my 18 year old starts each day with a big old dump of his problems on me

[Freedomprogramme]

Does anyone else have this?

I love my son more than life itself but since April he has had some issues that preoccupy him. He seems to unburden himself by burdening me. Even though I can't solve all his problems any more....

When he turned 18 I told him I was done and it was me time. Doesn't seem to be working out that way.....

Having said that, I'm not sure what his problems are, but would it be helpful for him also to talk to a professional counsellor or similar?

Blimey. I hope he’s getting support from elsewhere.

@withiceplease

It's exhausting. Sometimes I feel like telling them to give me some good news for a change. Everything gets brought to me first from health, car breakdowns, friendship issues. Sometimes my heart sinks when I see their names on the phone. 18 and 22 girls

Dd is 27 and I’ve started to have chest pains when her name pops up on my mobile. How long do you have to keep providing support?

There is a difference between genuine struggles (difficulty job seeking or suchlike) & mental health issues and emotional vampires who are abdicating responsibility for their own shit (and to be fair part of being a teenager is to realise you have to sort out your own shit). I work with some people who are very much in the emotional vampire category and a) it’s exhausting and b) pathetic - if they still need handholding as an adult, I think their parents did a fairly crappy job of raising an individual capable of modern life.

Only the OP knows where her son is on the scale of genuine difficulties vs dump everything on mum with no concern for her. It is okay to point out that mum has done a lot of heavy lifting and isn’t going to expect to be on emotional call out ad infinitum.

My 18 year old is simlar I posted about it on here. And someone pointed out how it's been an odd kind of year. There's been the lock down trying to do A level /education learning from home. Not interacting in a normal way. And the transition of moving from school life into adult life. Which of course is not a push of a button. My daughter is mid 20s and still needs alot of support it does not stop because they turn 18. I have a feeling ds will probably mature sooner than dd.

Could you show some extra interest in some of the positive stuff he does or that he's looking into for his future. It might encourage him to be more positive.

I read that this is a common thing. They dump all their stresses out on you and then feel better for the rest of the day while you're stressing out!
Maybe it's helpful to know that after they've shared it they feel better, so you're done your job just by listening?

Firstly, I hope you were joking when you told him you were done listening to his problems and secondly, I would give my right arm for my 18 yr old ds to share his worries with me rather than the constant worry I feel because he has become so insular.

I’m almost 50, but my Mum is still there for me!

"@Freedomprogramme I love my son more than life itself but since April he has had some issues that preoccupy him. He seems to unburden himself by burdening me".

What are these issues OP? Are they the health issues to which you referred in an earlier post?" What is he asking of you that you cannot give?

To think that my adult child would feel he could not talk to me , as i had told him at 18 (20 as he now), he was on his own, is saddening in my view. I am helping him buy his own place, paying deposit, helping him understand mortgage lending, how to pay bills, council tax etc, why he needs life assurance for his mortgage etc. He has never done any of this before. He is on the phone constantly, that's ok. I smile when i see his number. He has always asked Mum when he is unsure, even as a teen, during his exams, his first gf,his apprenticeship application.

I have also today been helping and advising my youngest son, set up his Etsy shop for his artwork, helping him understand contracts, legal obligations, shipping costs, currency variations. Did i want or plan to be doing all this today on my annual leave, no. Did i do it kindly and generously because , they are my children , the children that i deliberately planned and brought into this world , yes. Did i think they are affecting my social life, no. Who else have they in this world apart from me and their Dad.

"Everything gets brought to me first from health, car breakdowns, friendship issues".

That is life and parenting Op, what did you expect? You have a DH to support and help you, they have you and their Dad.

With respect Op, if you are finding supporting yr own kids with their day to day normal worries and stuff and, this is all so overwhelming for you, maybe the issue is with you and your coping mechanisms and not your children. Perhaps this is indicative of greater underlying issues that you need to address.

Just getting prepared for the total drudgery of adult life where both partners do this to one other, each and every day for decades

Seriously though. It's one of the biggest reason I left Ex. No interest in hearing all about what a shitty day at work you have had, night after night. If it's that bad you need to vent and dump your attitude, change your god damned job. Did they listen? Nope, still working in the exact same place.

"MakkaPakkas Thu 05-Aug-21 18:28:21
I read that this is a common thing. They dump all their stresses out on you and then feel better for the rest of the day while you're stressing out!
Maybe it's helpful to know that after they've shared it they feel better, so you're done your job just by listening?"

Huh! that's actually incredibly helpful. It would also explain why he impatiently dismissed me half an hour later.

I will try to remember that, thank you for your post

You're in a great place, OP. He talks to you. Respects you enough to let you know what's going on inside his head. Don't diss it.

Yes listening is a huge help. People just need sounding boards.

thank you lljkk.

Sounding board exactly
Just speaking stuff out loud often helps to organise the thoughts swirling in your head.
You can't sort his problems out as what works for you may not work for him.
But by listening and being there , with love and support, you can instil confidence in him to follow his own inner convictions

I wish someone had been there for me when I was flailing away in the wind.
My ds 26 talks to me a lot. At the end of the call I will always ask 'is there anything you want talk about?'
We've become our best cheerleaders for each other.
Sometimes all you can say is:
'I don't know what the answer is, but I believe in you., and I know You will figure out what is right for you.

I didn't realise you stopped being a parent once they turned 18. Just 13 years left for me then