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Original poster

Preparing the DCs for a funeral - tips please

30 replies

FGSWhatNow · 09/08/2021 14:53

Sadly, we need to attend a family funeral at the end of the week. Due to a combination of circumstances, the DCs now have to come with us**

Does anyone have any tips or recommendations for speaking to them in advance about what will happen? Eg any online resources that you've found useful or a book I could Amazon Prime? (It will be a traditional CofE service and committal at the local church, in case it's relevant).

The older one has been to a funeral before, the little one hasn't and is likely to have A LOT of questions! I know kids always surprise with the things they want to know but I'd like to cover off the main questions before the day if possible.

Thanks in advance.

** Please, no debates about whether the DCs should go or not, that's for another thread. They are going, I just need to find the best way of preparing them.

OP posts:
Original poster
FGSWhatNow · 09/08/2021 14:57

(I should have mentioned, the DCs didn't know the deceased particularly well, so it's advice around managing the funeral itself rather than helping them to manage grief, iykwim)

OP posts:
BareGrylls · 09/08/2021 14:59

You don't give their ages which is hugely relevant.

leeds2glasgow · 09/08/2021 15:03

Depends how old 🤷‍♀️

WorrisomeHeart · 09/08/2021 15:03

My two DS have been to 2 funerals within 6 months this year, after losing both my PIL in quick succession. Youngest is 6, he did have a lot of questions which I tried to answer honestly. My main focus was ensuring he knew what to do when in the service - that he needed to keep still and quiet so that the service could happen, that it was likely that we’d all be very sad, and that we needed to say goodbye. I looked for CBeebies episodes that might help (something like Topsy and Tim going to a funeral would have been good!) but couldn’t find anything. As it was, the biggest issue was he didn’t want to wear the black shirt!
My 10 year old took it in his stride but felt the loss more. I was so proud of them both when, at the second funeral, they were comforting each other. I hope it goes well for you all.

Shapesorted · 09/08/2021 15:05

Most important information has been left out..... Could be anything from 4 to 14!

gogohm · 09/08/2021 15:11

How old are they? Are they familiar with the church? If you are local, call the church and see if you take them around this week before and you can tell them what will happen, where they will sit etc. I manage a church and have done this several times for families in your position

Corneliusmurphy · 09/08/2021 15:16

I used school assembly as a comparison; as in be quiet and respectful and listen to the person at the front. c of e school so familiar with the Lord’s Prayer and had been to the local church several times, so they had the gist.
They were quite nervous before hand but behaved really well (possibly could’ve slowed down a bit on the prayer bit but I think they got excited as they knew the words!)

Original poster
FGSWhatNow · 09/08/2021 16:42

Bugger, sorry! I edited the post and took out the bit with their ages! They're a grown-up 7 and 4.

OP posts:
Original poster
FGSWhatNow · 09/08/2021 16:47

Good idea about taking them to church beforehand. We can't get to the funeral church but we can go to our local one. We often walk through the churchyard so we've had conversations about the graves before. Also like the comparison to school assembly, the older one will get that. I'm not particularly concerned about their behaviour - they'll sit still and be quiet (famous last words). The risk is the little one asking questions at the wrong moment about what's going on...

OP posts:
Knittingupastorm · 09/08/2021 16:48

I think as well as explaining the facts around the service eg what is going to happen, I’d also perhaps talk to them about how other people may be upset. I went to a funeral around that age and the worst part was adults crying because for a child that was quite worrying in a way. I don’t know though, maybe that was just me, I was a fairly easily worried child!

venusandmars · 09/08/2021 16:54

Think through all the (age-appropriate) terms that you use...

my dn was at his grandparent's funeral - all had been to explained to him about how the body would be in the coffin etc... In the middle of the ceremony dn (age 6) said "Mum! Mum!" (yes) "you said the body would be in the coffin... but where has the head gone?"

For dn at age 6 he though of a drawing - with a head, a body, 2 legs and 2 arms...

For myself, the first cremation I went to, I was sure I could see the 'flames' that the coffin was going into. Reassure them that this is not what happens.

Teaandakitkat · 09/08/2021 16:54

Make sure they know what's going to happen. Ds nearly fell out of his chair trying to watch the coffin be lowered down the first time we went to a crematorium then asked lots of loud questions about what exactly happened next.

NorthernDramaLlama · 09/08/2021 16:55

Sorry for your loss. We attended a family member's funeral recently. DP went to the committal. DC, aged similar to your eldest, and I didn't. Quite a large grave yard, we wandered about and looked at flowers and tomb stones and pondered what would be put on family member's. We (adults) agreed seeing the coffin lowered would just be too much for DC.

Original poster
FGSWhatNow · 09/08/2021 17:12

Thank you for the further responses. venusandmars The question about the head is totally the sort of thing I can imagine DC2 coming out with! I'd wondered about the committal too, NorthernDramaLama. The funeral is for my relative and DH is a bearer so I feel that I want to be there for that part, but I agree it might be a bit much for the DCs. I'll think how I can hang back with them so that I they're not "centre stage", as it were.

OP posts:
CormoranStrike · 09/08/2021 17:16

Warn them adults may cry, but equally that afterwards people may share happy stories and laugh.

Ask them to be quiet and sit still in church, like at a school assembly.

Bribe them with a treat for later if required!

123rd · 09/08/2021 17:17

I would suggest sitting(towards/) at the back of the pews in case you do need to leave with either child
I found the graveside part of the service quite lengthy. Would the children be ok with this after sitting inside for so long for the service?
Agree with PP , not just the actual facts of what will happen but need to speak with dc about how some people may be v upset etc.

Original poster
FGSWhatNow · 09/08/2021 17:28

Ha ha, funny you should mention, CormoranStrike, I told them that after the church we'll be going back to a relatives house for tea, they had a very earnest discussion in the back of the car about whether they would choose cake or biscuits. They will respond well to bribery Grin

OP posts:
AbsolutelyPatsy · 09/08/2021 17:31

can you prepare them by going to the church in advance?

Original poster
FGSWhatNow · 09/08/2021 17:31

Can I just say thank you to all the posters who have responded, I really appreciate it. I haven't directly replied to all of the posts but I've taken something from each one, it's helped a lot. Thank you Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
FGSWhatNow · 09/08/2021 17:33

@AbsolutelyPatsy

can you prepare them by going to the church in advance?
Not the actual funeral church, no, but I can take them to our local one.
OP posts:
newnortherner111 · 09/08/2021 17:36

If you can ensure they are not going late to bed in the days up until then, it may help. Less tired may be valuable.

turkeyboots · 09/08/2021 17:37

Is there a relatives girlfriend or other in law attending who could mind the kids at the back during burial?
My two have been to a few funerals and school assembly is a good analogy for them. DD wore her school pinafore to funerals in the absence for other funeral suitable clothes, so that helped her be in the right frame of mind.

venusandmars · 09/08/2021 17:52

@FGSWhatNow Having had professional experience in this area, I'd say, don't overlay 'adult' feelings on the children. They are remarkably pragmatic and I don't think they have these sense of overwhelm that adults sometimes do when a coffin is lowered into a grave, or when it is committed to cremation. So there may be no need to 'shield' them from it - and perhaps it might even make it more difficult... If there's something they 'shouldn't look at' kids are more likely to imagine many more awful horrors.

I really think that being honest and straightforward about the physicality of what is lost, the sadness that people feel, and the ongoing impact of the dead person's influence / personality / memories...

FreezerBird · 09/08/2021 17:56

my dn was at his grandparent's funeral - all had been to explained to him about how the body would be in the coffin etc... In the middle of the ceremony dn (age 6) said "Mum! Mum!" (yes) "you said the body would be in the coffin... but where has the head gone?"

For dn at age 6 he though of a drawing - with a head, a body, 2 legs and 2 arms...

This takes me back to my Dad's funeral. I thought I'd talked through everything really well, and it wasn't even the first funeral DS (7 at the time) had been to. But I forgot to explain Dad had chosen a wicker coffin and as we entered the church DS turned to me and said, scandalised: "that's not a coffin! It's a basket!" Quite loudly.

So yes, talk them through it. As others have said, prepare them that adults may be upset. And, I would say, tell them that you will answer any questions but can they save them until the end!

At Dad's funeral my two were at the graveside but my SIL felt that wasn't approprriate for her boys and quietly took them off elsewhere so that might be a possibility too.

GU24Mum · 09/08/2021 18:03

Like most of the others have said, be factual and explain the process (or at least the main bits of it) - ie Daddy is carrying X's coffin in with [ ] and then tell them where the coffin will be in the church, roughly how the service will go - and what will happen to the coffin at the end of the service.

I took my eldest (10 at the time) to FIL's funeral. We went down separately from OH and unlike her cousin, I had DD with me, somewhere inconspicuous and at the end of a row in case we needed to leave. Poor cousin was a little - but not that much - older and had to turn down being a pall bearer as he was too upset and was then on the front row with MIL and her children. He found the whole thing very upsetting whereas DD didn't.

I also talked (appropriately quietly) to DD when I could to check she was OK and I made sure she knew that if at any point she wanted to leave, she only had to ask and we'd do that.