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Original poster

I can’t cope with sick husband

46 replies

Elisheva · 13/08/2021 09:04

My husband is diabetic, type 2 but was diagnosed in his late 20s so has had it for 20 years now. He has paid sporadic attention to the diabetes, been on various medications but generally ignored it.
Last year he was admitted to hospital with heart failure, which turned out to be as a result of diabetic kidney disease. It was scary, and for a short while he took all his meds, watched his diet etc. But didn’t last long. Two months ago he was told that he could no longer drive due to diabetic eye disease, he didn’t seemed phased by this at all, started going to work by train and just carried on. Now he’s in hospital with a massive ulcer on his foot which he didn’t tell me about and ended up with sepsis. He may still lose that foot.
I don’t know what I’m going to do. We have three children and I’m now responsible for everything, he can’t drive, can’t walk. I’ve no idea how he’s going to get to work, no idea how we’re going to cope when he gets out of hospital. And I’m so very angry with him for allowing his health to degenerate so badly. He’s only 47 but the doctor said his health is that of a person in their 70s.
What are we going to do? Has anyone else faced this?

OP posts:
fourquenelles · 13/08/2021 11:45

Actually, red wine, steak and cheese are OK for type 2 diabetics not a bottle a night Sad

BrilloPaddy · 13/08/2021 11:51

I'm T2 diabetic OP and was diagnosed 10 years ago.

I have had to dramatically change my lifestyle and eating habits, as I have no urge to become insulin dependent like my Dad is. He's looked after himself for 40 years but has still got diabetic retinopathy, nerve damage and poor circulation.

Your DH is on a path to self destruction. Your choice is having a front row seat in it, or walking away Flowers.

LoislovesStewie · 13/08/2021 12:05

@fourquenelles

Actually, red wine, steak and cheese are OK for type 2 diabetics not a bottle a night Sad
No, not in vast quantities, but a moderate amount is OK. And cheese and steak are far better than carbs.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Diabetes General health
RubyViolet · 13/08/2021 12:10

An open and honest discussion in front of a GP or counsellor might help him see that his actions have consequences beyond himself.
It’s so hard to get through to someone in denial, who doesn’t want to face up to their own actions. If it is made crystal clear what toll this is taking on you and his loved ones within a mediation environment, you can only hope he starts to look inside himself and how his behaviour is impacting you.
I really hope he will hear you and take it on board. But if he doesn’t you have to put yourself first.

DGFB · 13/08/2021 12:14

I’d threaten him with divorce if he doesn’t sort himself out, of course you’re not ready to be a carer. I’m cross on your children’s behalf

TiredButDancing · 13/08/2021 12:25

@fourquenelles

Actually, red wine, steak and cheese are OK for type 2 diabetics not a bottle a night Sad
True. And actually, wine generally would be something to be careful of (red better than white) due to sugars.

Cheese and steak are not necessarily going to negatively impact a diabetic specifically but obviously are not good for overall health eaten in high quantities.

Having said that, this idea that "healthy eating" for a diabetic is low fat is very frustrating. It's carbs that are the problem and a somewhat higher fat (not too high as obviously then you run the heart/cholestral issues) is fine. I wish that I had understood that earlier because I gave my mother a hard time about some food choices she made that actually were just fine and a much better treat for her than an ice cream.

Alternista · 13/08/2021 12:25

It sounds commensurate with living with an alcoholic tbh.

I think I’d have to separate from him, however hard it was financially. If he sorted himself out I wouldn’t rule out getting back together but I couldn’t live with him and put myself and the kids through his self destructive behaviour.

Alternista · 13/08/2021 12:27

Whilst I agree that dietary advice for diabetes is often confusing and contradictory, is there any chance this thread could stick to helping the OP with her relationship and the fact that her DH wont stick to any advice?

Artdecolover · 13/08/2021 12:34

I would be prioritising protecting your dc from watching their father kill himself slowly.

If one foot goes, the other will surely follow. Then up to the knee, retinopathy, stroke,

I knew a guy who died aged 50 after ignoring his T2 diabetes for 15 years.

He had both legs amputated below the knee and looked about 80.

Do phone diabetes UK for advice. If he doesnt change his ways there is no good outcome.

LoislovesStewie · 13/08/2021 12:48

I think getting a good health care professional on board would help, but the problem is that in many parts of the country they aren't up-to-date with current advice re type 2. As we don't know what advice has been given, what the OP's husband has not been doing or indeed exactly what he has been doing, it is difficult to give further advice. And, in the last 20 years, that advice has altered considerably. I understand the frustration and despair that the OP feels, but surely one last chance wouldn't be too much, would it? If the OP was male and saying he had given up as his female partner was ignoring a chronic health condition would we be saying 'run for the hills'? Lots of would be calling him every name under the sun.
FWIW, I did give my DH a good talking to when he was diagnosed, and I pointed out that he would not want to end up injecting. Thank goodness he listened, and his GP was absolutely marvellous and agreed with me!

YanTanTethera123 · 13/08/2021 13:15

DH (71) is T2 diabetic and thinks he knows better than everyone including his GP.
15 years on he’s never seen a podiatrist, doesn’t monitor his blood sugar levels, rarely goes for his Hb1AC tests, has a sore toe that isn’t healing 7 months on and recently has had 2 blackouts/fits)) but still isn’t honest with his GP.
I too have had enough especially as he can’t drive until he’s seen the neurologist (2-3 month waiting list?)
This means I have to drive him, I hate driving, we have a holiday booked that means motorway driving (hate that too) and I will have to ferry him around because of virtually no public transport here.
Angry? You bet.
🤬

Original poster
Elisheva · 13/08/2021 13:35

Thank you for all your advice. He is on slow release insulin, plus a range of other medications. He has now been given a new glucose meter.
The problem with medical professionals is that they tend to be really positive and encouraging, but that’s because they think he understands/acknowledges his situation.
So the doctor says ‘You’re doing really well (for such a sick man)’ and he just hears ‘you’re doing well.’ I was thinking about contacting his GP maybe.
It’s also difficult to discuss it with him when he’s acutely unwell. They are still trying to save his foot so it’s not the right time to start discussing the future. Or maybe it is. I don’t know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elisheva · 13/08/2021 13:39

@YanTanTethera123 (fabulous name)
Your dh sounds exactly like mine. Now he can’t drive I have to do everything- all the school runs, to and from clubs, play dates and parties, shopping.
He can have injections that might restore some of his vision, has he chased an appointment…?

OP posts:
Wombat64 · 13/08/2021 13:41

I've just been sent all the self-help courses run by my local health board. There were several for diabetes, including footcare.

Maybe some in your area? I've never seen them advertised, so I was surprised there was choice/availability.

LoislovesStewie · 13/08/2021 14:35

Wombat64, when my DH was diagnosed, he was offered courses in diet and general 'how to look after yourself'. He went, partly because I encouraged him, well actually bossed him about. I do think that there is also the false idea that type 2 is not a serious illness. I have heard that so often, as well as a lot of other nonsense.
OP, please tell the professions who are treating your DH at present exactly what has been happening. They need to know, and you need to get some help.
Please update us, wishing you all the best.

AluckyEllie · 13/08/2021 14:35

The thing is that he has to engage. You can have every referral and help under the sun but if he doesn’t want to do it- it won’t happen. He needs to take responsibility for his own health, does he not want to see his kids grow up? What a selfish man.

The only thing I could think might help would be speaking to the gp or getting a diabetic nurse referral and having them be very blunt about what he is facing- amputations and being wheelchair bound, going blind, being dialysis dependant. It’s not a nice or dignified end. And you don’t want to spend years of your children’s childhood tied to being a carer to a man who brought it on himself.

brittleheadgirl · 13/08/2021 14:54

@YanTanTethera123

DH (71) is T2 diabetic and thinks he knows better than everyone including his GP. 15 years on he’s never seen a podiatrist, doesn’t monitor his blood sugar levels, rarely goes for his Hb1AC tests, has a sore toe that isn’t healing 7 months on and recently has had 2 blackouts/fits)) but still isn’t honest with his GP. I too have had enough especially as he can’t drive until he’s seen the neurologist (2-3 month waiting list?) This means I have to drive him, I hate driving, we have a holiday booked that means motorway driving (hate that too) and I will have to ferry him around because of virtually no public transport here. Angry? You bet. 🤬
Oh my god I could cry. Dh is type 1, he works tirelessly at regulating his bloods every waking hour, attends every appointment etc

He'd bloody love to be type 2!!!

Gingernaut · 13/08/2021 15:07

Men in general have this unhappy habit of self neglect.

This may have to come down to specialist counselling, where you and your 'D'H meet and discuss what's going on.

How he can keep his head in the sand when he's got kidney and heart disease is beyond me.

RubyViolet · 13/08/2021 16:59

Wishing you all well on this thread.
You only have one life. If someone has decided not to take care of their own health and life chances and it adversely impacts that of yourself and your family then l do not see why that precludes you from making the decision to leave and save your own life.

emummy · 13/08/2021 17:05

Our health board - we’re in Scotland - has a psychology service specifically to support type 2 diabetics who are struggling- it may be worth asking your GP if there is anything in your area? Of course he would have to be willing to engage with it.
So sorry OP, it’s a really tough situation for you.

Original poster
Elisheva · 13/08/2021 19:08

Thank you. I’m hopefully visiting him tomorrow (have to phone up by 7:30am to try and get a slot!). I might see if I can talk to someone there and see if they have any suggestions.

OP posts:
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