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I think my friend is using me and I need to deal with it

47 replies

SparklesandGold · 10/08/2021 21:58

I’ve been friends with this woman (let’s call her Sharon) for a few years now.

I’ve always found her to be a bit of a user but it’s really becoming more obvious now to me.

She only recently passed her driving test and I used to give her lifts to places on plenty of occasions, I never once asked her for petrol money and she never once offered (I’m not saying she would need to offer every journey, but maybe if she offered now and again, that said, I probably wouldn’t take it but that’s not the point)

Anytime I’ve suggested going out for coffee it’s always “oh I’ve no money, I’m so broke” and she said once “oh it’s your treat” when she’s never actually treated me to coffee!! - I’ve actually offered to pay before and she’s said “oh I couldn’t do that, I’d feel bad”

There’s always a sob story about how she has no money.

She’s made me pay for things before in the shop, she has paid me back at times, but recently I bought her something, she said she’d pay me back and she never did.

Ever since she started driving I’ve actually noticed she bothers with me less. This is nothing new, but it was always me texting her and asking her to go out, half the time she’d say no.

Recently I’ve Noticed she doesn’t really reply to my text messages anymore, she reads them but doesn’t reply as much.

When she asked me to pick her up from somewhere recently, I said yes but I’ll not be there at her exact time as I was busy, and she said “oh fuck that’s a bit late”

Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy her friendship, I’ve had difficulties these last few months and she has listened to me and allowed me to talk about it but this is annoying me.

Should I confront her and give her a chance to explain? I’m a nice person but I’m not going to allow her to use me.

Part of me thought about just cutting her off but I don’t think that is fair without giving her a chance to improve, that will tell me if she’s a genuine friend or not.

What do you all think I should do?

OP posts:
Knittedfairies · 10/08/2021 22:05

I don't think you'd get any sort of an explanation that would satisfy you; she's unlikely to 'improve' her behaviour. I'd stop texting or contacting her in any way and wait to see what happens. At least you'll know how important - or not - you are to her.

SparklesandGold · 10/08/2021 22:14

@Knittedfairies

I don't think you'd get any sort of an explanation that would satisfy you; she's unlikely to 'improve' her behaviour. I'd stop texting or contacting her in any way and wait to see what happens. At least you'll know how important - or not - you are to her.
Yeah last time I texted her was two weeks ago and she hasn’t messaged me once in that time.

I’m not saying I want us to be in contact every single day but a message from time to time would be nice.

She just doesn’t bother. Its really quite hurtful

OP posts:
vincettenoir · 11/08/2021 01:36

That does sound hurtful. Sorry, it must be disappointing when you had invested in the friendship.

54321nought · 11/08/2021 01:44

She is who she is, no, don't "give her a chance to "Improve"" Hmm

accept and enjoy the friendship that is on offer, or back off, those are your options - she doesn't owe you anything, and you are not in a position to expect anything of her other than her being herself.

Take it or leave it, basically

Susannahmoody · 11/08/2021 02:17

What knitted said. Just stop contacting her.

Shelddd · 11/08/2021 02:19

You don't get to dictate how someone behaves in a friendship. Unless what they're doing is really abusive I wouldn't even mention it. Either accept it how it is or move on.

LordOfTheThings · 11/08/2021 05:20

I wouldn't message her either.

Alonelonelyloner · 11/08/2021 07:23

No leave her to it. See how long it is before she messages you and then see if she has just messaged you to meet up as she wants you to do something for her and then you have your very clear answer. You then say no and walk away. She is taking you for a mug.

So instead of giving her the chance to improve you are giving her the rope to...you know what I mean.

dubyalass · 11/08/2021 08:51

I have just distanced myself from a former friend who has behaved similarly recently. I realised that she expected me to always be available for her, clearly because she thought I didn't have much going on in my life, but she was also quick to drop me for a better offer. I think it's been a shock to her that I pushed back and said no, but I was getting really fed up with her.

For instance, she knows I have a good deposit to buy a house. One day, she rang me in a tizz saying she would never be able to buy a house (low salary, expensive area) and would I ever buy a house with a friend? I said no, absolutely not, and she was rather off with me. But we live 250 miles apart, she wants to move down here and I think she saw me as a cash cow to suit her own ends. I don't think it occurred to her that I would need to get something out of the arrangement too. She hadn't thought it through at all, but that made me even more resolute to not get involved with her dramas. I haven't missed her so far.

dubyalass · 11/08/2021 08:53

I found it interesting that I got to know her through old friends, but they don't bother to keep up with her much - now I understand why. She's also less than complimentary about some of her friends, which makes me wonder what she says about me!

Galassia · 11/08/2021 09:07

No money but could afford driving lessons?

Ye she is a user. Drop her and move on.

LittleOverWhelmed · 11/08/2021 09:14

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Stormyequine · 11/08/2021 09:20

Just based on what you have written here, it looks like she got free lifts from the friendship, you got someone to listen to your problems. She now doesn't need the lifts, so the friendship is not as important to her now. I appreciate there might be more to it, but that is how it reads from the information given. I'd let it drift as it doesn't seem like a friendship worth keeping.

AnonymousCheerleader · 11/08/2021 09:34

She's not your project.

Cut her off and move on.

pinkyredrose · 11/08/2021 09:36

She's not a friend to you. Dump her.

NinaBallerinaShoes · 11/08/2021 09:39

@pinkyredrose

She's not a friend to you. Dump her.
Yep.
leavingtime · 11/08/2021 11:06

She's a 'taker' and draining your generosity of spirit. She is not going to change her manipulative ways or her 'victim' approach to life.

I'd have nothing to do with her, she sounds awful. Friendships should be built on mutual give and take and respect. Move on.

Hoppinggreen · 11/08/2021 11:10

What do you mean “give her chance to explain”?
She’s hardly going to say yes, you are right I have been a bit of a using cow but I will from now in change my whole personality. Let me start by treating you to an expensive meal out this weekend.
You know who she is, decide whether to put up with it or not

SparklesandGold · 11/08/2021 11:27

Hi everyone.

Yeah I just thought by approaching her about it would mean she’d know there’s a problem as I’d be making her aware of it and by giving her a chance to explain is me thinking that perhaps maybe she doesn’t realise how her behaviour comes across and that giving her a chance to correct that will prove whether or not she actually wants me as a friend.

I’ve been cut off by a friend before because of a mistake I made and it wasn’t pleasant. I’d rather give her a chance than just cutting her off automatically

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 11/08/2021 11:30

@SparklesandGold

Hi everyone.

Yeah I just thought by approaching her about it would mean she’d know there’s a problem as I’d be making her aware of it and by giving her a chance to explain is me thinking that perhaps maybe she doesn’t realise how her behaviour comes across and that giving her a chance to correct that will prove whether or not she actually wants me as a friend.

I’ve been cut off by a friend before because of a mistake I made and it wasn’t pleasant. I’d rather give her a chance than just cutting her off automatically

You're not cutting her off - she appears to be cutting you off. Leave her to it and focus on other friends.
Parentingdilemmas · 11/08/2021 11:44

@SparklesandGold - It sounds like she’s been taking advantage of you. If you really want to hash it out with her go for it but don’t do it with any high expectations. Be prepared to call it quits and not get the resolution you’d hoped for. All the best and in future my advice would be to not let it get that far with a future friendship if there are any signs of being taken advantage off, nip it in the bud right away x

SparklesandGold · 11/08/2021 11:54

[quote Parentingdilemmas]@SparklesandGold - It sounds like she’s been taking advantage of you. If you really want to hash it out with her go for it but don’t do it with any high expectations. Be prepared to call it quits and not get the resolution you’d hoped for. All the best and in future my advice would be to not let it get that far with a future friendship if there are any signs of being taken advantage off, nip it in the bud right away x[/quote]
Yes absolutely. I didn’t want to believe I was being taken advantage of but here I am I guess x

OP posts:
SparklesandGold · 11/08/2021 12:06

I kind of want to text her and tell her I’ve got a new job but I get the feeling she’d just be like oh right okay why are you telling me

OP posts:
LittleOverWhelmed · 11/08/2021 14:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

SparklesandGold · 11/08/2021 18:37

Aw thank you so much Smile yes that’s right.

I guess I’d feel a bit humiliated if she didn’t reply

OP posts: