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Original poster

my 18 year old starts each day with a big old dump of his problems on me

64 replies

Freedomprogramme · 05/08/2021 13:42

Does anyone else have this?

I love my son more than life itself but since April he has had some issues that preoccupy him. He seems to unburden himself by burdening me. Even though I can't solve all his problems any more....

When he turned 18 I told him I was done and it was me time. Doesn't seem to be working out that way.....

OP posts:

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 05/08/2021 16:11

Christ op that's another harsh.

My three dc varying ages talk at me a lot in the evenings and sometimes at other random times however I would rather that than they didn't talk to anyone at all about any issues.
That's where the problems can set in when they don't feel like they can confide.

As hard as it is and yes it sometimes takes me three times as long as normal to watch a programme on tv because I have to lose it a lot I don't care if it means they feel better after sharing things with me.

Always been an open door policy in our house whatever age my dc are

AmandaHoldensLips · 05/08/2021 16:12

I think this issue is generally called "pass the monkey" when someone dumps their stresses on you. It can be totally exhausting and pretty stressful too. One of my adult kids still does this and I have to say there are times when I want to scream. My DH used to do it all the time too, but is now nearly retired and doesn't bring home work stress any more.

I wonder if it's because we are the "safe" person - wife/mother/caring support human.

(Although sometimes it's very tempting to say oh please just fuck off and haunt someone else.)

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 05/08/2021 16:12

And that should say pause it a lot. Not lose it a lot

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HerRoyalRisesAgain · 05/08/2021 16:19

Jesus christ. I'm 30 in a few days and my mum is my carer. If she had just washed her hands if me when I was 18 I'd have no one. (I only became seriously disabled in my 20s before that we all thought I was healthy, just a bit clumsy)

Goodallsfolly · 05/08/2021 16:19

Surely this is just normal for parenting teens? We are preparing them to launch. It takes some longer than others. Not all teens are fully independent the day they turn eighteen.

Listen but don't offer advice, just be supportive but step back a little. Their brains aren't fully formed until 26 years. Let him sort out his own problems but be there in the background. But make sure he sees you focusing on, and enjoying , your own life. Tell him you love him lots and you trust him to find his own way. But don't always be so available. Good luck

hellcatspangle · 05/08/2021 16:25

I know what you mean - mine are in their 20's now and because they don't have partners, they tend to offload their worries on me and it's exhausting at times.

I think the reason being that as mums we tend to think we have to fix things for them, so it's not like we sit there going "oh that must be difficult" and move on. We tend to absorb their problems and make them our own.

I'm not sure how to deal with being supportive without taking on their problems and it affecting my mental health, so I hope someone on the thread comes up with a solution that helps us both OP!

JovialNickname · 05/08/2021 16:30

I think it's nice he comes to you. And he's been in lockdown / under covid restrictions since he was 16.5, he will have a slightly lower degree of emotional development than he would have had otherwise.

Can you continue to listen, but once he's had his turn, reciprocate? Talk to him about some things (fairly minor-ish, obviously) that are bothering you and ask for his advice. Turn it into more of a two way, loving and supporting family thing, rather than you being the emotional dumping ground. He might also learn from this that although it is important and helpful to listen to others, at times it can also be burdensome.

80sMum · 05/08/2021 16:32

Crikey! People don't just suddenly stop having problems or stop needing support when they reach 18 you know!

My DC is nearly 40 and still unloads problems (marital difficulties, problems with the kids, financial worries etc) onto me.
Sometimes, I have trouble sleeping because I'm mulling over the details of my children's lives. But it's part of life. Isn't it only to be expected that they should offload some of their worries onto their mum?

Positivelypatient · 05/08/2021 16:32

Yes hellcatspangle exactly where Im at with my 3 (25, 23, and to a lesser extend 17yo)

Soon as they come with a problem im there trying to solve it for them. I recognise that I need to change this whilst still being there for them and of course trying to help where I can. Just need to stop making their problems my problems which as you say, is stressful. I guess it's a process that will become easier over time as they leave the nest Abbas become more independent.

Original poster

Freedomprogramme · 05/08/2021 16:36

"When he turned 18 I told him I was done and it was me time

Really?"

clearly not really!

OP posts:

Original poster

Freedomprogramme · 05/08/2021 16:40

I like "pass the monkey" :)

So after this morning's big dump I went downstairs with a plan and he said "I'm not thinking about that right now".

Because he had unloaded it all on to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Freedomprogramme · 05/08/2021 16:41

"Soon as they come with a problem im there trying to solve it for them. I recognise that I need to change this whilst still being there for them and of course trying to help where I can. Just need to stop making their problems my problems which as you say, is stressful. I guess it's a process that will become easier over time as they leave the nest Abbas become more independent."

Yes - same here.

OP posts:

GrrRightBackAtYou · 05/08/2021 16:47

I offload to my husband. I don’t need him to solve anything, I just need to get it out there so it’s not just in my head.

Stop trying to solve everything and just be there to listen.

JustLoveYourselfALittle · 05/08/2021 16:58

You sound a delightful parent.

Okbutnotgreat · 05/08/2021 16:59

I wish my 18 year old would talk to me about what’s making him so down and angry but he bottles it all up inside. It’s not easy I grant you, when it’s problems you can’t solve for them but it’s good that he wants to talk to you and sometimes they just need a little emotional support to get through the hard times.

Imcatmum · 05/08/2021 17:00

Sounds like he's wreaking your head with this. Fair enough, you're human. Has he always been like this? Does he ever solve any of his issues or work through his worries, or just whinge and whine at you? Mine are way younger but one whinges constantly and it's DRAINING. I put a lot of effort into trying to get the right balance of listening and supporting, teaching her how to figure it out herself, and tough love that the world doesn't revolve around her always. It's really hard. But I want them all to grow into adults who know I'm there for them but have confidence to run their own lives.

Could you have an honest chat about his way of communicating and the impact on your mental health?

MaidEdithofAragon · 05/08/2021 17:09

Surely this is completely part of being a parent. They offload onto us, we hold the bad feelings for them whilst they are now relived and can engage cognitively with the problem at hand. Our job is just to listen and receive the feelings.

Imagine he's giving you a big bucket of bad feelings, he needs you to hold them whilst he gets on with the problem. You have to be handed the bucket, you don't have to carry it around all day afterwards. You've done your bit.

MaidEdithofAragon · 05/08/2021 17:09

*relieved not relived

Original poster

Freedomprogramme · 05/08/2021 17:10

" I wish my 18 year old would talk to me about what’s making him so down and angry but he bottles it all up inside. It’s not easy I grant you, when it’s problems you can’t solve for them but it’s good that he wants to talk to you and sometimes they just need a little emotional support to get through the hard times."

point taken. I know I should appreciate the relationship we have. I would never have trusted my mother with information at his age.

maybe I'll miss this stage when it's gone!

OP posts:

Original poster

Freedomprogramme · 05/08/2021 17:11

.....when it's gone and I have some daughter in law setting "boundaries".

now THAT will be a challenge.....

OP posts:

Marriedtothesilverfox · 05/08/2021 17:11

Me too!

QueeniesCroft · 05/08/2021 17:14

@Okbutnotgreat

I have one who bottles things up and one who tells me every tiny detail of his life and expects me to be fascinated by/solve all of his problems.

Both are difficult (the problems, not the teenagers!) but the talkative one is the most wearing because I work from home and he will not leave me alone to work.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 05/08/2021 17:19

What I missed most about losing my parents when my children were babies was not having anyone older and wiser to talk to.

Sometimes one doesn't want or need a listener to come up with a solution, just to be able to talk.

It is true that a problem shared is a problem halved.

daisydaisy7 · 05/08/2021 17:47

My DH has just done a training course on how to recognise depressed and suicidal men.
The figures are shocking in young men.
Jesus, he's your son! Talk to him. Or get him some professional help. Be grateful he's opening up to you as so many don't.

irregularegular · 05/08/2021 18:03

I think it is great that he is still talking things through with you. Lots of 18 yr old men wouldn't, and that's really dangerous. Yes of course you need some time/space for yourself. But surely you still want to support your son too?

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