Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Worried DS will object to a new sibling - help!

49 replies

ezrascatcus · 10/08/2021 11:26

I had my now 6 year old DS when I was quite young by today's standards - 24. I had a very traumatic birth and suffered very badly with PND. On top of that we weren't in a great financial situation for a few years after he was born and all that meant we were "one and done" for quite a long time. We are now in a good, stable financial situation and we would like to have another baby (DS's Dad and I are still together). But I am worried as DS massively objects to the idea of a baby sibling. He's a very noise-sensitive child and gets very distressed by the sound of babies crying. Now I know if we did have a baby there would be no way we could stop it crying. I am worried about doing the wrong thing for DS.

I come from a massive family myself and, while I love my siblings, I spent quite a lot of my childhood wishing I'd been an only. We have a nice life together, the three of us, and it's generally pretty easy. I am very worried about disrupting the status quo. On the other hand we really would like another child.

I don't know what to do for the best. Has anyone had experiences where their first child was very resistant to even the idea of a baby in the house?

OP posts:
EL8888 · 10/08/2021 11:27

It’s not up to him though, it’s to you and your partner. I’m sure lots of children wouldn’t want another sibling if asked!

PotteringAlong · 10/08/2021 11:29

Well, brutally, he will have to get used to it. It’s not his decision to make. And he will get used to it.

Original poster
ezrascatcus · 10/08/2021 11:30

Just to be clear, I'm not asking him his permission, these are discussions in passing when he hears of his friends having siblings etc.

And I remember how I felt as a child, and to be frank I really didn't enjoy having siblings, but that might have been because there were so many of them.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

6 year olds Families
Original poster
ezrascatcus · 10/08/2021 11:41

I always felt like I was never listened to as a child so I try to make sure that he is listened to.

OP posts:
Galassia · 10/08/2021 11:45

Unless he’s a sociopath who might harm a sibling (sarcasm) then it will do him good to have a brother or a sister if he is currently being indulged in his ‘sensitivity’ to the noise that other children make.

Stompythedinosaur · 10/08/2021 11:50

I think it is tricky tbh. He will be too much older to benefit from the new sibling as a playmate, though that doesn't mean he will not benefit from the relationship, particularly as they get older

That said, I don't think your desire for another baby outweighs his needs, realistically it will be hard for a noise sensitive dc to have a crying baby in the house.

Are there any aspects of having a sibling he might be more positive about you could build on? Would he enjoy being the big brother and teaching him things, or anything like that?

Iwonder08 · 10/08/2021 11:57

It won't necessarily 'do him good' to have another sibling. If he has additional needs then having undivided attention from parents is extra important. However it is your decision and if you fell that for you as a family having another child outweighs all the negatives then go for it.

Original poster
ezrascatcus · 10/08/2021 11:58

Are there any aspects of having a sibling he might be more positive about you could build on? Would he enjoy being the big brother and teaching him things, or anything like that?

Yes, I think he would - he's very good with the younger children at this childminder (i.e. the 2/3 year olds) - he enjoys helping them and looking after them etc. It's the noise babies make he objects to.

It's the sibling I have the largest age gap that I get on best with as an adult (9 years between us).

OP posts:
Original poster
ezrascatcus · 10/08/2021 11:58

He doesn't have additional needs, he's just very very sensitive. As I was as a child really, honestly the way we react to things is exactly the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
ezrascatcus · 10/08/2021 12:00

My reasons for thinking it will be good for him to have a sibling are based on my own experiences - in that as a child I often wished I didn't have any, but as an adult I have been profoundly grateful for them. Even though we do bicker and our relationship is not perfect, having other people with the same parents I have has been invaluable. I worry about DS not having that when he gets older.

OP posts:
Duchess379 · 10/08/2021 12:09

Some time during his life, he's going to come across noises he doesn't like & will have to deal with them. If you & your DH want another child, do it. I'm an only child (now 45) & absolutely hate it, even more now I'm older & my parents are getting on & rely on me for help day to day x

chipsandgin · 10/08/2021 12:11

My kids - DS1 & DS 2 are 6 years apart (also had a very traumatic birth, same Dad, thought we were one and done..). DS2 was a ‘surprise’ though so we didn’t go through the thought angst you are as it was a done deal by the time we had to consider the impact on DS1!

We did worry though that DS1 wouldn’t be as happy as we were once he knew. When we told him he said ‘but you say you love me with all your heart and when the new baby comes you’ll only love me with half your heart’ which admittedly was heartbreaking to hear…however once I explained that I would love him exactly the same, my heart/love would just be twice as big he accepted and welcomed his brother & their relationship is lovely. Even now at 11 and 17 when developmentally they are worlds apart.

Your DS would be fine - as long as you make sure you still spend lots of one to one time with him once a baby comes along and provide lots of reassurance and love. As for the noise - babies don’t cry all the time & most of the time they are a joy, older kids are really adaptable & explaining that all the crying is is a babies way of communicating that they are tired or hungry or frustrated that they can’t talk yet they do get it. Plus if he has his own space he can retreat to (maybe do up his room before the baby comes, with his input so he feels he can escape if he needs to!) then he can not be around the noise if it does bother him?

I get why it concerns you but IMO having a sibling and understanding how to share both possessions and people but still feel loved is a good thing, not always easy but totally worth it..go for it OP!

Hellocatshome · 10/08/2021 12:15

Maybe its time for your NT son to become less sensitive. No one likes the sound of babies crying.

pianolessons1 · 10/08/2021 12:16

He won't benefit from having a sibling as a child. The new baby will be at least 7 years younger than him, will affect things like what you can do on days out, holidays etc always having to be aimed at a younger child. And they may or may not be friendly as adults. So you need to be honest - it's your desire for a child rather than to benefit him.

NotAnotherPushyMum · 10/08/2021 12:22

I think that’s a really awkward age gap and he might not cope well with it, regardless of the noise issue. On days out etc they’ll have very different interests and needs.

Whilst it’s not his decision to make, actually I do think you should take his needs into account. Your responsibility is to the child you already have, not the one you would like to have. That doesn’t mean don’t have another but it’s not as simple as ignoring his feelings and doing it regardless.

RedMarauder · 10/08/2021 12:29

If you were as sensitive as your son as a child and coped with having siblings, then why do you think he won't cope?

Original poster
ezrascatcus · 10/08/2021 12:34

Maybe its time for your NT son to become less sensitive

That's a great idea, I hadn't thought of that.

OP posts:
RainingZen · 10/08/2021 12:38

My 2nd baby didnt cry that much. I fed on demand, co-slept and carried him in a sling (he had reflux so being carried helped).

And babies grow up quickly and DS1 will be at school most of the time.

I'd just go for it. I have a brother 6 years older than me, and we got on well as children.

Original poster
ezrascatcus · 10/08/2021 12:44

I have to say I'm not recognising the awkward age gap comments. Def had the worst relationship growing up with my sister who was 2 years younger than me and we almost never played together.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/08/2021 12:52

Be prepared for him to dig out this song at some point.

And do consider you may be projecting your own experience upon him!

user1471538283 · 10/08/2021 12:52

My DF already had a sibling 4 years younger than him that he didn't really get along with. But then his next sibling came along when he was 8 and he was delighted with her from the day she was born.

He named her and he always said that he loved spending time with her because he didn't have to. As adults they were incredibly close.

LadyJaye · 10/08/2021 13:01

Another thing to bear in mind is that (assuming you're not pregnant right now), your son may well be around 8 or 9 by the time his sibling comes along and have matured a wee bit / become a bit more 'robust'?

For what it's worth, there is a large age gap between my siblings and I, and while we didn't play together as children, have a terrific relationship as adults.

Original poster
ezrascatcus · 10/08/2021 13:04

You can see the difficulty though can't you, because the opinions on here are like the opinions IRL - 50% you must give him a sibling or he'll be a "lonely only" ( a stereotype my H, himself a very happy only, detests BTW), 50% you are selfishly allowing your desire for another baby to interfere with your DS's needs.

I honestly feel it's an impossible decision.

OP posts:
Skyla2005 · 10/08/2021 13:09

If he is like this now it will actually do him the world of good ! He will learn the wild doesn't revolve around him and he will be much better for it in the long run

Original poster
ezrascatcus · 10/08/2021 13:12

He's used to other children by the way - we have a big extended family with lots of cousins and he's attended nursery since he was a baby.

He's not got any issues with sharing (frankly I see more kids with siblings with those issues) and nor does he think "the world revolves around him". Really resent ignorant stereotypes about only children. I'm one of five and I STILL have noise sensitivity (and am generally sensitive). I had it age 5 and I have it now. It's not a personality failing.

OP posts: