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Original poster

How do i arrange a family meeting with the parents I kicked out of my home..

52 replies

Misssweetheart · 04/08/2021 19:00

Okay Long story and I NEEED to get this off my chest because its killing me..
Im 29 weeks pregnant and I have an 11 month old.
My parents looked after him at our house whilst me and my partner worked a 11hr shift.
I returned home, and as soon as, mum and dad opened a bottle of wine, [they love wine] they poured a glass and for some reason it smashed and red wine ended up ALL over my sofa, [we had finally paid off] and my brand new rug..

My parents are ....erm... how do i put this... rather self absorbed and high functioning rich alcoholics..So instead of apologising, they began to batter me with an assault of nasty questions
"omg im soaked with wine?! why do you have such rubbish glasses!"
[they bought them for me]

"i dont see why we should clean this up, considering the dog hair in your house anyway"

"lemme guess, you dont even know what cleaning products you have to sort this out"
[I LITERALLY gave them a tour of our products the day before]

They did everything but say sorry, I began to try and explain that i showed them that we have vanish under the cupboard, but my dad stood over me and told me to shut up [he usually allows mum to say whatever she wants by scaring me into being quiet]

I thought to myself, WTF am i being told to shut up in my OWN HOME?! I cracked, i've taken too much of their abuse, i went upstairs and cried.I slept on the floor as we had given them our bed for the night and they passed out drunk on the sofas that night after watching movies, [whilst i just lay there crying in my sons room]

My husband came home, saw them passed out in the living room, smelt the wine, saw me on the floor of our sons room and he lost it.

He put me to bed and we both promised enough was enough...

The next morning i told them, we were beyond greatful for their childcare help but asked that the comments HAD to stop. They went back and forth denying the comments or defending them. I said
"im sorry, i just cant deal with the comments"
they replied: "well, maybe WE cant deal with your hysterics!"

THAT WAS IT. I RAN OUT THE HOUSE IN FLOODS OF TEARS AND ANGER. MY HUSBAND CHASED AFTER ME. I WAS HAVING A FORM OF PANIC ATTACK I THINK.
My husband returned and told them that we thought it might be best if they left. We'd take some time off work and look after our son..
He watched as they packed their stuff and stormed out of our home, whilst i stood a few streets down in no shoes or socks and just waited.....

Hours later, I returned to my home, and cuddled up to my husband and baby. I was still in shock that i had somewhat stood up to them for the first time in my life. I feel both pride and guilt.

But i want to make things right, I want a relationship with them... I think i need to sit them down and tell them how i feel, but they scare me and I cant do it alone. How do i go about arranging a meeting to talk about this without it getting out of hand?

Please help. my baby cant deal with the stress...

OP posts:

Thehenbunringsock · 04/08/2021 19:46

I mean, there does seem to be a lot of hysterics on your end. In one short post you've written in caps, described a panic attack, stormed off barefoot for hours on end...

I'm not saying they're in the right by any means, but your own behaviour definitely warrants examination.

maybemu · 04/08/2021 19:50

Ohhh I feel for you! Please don't arrange a meeting, please seek counselling to understand how they are manipulating you. take a step back. They will never understand, they are not capable of doing so. They will blame you, it will end in another row. The only way to proceed with a relationship is to accept them for what they are and never rely on them. Keep it a distant relationship.

Flapjak · 04/08/2021 19:52

You shouldnt be allowing alcohlics to look after a very small child. You need to have some therapy before you let these unpleasant people back in your life. They are unlikely to change so you need to reset your boundaries

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3rd trimester Families General pregnancy

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 04/08/2021 19:53

@Thehenbunringsock

I mean, there does seem to be a lot of hysterics on your end. In one short post you've written in caps, described a panic attack, stormed off barefoot for hours on end...

I'm not saying they're in the right by any means, but your own behaviour definitely warrants examination.

This. I had a bit of a wtf look on my face while reading your post, OP. At both parties behaviour, but mainly yours.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2021 20:00

I'm sorry, but all of this is rather unbelievable. You let 2 alcoholics babysit your child? Then you are constantly freaking out, running off crying, staying away from your own house for hours?

Fucking hell, the drama. If any of this nonsense is true, cut your parents out of your life.

MaMaD1990 · 04/08/2021 20:05

I'm calling BS.

butterry · 04/08/2021 20:07

Why are you letting alcoholics look after your child?! They sound horrible and very unlikely to change their behaviour. You don’t sound strong enough to stand up to them either. I wouldn’t let them anywhere near my children without my presence. Who knows what could happen? They sound ridiculous enough that if they hurt your child they would blame it on you somehow. I think you are sensitive and this relationship is going to wear you out. Go non contact and see how you feel without them in your lives. I don’t see the dynamic changing.

Gerwurtztraminer · 04/08/2021 20:08

Dear OP,

You do not need a family meeting. You should instead use this incident as the reason for withdrawing contact.

It's understandable you feel the urge to meet and have a relationship with but your need is for something they cannot give you. Please understand - it's pretty much impossible to have a healthy functioning relationship with an active alcoholic, less alone parents who display the aggressive and manipulative behaviour you describe. They will not understand your feelings nor accept the sort of boundaries you think you can get them to respect.

You say you are scared of them, hence asking for advice on how to handle them. I'm assuming you grew up with your parents drinking to excess and behaving in a similarly over dramatic, horrible and neglectful way. As you must know, being brought up in an alcoholic home causes all sorts of trauma and issues for children that can take years to work through. It is in fact child abuse, even if you don't recognise your experiences in that way (yet) or reject that term. If you haven't already, I'd strongly encourage you to seek counselling or reading up on being parented by alcoholics.

That might help you realise that withdrawing from contact is in the best interest of you, your husband and children. None of you deserve or need this level of drama and hysteria in your lives.

Also, please never again leave your children in their care. Because it's probably your normal, you may not yet see just how much danger they could be in if an emergency happened and your parents were too pissed to deal with it. Imagine a situation like a house fire or your children needing a trip to A&E?

nimbuscloud · 04/08/2021 20:09

Did you really stand for hours in the street with no shoes and socks?

Floralnomad · 04/08/2021 20:10

Your parents do not sound like the type of people you should leave a baby with and I’m sorry but you sound like a complete drama llama . Just stay away from each other , it will be for the best .

Wolframhart · 04/08/2021 20:11

Alcoholics do not babysit. Ever. Even if you think it’s an emergency. You are better off knocking on a neighbors door.

You need to let this sit for some time. Being raised by alcoholics really messes with your head. It skews your sense of a proper relationship and proper boundaries. You shouldn’t be trying to make this right. They should be apologizing. The fact that you had a panic attack is because you have years of built up trauma to unpack.

Your only job is to insulate your child from the alcoholism. It can be possible to have a relationship with functional alcoholic grandparents, but you have to keep very firm boundaries and always remember that at all times you are in charge. It doesn’t matter where you are. If you child is present, your word is law. If they don’t agree, you leave.

Malteser71 · 04/08/2021 20:13

I went NC with mine for reasons like this. My kids needed me to be happy.

It’s been 12.5 years. Best decision ever.

HyacynthBucket · 04/08/2021 20:13

A meeting will not solve anything, as you cannot reason with unreason. And the drink dominates their reason and everything else.
Decide to go either very low or NC, (no need to announce it, just do it) and in the meantime get counselling support and help with it and the other issues they have left you with.
If they do ever wake up and think straight (unlikely probably), they can contact you about resuming a relationship. You will be in a stronger position then as you will have had time to assess how you want to proceed with them. It is hard but you will better off without the dramatics and unhappiness they cause.

ActonSquirrel · 04/08/2021 20:16

He put me to bed and we both promised enough was enough...

Your DH put you to bed?

You sound extremely dramatic. Look you can't have it both ways. Either you want free child care from them or you pay for it.

I'd pay for it as you'll be on second mat leave soon anyway.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/08/2021 20:30

I think you need to realize that this 'sitting them down and telling' isn't going to happen because they will not allow it to happen. The second you begin to tell them how you feel they're going to 'jump up' (figuratively if not literally) and talk over you, deny your 'truths', use 'whataboutery', and any number of DARVO tactics that are going to make your head spin, hurt your heart, and most likely end up with you apologizing to them.

My suggestion: Don't bother. You know what your truth is and that's enough. You're going to have to tailor your relationship with them around those truths because they are never going to change or admit they are wrong. You may find you do better with them in your own home vs visiting theirs. It may mean total NC. It may mean LC or at the very least reducing the amount of time you're around them.

The fact that you're afraid of them speaks volumes. No one should be afraid of their parents, but if they are there's probably a good reason for it. Is this something you may want to explore with a counselor?

SRS29 · 04/08/2021 20:33

OP I would write them a letter, explain how you feel, set your boundaries and see if they respond. If they do not then clearly their drinking is more important than their child and grandson. Then get counselling and move on. Your husband sounds fabulous x

Happylittlethoughts · 04/08/2021 20:38

"Hours later, I returned to my home, and cuddled up to my husband and baby. I was still in shock that i had somewhat stood up to them for the first time in my life. I feel both pride and guilt."
Sounds fictional here. You didn't stand up to them though. You ran away both times and cried.
Something not right here 🤔

CeceJoyce · 04/08/2021 20:40

It’s sad how many comments say how you are acting/behaving so dramatically. You’re pregnant and with an 11 month old with a seemingly toxic relationship with your parents. I think you’ve probably got lots of anxiety which made you run out into the street and stay away.
I don’t think I could have my parents in my life if they were like yours. They seem to put you in a bad place and going forward you may not want your children to see you this way. Their parenting leaves a lot to be desired and I’m sure you want to have a much better relationship with your own children. I think most of us want a loving and caring close relationship with our parents but it’s not always possible. They don’t always deserve it.

Wolframhart · 04/08/2021 20:46

One more thing. Don’t try to confront them. They wont be ready for that conversation and it will only upset you. Simply decide what your boundaries are going to be and start living by them.

Some people find al-anon helpful. I did not because it was simply too religious for me, but if that isn’t an issue for you, they are worth checking out.

Sparkletastic · 04/08/2021 20:49

Goodness me. Calm down and don't leave your child in the care of alcoholics ever again.

rejectedcarrit · 04/08/2021 20:51

You don't need a family meeting. You need to start creating some distance. They are no longer an option for childcare, you are in the position now that lots of others who have low or no family support are. They no longer stay over at your house. Ideally they don't even visit it.
Personally, I would leave it, see if they get in touch, it's not all on you to fix this. If you are willing to rebuild do so in little chunks, meet for coffee, an hour in a local park etc, never on their home turf or yours. Avoid all situations that might involve alcohol.

Sounds like you can't cope with them and it's not healthy to have them round your family. Don't be afraid to set some boundaries here.

ChicChaos · 04/08/2021 21:02

@Happylittlethoughts

"Hours later, I returned to my home, and cuddled up to my husband and baby. I was still in shock that i had somewhat stood up to them for the first time in my life. I feel both pride and guilt." Sounds fictional here. You didn't stand up to them though. You ran away both times and cried. Something not right here 🤔

I got that sense as well - OP physically leaves the room (or house) rather than listen to them. Hard to believe anyone would react in this way.

Bluntness100 · 04/08/2021 21:13

Well this is all very dramatic, you slept on the floor as you’d given them your bed? So what bed did your husband put you to then?

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 04/08/2021 21:22

You didn't stand up to them or throw them out of your house, though. You seem to fling yourself from room to room, or outside, while sobbing a lot. No-one emerges from this rather curious little story well, including you. And your spineless husband.

Hen2018 · 04/08/2021 21:38

Utterly bizarre.

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