Worried DS will object to a new sibling - help!

[ezrascatcus]

I had my now 6 year old DS when I was quite young by today's standards - 24. I had a very traumatic birth and suffered very badly with PND. On top of that we weren't in a great financial situation for a few years after he was born and all that meant we were "one and done" for quite a long time. We are now in a good, stable financial situation and we would like to have another baby (DS's Dad and I are still together). But I am worried as DS massively objects to the idea of a baby sibling. He's a very noise-sensitive child and gets very distressed by the sound of babies crying. Now I know if we did have a baby there would be no way we could stop it crying. I am worried about doing the wrong thing for DS.

I come from a massive family myself and, while I love my siblings, I spent quite a lot of my childhood wishing I'd been an only. We have a nice life together, the three of us, and it's generally pretty easy. I am very worried about disrupting the status quo. On the other hand we really would like another child.

I don't know what to do for the best. Has anyone had experiences where their first child was very resistant to even the idea of a baby in the house?

He gets to choose how many children he has, OP, and you get to choose how many you have. Did you or your oldest sibling instruct your DM whether to have another child?

I would say the references to it being an awkward gap is because of thr different stages the dc will be at. With dc a few years apart there is an overlap in what activities they like, with dc further apart the older one can do things independently. With this gap there will be a lot of doing things for the little one that are very boring for the eldest. That isn't to say you shouldn't do it, of course.

I think it really comes down to how much you want a baby vs how difficult it will be for your ds. I don't really buy the argument that the baby would make him less of a "lonely only" - I am sure he isn't lonely anyway, and I can't see how a sibling so much younger would be a playmate.

For me it would depend on whether you think he would genuinely hate it and a sibling would decrease his quality of life, or whether you think he is just opposed to the idea but would get used it.

Did you or your oldest sibling instruct your DM whether to have another child?

No, but I can remember crying my eyes out and feeling like the world was ending every time she said she was going to have another baby. I had loving parents but that house was chaos.

Presumably many but not all only chIldren might have equally wished or cried their eyes out for a sibling. If you are having a second then perhaps your household would be less chaotic than one with five siblings you remember? You mentioned your DS objecting to a crying baby. For what % of your DS life would their sibling be a baby and cry? 2%? There are many reasons to have a single child, some of which are involuntary but imagine explaining to your adult DS that he is an only child because you judged he would object for the reasons you've set out in your posts.

Good luck.

Our extended family all have big ish gaps of 4 years plus just due to circumstances rather than being planned that way. The older siblings have all adjusted absolutely fine and I’ve not seen much jealousy. If anything the younger one gets taken to activities a bit old for them rather than taking the older ones to ‘baby’ activities.

I don’t know about the noise issue. If he has his own room could he go and sit there if baby crying a lot? Our second baby hardly cried (first one did!!)

The sibling relationship is different with a big gap but it can still be a positive one.

We tend to mix up cousins too so older ones go out together and younger ones go somewhere different. Then they get the close friendship type sibling relationship with their cousins but we all live quite close.

We obviously had a massive age range as children but I don't recall ever having the "different interests
" issue - maybe because we didn't really do organised activities as children these days seem to. Like a day on the beach is equally enjoyable for a 3 year old and a 10 year old. And I guess if we only had two kids DH and I would split our time between them if they wanted to do different activities/see different films.

DS has his own room and could definitely find somewhere to be quiet.

You don't make life decisions of that magnitude on whether or not a 6 yo will like it

When you're old and grey don't you think DS would like someone to share responsibility with if you end up needing support/ care.

When you're old and grey don't you think DS would like someone to share responsibility with if you end up needing support/ care.

I'm sure he would but siblings are no guarantee of that, I have several friends with siblings who take on all the care of their elderly parents with no help whatsoever from siblings.

My DM is still young but I guarantee when that time comes for her at least three of my siblings will be no use.

Very true I suppose. At least someone else to talk to and have a shared background with when older.

@ezrascatcus

We have also found this- beach is fun for everyone as are certain parks etc. Some things- e.g swimming we divide and conquer. We make sure it’s not always me with the baby and dad with older child. I was also worried about our older DC but it’s been fine

If you want a second child and you’re able to have one then I would go for it.

I agree having someone with a shared childhood is nice. I could always see all the advantages of two, it's just that I genuinely didn't want another until very recently and no way was I going to have another baby just to give DS a sibling- that way disaster lies IMO.

We have a lovely little life at the moment, very easy, very comfortable, and I do worry another baby would be like lobbing a hand grenade into it.

I don’t know, if you didn’t like having siblings and he doesn’t want one, why the strong urge to add one? Mumsnet tends to be very pro adding more children, but is it really for the best for you?

tinierclanger

I didn't as a child, but I'm grateful for them as an adult. & don't forget I was one of five - that's a lot. We didn't have much money and we didn't have a big house either. & my mum, while loving and kind, was and still is extremely chaotic and disorganised. Maybe if I'd only been one of two my experience as a child would have been different.

I am in no way saying you should base your decision on my comment, but I was a very happy only child who would, all throughout my early years and teen years, have unreservedly hated having a sibling. I couldn't have imagined anything worse, either at the time or looking back. I have never liked babies, something that never altered despite exposure to them or "becoming more robust", and tbh the sound of a baby crying is like nails on a chalkboard to me too so I empathise with your son.

I was fortunate that my parents only ever wanted one (they used to threaten me with a sibling if I misbehaved! ). My parents both have siblings and it's no guarantee of lifelong friendship or support, my mum and one of her brothers never got on at all and were practically estranged by their 40s.

I do take on board what everyone else is saying about how things could work out though and I hope I haven't fully put you off if you really do want another. Best of luck.

Puddington
No, thank you - it's always nice to hear from happy onlies as so much of the narrative is that you must all have hated it!!

If you want another baby, have one. I’m sure as children we all would have like to have been an only child. I did. I am so bloody glad I have siblings as an adult though. FWI, there’s an 8 year age gap between one of my siblings.
Kids get jealous and bicker and argue…fact. I don’t know anyone that isn’t grateful to have siblings though.

I don’t think having a sibling is better or worse really, it’s just a different life. I’ve got 2 kids and a sibling myself, but I’ve known plenty of people perfectly happy as onlies. I’ve also known more than one person who added a second child, but actually got twins, or a child with a severe disability, all things you have to consider too, along with the risk you’ll get PND again.

I’m not trying to be a huge downer on it, but I think it’s worth balancing out the “it’s all good” posts, if you’re not sure yourself.

If he is sensitive it may be good to have a sibling to help him cope after you both die.

Yes, my mental health is another major consideration.

I also don't hold with the "you'll never regret the children you have, only the ones you don't have" viewpoint. I suspect plenty of people do regret it but can't say as it is too taboo.

If he is sensitive it may be good to have a sibling to help him cope after you both die.

You know this is interesting as I was thinking about this WRT when the time comes for my own mum and I almost feel like having my siblings around will make it worse because I'll constantly have reminders of her. OTOH maybe that will be a good thing, I don't know.

Yes, exactly this. It's just a different life.

I was a very happy only, so much so that DD will also be an only and I don't feel like she will be missing out – quite the opposite. I never wanted a sibling, but you just end up living with whatever you have. Some sibling relationships will be great, others won't. No way of knowing. But it's your life and you just make of it what you will, and you don't know any different.

DH has siblings who he does obviously love but he admits he would have been happy as an only child as that's just his kind of personality.

Anyway I think you have a second because you want another child, not for any fictional future relationship your children might have with each other or with the goal of them being playmates, as you've no way of knowing.

And in my own family, adult sibling relationships are fraught and have caused issues with taking care of elderly relatives. While I may have to look after my parents myself, I can at least make the decisions I need to by myself. My mum ended up shouldering most of the care (women usually do) while being totally hamstrung by my uncles' opinions on how their parents should be cared for (when they lived thousands of miles away and had no intention of coming back to help out).

So have another child because you want one, not for any future relationship your children may or may not have with each other. I made my own bigger family of close friends - only children often do.

OP, you seem to be thinking that your chaotic home life as a child was because you had so many siblings but that may well not be the case. A second child would undoubtedly add more unpredictability to your lives, that needn’t descent into chaos if you and DH are both organised people.

I’m from a big family and know many more - we’re Catholic so even with the current generation (my siblings and cousins) having less than three children is unusual. And the vast majority are organised households - tidy, clean, children have lots of structured activities etc.

With the age gap, there are 5 years between me and my next sibling with 10 years between eldest and youngest. While we didn’t all play much together as children, there were loads of things we did together (beaches for example) as well as age appropriate things where not everyone went (eg older ones went to theme park with massive rides and on a different day the younger went to a smaller theme park with little rides). As adults the age gaps are irrelevant tbh.

I know what you mean. DS was an only child for 5 years before his brother came along. Fives years with just the three of us felt like a long time. He was very settled on his life and routine and I worried about turning his world upside with such a massive change. 3 years on he still talks about how life was before his brother and talks of it fondly but he is the best big brother and is so patient and kind with LO. Too much of an age difference to play but they have such a sweet relationship.