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Original poster

Estranged Mother sending cheque to DS

26 replies

Bigbaddebt · 08/08/2021 14:08

I am not sure what to do so I am looking for some advice. I have not had any contact with my parents for many years due to previous abuse to both myself and my children. I don’t want to drip feed so here’s the deal.

Going NC 10 years ago was is the best thing I’ve ever done. To the outside world they are performance parents and like to tell everyone how hard done to they are and how I’ve banned them from seeing their GC.

In reality they have said and done horrible things. They blamed me for my child having a disability, they refused to see my younger DD because she talk too much when she was 3 but the final straw was when they physically assaulted my DD when she was 5.

Anyway it was recently my DS 21st and they have sent him a cheque for £1,000. This is a huge amount of money to him as I am a disabled single parent and he’s a student. He said just put it in the bin, which I’m fine with, it’s his choice. However I’m not sure if he’s trying to protect me.

I explained I’d be happy for him to accept it (I know they are trying to buy there way into his life). He has no interest in seeing them but this would allow him to learn to drive as we haven’t been able to afford lessons. He could look at it as compensation for having 2 rubbish grandparents or payback for when I had to pay them an hourly rate to babysit on the odd occasion I was in hospital and had no other option. I want to give him the choice but provide him with a balanced argument to allow him to make the choice.

Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
dogmandu · 08/08/2021 14:20

Take it. A short thank you note and then no more.

If he feels bad about it, then put the money in a bank account and leave it there .
Taking it does not absolve your parents of anything. It also does not mean that you and your family suddenly 'like' your parents or are in any way beholden to them
It does mean that may help your son have driving lessons which will be a huge help to you all.

redtshirt50 · 08/08/2021 14:28

I would take the money - it sounds like you could use it and from the sounds of it, there's no way your DM will have given more than she can comfortably afford.

The saying 'don't cut your nose off to spite your face is relevant here'

Basically, why may yourself worse off just because you're angry.

Plumtree391 · 08/08/2021 15:00

No advice but £1,000 for a student is not to be sneezed at. He is being very honourable by telling you to throw it in the bin but, really, that is a waste of money that could be spent wisely.

You could put it in the bank and send a small, innocuous thank you card.

I am appalled that your parents blamed you for your daughter's disability and that they assaulted her. I honestly would not be able to come to terms with either.

CuckooCuckooClock · 08/08/2021 15:05

Take it and continue NC
I’m very low contact with my dm and she sends my dc cheques for birthday and Christmas (not as much as yours but it’ll add up).
They take the money and we carry on as normal.

AGirlCalledJohnny · 08/08/2021 15:13

Tell him to cash the cheque, send a note and ignore any other interaction

30degreesandmeltinghere · 08/08/2021 15:15

Estranged from my dm for best part of 20 years.. She sends a cheque at Xmas. I spend it on the dc.
Compensation imo. She was a rubbish dm.

whatnextdandelions · 08/08/2021 15:15

def take it, and stay NC. Its a lot of money for him, suggest he banks and uses to learn to drive

GrandmasCat · 08/08/2021 15:16

Cash the check, send thank you note, spend the money in driving lessons, end of it.

LadyLolaRuben · 08/08/2021 15:19

Take the money. Send a thank you card from your son saying what the money will be used for - cant be bad mouthed for being ungrateful. That's it. End of story, no contact.

Happylittlethoughts · 08/08/2021 15:23

Shocked so many would reach out and grab money. I don't think you/your son should take it.
You are NC and that doesn't count when it's money? Hmmm.. no because it makes a nonsense of NC and allows your parents to have false beliefs about the status of the relationship.
If you want to look at this as purely your son's choice then you can't claim to want neutrality. That's long gone- with your justifiable reasons- when there was a family split. I would not encourage my child to accept such a gift from someone we don't interact with, love or hold in any esteem. It seems distasteful. Not the message I would ever give my child. You'd be giving your child the message that you don't need or want GPs and you won't be engaging with them ....but you'll take their money?! Yuck

dogmandu · 08/08/2021 15:28

and allows your parents to have false beliefs about the status of the relationship.

not at all......

tintodeverano2 · 08/08/2021 15:42

I definitely wouldn't send a thank you as that would open a dialogue.

I'd be tempted to post back the cheque.

sunshinesupermum · 08/08/2021 15:54

Accept it and get on with his life - learning to drive would be an excellent way to spend it if you already have a car he can use?

You may be NC with your parents but it doesn't mean your son has to be unless he wants that himself.

jackstini · 08/08/2021 16:01

Take it
You're owed it for all the crap that went before!

Has she specifically tried to get in touch or said she wants to meet up with him?

You can take it and remain no contact

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 08/08/2021 16:09

The OP is estranged from her parents, not the grandson. I think it’s reasonable to send gifts to their grandson, particular for a significant birthday.

TatoAndBeans · 08/08/2021 16:13

Don’t take it. If you cash the cheque it will be forever held against you. The story they’ll tell others will be “She won’t let us see our grandchild but is happy enough to take our money”. Even the fact that it is such an outlandish amount is a red flag - it’s lovebombing and textbook controlling/abusive parent behaviour.

omgthepain · 08/08/2021 16:13

I'd take it to be honest especially if it could help towards something useful like driving lessons and just write a nice Thankyou card - you don't have to invite them over a card will suffice

aiwblam · 08/08/2021 16:15

I would send the cheque back to them with no note.

The money is a way in for them. I wouldn’t take it.

aiwblam · 08/08/2021 16:15

The amount has been calculated to be almost irresistible. Your ds is right to refuse it.

TatoAndBeans · 08/08/2021 16:23

@aiwblam

The amount has been calculated to be almost irresistible. Your ds is right to refuse it.
Exactly! They’re literally testing what price point will get you back in contact, questioning if they really were that bad and feeling guilty for going NC.
LifesNotEnidBlyton · 08/08/2021 16:29

You give your adult son the cheque and leave it. You've already told him it's ok to take it if he wants so you don't need to do any more, he knows the backstory and can do what he wants with the cheque when he has it himself, he's an adult.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/08/2021 16:43

@LifesNotEnidBlyton

You give your adult son the cheque and leave it. You've already told him it's ok to take it if he wants so you don't need to do any more, he knows the backstory and can do what he wants with the cheque when he has it himself, he's an adult.
this.
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 08/08/2021 17:01

Could he cash it and donate the money to a charity?

YesIDoLoveCrisps · 08/08/2021 17:06

He sounds like a lovely young man if he said to get rid of the money just protect your feelings. That already tells you that you are way better parent than they ever were.
I would keep the money in a saving account for your son so he could use it if he needs it.
Like others said write a thank you note (but only so they can’t say you didn’t say thank you 😊) and then don’t give it another minutes thought.
Going no contact with toxic people (even if they are family) is a positive move. It’s made your life better for a long time so just carry on doing what you have been doing.

Bythemillpond · 08/08/2021 17:07

It is up to him but I wouldn’t cash it.
It comes with a very long string attached and will only reopen more than a £1000 worth of hurt.

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