offered to the men and not the women. To add, I would happily ask if I wanted more in the past although I'm constantly dieting nowadays due to middle-aged spread.
DFil is elderly and does not farm any more. He's pretty inactive which is a shame but is due to health problems. Nobody "works the land" these days. Just wondered if it stems from when the men in the family did hard physical labour though. Was musing whether it was a farming thing or a DH's family thing. My folks are completely different and overfeed everyone, but always the guests first!

@NiceGerbil - 😊. I'm a tiny bit older than you do don't worry. I remember taking the empties back for 2p each at the offy on a Friday night. I used to be sent to buy a new bottle of RWhites/Corona and a bottle of cider for my Mum (and must have been 8 or so... 🤪)

@FloFloFloFloFlo - love it! 😆

My grandparents on both sides were farmers (cotton and chicken) and the men were always served first because they had a set amount of time to eat and get back to work.
Women and children were served last. They could linger at the table.
Men got first chance at seconds, but both of my grandmothers would put a special dish (usually a dessert) aside to be served only after the men had gone - a hidden chocolate pie or coconut cake, just for the women and children.

My mother, from a very poor background, grew up with this — also, the ‘prestige’ food, the protein, was also given to the men. While the intention may have been to sustain ‘working men’, in fact the women and children were hauling water from the well and doing heavy work, too, and doing it on a protein-poor diet. My mother and her sister have had life-long health problems traceable back to an inadequate childhood diet. My uncle doesn’t share these.

I'm deeply farming. Several generations of farmers on both sides of my family and DPs family.

I think both he and I would agree that in our experience the men eat when they eat. If that happens to be 40 minutes after everyone else ate because they prioritised farming over their own stomach they will find it plated up in the oven instead.

It's not something either of us are familiar with but in DPs family the men were always expected to carve the meat, despite never buying or cooking it, and generally being clueless about how to do it so essentially resulting in someone hacking at something a woman had slaved over.

That always irritated me slightly

I come from two cultures where men worked (while women stayed at home) and so men were prioritised for food. In one culture men means all boys over 10/11. In another women (whether guests or home) are not catered for at all. Female guests are expected to eat and home and then help their female host cook / serve dinner. If there are leftovers they may get some or not depending on the host.

My mother serves men first and more - she and my English father claim it's a Welsh thing (my mother is Welsh). I'm less sure how it impacts second helpings but she is absolutely fixated on women having half portions/ the appropriate female response being to ask for half in any food related situation. Its left me with a lifelong loathing of doing anything by half and a determination to have nothing at all or the whole thing...

Guests first, then DP, then the cats to keep them occupied rather than wandering around in the hope of little treats, then me.

But we don't have a big old farmhouse kitchen and table for tons of people to help themselves.

99.999999% of the time, it's cats, then DP's plate, then me if I'm cooking, other way round if it's him.

I do suspect that he sometimes gives me more protein because I'm more active than he is. But then again, I know he has a stash of snacks and chocolate upstairs that I won't ever touch, so he's likely calculating for that as well.

@Parentingdilemmas

I don’t know anything about the farming background but I know it happens in a lot of cultures. The males were always served first and prioritised as they were the earners but now that females work as well I think it’s just more of a custom that has kept going for so long.

Sorry to be that poster but women have always worked! Just often for free...

We had no guests but my brothers were always served before me until I pointed it out and younger brother refused to accept food until I'd been served.

The first barbecue I attended in Australia had the women dishing up the food onto platters saying, take those out to the men first.

Fuck that. I jabbed a fork into a steak and went off to eat it. This was in 2006, so I hope things have moved on.

My ex was from a farming family; in his family it was always 'guests first' and if there were female guests, there'd always be a slightly self-conscious/jokey announcement of 'ooh, ladies first!" It wouldn't be all of the men served next, but the men who were likely to be busy. Or once I got to be less of a guest and more of a regular visitor, it'd be 'right dad, you need to get back, here's yours'.

Daft to talk as if women haven't worked in the past. They always have.

Theres no first served in our house (unless I've misunderstood the question), I dish up everyone's plates in the kitchen and then everyone helps carry them out. Even if there were more plates than people able to help carry them it wouldn't matter as I'd just serve whoever was at the table first then bring the rest in. Noone would start until everyone was sat down.

Or is it more who gets the biggest/best portion? I'd adjust servings according to appetites. Best bits go to the oldest. Seconds are for anyone to go to the kitchen and get for themselves.

Visitors first - starting with females, then working the way round. Seconds are divided out once everyone has finished firsts. All are asked to stake a claim and then the remains divided equally (subject to personal preference - kids portions etc)

This is what we did in my family growing up and any one of my extended family still do the same. We're from a smallholding in the SW - not proper farmers (said in West Country accent).

Visitors first, children then women first, but men got bigger portions. Farming family. Though often there was enough for seconds and sometimes leftovers, anyway so no one felt deprived.

Men and older brothers first then me and DM.
Live in Australia, in a farming community but not currently farming.
Pointed this out to DM when I was first nursing and starving after a busy day on the wards and DB had done nothing all day.
She wanted me to wait until DB served.
30 years later at Christmas, DM, DH and me.
Offered platter to DM first, her response was “feed the man first”. I refused and served her first.
DH still laughs about it.
Had heard me complain but never witnessed it so overtly before.

I've had this conversation with friends and we all have known this to happen with older parents/grandparents. We call it 'penis portions' meaning the guys get their meals first/best of the grub. Then the kids are prioritised. Then the women, leaving the poor woman who cooked it all with the dog ends of the meat.

Most people I know (not the older crowd) prioritise kids out of everyone, and its less of a big deal now as theres plenty of food to go around.

I've only experienced this in a few places in dh's home country, and never here in the UK these days (my mum used to do it back in the 80s, I refused to follow that "tradition")

@BabyDubsEverywhere - "penis portions" is an inspired expression which I may share with my DSil (but not DMil 😆). I think she'd appreciate it! Fabulous

I grew up in a farm, working farm, surrounded by other farmers, in Spain, actually.
We did the same. Men were served first. But about the seconds, anyone could ask. We did not run out of food ever, anyway! They always cooked a lot!
The men used to do really hard labour. So they always got bigger portions too, on the first round. Women have demanding tasks, and spent endless hours on their feet, but less calorifically demanding. Also, they used to snack, as they were close to the house most of the time. Men spent quite a lot of the time away in the fields, so it makes sense that they were hungrier at main meals. In winter, most of them would be closer to the house, and a lot of soup and hot drinking takes place, and a lot of story telling.
The question is that in a farm the time you tend to have guests for meals is during the hardest labour times. Either harvest or slaughter.
Today, the order of serving food still carries on, for tradition. Though now people tend to ask you which portion you want. Or taking turns to take your own portion.
Please, do not be upset, I am sure they do not mean anything bad for it. Just ask for more if you want it, I am sure they will actually like that.

I grew up on a farm. Food was already on the plates when they were handed to us. Seconds was a free for all.

Women are always served first in my extended family. Granted, we are a female heavy line and had a matriarch for a long time but men are served last.

Ladies first after all

My family were historically farmers though not for the last 2 generations (grandfather lost the farm). Forgot to say.