What can I do for MIL today to cheer her up?

[Arsebucket]

It was her birthday yesterday. We went by sunday to drop off cards and a couple of token gifts, we dropped at door step as she currently has BIL kids - one of whom came down with a temperature and sore throat and they were awaiting PCR results at the time (more on that in a bit).

Dh called her yesterday afternoon to say happy birthday, see how her day was.

FIL had forgotten yet again. 45 years of marriage, he’s remembered her birthday a handful of times. Despite Dh jogging him a few days beforehand each year.

BIL and SIL, who are on honeymoon didn’t call, haven’t bothered to even call to speak to their kids or enquire about the PCR test for their youngest or even to ask how she’s feeling.

MIL is lovely, very stoic and said it is what it is, she’s 69, not 5, so she will get over it.

Backstory is, BIL and SIL got married last week (there is a history between dh and his brother, we didn’t go), and immediately went on honeymoon for two weeks leaving their 3 children with PIL. FIL is a bit of a selfish knob so it’s MIL who picks up the slack. Not a surprise to anyone as they have been taking the piss out of MIL for years with childcare etc, last minute weekends if they decide to go out on a whim.

She’s knackered, pissed off, really upset that BIL and SIL haven’t even asked about the child she had to text to tell them was ill and needed testing because they didn’t answer their phones (test came back negative, no one else has any symptoms and the child is better).

The most she got from sister in law was a text saying “if she is positive, you’ll have to let everyone at the wedding and the venue know
I can send you a list” Cheeky sod.

No card from FIL or BIL.

I want to do something nice for her today. She’s going to leave FIL to fend for himself with the kids for a change and come here alone for a couple of hours. Dh is going to take the afternoon off and cook her a lovely lunch, I guess there’s not much else we can do is there?

I just feel really bad for her.

You sound lovely and so kind. She will really appreciate your support

Are you able to take the DC out somewhere, even if it's just to the park for a couple of hours?

Take her out for lunch and a walk round a park, garden centre etc? Cocktails and shopping?

Or obligatory spa day for MIL? FIL and DH can mind the DCs?

Dh asked if she wanted to go out to lunch, he was going to find a nice quiet place to take her just the two of them, but she said she didn’t really feel up to going out. She was expected to do a lot in the run up to the wedding and said on the day, she wasn’t a guest she was the childcare and help, she didn’t even get to eat her meal, bless her and she’s finding having the children there in the holidays hard.

It’s hard for us to help with the the children as we don’t know them. Until recently we lived 200 miles away and dh and his brother aren’t close at all, not seen each other in many years.

We’ve never even met the two youngest and the oldest one twice.

Shitty situation really.

Completely depends on the person, you’ll know best, but maybe just saying out loud that everyone is taking you for granted. Helped a relative of mine to hear it out loud and to know someone else saw it. She still lets people walk all over her but every so often she’ll say no and do something for herself.

I’m thinking of getting her something belated, for once the children have gone home.

She loves afternoon teas so I might try and get a booking for somewhere in a few weeks so dh can take her and treat her for an afternoon.

You both sound lovely! FIL, BIL and SIL not so much.
I think cooking her a lovely lunch and some flowers or something and like you said, something she can do once the children have gone.
She sounds like a saint!

Oh that sounds awful. Your BIL and SIL need a rocket up them, can your DH have a proper word with them when they come back. Make them realise what piss takers they are?

Take her flowers for now if she likes them, the afternoon tea idea sounds nice.

You could get something sent to her from Betty's if you're not close enough for DH to take her.

She would probably just appreciate the peace and quiet and relaxing afternoon

The more you make it clear you appreciate her and can see how much she does, the more likely it is to dawn on her how selfish the other lot are. With encouragement she might find it in herself to stand up to the lot of them and start saying 'no'! But I suspect it's a long journey, and that she's long been conditioned into niceness.
You both sound so lovely and supportive. Don't underestimate the good effects of being just that.

@BarbaraofSeville

Oh that sounds awful. Your BIL and SIL need a rocket up them, can your DH have a proper word with them when they come back. Make them realise what piss takers they are?

Take her flowers for now if she likes them, the afternoon tea idea sounds nice.

You could get something sent to her from Betty's if you're not close enough for DH to take her.

That’s mainly the reason they fell out in the first place. BIL has been taking the piss forever and when he and SIL had children it got worse. MIL just does it for the children really, if she says no to having them, she is told they will just be left with “friends of friends” and then she worries about them so it’s easier for her to have them.

It’s horrible.

If she says no to having them, she is told they will just be left with “friends of friends

The chances are though that this isn’t true. Which “friends of friends” are taking 3 kids for 2 weeks?! If she said no they would just have to look after them. They are emotionally blackmailing her and she is enabling them.

I do feel for your MiL, but equally you cannot allow yourself to be treated like a doormat and then moan you are being walked over.

sounds like a homemade lunch and a nice quiet afternoon with her feet up on your sofa and the tv controls might suit!

The only thing she could do is say "NO!" to bil and sil a bit more often, pretty sure their friends also realise they are pisstaking cfs and they will run out of favours soon enough and maybe appreciate MIL a bit more.

Sounds like your BIL takes after your FIL and has married an equally entitled twat.

Your FIL unfortunately is unlikely to change;he's I'm assuming lates 60's or older and set in his ways.Your PIL come from a very patriarchal generation where women aren't shown that much consideration and are expected to be put up with domestic drudgery.

2 weeks away without kids in the school holidays is taking the piss really;I get it's their honeymoon but when you're getting married and have kids it's abit different;a week would have been more acceptable.

Well done to you and your DH for showing your MIL the care and respect she deserves;sounds like your DH takes after his lovely mum.

Also is it possible to book her a local spa day once your nieces/nephews have gone home?;let her relax and be pampered.

I’ve wanted to book her something just for herself as long as I’ve known her. But FIL can’t cope on his own even for a day.

She does everything.

The first time I met them, I went for sunday lunch. FIL said he was thirsty, she got up from the table and got him a drink. He dropped he fork, she ran to the kitchen and got him another. I’d never seen anything like that before.

She’s told me so many stories over the years, I had terrible sickness in pregnancies and couldn’t do a thing, she would tell me that when she did too, FIL would still insist his dinner was ready when he got in from work and that he wouldn’t stop wanting leeks which made her throw up as she was cooking them. She had to leave hospital sooner than she wanted after dcs, a couple of ops she’s had because he can’t even make himself a sandwich.

FIL was equally amazed and horrified when I was pregnant/post partum/i’ve been ill etc that dh just steps up and does all housework, childcare, cooking, and goes to work when I’m not up to it without acting like it’s the end of the world. It just doesn’t compute to him that a man could be a grown up.

I don’t know why she puts up with it all. We don’t ask her for a thing. When she sees our children it’s usually here and for the fun bits. We’ve never asked her for childcare as this should be her time to enjoy her life.

I wish she would just go away somewhere nice with dh for a weekend and leave FIL to it.

I mean if course he can make a bloody sandwich. He just chooses not to and will feign fucking starvation even if MIL takes herself shopping for an afternoon.

sorry for the rant. I really dislike him.

If she doesn't want to go out, get a nice lunch in from wherever you can, spending a little bit more than you normally would eg supermarket top brand fo hey favourite foods.
Make the table look nice - table cloth, bunch of flowers etc. Make up a small treat hamper for her to take home eg a nice hand cream, book token, bar of chocolate etc (just a few bits you can grab when buying that food).

@purpledagger

If she doesn't want to go out, get a nice lunch in from wherever you can, spending a little bit more than you normally would eg supermarket top brand fo hey favourite foods. Make the table look nice - table cloth, bunch of flowers etc. Make up a small treat hamper for her to take home eg a nice hand cream, book token, bar of chocolate etc (just a few bits you can grab when buying that food).

That’s an excellent Idea. I’m popping out in a bit to get everything, I’ll get her some nice little things too.

Can you drop off some lovely flowers? (I go to M&S in my opinion they do the best flowers,) or make up a hamper for afternoon tea and pop it round?

After the kids have gone do the garden centre thing, one with a cafe where you can have a nice lunch or even just coffee.

You are the Dil I hope I get!

@thenewduchessofhastings

Sounds like your BIL takes after your FIL and has married an equally entitled twat.

Your FIL unfortunately is unlikely to change;he's I'm assuming lates 60's or older and set in his ways.Your PIL come from a very patriarchal generation where women aren't shown that much consideration and are expected to be put up with domestic drudgery.

2 weeks away without kids in the school holidays is taking the piss really;I get it's their honeymoon but when you're getting married and have kids it's abit different;a week would have been more acceptable.

Well done to you and your DH for showing your MIL the care and respect she deserves;sounds like your DH takes after his lovely mum.

Thing is, even if they’re late 60s it doesn’t have to be like that! My parents are late 60s and my father has never been a patriarchal twat like OP's FIL. He’s always, always stepped up and done his equal share of housework, childcare, and now with my DS he’s the kindest most hands-on grandpa you could ask for (and definitely does more nappies than my DM 😂)

His father now, he was a patriarchal twat and set the most appalling example in how he treated my DGM. Fortunately my father has learned how not to be that man.

There's no excuse. His age and upbringing doesn’t have to dictate his behaviour. OP's FIL is more than old enough to know what he’s doing. He’s just an entitled knob who has taught his other son (BIL) to be an entitled knob.

Back to the original question, I think PP's suggestion of a lovely lunch and some feet up time with her DS/DDIL/DGC would be the best thing today - she isn’t going to enjoy being whisked out for lunch when she’s feeling rather low and put out by her unpleasant relatives. But definitely worth asking if she fancies an afternoon tea, meal out or just some quality time with the son who appreciates her (and his family) would make up for her disappointment yesterday.

This is reminding me of my mother's now late husband - literally didn't lift a finger, and if I went out with her anywhere it always had to be cut short so she could go home and make his lunch / dinner. We once had plans for a day out shopping, and when I got there she made some excuse about why we weren't going - later on in the day he said 'it's a shame you and your mother can't go out today isn't it, but my brother is coming over later to watch the rugby and she needs to be here to heat up and serve the 'nibbles''. I was fuming.

Poor MIL - I think all you can do is show her how much you appreciate her and I think a PPs idea of setting the table nicely and buying her some flowers / nice bits and pieces to take home is excellent.

I’m just hoping she’ll be able to relax this afternoon.

She’s also got dh older brother back home living with her too as he’s unwell at the moment so that’s more stress for her. He’s usually okay but can’t help out much due to some physical problems.

Dh is so pissed off at his brother for leaving the children with her for two weeks while she’s dealing with her ill son as well.

I’ve wanted to book her something just for herself as long as I’ve known her. But FIL can’t cope on his own even for a day.

Tough shit! It's about time he did! Pathetic poor excuse for a man 😡

Some posh coffee or tea and a selection of cream cakes from the supermarket when you go

She'd probably like some time just chatting to you both and being the centre of attention for once in her life. But a few treats as well would be lovely too.

Honestly, what an entitled lot. I hope she doesn't blame herself for them all being so selfish - apart from your DH of course!