NC for this because this is very personal.
I am more than prepared to be told I need to change the way I parent, but please be kind.
DD has recently turned 14. She is a lovely kid. Her primary years were reasonably smooth. She did well in school with little effort.
Once in secondary school, things changed a bit. The level of effort required to achieve the same results did not come naturally to her. Instead of trying harder, she kind of gave up. She still achieves reasonably well in the subjects she likes, but does not put any effort on the hard ones. She really doesn't put any effort on anything at all to be honest. Then she will feel crap about herself and feel really down because other people do really well. When we point out 'but you did not revise/work/practice', she gets stroppy, moody and goes off in a huff.
She takes flute lessons at school, she has done for many years. We pay for the lessons but had to accept a long time ago that she was going to do nothing between lessons, no practice whatsoever. Despite setting up practice schedules, threats that we would stop the lessons , etc, in the end we accepted that she would attend the lessons because she was so insistent, and just leave her to it.
She feels she is bigger than her friends (admittedly she is), but point blank refuses to exercise, ever. She will happily spend whole days sitting in her room, with the nintendo, the phone....
She is a really intelligent girl, yet, doesn't seem to accept cause and effect.
Two years ago she went through a very tough period and there was self harm. We tried everything we could think of to support her. She reluctantly agreed to see a counsellor, but after one or two sessions she would say she did not want to return, didn't find it helpful... this happened with 3 different counsellors. We also paid privately and was suggested that she might have inattentive adhd. We might pursue this, it is interesting to know that even if she doesn't get a diagnosis she clearly had some of the traits and that she can't help some of her behaviours, but DH and I are at a loss as to how to best support her.
We have tried co-creating schedule after schedule where the first 2 hours of the day there's an expectation of one chore, room tidy and exercise, in exchange for the rest of the day belonging to her completely. This goes well the first couple of days and then becomes another battle.
We have tried leaving her to her own devices completely, hoping that in time she would find it within herself to get her act together, but after a while, the outcome of this is that she does nothing, eats sugar and other crap, her room becomes a pigsty, there's piles of dirty laundry including soiled underwear under her pillow, under her bed, etc...
We have offered so many things. Recently she said she wanted a makeover for her room to keep it a bit more uncluttered. DH and I called a decorator and she now has a brand new room that it is slowly getting in a state.
I am dreading september when she starts in Y10 because I don't know how she is going to cope with the level of work. I just don't know what kind of parent to be for her. I have asked her so many times, what do you need, how do you want me to be, but we never get anywhere.
It is clear she has very low self-esteem but again, she seems to sabotage herself time and time again, we have offered clubs, lessons, support... she rejects everything. Things turn into a battle very quickly. DH and/or I will approach her for a chat about something we feel is not going in the right direction (e.g. her procrastinating for three hours after school achieving absolutely nothing), but she turns moody very quickly and refuses to engage.
I understand that maybe she just needs to mature and build her confidence and self esteem and that we need to give her time and space to do that, but I am worried that whilst that's happening, time in passing by and not doing well in her subjects (mostly science related ones) will be like a heavy weight for her to find her confidence.
I am asking for other parents in similar situations, how do you support your teenage daughters, is there a book I could read? Any strategies? I so want her to be happy.