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Original poster

I can’t cope with sick husband

46 replies

Elisheva · 13/08/2021 09:04

My husband is diabetic, type 2 but was diagnosed in his late 20s so has had it for 20 years now. He has paid sporadic attention to the diabetes, been on various medications but generally ignored it.
Last year he was admitted to hospital with heart failure, which turned out to be as a result of diabetic kidney disease. It was scary, and for a short while he took all his meds, watched his diet etc. But didn’t last long. Two months ago he was told that he could no longer drive due to diabetic eye disease, he didn’t seemed phased by this at all, started going to work by train and just carried on. Now he’s in hospital with a massive ulcer on his foot which he didn’t tell me about and ended up with sepsis. He may still lose that foot.
I don’t know what I’m going to do. We have three children and I’m now responsible for everything, he can’t drive, can’t walk. I’ve no idea how he’s going to get to work, no idea how we’re going to cope when he gets out of hospital. And I’m so very angry with him for allowing his health to degenerate so badly. He’s only 47 but the doctor said his health is that of a person in their 70s.
What are we going to do? Has anyone else faced this?

OP posts:
Wombat64 · 13/08/2021 09:07

Eeek...

Can he get DLA or whatever it's called now? Tho I expect you'll have to do the application.

Has he offered any explanation for his deep denial?

MistySkiesAfterRain · 13/08/2021 09:10

He needs to drastically change his diet and lifestyle. What is stopping him doing that?

Original poster
Elisheva · 13/08/2021 09:14

I have no idea what’s stopping him. And he won’t talk about it.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Diabetes General health
Disrespected · 13/08/2021 09:17

Maybe he needs to be told that he's being a selfish prick. It's not fair on you or your dcs.

ohthestruggles · 13/08/2021 09:25

What is stopping him doing that?

So many diabetics struggle with control and a huge lack of motivation to look after themselves, particularly those diagnosed young. Diabetes is a problem in itself but it brings with it a huge burden, mental health issues and a whole host of other diabetic related illnesses such as cardiovascular disease. A lot of young people either don't realise the impact not looking after themselves can have or just choose to turn a blind eye because they want to be 'normal' and not have this limiting illness. Sorry you're having to deal with this, OP. It is huge for you and your family, too. Daffodil

Original poster
Elisheva · 13/08/2021 09:43

I have tried many times to support him, I buy and cook healthy food, but he ‘doesn’t fancy it’, I found out details of an exercise on prescription programme he was eligible for but he never followed it up.
Our house is not very accessible, we haven’t owned it for long and are in the middle of doing it up. And I’m not sure I’m ready to be a carer 😕

OP posts:
AluckyEllie · 13/08/2021 09:45

He’s not going to change I would imagine- if the kidney failure didn’t kick him into action it’s unlikely loosing a foot will. Does he have life insurance and do you work? I have no advice to offer you about the relationship but it seems unlikely he is going to reach old age and you need to make sure you are financially prepared for that. So sorry, it must be so hard to have no support.

ohthestruggles · 13/08/2021 09:47

Loosing his foot could go one of two ways but by the sounds of things it will put him further into denial and feeling like he can't or doesn't want to do anything about it. Does he have a diabetes specialist nurse?

Original poster
Elisheva · 13/08/2021 09:57

I do work, but part time. I’ve started looking at different jobs. It’s very difficult for diabetics to get life insurance, they have to demonstrate stable blood sugars which he doesn’t have. So he has life insurance (that I organised ) but it doesn’t cover anything diabetes related. I’m not sure about the mortgage cover, I’ll have to check that.
He doesn’t have a diabetic nurse. To be fair to him the diabetes team has offered practically no support at all. He’s had one phone call in the last year which he missed because he was at work.

OP posts:
Foolsrule · 13/08/2021 10:02

I’d find it hard to get over the fact that whilst the condition itself is not of his making, it has been made significantly worse due to his behaviour over the years. By default, he has well and truly burdened you with more than your fair share of parenting duties/driving/family maintenance etc because if he can’t do it, you have to. Who else will? It’s the selfishness that would kill any sense of passion or romance for me. I’d be tempted to give one last chance - maybe the threat of losing his foot will give him the kick up the bum he needs - but if he didn’t make a massive concerted effort to change, that would be the end for me. 47 is no age, no age at all. I have a friend who had their first baby at that age. You have a right to a happy life and don’t want to be condemned to the life of a carer for the next 50 years.

brittleheadgirl · 13/08/2021 10:03

@Disrespected

Maybe he needs to be told that he's being a selfish prick. It's not fair on you or your dcs.
This!

I won't even show this thread to dh.
He's type 1 diabetic and does everything he can possibly do to keep well. It's relentless and he's been diabetic since childhood and obviously it cannot be cured or reversed.

Your dh has type 2, he could change this by looking after himself, sticking to the right diet religiously, exercising etc
My poor dh would feel lucky in his shoes Sad

TenCornMaidens · 13/08/2021 10:14

I'm so sorry, OP. My dad recently died after 25 years of mismanaged diabetes because he refused to engage with it and kept trying 'alternative remedies' etc. Terrible terrible way to go and largely preventable. His wife was at her wits end and I wouldn't have blamed her AT ALL for divorcing him. Memory issues, heart issues, etc. Very serious health problems for last six or so years of his life. Should have been in a home but no capacity where they lived. He could have carried on for another few years with more strokes, infections, missing limbs, etc. I called Diabetes UK helpline for general advice and an idea of what to expect and it was very helpful and absolutely spot on.

fourquenelles · 13/08/2021 10:15

Elisheva I thought my late DH was the world's worst diabetic. Like yours he was diagnosed with T2 young. After 15 years his bad management of the condition meant that tablets were no longer cutting it and he moved to 4 injections a day. He was still bad at checking his bloods and we had to have the ambulance out on several occasions. He even ended up in a French hospital when he was on a golfing holiday with his friends. He loved his red wine, steak, cheese and cigars and said that if he had to give those things up life would not be worth living. I think one of the side effects of diabetes is the selfishness as well as the anger/temper. He died at 57 from bladder cancer.

We could not get any insurance cover for him so I worked full time and used every penny to pay off our outstanding mortgage so I do have a little financial cushion. The children were in their early 20s though so I no longer had to worry about child care etc.

Your husband is in denial but it also sounds like he has been let down by the system. My DH had regular appointments at the diabetic clinic (even if he chose to ignore most of their advice).

My 2ps worth is to prioritse yourself and your children now and prepare for the worst Flowers

FlatteredFool · 13/08/2021 10:28

You must be so worried and so angry. What a selfish dad and husband he is. I'd also say one last chance then if he doesn't improve I'd divorce him. This is no life for you or your dc.

Galassia · 13/08/2021 10:30

It’s one thing to stay ‘in sickness and in health’ but his attitude and behaviour have deliberately worsened his health so there shouldn’t be any guilt when you tell him you have exhausted yourself in trying to get him to eat healthy and take care of himself but you have now had enough.

TenCornMaidens · 13/08/2021 10:32

It must be awful to hear all this, OP. I'm afraid it isn't scaremongering. You do have choices.

LoislovesStewie · 13/08/2021 10:50

Actually, red wine, steak and cheese are OK for type 2 diabetics. My DH was diagnosed with type 2 several years ago and reversed it by low-carb. He was in denial at the beginning, but using a blood sugar meter and going low-carb convinced him that was the way forward. There is loads of info on the Diabetes UK website, if you are interested. For many years type 2 were told to eat 'better carbs' ignoring the fact that all carbs become simple sugars in the bloodstream and that type 2s just cannot process the simple sugars with high blood sugars becoming almost inevitable. Metformin doesn't work for everyone and has side effects that can be unpleasant, and there was, even among diabetologists, an attitude that insulin would become inevitable.
I also have an adult child with type 1 diabetes, so know more than I ever wanted to about the condition. There is also a type called 1and a half, found in older people and needing insulin straight away. Theresa May has it, apparently.
I do feel for you, OP, and I understand how scared and frustrated you feel, but sometimes it isn't the fault of the patient that things don't improve, (my adult child is proof of that, I could give endless stories of all that has gone wrong) and many people do all the right things, and it doesn't work.
I hope that as he is in hospital his blood sugars are being monitored, if they aren't get a simple blood sugar meter and get him to use it. He should also ask for a dietician to advise him, and please read up the info on Diabetes UK if you don't do that regularly.

Ellie56 · 13/08/2021 10:52

No advice OP, but I would feel equally angry in your shoes.

Maybe give these a call?

www.diabetes.org.uk/how_we_help/helpline

Parentingdilemmas · 13/08/2021 10:54

So sorry you’re going through this, it sounds like a very difficult situation for the whole family and I understand a lot of the strain and pressure is on you.

Has your husband maybe given up? Rather than trying to get things under control with lifestyle changes etc, instead he has just succumbed to the illnesses? Could he speak to someone about it?

I’m not saying it is okay to be selfish when you have a family but it sounds like your husband is fighting some demons deep down and needs further support with that.

I hope he recovers soon, sending love x

Crunchymum · 13/08/2021 10:55

He needs some serious mental health intervention here. It's tantamount to self abuse.

I'm not negating his role in this but someone who is handed a pathway to improve their health and wellbeing and ignores this, has a MH issue.

I say this as someone with depression (and at high risk of developing T2) who cannot make the changes she knows she needs to for the greater good. I'm hoping that by finally tackling my MH, I'll be able to tackle my physical health.

He has to be onboard though. He had to want to improve things and to know its a long term commitment. There is no quick fix.

Sorry you are caught in the crossfire. At the end if the day your priorities are your children.

GoodnightGrandma · 13/08/2021 10:56

You need him to either take responsibility for his health for ever, or think about whether you want to look after him as well as you and the kids.

TiredButDancing · 13/08/2021 11:13

There is a massive amount of misunderstanding about diabetes and how to treat it, some seen on this thread. But, your DH being in complete denial, even in the face of significant health impacts speaks to a serious mental health issue. MIL was v bad about managing her diabetes. She didn't bother to understand how she should eat or what she should do. And then she nearly died. And now, while she's not perfect, she has turned it around.

I would be looking to see what mental health support you can access for him and, if he refuses to engage, I'd be questioning this relationship long term because ill health - physical or mental - is not an individual's fault but ill health for which that individual refuses to seek treatment or help is, and, in my opinion, represents someone who is behaving abusively towards their loved ones who then have to pick up the slack.

Original poster
Elisheva · 13/08/2021 11:16

Thank you for your support. It helps to know that the way I feel about all this is shared.
I simply don’t know what to do. If I left him by then what what happen? The kids love him and would want to see him, financially it would be very difficult. And I still love him!
But if he doesn’t make changes then I can see that I will simply resent him more and home life will become awful.

OP posts:
Nannyamc · 13/08/2021 11:26

I feel so sorry for you. I was diagnosed 15 yrs ago. I lost 20 kg and was taken off medication. I follow low carb diet. Have check ups every 3 months . I take care of my feet and eyes. Tiredness comes and goes but i know when to rest. Your DH has the power to help himself.

GoodnightGrandma · 13/08/2021 11:30

Of course you don’t want to break up the family, but it might be him that actually does that. Resentment is very damaging.
Perhaps it’s time for a serious chat. It’s about him making the effort to be able to be the best dad and husband he can.