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Original poster

Should we be married?

67 replies

justforthisQ · 12/08/2021 19:24

DP and I have never desired marriage but I can't figure out whether it would be wiser legally, financially etc to get married. If we did wed it would be an admin choice and probably wouldn't tell anyone till a while after to avoid fuss and pressure to have a do.

Please can I lay out the situation and you wise Mumsnetters advise me what's the smarter move legally etc?

1 DC. Hoping for 1 more. We would split the parental leave again if we were lucky enough to have another. So no one is being disadvantaged earnings or pension wise for childcare.
One earns 38.5k one earns 42.5k. Split all outgoings. Higher earner pays more for holidays, treats, stuff for DC but not loads. Mortgage in joint names and the type where if 1 dies the other becomes the sole owner.
We have named one another as beneficiary on our pensions.
We both have life insurance with the other names as beneficiary.
DP has about 5k debt left from before the relationship which he's paying off on a low interest loan, 2.5 years to go.
We have 2k joint debt sitting on an interest free credit card we are chipping away at (from last parental leave and doing up some of the house). That credit card is in my name.

We are very content in our relationship. Don't desire marriage or a wedding for romantic reasons.
Are we being foolish and losing out on advantages of marriage or have we got it covered?

Thank you if you've read this far. Advice really appreciated.

OP posts:
5zeds · 12/08/2021 19:54

I think the inheritance tax and who decides on medical treatment are key.

Original poster
justforthisQ · 12/08/2021 20:02

@Splendo I think our vague reasons for not wanting to get married are to do with both being feminists and seeing marriage as historically something that's part of the patriarchy that disadvantaged women and at worst enslaved them. We both have a horror of the cost of a trad wedding and we have a half finished house to renovate so want all our spare money for that. I know the wedding day is nothing to do with it though. We would just go to the registry office in jeans and do the job.

However from 10 years or so on Mumsnet I've learned that there are vital legal legal protections built into marriage that lots of women really really should get. Eg. when a woman gives up or reduces her earning power and pension in order to raise joint children or to support her partner's career. That is not my situation at all though.

OP posts:
Reallybadidea · 12/08/2021 20:11

The thing about the next of kin making medical decisions etc is not true. If a patient cannot make decisions for themselves then the medical team will act on their best interests, speaking to close family. This would include an unmarried partner.

However, one (almost unthinkable) thing to consider is that your dp does not have parental responsibility for any future children until you have registered the birth and named them as the father. The husband of a married couple is automatically assumed to be the father and can register the birth themselves. I was recently involved in a desperately sad situation where a mother died shortly after her baby was born. Her dp was unable to take their baby home from hospital until he'd been to court as they weren't married. An incredibly traumatic situation made even worse. Obviously incredibly unlikely to happen but maybe something to consider if you're planning more children.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Marriage & partnerships
Hercisback · 12/08/2021 20:12

It's the medical/death stuff that got me. I'd be financially worse off if we split but at least if the worst happened, DH could deal with it (at least logistically.

Original poster
justforthisQ · 12/08/2021 20:14

@Hercisback Do you mean splitting up when married would make you worse off versus if you split and were unmarried? In your situation ?

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 12/08/2021 20:14

Get married. If you're not bothered by a 'wedding' then just go to a registry office.

PadManic · 12/08/2021 20:15

Sounds like you should have a civil partnership (which gives all the same rights as a marriage, but with none of the traditional, patriarchal overtones.) Very cheaply done. You don't even have to say any words, just sign a piece of paper.

Currently you are not related to each other, so if one of you died, the death would be registered by a relative such as a parent or sibling i.e. not you.

Rainbowqueeen · 12/08/2021 20:18

A married women is also entitled to a widows pension if her husband dies. So another financial benefit.

Something else to bear in mind Is that any directions about life insurance etc can be unilaterally changed by one person if you are not married. If you are married then they can’t be.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/08/2021 20:20

@SummerHouse

Mumsnet will say categorically yes and you are dammed to hell if you don't with a catastrophic list of horrific what if's.

I say why should you if you have no desire to? Me and DP are happily unmarried with lots of reasons for this decision.

Same here.
Hercisback · 12/08/2021 20:27

Yes I mean splitting up now we are married would make me financially worse off. However the other benefits outweighed this cost (to me).

It really is a personal decision but I wanted DH to be able to sort things if needed.

HappydaysArehere · 12/08/2021 20:30

@Stretchandsnap

You pay Inheritance tax on your joint home if you are not married if it is above the threshold - if you are married you don’t
That is a very good point. Also if you both die your children can claim both tax allowances so probably almost tax free. As said before there are other things to consider simply because you have an advantage in making decisions as next of kin. More reasons to have a small, simple wedding than not. Also simpler when your child goes to school if parents have same name.
LillyLeaf · 12/08/2021 20:31

You could get a civil partnership which has the same rights as marriage.

PrincessNutella · 12/08/2021 20:32

My best friend in the UK lived with her partner for many years, then got married shortly before he died of cancer. It was a very good thing she did, because she then got his pension and somehow it sorted out their house and she was left in a very good financial position which she otherwise would not be.

Original poster
justforthisQ · 12/08/2021 20:33

No one would change their name and DC has my surname and his dad's last name as a middle name. We would follow the same pattern for future DC.

Really appreciate all the advice.

OP posts:
DGFB · 12/08/2021 20:39

We got married for the simple reason of inheritance tax. Everything worse was taken care of but this. The next of kin thing is rubbish, every medic I know says they always consult the life partner heavily

AuntieJoyce · 12/08/2021 20:51

Once you’re married your assets are only yours until you decide to split up. At that point you need to either agree who they belong to or the court will.

AuntieJoyce · 12/08/2021 20:52

@Rainbowqueeen

A married women is also entitled to a widows pension if her husband dies. So another financial benefit.

Something else to bear in mind Is that any directions about life insurance etc can be unilaterally changed by one person if you are not married. If you are married then they can’t be.

@Rainbowqueeen can you elaborate on second para I’m not following that
Toddlerteaplease · 12/08/2021 20:54

NOK is a bit of a myth. It gives you no rights whatsoever over your relative/ partner.

Chunkymenrock · 12/08/2021 21:01

I don't know about any of the other points, but for me, my 20 year marriage has become an absolute shackle that is going to be hell to disentangle myself from. I would NEVER marry again.

Englishrosegarden · 12/08/2021 21:01

We've been happily unmarried for over 30 yrs now. We have several grandchildren and neither one of us has ever wanted to be married.

I had breast cancer a couple of years ago and that made us look at what happens when one of us dies. So as soon as civil partnerships became law last year we booked one (fortunately got it done the week before lockdown).

This just makes all the legal things simpler for the one left behind or for the kids if we both die together.

felulageller · 12/08/2021 21:16

If you are financially independent you are better staying unmarried. Divorces are expensive.

Marriage is only beneficial to women who sacrifice their careers.

Rainbowqueeen · 12/08/2021 21:19

@AuntieJoyce I mean that you can agree that you will both name each other as beneficiaries of your life insurance but one of you can change your mind and change that and name a third party instead and the other person in the relationship can’t do anything about it.

Whereas if you are married you can claim on that basis. If you are not married you gave no right to do that

Gatehouse77 · 12/08/2021 21:20

Our only reasons for getting legally married were for financial and legal reasons (relevant at the time):

  1. Married tax allowance
  2. No death duty
  3. DH would have legal rights for the children
  4. Next of kin for emergencies

Nobody knew about that event but we did have a 'wedding' with family and friends too.

NowEvenBetter · 12/08/2021 22:00

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Assume you knew all this before you had a kid with a boyfriend, but there might be some stuff you didn’t know already.

helterskelter3 · 12/08/2021 22:07

Civil partnership?